Chapter 14: The key to her heart (part I)

From the moment Charlotte told Sidney she would allow him to try to win her, there was a remarkable transformation in her husband. Looking back, it was almost ridiculous how those few words completely changed his behaviour towards her. Given permission he ceased trying to restrain his affectionate side and openly demonstrated feelings which she previously only had seen so brief glimpses of that she had thought herself mistaken. It was clear that he did not want to leave her in any doubt of his wishes and affections; he wanted her to be his wife in every sense of the word.

The question was, did she want the same? She loved him, but could she trust him enough to let down her guard and bridge the gap between them, or had he hurt her so irreparably that she never would let him know that he already owned her heart?

-0-

During the past year Charlotte had encountered more adventures than she had expected to experience in her lifetime and gone through a spectrum of new, strong emotions which she had not been prepared for. Spending her days peacefully back in Willingden, she had always longed for more and thought herself adventurous and not easily rattled. She had laughed when her mother used to say that one should be careful what one wished for because it might come true. Now Charlotte admitted her mother had been proven right because this year had entailed far more excitement than she had bargained for, even if she had survived it.

Looking into the eyes of her estranged husband appearing out of nowhere that day in the field, overtrumped everything she had been through though. She was grateful she had not fired the gun at him in sheer surprise.

She had heard a horse neigh, scaring of the hare she had in sight, turned and been shocked to find him standing there like a mushroom sprung out of the soil. He had seemed even taller than she remembered him. Dressed in leather waist coat and breeches under the black coat and with chest heaving like he was short of breath, it seemed almost like he had ridden on horseback all the way from London to this field. His face was still as handsome, though perhaps even more chiselled than before and there was a tired shadow under the dark eyes which now were intensely fixed on her. It was like he tried to look inside her, penetrate her outer shell and read her. Charlotte could not allow that, because in the same instant she saw him, she knew that her feelings had not changed. She was as much in love with him as ever and the pain he caused by sending her away was still as raw.

The emotions shot through her like fire and ice. Emanating from her heart they travelled through her and in a split second reached every part of her body, every fingertip, every toe and the intensity was such that it took her breath away. She could not and would not let him know however, because she was determined not to allow him to damage her more than he already had.

This made her act like a wounded animal, furiously fighting back against its attacker. She channelled all her unwelcome feelings into anger, the one true emotion she could safely show without exposing herself. It was easy to be angry with him; for scaring her prey away, for being arrogant to James, for telling her how to behave and for ordering her to show up at the dining table; for sending her away, for coming here and for being the object of her love against her will.

It was also very hard. In her resolve to keep him at arm's length not to let him hurt her again, she ended up hurting herself instead.

When she returned to her chambers after their disastrous dinner that evening, she cried like she had not allowed herself to cry in many months. She had said such harsh and hurtful things to him, because she needed him to understand what she had lived through but saying it out loud and see the hurt in his face did not bring the expected relief. It was like injuring him and picking on her own wound at the same time, until they both bled. This was not who she wanted to be, but the only one she could be for now, even if she was not sure how to cope.

Being angry with someone when all you want is to be in his arms is very exhausting and at this point Charlotte was exhausted to her core. She collapsed on her bed with tears streaming and thoughts spinning. Why had he arrived here so early? The wedding between Lord Babington and Esther Denham was not due to take place until in a few weeks' time and she had not expected Sidney to arrive yet. It disturbed her balance that he had. Her rational self did not want him here, but against her good judgement her heart did. Her heart wanted him here for always and as close to her as was humanly possible, but as his intent likely was to pass by briefly and treat her as carelessly as before, it was better not to have him here at all. She figured that the only way for her to survive the upcoming weeks and endure life after he was gone, was by avoiding him. She had told him she would shun him and intended to stay true to that promise.

Yet, she lay restless in her bed that night and thoughts of him were more vivid than they had been lately. It was like he was invading her mind anew, solely by being in her proximity. She could not help but imagining him lying in his bed further down the hallway, or picturing him taking her into his arms, kissing her fervently, instead of scolding at her. To be fair, he had tried to have a normal conversation, but she had turned it into a quarrel because she could not allow herself to soften towards him, or she would be lost. It was bad enough as it was, her body felt feverish at the thought of his touch and his lips and she cursed herself for being so weak when she wanted to be strong and resist him. Her only consolation was that at least he would think that she did.

She managed to avoid him the following day. She knew he planned to ride out with James to look at the estate. As relieved as she was when she saw him leave the house, it disturbed her that she would not be there and take part in showing him all the things she had achieved with James help. She wanted Sidney to be impressed by and proud of her, wanted him to realise what he had tossed aside, but most of all she would have loved to simply share that moment with him. However, it was not meant to be.

Except for a walk in the garden, she stayed in her room all day and instructed Mrs. Morris to serve her meals there. The older woman had since long turned into more of a friend than a servant and was more than willing to help Charlotte escape Mr. Parker, whom she thought had treated his wife scandalously. Like that, Charlotte managed to avoid him but knew already when evening came that spending her days like this until the wedding would be insufferable. Pining for him and conceal it was hard enough, but she would also be half bored to death. Furthermore, she had the school children to consider. Today was Saturday and no lessons were planned so she had not neglected them, but she would have to come up with a plan to combine her teacher duties with dodging Sidney.

Next morning, she got up very early hoping to have breakfast downstairs before he woke up and then escape outside for a few hours. Even if she expected him to be fast asleep still, she tiptoed when she prepared herself to leave her room, but at that moment heard a faint knock and thought Mrs. Morris must have prepared a breakfast tray for her before she could intercept her.

Her breath hitched and her heart raced when she was met by Sidney's brown eyes instead of Mrs. Morris' blue ones. He stood there in the hallway, with hands clasped behind his back and head bent down as if to show her he came in peace. His subdued request to go for a joint walk caught her so off guard that she was unable to refuse.

Walking beside Sidney was nerve wrecking, exhilarating and strangely comforting all at once. His massive figure moved agilely next to hers, but despite their fight the other evening there was nothing threatening about him. She sensed deep down that he never would harm her physically. On the contrary he had always been protective of her. Now it seemed like a warmth radiated from him, enveloping her as they initially walked in silence. She knew she could lose herself in that feeling forever but did not want to succumb and so she forced herself to snap out of it.

"What do you want with me?" she had asked, but nothing could have prepared her for the candid, defenceless answer he gave.

He said many things, but most important was that he loved her. He loved her and needed her and had done so for a long time but tried to repress it and when he could not do it anymore he sent her away.

That was the reason he sent her away.

Not that he was indifferent to her, not Eliza Campion. Then Lady Susan had told him something which had given him hope. This had made him hasten to her side and now finally dare to tell her what his feelings truly were.

As he spoke, her blood seemed to swirl faster inside her until it was a roaring flood, almost drowning his precious words with its noise. She was not sure if the ground under her feet was disappearing or feeling more solid, if she herself was dissolving or being more anchored than ever. He had told her he belonged with her, to her, if she would have him.

This made her disbelievingly jubilant but also distressed, because how was she supposed to act? How was she to know if he could be trusted or not? If his words were true, or if he would leave her again? How does one know if it is right to throw one's reservations aside, when someone has hurt you so profoundly as Sidney had hurt her? Her feelings were like a maelstrom pulling her along. She had to find something to cling on to or she would drown.

"Words are not enough, not after what you did to me. You can't just sweep in here and expect me to love you", she had told him. "You need to show me."

She wanted to buy herself time and she wanted to try him. Everything stopped inside her whilst waiting for his response. Would he want to? Would he stay here for her or was it all empty words? She prepared to be disappointed but hoped he would not let her down.

He did not hesitate for a moment. With tears streaming down his face, he had told her that a chance to try to win her back, to court her, was all he asked for. He would stay as long as it took or until she sent him away, but he hoped she never would.

She just barely managed to hold herself together then, so that the immense wave of joy and relief remained contained inside her instead of being manifested in another outburst of tears. Spontaneously she had touched his face, wiping his tears away. His masculine features were so vulnerable in this moment and the sensation of his warm, tear damp skin to her palm so wondrous. She knew already then that she wanted more but doubted if she would ever allow herself to fully indulge him. Reluctantly she retracted her hand. She needed him to win her confidence first. Part of her was incredibly happy, part filled with gruelling doubts.

They walked back to the house in silence that morning, both overwhelmed by the feelings inside, but when they arrived home they had breakfast together and resumed their conversation. Apprehensively at first, treading carefully, but as the day went on more and more at ease in each other's company.

Over the weeks that followed, Sidney did everything he could to erase her doubts. Given permission to woo her, his ways transformed. He did not use grand gestures like bestowing her expensive gifts or make daily verbal declarations of love, as if he understood that would make her uncomfortable rather than lead to her believe that his intentions were genuine. It was like he understood that when she said, 'show me', she meant 'show me your truest self, show me that you will be here for me' and knew that he constantly had to do that in the small everyday things.

She had seen glimpses of this man before, when he had allowed her, but it seemed like he previously had restrained himself and now did not. He was still the man who patiently had accompanied her to the modiste and seemed to enjoy it. Same man who had dreamed up journeys over an atlas with her, charmed her family and tried to blend in with them, but he also turned out to be so much more.

Spending their days together, their relationship continued to unfold like a budding rose. Tight and closed at first with thorns to watch out for, then petals slowly opening one by one, turning into a flower in full bloom. They gradually revealed more of themselves and let the other come further inside, though for Charlotte's part not yet all the way to the core. To begin with, her actions and words remained guarded, but inside her there was no doubt in what direction her heart wanted to race, if only her mind would let go of the reins. Sidney on the other hand did not hesitate to show her his feelings and intentions and his uninhibited ways were infectious. Now when his secret was out, he allowed himself to relax in her company and showed a more boyish side of himself. She soon discovered he was much more humorous than she had taken him for, and he often made her laugh once she stopped fighting the joy that bubbled up inside her.

Most days, he spent some time making sure he from a distance attended to his business in London, but other than that he was to her disposal whenever she wanted and in difference to before he often asked her opinion in business matters. When she needed time alone, he accepted that without objections even if it happened to be together with James. He let her set the pace but made it clear that if or when she wanted more, he would be there.

He often joined her to the school, where he first only observed but soon offered to help her teaching the children. She was surprised to see how kind and patient he was with them and how he gladly joined them playing during the break. When she pointed out that he seemed to have a natural talent for playing, he laughingly shrugged his shoulders and said he had his nieces and nephews to thank for that.

He was also interested to know what progress the school children had made from the start and asked if he could take part in planning future lessons. He told her that he clearly could see how much she enjoyed the teaching and would not want to deprive her of it, but if she ever felt the need to be released from some of the duties in the future, he was more than willing to pay the salary for a teacher. He admitted that he regretted he had not thought of it before. Charlotte was touched by his interest because it seemed sincere, not only a means to come closer to her. The only time his presence disturbed her was when it distracted her from her task and the more time they spent together, the more distracting she found him.

They often spent afternoons and evenings drawing up more plans for the improvement of the estate. Sometimes in the company of James, but before dinner he usually excused himself and left them to themselves. She had to admit that she longed for the moments alone with Sidney, they were the best part of her day. They shared their meals chatting or in companionable silence, then sat by the fireplace reading or playing chess or backgammon, which was entertaining even if they bickered over the rules. Sometimes he offered to read for her, and she leaned back on the chaise longue, closed her eyes and for a moment allowed herself to be seduced by his velvety voice and forget that he still was on probation as her husband. When she opened her eyes, she would find him staring at her with love in his eyes, but she was the one left feeling caught in the act because of the sensation his melodious voice stirred in her.

Many days they rode out together, enjoying the freedom of travelling on horseback around the estate. They had never done this while they lived in London and Charlotte thoroughly enjoyed surprising Sidney with her skills in this area. To race with him, galloping over fields and jumping over ditches. Her countryside upbringing with many brothers had perhaps made her wilder than a lady ought to be, but Sidney did not seem to object. She loved the way this made them laugh together and the how his eyes rested on her when they paused, filled with joy, admiration and a hunger that did not scare her.

Sometimes she became acutely aware of his presence. His solid body when he was standing next to her, his pleasant masculine scent, his strength when he helped her over a ditch. It all made her stomach twist and the rest of her body tingle. It made her wonder if the hunger in his eyes was reflected in her own even if she still fought to hold it back.

Sidney did not give her costly presents but liked to surprise her in other ways. During one of their horseback outings, they came across a blanket lying invitingly spread on the grass underneath a blossoming apple tree, with a big picnic basket beside.

"What is this?" she asked curiously as they halted their horses.

"Our lunch, if you don't mind a picnic?"

"A picnic would be very much to my taste", she smiled.

She had not been to a picnic for a long time, not since she was a girl in Willingden and felt a bit mischievous sitting down for a meal in the grass. She allowed herself to enjoy observing Sidney as he proudly unpacked the contents of the basket. It amused her to see how pleased he seemed to be that he had been able to surprise her, and he unconsciously hummed while at work. He had removed his coat and rolled up his shirt sleeves and something stirred inside her as she watched his slightly tanned, strong forearms and large hands while he nimbly served her.

She had enjoyed Sidney's company before but never felt so at ease with him as she did in this moment when they both slouched on the picnic blanket, with stomachs pleasantly full and their bodies warm to the core in that way it only can be when you feel happy on a sunny day. It was perhaps this that made her dare to put into words something that had been on her mind for some time, but she never had expected to have the courage to ask.

"When did you realise that you had feelings for me?"

The question simply came over her lips, but as soon as she had spoken her nerves failed her and she looked down, busying herself twirling grass between her fingers.
"When I realised that I love you?"
She looked up at him again and found him smiling fondly, where he lay propped up on an elbow. He seemed happy that she was curious to know. It was the first time they had spoken of their feelings since he confessed to being in love with her, even if he had tried to show her in his actions every day. Hearing the word 'love' from him again made her cheeks feel hotter than was caused by the sun.
"Yes."
"Well, I'm not entirely sure because it happened gradually, but I think I first realised in my dreams."
"In your dreams?"

She thought of the dreams she had had of him. Still had. Had his dreams been of the same nature? The mere possibility made her feel even more heated.
He nodded.
"That was how I first realised I had something beyond brotherly feelings for you, beyond just wanting to help you and make sure you were safe. Then, I admitted to myself how surprisingly much I enjoyed your company. I had settled for a life alone and was fine with that but came to realise how everything was better with you. Infinitely better. I liked things I had never imagined to like. Like accompanying you to the modiste or imagining travelling the globe looking in an Atlas. Just being near you doing anything. I realised I wanted to tell you everything. Amusing things and things that troubled me. Share how my day had been. I wanted you to share things with me in turn, so I could get to know you. I wanted to know everything about you, involve you in my life. I realised I wanted to make you happy above anything. I also wanted to protect you from harm. That was the first feeling you evoked in me, the very moment we met, and I suppose that is also were I went too far in my good intentions. If I had focused more on understanding you and getting to know you, we would never had ended up where we did, but I lost my way."

He smiled sadly.

"I am not sure I can tell you the exact moment when I realised that what I felt was love, but when we were in Willingden I knew for sure I wanted you to be my wife in every possible way. Still, I was foolish enough to think I could get rid of that feeling if I sent you away. I didn't. When you were gone I understood that I would never get over you, my life would always be half a life without you. If Babbers had not come to my rescue I'm not sure I would have been here because I was well on my way to ruining myself. I'm not saying this for you to pity me, only so you will understand how I felt."

She knew how miserably she had failed trying to harden her heart towards him, because the thought of his pain made her ache inside too.

"Ruining yourself?"

"I drank far too much and participated in illegal boxing matches where I let myself get beaten up badly. You saw me with a black eye from that once, but I snubbed you off because at that point I did not know how to handle your kindness without telling you my feelings then and there ."

He shook his head and she reminisced that day, sometime after they had returned from Willingden and he had begun to withdraw from her. They had met in the hallway when he was home for a quick change of clothes before heading out again for another raucous night on town and she had been appalled to see the bruises on his face. Without thinking, she had reached out her hand to touch him, but he had flinched, mumbled something and hurried off. She had remained standing there alone, thinking she had done something wrong. Now she understood he had evaded the touch and ran because he was afraid.

"I neglected my business. In truth, I was a sad sight to behold. Babbers convinced me I could not continue down that track, so I pulled myself together, but I was still as unhappy as before. The only thing that kept me going was the conviction that you were better off without me."

She resumed twirling grass. Part of her wanted to tell him that she had indeed not been better off without him. That even if she had not resorted to drinking or fighting and on the surface had managed well, she had been equally miserable. She wanted to tell him that she too had realised she loved him and still did, but she was not ready to say that aloud yet. She sensed that if she told him of her feelings, it would mean accepting his love and attempts to make amends and she was unsure if she was ready to fully open up her heart to him.

"And then came Susan and made you change your mind?" she asked instead.

"She made me realise I could not give up without a fight. Not a fist fight this time, but rather trying to tell and show you how I truly feel. She made me doubt that bottling up my feelings had been the right choice."

He diverted his gaze with an almost pained expression.

"Coming here and spending more time with you has made it very obvious that it was a momentous mistake. It would have been better to dare and possibly win than to simply fold down as I did. It would have been better to trust you were strong and capable enough to handle it. Here, where you have had the chance to blossom I can easily see that you are. I was afraid of my own feelings. You would not have been."

In the beginning she would have been terrified, but not towards the end, he was right about that.

"Are you afraid now?" she asked.

He reached out his hand and for a second she thought he would caress her cheek, but he simply removed an apple blossom petal which had landed in her hair. Her wayward body sighed with disappointment when he retracted his hand.

"Yes and no. I'm not afraid of my feelings, but I am afraid that my actions caused a rift between us which I will not be able to mend. I am not sure if I stood a chance in the first place, but my worst fear is that I did and ruined it all."

His eyes met hers and she saw the unspoken question there. The one she had not yet answered, and he had not pressured her to. He still did not know if she ever had had feelings for him.

"You did. You did have a chance," she told him softly.

His face reflected the conflicting emotions inside him, not knowing if he should be happy over her confession or devastated if that chance was gone forever.

"Spending time with you… and after Willingden…and then the ball, I felt like you did. I wanted to show you. Be with you", she continued. "So I came to you that night."

"What do you mean?"

He sat up abruptly, his relaxed mood gone.
There was a pause and they both looked up as a gust of wind made more apple blossom petals rain down on them. When she spoke again, her voice was choked. Even now, knowing his feelings, she was embarrassed to admit this.
"To your room. I came to your room."
She looked down and her eyes teared when she remembered the pain and humiliation she felt when she found his bed empty.
"You came?"
His voice was hoarse now, filled disbelief and alarm.

She nodded quietly.

"I never guessed you had been there."

She met his eyes again and saw despair reflected there, because he knew far too well what had happened next.
"Your bed was empty and the next morning you told me to leave."
"If I had known… Why didn't you tell me?"

His jaw was tight, and she could see how he too was fighting to hold back tears.
"How could I?" Her voice was almost a whisper. "I was so utterly embarrassed. I was convinced that I had been mistaken and you had been with... with her."

Her words made him look almost physically ill.

"But now you know it was not so. I was in the library all night, thinking of you."
"I know but I…" her voice broke and she was unable to resume speaking as she began crying heavily. She had thought she could tell him this now without tears, but it turned out it still hurt too much.

For a moment he seemed lost, like he did not know if she wanted him to comfort her, if he had the right to do that, when he was the one who had caused her tears. Then he threw his hesitation aside, moved closer on the blanket, put his arms around her and pulled her to him. She sensed that this was not a move to try to seduce her or even to try to convince her to forgive him. It was only an attempt to console her and she allowed herself to mould into him. She was not sure if anything ever had felt so good.

They stayed like that for long. His arms was around her, her wet cheek pressed to his chest. Time seemed to stretch out endlessly and she became aware of every tiny detail of the here and now. The slightly raspy fabric of his waistcoat against her face, the salty taste of teardrops reaching her lips, his heartbeats under her ear, his warm firm body holding hers tightly, her own sniffles as her tears slowly stilled and his sniffles even if he tried to bury them in her hair and the fallen petals moving aimlessly over the blanket in the breeze.

"I am sorrier than I ever will be able to tell you for what I did to us, did to you and I am afraid I love you more than I can show you", he mumbled to her hair. "With all of my heart I hope you can forgive me, but I understand if you cannot. I just want you to know that you never need to doubt my feelings for you again. I won't ever go away unless you send me away. I am here for you, only for you."

It would have been easy turn up her face to his in that moment and allow herself to be kissed, but she did not want a comfort kiss. If she ever would kiss him, she wanted it to be because things felt right and joyful, not because she needed him to kiss away her tears. So, she allowed herself to be held for long and admitted it was the most wonderful feeling, but in the end withdrew from his arms and simply bestowed him a smile.

"Thank you, I think I know that by now. I just need…"

"…time?"

"Yes, time to think about what to do about all this and if I can trust you again. I know you try to show me in every possible way, but I have to feel it. Here."

She put her hands over her heart.

"I understand", he said but she could see how he struggled inside. This was at least as hard for him as it was for her.

In this moment she asked herself if she was wisely cautious, stupidly stubborn or simply scared, but no matter what the reason was, she needed more time before she could say yes.

A/N: Sorry, I had to cut this chapter into two because it became too long to handle! As you can see it is the story that is in charge of me rather than the other way around. I promise part II is not far away but chose to publish part I while I continue to edit that.

Thank you once again for all your kind and supportive comments and for being patient with the slow-burn!