A/N: Once again, thank you all for all the amazing and encouraging comments! I always try to respond individually but right now I have a hard time to keep up – so if I have not answered yet just know that it is greatly appreciated and really motivates me to keep going.

I hope you enjoy this chapter. Will likely write another chapter of 'Sanditon revisited' before next update of this

Chapter 7: A charade for the Heywoods

The sight of her made him pause in the doorway for a while, without announcing his presence. She was casually stretched out on the floor, lying stomach down, propped up on her elbows with legs swaying in the air, absorbed by a book. Sidney swallowed. He had never known that a reading woman could be so tantalizing.

He softly knocked on the doorframe and she looked up with a startled expression as if he had caught her doing something naughty.

"Don't let me interrupt you."

He walked over and sat down beside her. Her skirts had slid down her angled legs and where inappropriately heaped around her knees, exposing her feet, slender ankles and calves. He could see that it bothered her that he had caught her with her attire in disorder, but he did not mind. Quite the contrary, he would rather like it if it was even more untidy. What if those skirts where hoisted further up?

Tentatively, he reached out a hand and gently touched one of her legs. Stroked from the ankle to her knee. The legs that had been swinging languidly, froze in the move and she stared at him with widened eyes. He retracted his hand, unsure if he only made her uncomfortable. He did not want that, but he wished she would welcome it.

"Do you mind if I touch you? It is just that your legs… you have very beautiful legs."

That did not cover half of what he felt. The shape of her feminine limbs only clad in thin stockings was sensual and enticing. Seeing them exposed like this made him want to undress her.

She rolled over on her back, wet her lips and parted them.

"No, I would not mind. In fact, I would welcome it. Lately, I have been longing for you to touch me."

Sidney snapped out of his reverie. This was bad in every possible way and getting worse for every day passing by. It had been bad enough when he dreamt of her at night, but then he could at least tell himself that it had nothing to do with his conscious wishes and desires. Now she popped up in his thoughts when least expected, like when he innocently had a cup of tea as was the case now. The sight of her legs in the library had done that to him. He could not believe that he was that easily affected. He had always thought himself a man in control of his desires rather than a lecherous creep, but now his own wife made him wonder.

He did not want to feel like that around her and he definitely did not want her to know about it. He enjoyed her company more and more but had to be careful to keep the physical distance. That was why he had retracted his hand when she took it in a gesture of comfort that day. He was not comforted, at least that was not the main reaction. Her touch made his hand and entire body tingle with excitement and he pulled away before the temptation to lace his fingers with hers became too strong to resist.

That moment between them had been seductive on more than just the physical level. The more he learned about Charlotte, the more he appreciated her. Her compassion, her intelligence. He had never felt compelled to tell anyone this much about Antigua and how he truly felt about the time there, about the darkness, despair and his shame for doing too little. His naïve siblings were too ignorant of the shady aspects of the world and most of his London friends cared little about anything beyond pleasures. Babington was an exception, but not even him he had told the difficult emotional sides of it, just the facts.

Despite that Charlotte had little experience, he had sensed that she would understand and want to know more. How could a young woman, brought up in a sheltered country village be so insightful and perceptive? In addition to the surprising depths in her, she also made him laugh. They had spent a long time with their noses over the maps, planning quite an adventurous journey even by his standards. While they were talking, seriously and in jest, he had even forgotten that he had desired her moments earlier because he was absorbed by the conversation, but afterwards those impressions mingled and made him covet her even more.

He was beginning to fear that he was falling for his wife. It would not have been a problem if he had not been so sure she cared nothing for him in that sense.

Everyone assumed that Sidney Parker was a man who had had numerous women, but that was far from the truth even if he was not inexperienced. As a young man he had been quite shy and before his engagement there had been no one. During the destructive period thereafter, his friends had introduced him to the brothels to cheer him up, but he had been too miserable to enjoy it. His years in Antigua had meant an involuntary almost-celibacy as he lived and worked hard at the plantation and visited St. John's as little as he could. Naturally there were women at the plantation, but they were freed slaves, now workers. Even if he considered some of them beautiful he would not take advantage of his superior position as a plantation owner to approach any of them only for a physical relationship. When he returned to London, now a wealthy man and entrepreneur who dealt with luxury goods, he was frequently invited to balls and other social events where women hovered around him, but as he had no intention to marry he kept his distance to avoid leading anyone on. His acquaintances had brought him along to the high-end courtesans the city offered. Starved of female company, he had welcomed the undemanding diversion for a while, but then began reflecting more and more on the conditions for these women. Even if visiting brothels was almost as common as drinking wine among men of wealth, he began questioning this habit almost in the same way he had questioned slavery. The women did a good job acting like they enjoyed it and he was a very popular customer, but it did not feel right and so he stopped going. The only exception in over a year had been his birthday night. He had never deliberately made the decision that he would remain celibate for life though and having Charlotte in his close proximity reminded him that he was indeed a red-blooded male after all.

His thoughts were disturbed by her entering the room and he felt stupidly caught in the act. He prayed to God that she had no idea what went on in his mind and that she never would understand.

To his relief she did not seem to cotton on to his thoughts at all. She sat down, looking unhappy and slightly distressed over something else.

"I have received a letter from home."

That explained it. He leaned towards her, all ears, hoping they had not been as harsh to her as her expression implied.

"They want us to come visit."

"But that is good news! Is it not?"

"Yes… yes it is. As good as it gets but I am… It just makes me nervous, going there, pretending to those who know me best that we are something we are not."

"It will be fine", he reassured her. "We will manage this together."

Three days later they found themselves in a carriage direction Willingden and he felt less self-assured. He thought it likely that her family would forgive her, based on the kind of relationship she seemed to have with them all, but he wondered how they would receive him. His nervousness did not decrease when they approached Willingden and she suddenly moved from the opposite seat to sit beside him.

She noticed the curious look he gave her and explained.

"I thought, if we were as madly in love as we want to convince them we are, we would sit beside each other."

"Ah", he said, and his mind nimbly shifted to all the things a couple madly in love might do during a private carriage ride. For Christ's sake, this would not do! He could not keep having these fantasies that would never come to anything. Her next words did nothing to help him.

She seemed very insecure when she continued, wringing her gloved hands in her lap.

"When we are in Willingden… I am sure my sister Alison will move into another room and leave the room we used to share to… us."

She watched him from under long eyelashes to see if he understood what she meant, but he did not.

"They will expect us to share… room. Share bed", she clarified bashfully.

The coin dropped. They would share bed. In truth, he wanted nothing more than to share bed with her but only if she wanted it. Sharing bed with her as it was now, would be torture and he was not even sure it would be sweet.

"We will…? I had not thought about that, God knows why because now when you say it… What do we do?"

"I suppose… we share bed? To keep up the charade. We can sleep with clothes on, but I don't see any other solution if we want them to believe we are happy newlyweds."

Her words were confident, but he could see how uncomfortable the idea made her. He was very aware of her leg pressing against his own. How would it be to have her beside him in a bed an entire night? Several nights? He tried to suppress the heat the mere thought provoked in his core.

"It is not ideal, but I see that there is nothing to do about it. I promise you that I will not take advantage of the situation. I don't in our house and I never would under your parents' roof."

His words made her smile again.

"Thank you."

"You called it 'our' house", she added as an afterthought.

"Don't you know by now that it is? Because we are married?" he smiled in return. Yes, it was sweet torture to have her near, but he did not regret marrying her.

He noticed how she visibly withdrew, broke eye contact and turned to the window.

"But it is not for real, so I feel I have no right to it."

She did not see his smile fade. It did not matter how many times she said it, he did not become indifferent to those words. Instead they stung more. He did not have time to dwell on it though, as her expression changed again, and she pointed at a bridge which became visible through the window.

"We are there! That bridge marks the border to papa's estate."

Almost contradicting the words she had said just now and to his surprise, she took his hand and turned her face to him again. She was so close when they were seated like this, that it would only require the smallest shift of his head to kiss her.

"Do you think you will be able to pretend you love me?"

Her question took him by surprise.

"Yes."

Suddenly time seemed to stand still.

"Will you?"

"I hope so", she almost whispered. "They know me inside and out."

"Then I suppose I have to be the more convincing one. It is easier for me as they don't know me at all."

He knew that was not the sole reason why he might be able to act convincingly.

The carriage finally rattled to a stop. His heart was pounding with nervousness, but he tried to keep his exterior in check. The only feeling he wanted to give impression of was fondness for Charlotte so her family would believe the story they had rehearsed.

As they stepped out on the yard he put his hand to the small of her back. He felt her flinch ever so slightly but then lean into him instead of moving away.

"Remember, we are in this together Mrs Parker", he whispered close to her ear and she turned to him with a smile that could have fooled anyone she was deeply in love with him. He knew it was an act but still it made his insides twist. The loving smile he gave in return felt anything but false and he did not want to shift away from those amazing eyes of hers.

Someone cleared his throat and almost dazed Sidney returned his focus to the surroundings. The entire Heywood family seemed gathered in the yard to welcome them and he was a bit taken aback by how many they were. Eleven boys and girls of mixed ages and Charlotte's parents naturally, in total thirteen pairs of eyes were staring at them with various expressions. Unguarded curiosity and happiness in the eyes of the younger ones. Apprehensive interest in the eyes of the older siblings and, he thought, disapproving scrutiny in Mr. and Mrs. Heywood's. At least when they looked at him. As soon as they turned to Charlotte the expression turned soft with love and he knew they would forgive her without a doubt. If they ever would forgive and accept him was a different story but he could live with that as long as their good relationship with Charlotte was intact.

No matter what they thought of him they greeted him politely and welcomed them both into their home. He noticed that Mrs. Heywood looked a little less tense when Charlotte took off her pelisse, revealing one of her new dresses from Madame Devy's, which even if it was a gown for daywear looked far more costly than the ones she had before. At least they could see that she had not made a disadvantageous liaison in terms of fortune. He also noticed that it had no effect on Mr. Heywood's furrowed brow and realised that Charlotte was his apple of the eye more than her mother's. The only way to win him over would be to prove to him that he was a good man with honest intentions, despite the hasty marriage.

He looked around as they went inside, curious to see where Charlotte came from. They were now in the main building but there were several other buildings scattered around the yard, indicating the estate was driven as a farm. It was a rather large house but as the family had so many members he understood it must be smallish for them anyway. The inside was clean, well-kept and beautiful in a more rustic way than he was accustomed to, but which seemed fitting here on the countryside. The atmosphere was warm, and he could understand why Charlotte always spoke so fondly of her home. What a contrast it must have been for her to be brought from this safe environment to the brothel and then to his house, even she had claimed she had been longing for adventures when she lived here.

His thoughts were interrupted as Charlotte introduced him to all her siblings, finishing with the eldest of her sisters, Alison. She was but a year younger than Charlotte and there was a definite likeness, although Charlotte was the more beautiful one in his opinion. Alison smiled kindly at him and he remembered that she was the one Charlotte was closest to and the only one who had been told the truth. She knew he had not lured her to elope, but she also knew Charlotte did not love him. He hoped she would help them to keep up the pretence.

"Come, let me accompany you to the room that will be yours. The servants will bring the baggage."

They exchanged glances, it would be as Charlotte had predicted, one room, one bed for them both.

"You can freshen up and dinner will be served in some time", she told them. "Oh, Charlotte, I'm so glad you are home and that you are safe."

The two girls hugged hard and he was touched by how much they seemed to mean to each other. Alison turned to him.

"Mr. Parker, I am very grateful for what you have done for my sister, for our family. As the others don't know, please receive my sincerest thank you also on their behalf."

"You are welcome." It was very nice of her, but he felt a bit awkward in the role as benefactor.

"Will you be comfortable in here? I mean..." Alison interrupted herself and her eyes darted to the bed.

"It will be absolutely fine", Charlotte reassured her.

He could see that even if Charlotte had told her the truth, she was unsure how their relationship worked out. No wonder, as he was becoming increasingly confused himself.

"I'll leave you to it then."

The maid brought cans with warm water and poured into a large bowl, so they could wash themselves after the journey. When she closed the door and left them alone, they remained still, staring at each other without knowing what to do.

"You go ahead first." He broke the tense silence. "I'll turn away and you can wash yourself and get changed."

She just nodded and he sat down by the window, with his back turned to her. He kept his eyes on the rural landscape outside but listened attentively to the faint rustling sound when she removed clothes, the splashing as she washed, followed by more rustling as she got dressed again. The temptation to turn around and watch was almost irresistible, but he did not give in to it. He could not help himself from picturing her in his mind though.

"I am done", she finally told him. When he turned she was dressed in another of her new gowns, a pale yellow one, and looked simply adorable. "Now it is your turn."

"You could leave if you like?" he offered.

She seemed to hesitate.

"They would wonder why I don't wait for you. I can do as you did?"

"Alright then."

Even if she had her back towards him it felt odd to undress with her there and he assumed it must have been the same for her or worse. An unwelcome rush of adrenaline made his fingers clumsy when he removed his coat, waistcoat, cravat and finally pulled the shirt over his head. He glanced her direction, but her gaze was firmly fixed on the window. Still, his heart was thumping hard in his chest and his hands almost trembling. He swiftly washed himself using a cloth but when he reached for the soap, managed to knock over the water can which the maid had left behind. It fell to the floor where it crashed to pieces and the remaining water splashed all over.

The unexpected noise made her instinctively turn around and both froze, staring at each other. Her wide eyes moved over his bare upper body. She seemed absolutely appalled yet unable to divert her gaze. He had never felt so exposed, not even when completely naked with a woman. Her lips parted as if to say something, but she remained mute. His heart was beating even harder and faster than before, but all that was heard throughout the room was the soft sound of their upset breathing.

There was a knock on the door.

"Is everything alright Charlotte? We heard a sound?"

It was Mrs. Heywood. This seemed to stir Charlotte from her paralysed state, and she managed an answer.

"Everything is fine, mama. We just happened to knock over the water can."

"Oh, I'll leave you be then. Tilly can clean it up later."

The amusement in Mrs. Heywood's voice indicated she thought they had perhaps been doing something else than washing themselves and he saw Charlotte's cheeks turn as flaming red as his own felt. Released from the trance, he moved to grab a fresh shirt and hastily pulled it over his head.

"I'm... I'm so sorry", he stuttered, eluding rather to him exposing her to his half-naked state, than to the shattered can.

"No need to apologize. You couldn't help it. Now let us clean up this mess together."

Her words were resolute and practical, and she smiled, but then chewed her lower lip self-consciously and he cursed himself for having made her uncomfortable around him. He could only hope she knew it was not on purpose. He realised he would only make bad things worse if he continued to apologize, so he hid his embarrassment by busying himself tucking the shirt inside his breeches and putting on the waistcoat on top. Both kneeled to pick up the shards and carefully avoided touching or looking at each other as they did. When they shortly after joined her family in the parlour, he thought that they both looked as flushed as if they had indeed been doing what Mrs Heywood assumed they had.

The dinner was pleasant enough even if he constantly were on his toes, aware he was being measured. He was keen to make a good impression and make them believe he loved Charlotte. They were seated next to each other at the dining table and he made sure to be very attentive to her, not that he found that a hard task. The rest of the family gradually seemed to warm up to him, but he could feel Mr. Heywood's piercing eyes on him and knew there was one person he yet had to convince.

He was not surprised when Mr. Heywood asked him to step aside with him after the meal was finished and naturally he accepted, though with a knot in his stomach. Charlotte had heard the request and gave him an encouraging smile before she accompanied her mother and sisters to the parlour.

Mr. Heywood gestured towards the door to another room.

"You go in there, Mr. Parker and I'll be with you shortly."

Apprehensively he entered the room and realised it was the family's library. The collection of books was not as extensive as his own, but impressive enough. With a smile he let his fingertips touch over the backs of the books and wondered how many of them Charlotte had read. He would not be surprised if it was all of them.

"Do you like to read, Mr. Parker?"

Mr. Heywood had joined him, holding two glasses of port and offered one of them to Sidney.

"I do, though I suspect not as much as Charlotte."

Mr. Heywood raised his eyebrows.

"So you are aware that my daughter is an avid reader?"

"I think it would be difficult to live with your daughter without noticing that. I suspect my library, our library, is her favourite room in the house."

"So you don't object to her reading?"

"No, why would I? It would be like objecting to her eating. I don't think she would be happy without her books."

"It seems like you understand my daughter better than I had anticipated after such a short acquaintance", Mr. Heywood said dryly, sat down in one of the armchairs and nodded to Sidney to take the other.

The barely concealed critique was not lost on Sidney. Short acquaintance, hasty marriage and without asking for Mr. Heywood's permission. Quite scandalous. It was time to take the bull by its horns.

"I am not sure I fully understand her. Is not every woman a mystery? And perhaps they should be, but I do know that I admire her deeply. I admire that she is intelligent, that she reads constantly and helped you with the finances for the estate… yes, she told me that. I admire that she is not an empty vessel, satisfied with just looking pretty. I admire that she is strong-willed and opinionated even if sometimes more than she ought to for her own good. I admire that she is compassionate and caring, to me, to her family and I suspect to anyone she meets. She is the most extraordinary woman I have ever met. I have no idea how she came to be like that, but I… I consider myself very fortunate to have met her and even more fortunate that she accepted to be my wife."

He paused, realising that everything he had said up to now was the absolute truth. He also realised it mattered a great deal to him if Mr. Heywood accepted him as his son-in-law.

"Mr. Heywood let me speak frankly. Before I met Charlotte, I was not set on marrying. Not now, not ever, but there was something about her that made me change my mind. I knew that if she accepted me, I simply had to make her my wife. I have never known something to be right so instinctively. I am a man who did not need to marry for money, or to make an advantageous alliance for any other reason. The only reason for me to ever get married was…"

His words had been rushed but now he interrupted himself, suddenly overwhelmed by the feelings that were evoked in him.

"Was love?" Mr. Heywood filled in with gentle voice and his eyes were not as sharp anymore.

Sidney swallowed. No, that had not been it. It could not be, he had just wanted to keep her safe, but he could not tell Mr. Heywood. If Mr. Heywood thought it was love, his mission was accomplished.

"Yes", he almost whispered. "And believe me when I say that I am truly sorry that it happened as it did, that I did not seek your permission before we married. My only defence is that when I met Charlotte I got carried away in a way I never experienced before, and I wanted to get married immediately. I managed to convince her, and you must not hold it against her, I beg you. You have my sincerest apologies and I hope I can in some way make it up by doing everything I can to make her happy. I come from a respectable family and I have a considerable fortune, so you need not worry about me providing for her economically."

Mr. Heywood looked down at his glass, swirling the wine around. When he looked up again there was a faint smile on his lips.

"You are right. My daughter is extraordinary, and she is headstrong. Stubborn as a mule in fact. I know she would never do something she did not want to do, or something she knew deep down was wrong. If she accepted your proposal and married you upon such a brief acquaintance, she must have been convinced that it was the right thing. I hope that not only you will make her happy but that she will make you happy in return. As you seem to understand her so well already and accept and encourage her to be herself, I think your chances for happiness are promising."

He raised his glass in a toast.

Sidney felt strangely choked, returned the toast and took a gulp of his port before he could respond.

"Thank you, that means a lot to me, Sir."

"Well then, should we go join the others?"

"Before we do, there is another matter I would like to discuss with you."

Mr. Heywood leaned back in the chair again.

"Is there?" he asked tentatively.

"Yes. Charlotte told me of your economic predicament. The debts because of her brother's gambling."

Mr. Heywood sighed heavily.

"I suppose I should be glad she trusts you enough to share such things with you, even if I wish to keep this in the family for as long as we can."

"But I am family now and I want to help you. Please allow me to pay off the debt."

"I could not! You don't even know how much it is."

"I dare say I can bear the economic loss and I want to help. I know it has bothered Charlotte that she will not contribute with the salary you all had counted on, because she married me instead of working as a governess."

"If you only knew how hard it was to send her away…"

"I understand that and also that you had no choice. Things did not turn out as planned and I am offering a way out. Consider it my wedding gift to Charlotte."

Mr. Heywood watched him intently.

"Normally it is the bride bringing the dowry to the new household…"

"Well, as I said, there is no need for that. I have more than I need. It will make me happy if Charlotte is happy, and for her to be happy I know she needs to know her family is doing well. In the end you will be doing me a service."

"You have very convincing manner Mr. Parker, but you will not be able to convince me that I am the one doing you a service here. I will accept your generous offer though."

"I'm very pleased to hear it. I only have one request in return. Do not let Charlotte know. We have spoken of this and I said I might be able to help, but upon further reflection I would prefer if she does not feel like she owns me anything in that aspect."

"But surely…"

"Please, that is all I ask. It might make her uncomfortable."

He did not want her to feel more indebted to him than she possibly did already. It had not bothered him before, but now there was this growing feeling inside him that he wanted her to appreciate him for being him. Not just tolerating his presence because she felt indebted to him.

"You are a very generous man Mr. Parker, and quite extraordinary too. I can see why my daughter fell in love with you."

Giving away some of his money to the Heywoods did not bother him the least.

What bothered him increasingly was the knowledge that their daughter was unlikely to ever fall in love with him no matter what he did.