A/N: Thank you each and every one of you for your lovely comments on this work as well as the well-wishes to my family. We are feeling well now.

I was completely convinced this would be the last chapter with only an epilogue to follow but realised while writing it that there needs to be one more Charlotte chapter after this, plus epilogue.

I hope you enjoy the read and that all is well with all of you.

A special thanks to Alina for being my test reader for this chapter.

Chapter 13: Reunited

He slammed the door shut behind him with a curse, furiously threw his top hat on the bed, then remained standing, breathing heavily while the anger slowly seeped out of him to be replaced by despair. He turned around to lean his forehead against the door's solid wood. Nothing had turned out as he had hoped since he arrived here, quite the opposite and he was not sure it was in his power to change it. He was furious at himself, no one else, but also desperate. As he stood there and the anger evaporated to give way for the other more difficult emotions, he felt like crying rather than banging his fists at the door.

Sidney had received no response to the letter he sent Charlotte telling her he was coming but had not expected one either. He had not dared to be personal, to tell her how much he longed to see her. Lady Susan's words had ignited a small spark of hope inside him that Charlotte was not completely indifferent to him, but he was far from sure. Secondly, he felt like he had forfeited the right to tell her his feelings when he sent her away against her will. If she indeed had feelings for him too, sending her away had been the most dreadful mistake and only in her presence could he ask her forgiveness and possibly earn the right to tell her he loved her.

In the end, he set off to the country weeks earlier than the wedding demanded, because he could wait no longer to see her and find out what Lady Susan's words had meant.

Earlier this afternoon he had stood nervously in his own empty hallway, feeling like an intruder when Mrs. Morris came scurrying and stopped in her tracks at the sight of him.

"Oh", she said scrunching her nose like she disapproved of the view, before she realised it was not the appropriate way to welcome one's master after a long absence and plastered on a welcoming smile instead.

"Welcome Mr. Parker. We knew you were coming for the wedding but not already today, otherwise we would have been given you a proper welcome."

"Er, I decided to come a few weeks in advance of the wedding."

Why did he feel the need to excuse himself for coming to his own house?

"Of course."

"Is Mrs. Parker around?"

"She is, but not in the house at present. She went out earlier and said she would be gone for a couple of hours. She will be home before dinner, I am sure."

His need to see Charlotte was so strong that for a moment the disappointment almost crippled him, then he pulled himself together knowing Mrs. Morris' sharp eyes were still on him.

"Then I think I will ride out and see if I can find her."

Mrs. Morris made a face like she wondered why he was in such a hurry after many months of absence, but knew it was not her place to question him. Her reaction made him feel increasingly anxious about meeting Charlotte.

He headed for the stables, had a rested horse brought out and set off with the intention to find her.

Nearly an hour later he had seen no sign of her despite that he had covered a large part of the estate and was beginning to feel discouraged. He met several villagers and workers along his path but did not asked them if they had seen her, embarrassed to seem overly eager to find his own wife.

Suddenly he noticed something in the field at the corner of his eye which made him abruptly halt his horse. A woman was lying down on the ground, partly hidden by the high grass, aiming with a gun at a hare sitting still at a distance, munching some greens. Fascinated he watched the scene, curious if she would hit the target. He did not intend to disturb, but the ignorant horse neighed loudly. The gun went off in the same instant, but the hare had already set off and the bullet missed it. Cursing in a very unladylike manner, the woman got to her feet and turned around, the gun now pointing at him.

Slowly she lowered the weapon and silently they stared at each other as he dismounted from the horse and walked towards her.

He thought he had committed every detail that was her to memory, but she looked so different. She was slimmer than she had been before. This somehow made her seem taller and the eyes appeared even larger in her delicate face than he remembered. She wore no bonnet and her hair was pinned up, except for a few disobedient strands of hair flapping in the wind. He had always loved when she wore her hair down, but she looked beautiful like this too, more mature. Her skin had turned into an almost golden tone, there were even some freckles dispersed over the ridge of her nose. He both loved them and hated them. They were so sweet that he wanted to dot kisses over them, but he hated that he by his own doing had not been there when she got them and that he had no right to take her in his arms and kiss her like that.

However, the main difference in Charlotte was the look in her eyes. It was hard as flint and defiant, as if challenging his right to be here.

"Charlotte."

"Sidney. I wasn't expecting your arrival."

Her voice was flat, devoid of emotion, or at least there was a complete lack of warmth.

"I came early."

Because I could not wait a day longer to see you, he wanted to add, but her expression silenced him. After only a minute in her company, he knew that telling her all the things he wanted to tell her would not be any easier after time spent apart. He had changed, but so had she. If he had been uncertain of Charlotte's feelings back then, they were at least as hard to interpret now.

"Obviously. If you had waited another few minutes we would have had hare for dinner."

"You can shoot?"

A ridiculous thing to ask when she clearly had demonstrated that she could, and he mentally slapped himself.

"Since I was ten".

He noticed that she just barely refrained from rolling her eyes.

"Are you hunting hare?"

"Yes, as I just said. James and I thought it might be nice to have hare for dinner."

"James?"

Who the hell was James? he wondered.

"Good day, Mr. Parker. Wasn't expecting to see you here, Sir."

His groundskeeper Stringer appeared out of nowhere, probably he had been crouching in the grass too. James Stringer. Sidney felt jealousy flare up inside at the familiarity between them. She called him by his first name and was hunting together with him, alone, without any kind of chaperone. It was also beginning to annoy him that everyone he met pointed out how completely unexpected his arrival here was. He owned the damn estate, had that fact escaped everyone's mind?

"Mr. Stringer, good day."

He gave him a reserved nod and for the first time registered what a handsome young man Stringer was. Tall, broad shouldered and with thick, wavy hair.

"Well, with Lord Babington's wedding in a couple of weeks it should hardly come as an overwhelming surprise that I visit my own estate. Do you have anything to object?"

He cringed at his own arrogant tone but could not help himself. He was overwhelmed by the feelings stirred in him by seeing Charlotte again, combined with her being friendly with Stringer.

"No, of course not. I am glad to finally have you here again Sir and I'm looking forward to showing everything that has been accomplished on the grounds since you were here last. Perhaps we can have a look around tomorrow?"

Stringer's answer was friendly and made Sidney dislike his own behaviour even more.

"Yes, thank you", he mumbled.

"Then I'll leave you to it. Mr. Parker, Mrs. Parker."

He gave a curt nod to Sidney and smiled warmly at Charlotte, then turned to walk away. The smile fuelled Sidney's jealousy.

"And Stringer, thank you for accompanying my wife hunting but now that I'm here I can do it myself."

His words were polite but with a clear message underneath telling the other man to back off. He knew he came out like a bastard, but again he could not prevent it. He thought he saw a flash of something in Stringers eyes and heard a definitive snort from Charlotte beside him. Anger welled up inside him.

"Of course, Mr. Parker", was all Stringer said before he strode off over the fields.

When they started walking back towards the house side by side, him leading the horse, she kept her distance and there was a cool silence between them. He knew she did not approve of his behaviour and neither did he. He should not barge in here and try to control her life when he had let her go, but it was hard to control himself when love and desire was mixed with fear, uncertainty and jealousy. He was thinking of what to say to break the ice and had an apology on his tongue when she pre-empted him.

"There was absolutely no need for you to be unkind to James. He has done nothing wrong."

The use of Stringer's first name triggered him again and he swallowed the apology.

"James! I suppose he calls you Charlotte too?"

"As a matter of fact, he does, because I asked him to."

"You asked him to? Do you realise how inappropriate it is that you let the groundskeeper call you by your first name? It could give everyone the wrong ideas."

"Really? What ideas would that be?"

"That you are… close."

"I consider him a friend. A friend who has been here for me, contrary to my husband who has been completely absent and now appears out of nowhere with a whole lot of opinions about what I should do and say."

Her words stung because they were true, and he grew more defensive.

"I'm entitled to have opinions about my wife's behaviour if it reflects badly on my name."

She stopped and stared at him like he was insane.

"You claimed once you do not care about such things, but now it seems that was another one of those things you said but did not mean. Why would you worry when nothing that happens here ever reach the gossip mill of London? Not that there is anything to gossip about."

He ignored her questions, but they chafed inside him.

"Do you go hunting alone often?"

"We do a lot of things, alone and often, because there is an estate to take care of! It does not mean that anything untoward is going on. Jealousy is never becoming, but least of all in a man who has renounced a woman. I'm not an object you put aside on a shelf and then say you want for yourself when someone else picks it up."

"I never said! I'm not jealous, I was rightfully questioning the appropriateness of you two hunting alone, but I can see you have a point with regards to taking care of the estate."

"Is that so? Do I have your approval?" Her tone was dripping of sarcasm. "Since you already plan to replace him as my partner when hunting, perhaps you intend to take over all his other duties too? Tell him there is no need for a groundskeeper anymore? Well, I have got news for you Sidney, that would require for you to stay here! Permanently! I suppose you haven't planned for that? I think this place and all of us who live here are a bit too colloquial for your taste!"

Little did she know how wrong she was. It made him so incredibly frustrated that she would think like that of him.

Her eyes were not devoid of emotion anymore, they were sparkling with fury. They had arrived at the house and now she did not wait for his answer. Instead she rushed up the steps to the entrance. He could not run after her as he had to leave the horse by the stables but shouted angrily at her back;

"I expect to see you at the dining table."

Then he remained standing looking at the closed door, with a sinking feeling in his stomach that he was the one at fault here, the only one to blame that this conversation had derailed. He had wanted to tell her that he missed her and wished he never had sent her away. Instead he had acted like a jealous jerk and implied that she and Stringer were behaving inappropriately, which he did not even seriously believe because he knew deep down that both were too good for that.

At that point he had thought the day could get no worse. Unfortunately, he had been wrong.

He had not meant to order her to dine with him. In truth, he was prepared to beg on his bare knees to make her join him, so he could try to make things right, but he hoped she would be there anyway.

She was.

She was already seated by the table when he entered the dining room, nervous like a school boy even if on the outside he was composed. She was already serving herself some soup and barely acknowledged his presence. Her hair was still pinned up and he admired the curve of her neck, when she stubbornly turned half away from him. If she had been beautiful earlier in the day, she was absolutely stunning now and still as furious as when they parted it seemed. Her brow was frowned, her lips pursed, and her moves jerky. Once she opened her mouth, her words confirmed the impression.

"Don't flatter yourself thinking I'm here for your company. Opposite to what you may think, I also care about what the servants say, and I believe they are already speculating more than enough about why we are living separate lives."

"They do?"

He always treated his servants well but did not dwell much on what they thought about him.

"Yes, and unlike you I have had to live with it, despite that you were the one who put me in this situation."

"I'm sorry, I never thought…"

"You didn't?" She put down her spoon and stared hard at him. "Did it not cross your mind that everyone here would talk about why I am living here alone without you? Or did it simply not bother you what people say here in the wilderness, as long as it was fine and dandy in London and you could live your life the way you used to?"

"There is nothing bad to say about you. The decision to send you away was not based on anything you had done."

"You and I know that, but the people here don't know, do they? A woman who is cast away by her husband must surely have done something terrible to displease him. I heard the whispers, I saw everyone's glances before I had proven myself to them. It took time and hard work. I had to pay a price for your decision."

"If I had known I would have…"

"Exactly what would you have done, Sidney? Come to my rescue? There was a time in the very beginning when I would have welcomed that, when I was lost and needed you by my side. Where were you then? When I was completely alone over Christmas, where were you then?"

God, she had needed him, and he had not been here. His entire being tensed, ready to run to her side even if she had said she no longer needed it.

"Didn't you have anyone from your family here? Or why didn't you visit them over Christmas?"

He was appalled, never in his wildest bad dreams had he imagined she was alone then. He had been drunk and alone and his only consolation had been the conviction that she was better off without him.

"No, I didn't, and do you know why? Because I am ashamed to tell my parents we live separated. They would ask if we do not love each other anymore and I would have to tell them that we never did, that you married me only to save me from a brothel! I wasn't strong enough to look them in the eyes and tell them that, so yes, I was alone, and I was very lonely!"

"Charlotte…" he said softly, with a lump in his throat. It was beginning to dawn on him what harm he had done her. He had thought that he would only harm himself. How wrong he had been. The realisation made him ache inside, more than before.

"Don't! I managed without you then and now I don't need you. I moved past all that and I don't want you here."

It hurt to hear those words. She was so beautiful and so strong. He loved her more than ever and needed her to feel complete. She had never loved him and now she did not need him for any other reason either. She had said she had proven herself here and with the lovely personality she possessed, she likely had made lots of friends, not only Stringer. There was no place for him in her life.

"I have every right to be here."

It was not what he wanted to say, but it was the words that came out because he wanted to convince himself it was so.

"You do, but I am asking you to leave. I want as little to do with you as possible while you are here. I will accompany you to the wedding, so people won't talk and because I am looking forward to seeing a happy couple getting married, that is all. Then I would appreciate if you leave as soon as the wedding is over, and we can both get on with our separate lives. As you so clearly wished."

He wanted to scream it was the last thing he wanted.

"Can we discuss this?"

He had had a speech prepared in his head before he came here. He had not even said the first line of it and now he did not know where to start. Everything he had intended to say seemed inadequate in this moment and everything he did say came out wrong. He loved her so much that the thought of living his life without her stifled him, but how could he begin to tell her?

"Is that not what we are doing?"

"No, you are telling me your perspective and wishes but you don't want to listen to mine."

"Oh, please. Are you trying to make me feel pity for you? Or claiming you feel regret over how you treated me? It will not work no matter what you say. Do you know why? Because I hate you and I curse the day we were married."

"Damnit, Charlotte! Please listen to me!" he raised his voice, almost shouting.

She stood up.

"I refuse!"

She strode towards the door, but he got to his feet and swiftly intercepted her, grabbing her arm. She met his eyes with a look of utter contempt in hers.

"Will you force me, using your strength? I thought you said you would never force me to do anything I didn't want to do, but perhaps that was another lie?"

Ashamed and pained as if she had stabbed him, he let his arm fall limp to his side and stumbled backwards.

"Leave then." His voice was hollow. Suddenly he felt exhausted, realising he had to accept defeat in this moment, and she left.

He looked at the table neatly set for two and knew he would not be able to eat. Her empty chair and half-finished plate mocked him, a reminder of how much he had looked forward to dining in her company again when he travelled here. Instead he had stormed back to his own chambers, slammed the door closed and ended up leaning his head towards it because he needed something to support him.

He remained with his forehead to the wooden door for long. As solid as it was, it offered very little comfort. He had made mistakes in the past and again today. Meeting Charlotte and Stringer had brought out the worst in him and he was not proud of himself. He had never loathed himself more than in this moment, not even in Antigua. He had to find a way to make things right. If he could not make her love him, at least make her not hate him.

She had said she hated him in the beginning of their relationship too and it had hurt even if he did not love her then as he did now. Then, she had not hated him and his love for her had grown. Had she come to love him too during a brief time? If she had, he might never know for sure because he had ruined it.

How was it possible to fail so spectacularly telling her he loved her? The simple answer was, because she was not interested to hear it. The harder and probably more accurate answer was that he was trying in the wrong way. The more he pushed, the more she withdrew and became defensive. If she ever had wanted to hear such words from him or wanted to tell him herself, as Susan insinuated, he had missed that window of opportunity. It was a mistake he would have to pay for, for the rest of his life unless he managed to break through her defences, something that could not be done by force, but perhaps by finding the right words.

The night offered little rest, as he struggled with thoughts of her and his own failings. He was ashamed to admit that also physically he wanted her more than ever, that in his fantasies their fights turned into searing kisses. It seemed wrong when he knew she wanted nothing of the sort, but desire has its own ways.

Next morning, Charlotte was nowhere to be seen at breakfast and he instinctively knew she intended to stay true to her promise and stay out of his way for the remainder of the visit if she could. For now, he let her be and met up with Stringer as agreed, for a tour around the estate. There was one thing he at least intended to do this day and that was to behave better towards Stringer. He was a decent, hardworking man who deserved no less. He should not have to put up with mean remarks from someone who was fortunate enough to be in a superior position in society.

As they rode through the fields, visited farm buildings and cottages and Stringer demonstrated everything that had been done, Sidney was increasingly impressed by the improvements already made and projects in progress. The estate was no doubt in very good hands.

"You have achieved great changes in only a few months, I'm impressed Mr. Stringer", he complimented him as they dismounted their horses towards the end of their ride.

Stringer remained silent a moment before he answered, removed his hat and scratched himself at the back of his neck.

"In all honestly, it is not me you should thank, Sir. Credits due where credits are due, and I have only played a small part in all of this. The one behind the majority of the ideas and the real driving force behind the changes is your wife."

"Charlotte?"

Sidney chuckled amused and a sensation of joyful pride shot up inside him. It did not surprise him, he should have understood when all of these suggestions started coming soon after her arrival.

"Why didn't you say? I told you from the beginning I wouldn't mind if she was involved in the maintenance of the estate."

"I know, but she asked me not to mention her in my letters."

"I see."

His heart sank. The lack of information about her had been obvious, but the fact that she had asked to have it like that discouraged him even more. She had wanted to cut all ties to him long before he came here.

"But she does deserve to be appreciated for her work. In addition to what you have seen today, she has also started a school for the village children and teaches them herself a few days a week. She was adamant they have to learn to read and count. Everything she does is much appreciated by everyone here, by me and all the locals, but she deserves to hear how brilliant she is from you, if I may be so bold to say."

Sidney took off his hat too and ran his fingers through his hair, suddenly feeling hot.

"Of course. I appreciate her very much."

"Do you, Sir? You have an odd way of showing it."

Sidney had the feeling that Stringer no longer could hold back something that had bothered him for some time. Instead of rebuking him for talking of things that were not his place to talk about, he encouraged Stringer to continue as he was eager to know what he had to say.

"How do you mean, Mr. Stringer?"

"You sent her away. How can any man send away a woman like her? It is a very strange way to show appreciation. She thinks so and so does everyone else. I'm sorry to tell you Mr. Parker but you are not very popular around here even if you are the owner."

"Why?" He asked even if he could guess what was coming.

"You see, everyone loves Mrs. Parker and what she has done since she came."

"And why would that make them dislike me?"

"Everyone knows you broke her heart by sending her away and knowing her, we all think she deserved better. I know I could lose my job over this, but I cannot keep quiet."

Sidney's heart skipped a beat.

"Don't worry, your job is safe, and I appreciate your honesty, but you are wrong. I did not break Charlotte's heart. I couldn't have because she never loved me."

"How can you be so sure of that?"

"I am… I was… She did not marry me for love, and she stays married to me only because there is no other way. That made living together very hard. I sent her way for her own good."

Stringer watched him intently, which made Sidney feel like he was being measured and found inadequate.

"Perhaps you really think you did."

"And you don't agree?"

"May I say what I think, Sir?"

"I think we have already crossed that line, so yes go ahead. Please."

"In a place like this everyone knows basically everything about each other. Mrs. Parker was devastated when she came here. She kept herself locked up in her bed chambers without so much as eating for many days. Eventually she started to get out and about and always showed a brave face, but it was apparent that she was grieving something. Or someone. I drew my own conclusions and then she told me…"

"What did she tell you?"

"Mr. Parker, I think you should ask your wife, but you should also know this was many months ago and she is doing well now. She has become accustomed to life here, where she is loved and appreciated by everyone, so what was true then may not be true now."

Sidney stared out over the fields. Was it possible that she had loved him? Was that what Lady Susan also had implied? And if so, had he foolishly wasted that love?

"Do you think she is in love with… with someone else?" he asked with steady voice and trembling heart.

"No, but again, if you really want to know you should ask Mrs. Parker."

"Thank you, Mr. Stringer. You are absolutely right. I need to speak to Charlotte and the sooner the better. One more thing. Thank you. For everything."

"Thank you, Sir. As it is Saturday I'm heading over to my fiancé in the village now, if you have nothing to object."

Sidney smiled widely as he waved goodbye, understanding that this was Stringer's subtle way of telling him he had nothing to worry about when it came to him, should he have thought so.

He did not see as much as a glimpse of Charlotte that evening, she kept herself invisible and in one way he was relieved because he needed time to take in everything Stringer had said and decide what to do with it. He had come here to try to do what Babington once had advised him; to win Charlotte. So far his efforts had been disastrous. This did not mean he would give up. He had to try harder, or rather try in a different way. For real. He had the feeling he was quickly running out of tries, so when he tried one final time he had to do it in the right way.

Next morning, Sidney knocked on Charlotte's door. He said nothing, hoping she would believe it was Mrs. Morris with the breakfast tray. When she opened, her eyes widened in surprise.

"Sidney?"

"Good morning. I was wondering if you would go for a walk with me? If you want to have breakfast first, I could wait for you? I'm sorry for the early hour but I did not want to miss you if you went out. I… I really wish to speak to you Charlotte."

His voice was soft, and he hoped his eyes could convey how important this was to him. She remained silent and he had the feeling she struggled internally, torn between anger and curiosity.

"Please."

"I… Yes, I'll go with you. I don't have much of an appetite now, so I don't mind leaving at once. Let me just fetch my spencer."

"Yes, of course."

He waited for her with heart pounding in his chest and she returned in a minute. Swiftly they left the house and garden behind and walked over the fields, initially without saying anything. It was like they both sensed they wanted some privacy, away from the house and servants before they spoke. He adapted his long strides to her shorter steps almost without thinking about it. It felt so natural. Being with her was his natural state.

"I have missed walking by your side", he said spontaneously but instantly regretted it when she frowned her brow.

"What do you want with me? Are you planning on shouting at me again?", she asked. "Then know I will have none of it. I'm not yours to discard and then seek out to treat me badly. I deserve better than that."

Her voice was defensive, but he did not allow himself to be provoked. Not this time when everything was at stake and she was right anyway.
"I don't want to shout at you, I don't intend to. I never did. You are absolutely right, you deserve so much better than that and I had no right."

He swallowed, measuring his words with caution, knowing his future happiness depended on it.

"I would like to ask of you to listen to me, this one time. I cannot demand it, but I beg you. Please?"

After a brief hesitation she nodded, and they continued the walk.

"There are so many things I want to say to you and since I came here I have not managed to say any of them. Having this moment with you is more precious to me than you could know. Thank you."

He glanced at her sideways and saw he had her attention even if her eyes were fixed on the path.

"First of all, I want to ask your forgiveness, for shouting at you, but even more so for sending you away."

She pulled in a breath as if to say something, but he held up a hand.

"Please let me continue before you say anything. I know you cannot give your forgiveness to me at this point, as it may seem like I haven't done anything to deserve it, but if you allow me I will try to explain myself. Let me tell you why I did the things that I did and why I am here now."

It seemed she found it impossible to remain quiet though.

"You mean to say you regret it? Does the great Sidney Parker ever regret anything?"

Her expression was one of utter scepticism and she almost spat out the words.
"I do. I regret many things but none so badly as what I did to you", he answered with calm earnest.
The confession stunned her for a moment but then she resumed angrily.
"You expect me to believe that? After months of silence? Not a single word from you! It was like I never existed in your life."
"Believe me, I wanted to write you, to see you, but I thought it would be selfish of me. I thought that telling you what I feel and think would be an act of pure egoism which would lead to nothing good, so I refrained from doing so even if it was the hardest thing I ever have done. Then I met Lady Susan Worcester and something she said gave me a glimpse of hope. It led me to believe that maybe I had gotten it all so wrong and I am here to find out."

"Lady Susan? Is that the Susan I met at the ball in October, before you sent me away?"

"Yes, so it seems. I was quite impressed you had befriended her."

"I don't understand. What did she say?"

"When she understood I was your husband but you're no longer living in London, she told me that if I was living separated from such a lovely wife as you, she feared you had never dared to have a conversation with me which she had encouraged you to have. One which she thought the two of us badly needed."

"Oh. She said that?"

Charlotte quickly turned away her head, but he had already seen her blushing cheeks.

"Yes. I cannot know for sure what that conversation was about, what you never told me, but it gave me hope. It also made me devastated because I feared I had made an enormous mistake sending you away."

"Why would you think that?"

"Charlotte, please look at me."

Reluctantly the turned to meet his eyes.

"Because the reason I sent you away was that I was convinced that you had no feelings for me and never would have. It was hard living with you because I was… I am very much in love with you."

Her eyes widened in shock.

"It is the truth. Every day I spent with you, my love for you grew stronger and I wished that you were my wife not only to the name. When we were in Willingden and acted affectionate, it was all real for my part. The only charade was when we went to bed and I had to turn away from you when all I really wanted…"

He interrupted himself as he did not find it appropriate to tell her in this moment what he had wanted to do.

"When we returned to London and everything was supposed to go back to as it was before, every day turned into a struggle. It was so hard to put a lid on my emotions."

"Why did you?" Her voice seemed filled with sad curiosity.

"I was convinced you felt nothing for me. God knows you said it often enough, and I did not want to burden you with my feelings when you were trapped in a marriage with me. Instead I withdrew from you and thought it was going quite well until that ball. During that dance… I could not hold back, I felt that by just looking at you I was giving all my feelings away and it made me so desperate… I had to do something so I wouldn't reveal everything. It was then it occurred to me that if I sent you away, to here where I thought you could be happy because it is more similar to your own home, you would never need to be troubled by my feelings for you."

"I thought you sent me away because of Mrs. Campion?" she said challenging, but her voice trembled.

"Mrs. Campion? What do you know of her?"

Her question could not have surprised him more.

"Esther told me about her when you were talking to her during the ball. Your old fiancé, now a widow. I figured I was in your way if you wanted to resume the acquaintance and…"

She could not make herself say it, but he understood, and it made his blood boil that she would have thought such a thing. He had wanted to escape Charlotte to regain his composure after that passionate dance as he had feared he would kiss her without permission, but he never thought the conversation with Eliza Campion could give Charlotte the impression it obviously had. How blind he had been to her feelings, because he was too preoccupied hiding his own.

"No! She is nothing to me but a memory from the past. She shaped who I am but has no part in my future. I have no feelings for her, that is the honest truth. All she did was give me the idea that if one wasn't happy in one's marriage one could live separate lives. I thought you would be happier without me, than living close to me knowing I wanted more out of our marriage than you did."

"So you did not keep seeing her?"

"I have not seen her since the ball, no, and I don't care if I ever do."

She looked away again and a sound, like half a sigh and half a cry escaped her. He was not sure if it was a sound of relief, pain or contempt.

"Still, it makes no sense. Why would you send me away so callously? You were so cruel to me that morning in the library. You really hurt me."

"I know that now and I will forever regret it. All I can say to my defence is that I was falling apart inside and the only way not to do it in front of your eyes as well, was to act as I did. I did not want to send you away, but I was convinced it was the best for you. I did not want you to feel pressured to show me affection out of gratitude. I did not want you to live in fear that I one day might ask more of you then you were willing to give. The only way I ever wanted your love was if it was given by your free will and I thought you did not want any of it. I still don't know if you do, or did, but Susan made me think perhaps I had misjudged everything. That there was a small possibility… If she had not said those things I might have still remained silent. I realise many months have passed since then so whatever you felt then might not be the same now. I hurt you in ways I did not understand, so maybe you can never forgive me, but know I never did that wilfully. I thought the pain was mine alone to bear."

"The pain?" her voice had softened, it was almost a whisper in the wind.

"Yes, the pain of not having you in my life. With you gone everything fell apart, I have missed you so much I cannot even begin to tell you. Without you I exist, but I don't live. Without you I am nothing."

His voice broke, the emotions overwhelming him. She remained silent and he continued, filled with fear yet compelled to. He had been coward when he did not tell her before, he would not repeat that mistake.

"I love you, love you more than anything, but I don't want you to be mine against your will.

He averted his gaze, more insecure than ever when she said nothing.
"Charlotte, I need to know... are you happy here? If you are, and want me to leave you be, I will. Even if it is not what I desire. Your happiness is more important to me than my own and if I accomplish nothing else, I hope I can at least make you believe that. I never intended to make you unhappy or hurt you."

"Yet you did. You talk about my own free will, but you sent me away against it. You should have trusted that I was capable of handling the truth and be part of deciding my future. It was wrong to make that decision for me."

"I can see that so clearly now, that it was an arrogant and presumptuous thing of me to do. To assume you had to be protected from me. You are stronger than that. I did hurt you even if it was the last thing I wanted. I can never undo that, but if you let me I will spend every day of the rest of my life making it up to you."

She took her time before responding. It seemed like an eternity to him, the silence filled only with the sound of the chirping of the birds.

"I was happy here... there is so much to love and I'm proud of what I have achieved. Yes, I would be happy here... but now you have come and turned everything upside down and I don't know what to believe anymore."

"Believe that I love you."

He wanted to step closer and take her hands or pull her into an embrace but could see she was not ready for that. He was well aware she had not said words of love in return, given away nothing of her sentiments except how betrayed and hurt she had felt. Still felt. Yet there was something in the depth of her eyes that gave him hope, even if tears were now streaming down her cheeks and she clenched her fists as if wanting to contain her feelings inside.

"Words are not enough, not after what you did to me. You can't just sweep in here and expect me to love you."

Her words sounded tired rather than angry. He felt tears pricking at the back of his eyelids too and fought to hold them back. He had spilled his heart to her, and it was not enough. He had foolishly ruined everything because he did not tell her his true feelings months ago. Losing her once had been torture, he knew this would kill him. Not today, not tomorrow, but slowly, bit by bit, until there was nothing left.

"Charlotte…"

"You need to show me."

He took a deep breath. Was it not the end after all?

"How?"

"Stay here, show in actions that what you say is the truth. Show me that this is not some whim and you will abandon me again, that your feelings are true and deep. Show me that you are able to treat me like an equal, not like a delicate porcelain figurine you need to protect. I will not come with you to London, will not uproot myself again when I have done it twice unwillingly. If you want to try to win me, it will have to be here."

"Would you allow me to do that? Try to win you?"

She looked up at the clear blue sky where the sun was rising higher, then met his eyes again.

"Yes."

He exhaled and now his brimming eyes overflowed with tears. Warm and salty, they trailed down his face, but he did not care. He was filled with a sense of enormous relief and joy.

"I can't give you any promise you will succeed, but I will allow you to try."

"That is all I ask for, that you allow me to court you. You know I would have stayed the weeks up to the wedding anyway, but I promise you I will stay as long as it takes, or until you send me away. I hope with all of my heart you never will but at the end of this I will do as you wish."

She held his gaze, her tears had stilled and finally the corners of her mouth tugged upwards. She reached out her hand and grazed his cheek, wiping his tears away rather than caressing him, but never had a touch felt sweeter.

"Well then."

He smiled back at her, praying this was a new beginning of something which would never end.

"Well then."