A/N: *Past trauma warning* This one's a bit dark.

Chapter title is from song by Dashboard Prophets.

75

Ballad for Dead Friends – Dashboard Prophets

He had to wait until they made another pit stop so he could get her alone. Luckily for him, Cas having to eat now was a thing, what the hell, even with Hannah's angelic assist on board. Hannah said it had something to do with the fact that Cas was Cas—not really your run of the mill human vessel, so he needed comfort food? He didn't question it. He did send Sam with to supervise, because he saw Cas eying the super sized slurpees, and just no. Not a good idea. Not with 150 miles of Death Valley floor stretching out in front of them, angel powers or not.

He waited until Sam and Cas/Hannah were out of earshot before he whirled on Zee putting gas in the Durango behind him.

"You want to tell me what the hell happened back there?"

She was doing that cool thing again, eyes narrowed at him like he was the unreasonable one, like she had no idea what he was talking about.

"Back where?"

He locked the gas nozzle in place and cross the few steps to her.

"I said: don't take chances. Back there in that kiva, you had an opening." He gestured angrily at all of himself, and the fact that he was still standing, here, on two feet and not a pile of dust. He lowered his voice. "If I'm a part of that douchebag's New Heaven Plan—that can't happen. Back there, you should've…"

She didn't even flinch.

"Job's not done."

"Job's not…I am the job."

"And you're not done." She snapped. "Last I checked, we're still being overrun by zombies. Worse than zombies. Those white smoke things. Which it seems," Her gaze was razor sharp. "you can split apart."

"That was a one-off thing. That was Cas. It was Cas resisting the demon that made that even possible."

"But you saw the demon. You pulled it out." She said it like it was that simple. "If you can do that, you're not out of control."

"I…" He gnashed his teeth together and darted a glance at the mini-Mart. He'd thrown Cas clear across the kiva without even giving a damn, without making sure Cas landed right. "If Hannah hadn't been there…"

"She was."

He blew out a sharp huff, frustrated.

"It's not just that." He hissed. "The Mark…" He broke off, trying to put a finger on the seething turmoil that got worse every time Lucifer's brand burned on his arm. There was something in store for him, something worse than even that asshat archangel Ramiel could imagine, and he could feel it. "…it's not about being Despair. It's Hell. It's me. It's what I'll do. You promised you'd do what needs to be done. Before it's too have to do your job."

She was blindingly fast when she chose to move, and blazingly furious. He reared back, but somehow he wasn't fast enough to dodge her palm slapping onto his chest. She yanked him down to her by her fist in his shirt.

"The job's not done."

He flinched back.

"The First Blade's the only thing we have." Her voice was flat, like she was just ticking off facts. "The only thing that takes down the Fallen, the only thing that we're sure nukes the zombies. You're the only thing we have. All you have to do is stay in control."

He leaned down until his nose was an inch from hers. "I know that. But I can't. I won't always be able to."

"You will. Because you have. Every time."

He choked out a scoff. It never failed to blow him away, the way she was so sure. He tried to back her off. "Not every time. Not in St. Louis. And almost not now. And next time." His voice cracked. "There can't be a next time."

He wasn't sure what he'd do.

Her eyes narrowed. Then almost dispassionately she said, "You know, the first place Rufus parked me, they tried drugs. Anti-psychotics, to fix the screaming nightmares. Boarding school—you see—screaming like that at night doesn't go well. The drugs didn't work a damn, because memories aren't imaginary."

He froze.

"Rufus, you understand, was royally pissed when he found out. So he put a lot of effort into finding options. The next place was more modern. They wanted to try animal therapy. And that was fine. Fresh air out in the countryside, and Thunder did love to run. Every afternoon we'd head out, west across the pasture, straight up to the old chestnut tree, then on to the fence line. It was predictable. I should have known better."

She paused, her voice eerily monotone.

"She was waiting for us there. The demon. She wanted me to let her into the Vault. So she shattered his hind legs. Multiple fractures, ugly enough to make sure I could see pieces of bone. He went down screaming in pain."

She stopped again, no expression at all on her face when he could barely breathe.

"Did you know the exorcism works even if you jam all the words together with no spaces? Well, it does."

It was all he could do to keep from reaching out for her, with his hands of fire and blood, hands that he kept clenched into fists by his sides.

"There was no one around for miles. I'd been around the stables long enough to know what had to happen."

Her eyes were like ice. Emotionless, because she had to be. The look she leveled at him was flat, and deadly with promise.

"Believe you me, I know my job. And you will stay in control, because our job is not done."

His eyes flicked down to the gleam of Toby's amulet at her throat.

He swallowed hard and nodded once.

She released him with a not-so-gentle shove and turned on her heel back to the Durango.