***** Author's Note *****

So, I'm currently drafting all of the ME2 chapters which is, of course, the next installment in this work. And I have a confession to make. Things are getting excessively smutty. And I love it. I hope you're still enjoying and will stick around for the rest of the road for these two. They have a lot ahead of them! Comments and kudos feed my soul 3

I don't want to admit it at first, but there are benefits to having a crew and being surrounded by people all the time. For one thing, they are constantly full of distractions. With a full, diverse crew and so many people with diverse skills, we have surveillance everywhere around the station and a myriad of missions, ops, and strategies to start knocking the gangs on Omega down.

They also have personal bullshit, gossip, and relationships with one another that I am apparently required to hear about. Mostly I just nod and drink, but they seem to appreciate it.

It helps as well just to have so many people around all the time. I'm not forced to deal with my own thoughts because I don't have much time or opportunity to. When Dhelem and Sidonis move into the apartment, I can find something or someone to occupy me at all times. We workout, we go to the shooting range - dilapidated as it might be - and I even let them talk me into playing video games.

I can occupy myself with ops all day, and I can find distractions all night or whenever we have downtime. By the time I get to bed at night, usually drunk and always exhausted, I can just pass out.

The nightmares don't fade. I can't escape Shepard's death in my dreams, and I can't stop feeling like a failure for letting it happen. And she haunts me during the day, during ops. Sometimes I can still hear her, still smell her. But I can avoid it enough that the gun ends up in my drawer. Out of sight if not completely out of mind.

The crew starts focusing on all the ways we can hurt the gang ops on Omega. Sometimes it's sheer violence, taking out a few of their numbers and a bunch of their equipment. Sometimes it involves more subterfuge, strategies to make ops too costly for the gangs to go through with them or to throw a wrench in the works so that their plans fail. At every opportunity, we're undermining the assholes who use Omega like their bitch and fuck it and the people who live here over.

And people are noticing. Archangel is a name getting whispered in every corner of this station within six months. People whisper it for help or to drop secrets for us to use, the emblem that Yom'Jenna created for us gets tagged all over the station, civilians and criminals alike say my name in fear. And the mercs are getting pissed. As far as I'm concerned, that just means we're doing something right. We're gaining notoriety and attention, my name and the Archangel image standing in the place of justice on this forsaken shithole station.

We're making a difference. Sometimes it's hellish work that threatens our souls, but we're doing the right thing. We're changing Omega. I don't want it to end up entirely like the Citadel; that's too many rules and too clean for me. But this place doesn't have to be hell, and I won't tolerate anyone who tries to stand in the way of that change.

I have Aria T'Loak on my radar at all times, anticipating that eventually she's going to get in the way. Aria has more notoriety than Archangel and a bigger reputation than the leader of any of the gangs combined. She is the unofficial leader of the station, an Asari with her hands in absolutely everything that goes down on Omega. As far as an of us can tell, Aria has no official connection to any of the gangs, but it's impossible that they operate without her knowledge. As far as I'm concerned, that's tacit consent.

And now my name is popping up on Aria's comms and in the messages that we've intercepted. What she's saying is far more concerning than I could have expected, especially if what Akart is saying is true. "I need you to be sure," I tell him, rubbing my fringe and trying to prevent the headache I can feel building. Devon leaves the table and heads into the kitchen.

"I am sure. She is using a channel that they knew we were watching." Akart motions to the streams of intercepted communications on his datapad. "They identified this channel specifically weeks ago; Aria herself mentioned it. We kept using it just in case, really; it didn't take any effort to just keep monitoring." He waves that off and continues, "Anyway. The channel went silent, obviously, but now Aria is using it again. And she's using it to talk about you."

"There's no reason to do that if she didn't want your attention." The way Sidonis is smirking at me while he says it makes me feel simultaneously confused, exhausted, and pissed off.

It's not just that Aria very intentionally is seeking my attention. It's not just that the leader of Omega is seeking out Archangel. It's exactly what she seems to be seeking that has me on edge. Aria isn't known for being subtle - a woman in charge doesn't have to be - and that's remaining true now. Aria is being rather direct. She doesn't want to deal with Archangel the way the mercs do. Aria wants Archangel.

Aria T'Loak wants me.

"I'm fucking anonymous," I growl, pounding my fist the table and wishing that my blood wasn't boiling. "She doesn't know me, doesn't know anything about me."

Devon scoffs even more obnoxiously than usual when he returns from the kitchen and places a glass of whiskey in front of me. "You're on camera, and you've been in public in your armor. And dude, you look fine as hell in that armor."

"Yeah, she agrees," Akart notes, reading through the message threads. I don't need to read them again; I remember.

Aria is a powerhouse. She's commanded an entire station in the Traverse, ignoring all the warnings that any government with sense gives about this place. She's fought off every single pirate, merc, marauder, and soldier who has tried to take this station from her over the last three centuries, and she hasn't given any of them a fucking inch.

If there is anyone left in the galaxy who can do it for me, it's Aria fucking T'Loak. And she wants me.

I have to shift to ease the pressure on my growing erection, a problem I haven't had without being very deliberate in a very long time. It doesn't help that I'm pissed off Aria would be so blatant about what she wants. No one of any species misses the meaning of her little jokes, and a line about shutting me up with her mouth made my fringe tingle when I saw it.

"Look, you know there are advantages to this," Dhelem says, leaning back in his seat at our kitchen table. "Aria has a ton of information about what goes down on this station. She could be a powerful connection for us."

"You want me to whore myself out for information?"

Sidonis scoffs at that. "Buddy, you'll have to try lying that you don't want Aria when someone who can't hear your subtones isn't around."

"And try it without someone who is rather adept at noticing when a hot guy has a hard-on," Devon chimes in.

The four of them dissolve into laughter at my expense, and I shove away from the table like a petulant fucking child. "Hey, come on," Sidonis protests, catching my arm before I can get far. "We're just screwing around."

"Like you should be," Dhelem teases, grabbing my whiskey and throwing it back.

Akart clears his throat and looks up at me. "You have been...tense since I've known you. Don't Turian usually require sex?"

"No. There are asexual Turians," Devon quips, leveling a glare at me.

"OK but seriously," Dhelem presses. "You've earned the ass, and Aria has a great one. Why aren't you taking advantage of it? And would you be willing to let me borrow your armor so that I could take advantage of it?"

I swat him in the back of the head at that, mostly because I'm annoyed he makes me laugh.

"We're done talking about this." I block them out after that and head into my bedroom. Shepard's tags are in my hand before the doors can even shut, and I try to soak her in through the metal somehow.

Lorik Qui'in was the last time I felt real attraction for anyone who wasn't Shepard, and he knew I was thinking about her the entire time. Now, this Asari - and a criminal at that - who I've never even met has me hard.

Does it mean that I'm losing Shepard, that I'm growing further from her memories? Could I lose Shepard if I go through with something with Aria?

Would Shepard hate me if she knew?

Spirits, I'm a fool. It shouldn't matter if she would be mad. First, she's dead; dead people can't get mad at the people they abandoned and left behind. And besides...she left me. For all I know, Shepard got back onto the Normandy after dumping me and slept with Kaidan. Or Liara. She was going to move on, but now she's dead, and I'm still unable.

Pathetic. I know it's pathetic.

And yet...

I have to loosen my hold on the tags before I crush them. I miss her. I miss Shepard.

Aria is interesting because she's dangerous, because she's exciting, because she's exactly the sort that always would have turned me on. But she is not Shepard, and damn did that woman do it for me. Shepard was perfect; there is no stand-in for that.

But am I willing to sacrifice something that my crew might need just to avoid a woman who turns me on? Because I'm scared of what will happen if we're alone, and how I'll feel about it afterward?

There's no time to figure out the answer to that before the door opens, and I turn to find Sidonis stepping through. His subtones aren't as playful as they were a few moments ago, and that's really the only reason I let him stay. "What's up?" I ask, sitting down on the bed in the hopes it'll make him want to leave faster. Sidonis either doesn't get the message or doesn't care, coming in to lean against the desk.

"Just wanted to make sure you're OK."

I jerk one shoulder up. "Sure. Why wouldn't I be?" His mandibles press flat to his cheeks when he narrows his gaze at me, almost enough to make me laugh. "You guys were just fooling around. It's fine."

"But you still haven't managed to let go of those tags?" he notes, motioning to where my hand is still in a fist against my chest. I hadn't even realized. "So...Commander Shepard, huh?" Now it's my turn to narrow my eyes. "Oh, come on, give us some credit. We all know you were on the mission that took down Saren and the geth on the Citadel." I have to fight not to object to the Council's party line that totally ignores the Reaper threat. "And we know that Commander Shepard died on the mission...plus your girl died."

"She wasn't my girl." Now I can release the tags, and I stand to move to the window. There's no view, just the brick wall of the building next door or the guy who lives a floor down who masturbates far too often for it to be healthy, but at least I don't have to look at Sidonis.

"Maybe not. But you bonded with her."

He's not asking. He knows. And of course he does; Turians can see it in one another, can hear it in subtones and smell it in pheromones. I'm surprised he's the first Turian on the squad to call me out on it, really. Sidonis is probably the first to figure out that he can get away with it, though.

"We aren't supposed to lose our bondmates, man. That is...I don't have words for it." The grief pouring through his subtones pierces my chest, magnifying my own pain by knowing he shares in it. It's true. When a Turian loses a close family member, they are given mandatory leave from service for two weeks. When it's their husband or wife, they get an extra week, and if the Turian loses their child, they get a month to grieve and recover.

But when a Turian loses their bondmate, they are given the opportunity to take up to a year off. If they've been with their bondmate for long enough, they're given a chance to retire right then and there, no matter how old the Turian is.

The death of a Turian's bondmate is devastating. And usually, that comes after getting to share a life with them. For me? Shepard and I barely got started when I lost her, if I ever really had her in the first place.

"I'm tired of wallowing," I confess. "I keep trying something, anything to reduce the pain. Missions, drinking...but I don't know how to include fucking in that. It's taken me this long just to get a little hot for another person."

Sidonis gives a harsh laugh. "Man, I lost my mate a year ago, and we weren't even bonded, but it took me months to even look at someone else. The guilt kinda weighs down the cock, huh?"

There's a moment of pride in his subtones when I manage to laugh genuinely at that. I turn back to him and lean on the wall, the two of us adopting the same pose across the room from one another. After a beat of silence, Sidonis sighs. "Look, we know what Aria wants, but that doesn't mean you have to go in prepared to give it to her. You have information she could use too, and she might be willing to trade her intel for that." Sidonis mirrors my earlier shrug. "That's enough. And maybe while you're there...you make a decision."

"Or my cock does."

He laughs. "Yeah, or that. Either way. You're allowed to get what you need, Arch."

I take a breath, feeling it come into my lungs a little deeper than usual. That's probably a good sign. And I know he's right. Devon has been right for weeks, the rest of them are right too. Everyone except for me knows that it's OK to move on. But he's right too that I don't have to do that immediately. Meeting with Aria doesn't automatically mean sleeping with Aria, and it's good for the crew either way.

"Tell Akart to forward that channel and those messages to my comms. I'll reach out to her myself."

Sidonis smiles and nods. Not smug, just pleased. Almost relieved. He wasn't in here to prove something, he just wants to help. Like the rest of them.

"And thanks, Sidonis," I add. "I, uh...yeah. Just thanks."

"Anytime. You got a whole crew on your six, man. Give us a shot to earn your trust." Sidonis flashes one more smile and then steps out of the room. I stare at them for a moment after the door closes behind him, unsure what to do with myself now. It's odd to feel any of the weight, the cold, that's been a constant presence in my chest for six months lifting. I'm still not sure if I like it; the price feels like a distance from Shepard, and I don't know if I'm ready for that.

But I am ready to do whatever I need to get information that could help the crew, including forming a connection with Aria. She's not criminal enough for me to shirk her assistance, but she's far enough into the dark side of Omega that she could be an invaluable resource. And...and she wants me. Maybe...

I shake my head and decide to start with a message to set up a meeting. My crew's mission is bigger than me, bigger than my grief and my lonely heart. I'll do whatever it takes to drive change on Omega.

After a few days of back and forth, and more than a little innuendo I try my best to ignore, Aria gives me the coordinates to a location where she wants to meet. I take another twenty-four hours to scope it out before agreeing to meet her. Devon knows immediately that the location is a by-the-hour hotel popular with people who travel to the Omega for weird sex, and we make sure with surveillance and some tech from Akart that Aria doesn't have a trap planned. I agree once I'm convinced that the only thing threatening me at that hotel is what might be on the sheets.

Aria and I both agree not to bring more than one person for back-up, and we promise not to go in wired. The goal is to establish a relationship based on mutual trust so that we can exchange information and intel to benefit each of us. We have to go in vulnerable. I don't love it, but the payout will be worth the anxiety if Aria is even half as connected as she seems to be.

I think Devon might have a heart attack before I even get through the door, though. "You have got to calm down, dude," I tease him while finishing the seals on my armor. He's been in my bedroom all morning, hovering and not trying to hide that he's hovering. "You encouraged me to do this, you know."

"Yeah, that actually makes it worse. Now I'll feel guilty if you end up dead." He smirks when I shoot him a glare. "You have spare ammo? Your Omni-Tool? Condoms?"

"I am not taking condoms." Devon scoffs at that and stands, going into his pocket and pulling out a string of foil wrappers - Turian condoms individually perforated and ready to go. And in his sweatpants? "You just carry those around the apartment all the time? What do you think is going to be happening here?" I put my hand up quickly before he can speak. "Don't. Don't answer that."

"Smart boy. But you're taking these. Better safe than sorry, right?"

I scowl at him but grab them. I'm going to convince myself that it's to shut Devon up, but it's because he's right. If something happens...

"Nothing is going to happen," I tell both of us. I'm not ready. I'm not interested. I'm... "I gotta go."

Devon follows me out of the bedroom, right on my heels. The entire crew is here, which is quickly becoming the norm around here, and they take up a lot of space. They also usually make a shit ton of noise, but at the moment, they're nearly silent. Dhelem stands, ready to go with me and already geared up. "You're not going to leave him, right?" Devon asks the Batarian.

"Not until they start getting naked, buddy," he responds, patting Devon's shoulder. I just roll my eyes, well beyond trying to convince any of them that I'm not going to this meeting with any interest in sex. It's just easier to be quiet. Though I am grateful Devon didn't give me the condoms that are now in my pocket in front of the whole crew.

"Don't kill anyone without me," I tell them before departing. I catch Butler's eye on my way out the door and flash my eyes toward Devon; the other human on the crew nods one and gives me a little smile. I trust him to keep an eye on Devon while I'm gone, in case the little guy starts to panic. He's kind of protective, and it's kind of adorable.

Dhelem is quiet while we head to the hotel, back in the part of the station where Devon and I used to live. That really only makes me feel grosser about where I lived for months. But Dhelem is never quiet, and it does nothing to ease my constantly growing anxiety. Every step increases my nausea; it'll be a miracle if I don't end up throwing up all over Aria.

I swear the condoms in my pocket weight more than the rifle on my back. It's a constant reminder of every flirty word and double entendre Aria sent me over the last few days. She has an expectation that she's going to get laid, and I have a feeling that Aria isn't using to getting turned down. I'm not scared to do it, I don't think she's a creep, but I don't know how I'll react to her in person. Hell, some of the shit she said was enough to get me going through e-mail. And every second of that - and every inch of it - came with guilt.

An available woman wants me, and I'm thinking about bailing. I barely even recognize myself anymore, and I definitely don't like this version of me.

I shake it off and focus as we reach the hotel. We get nearby, both of us scanning the area, when a Turian I don't recognize approaches me and asks, "You got another smoke, man?"

I nod, hand him a cigarette that I light for him, and then wait until he disappears into an alley to follow him. That was our code; this must be Grizz, Aria's guard.

Grizz is leaning outside a door, not hiding the way he's checking me out. Dhelem notices it, too, and he tries to hide his laugh behind a cough. He tries and fails, but Grizz doesn't seem to mind. Fortunately, he can be all business.

"You'll get a room number and code from Aria on a secure channel," he tells me, doing something on his own 'Tool. The rasp in his voice seems even deeper and even raspier when it echoes a little in the alley. I refuse to check him out; this is bad enough as it is. I hear a click and he motions to the door into the hotel with a nod. "You go in alone. He stays with me."

I can feel Dhelem's anxiety at that, and I know that Devon will lose his shit if I tell him I even thought about going in alone...but I'm thinking about going in alone. I turn to my teammate. "Message me in five minutes. I don't answer, you start shooting."

"Deal."

We both look to Grizz, who looks totally calm and jerks one shoulder up quickly. "Whatever." His casual attitude about it puts me at ease and I force myself to walk through the door without thinking about it anymore. I've done more than enough to prepare; time to get this done.

Once inside, I get a message from Aria and then follow holograph signs on the walls to the hotel room. Most of the signs are broken or flickering, the hallway smells like a mix of cigarettes and a strip club, and at least one entire hallway has no lighting. The place makes my skin crawl, and yet, I can feel my temperature rising with every set, anticipation setting in.

It's an excitement I haven't experienced since the last time I rode the elevator up to meet Shepard in her quarters, one that I didn't think I could feel again. It's a thrill unique to approaching someone you know wants you, sexual tension building before you even get into the same room so that your heart is thumping hard by the time you arrive. And by the time I reach the hotel room where Aria is waiting, my mouth is a little dry. My brain might not be sure about what I want to see happen in there, but my body damn sure is.

I use the code on my Omni-Tool to unlock the door instead of knocking and again march right through without giving myself time to think about it.

The hotel room is a matchbox, the entire space dominated by a bed that's too large for the square footage. It's fairly obvious what the room is intended for, based on that. Aria is standing at the end of the bed, and I find myself a weird combination of relieved and disappointed that she's not naked or wearing lingerie. She really doesn't have to put forth the effort, though.

Aria is wearing white, which makes the almost sapphire shade of her skin stand out and glow, and the cut of the top does a lot for her breasts. Her body is almost nothing but curves, and in an outfit much more modest than I've seen on most Asari, she oozes sex appeal. The cocky smirk on her face and the sharp lines of her facial tattoos only adds intensity to that. It's nearly intimidating. It's definitely tempting.

This is a woman of power, and I can't miss the similarities to the last woman to turn me on like this. I know what she needs, what she wants, and I know I could give it to her.

"Wasn't sure you'd show," she purrs, sitting down on the bed and leaning back on her elbows. It's not overt, and it doesn't have to be. She's going to undo me if I let her. And that's just not who I am.

Take control, Vakarian.

I have to stop trying to ignore her sexuality and my attraction to it. It only makes her harder to resist, puts her in control. Neither of us wants me submissive and nervous. It's not natural to me, anyway. I'm going to remind this woman who she's dealing with. Archangel is not weak.

I step further into the room and lean against the dresser, crossing my arms over my chest. Her eyes dart to my biceps for just a moment, and my visor registers a brief spike in her heart rate. Aria isn't the only person in the room who knows how to use their sex appeal.

"Wasn't sure you could make it worth it," I tell her, keeping my voice low. "Still aren't, but I figured you could have a chance."

"A chance?" She barks out a laugh. "You know who I am to this station, so you must have a real quad talking to me like that."

"You know who I am, too, Aria. I wouldn't be here if you didn't." I give that a moment to stick in. "So why don't you cut the shit and tell me what exactly it is I'm doing here and what you can offer me?"

Aria tries to fight it for a moment, but I catch the smile that flashes across her face before she looks away to try and hide it. She grabs a datapad from the mattress beside her and waves it at me. "I know you have holes in your intelligence with the chain of command in every gang. I can give it to you."

"What makes you think I need to know that? If they're all dead, does the chain of command matter?"

"You're too good at this not to know the answer to that, Archangel. Especially since you're at the top of your own chain." And she's right; I am both at the top and too good. Knowing who's at the top directs your targets. We won't waste ammo or time on low level ops and mercs if we know who is running things, who pays the rest of the gang, and who makes the call. A pawn is only useful if it can get you to a king.

I want the information she's offering, and she knows it. But that doesn't mean she doesn't have to make it worth it for me.

"I assume you're not giving it away." Her heart rate leaps again when I scan her slowly from fringe to high-heeled boot. Damn, those boots would look great over my - I clear my throat and stop my own thoughts before they run away from me. "So, what do you want from me?"

"Hmm. What's on the table?"

My smile at that is actually genuine. I like the way she operates. "If your information is worth it...the start of a mutually beneficial arrangement. You know as well I do that I can give you exactly what you're looking for, Aria."

"Oh, I don't doubt that." Her eyes scan me this time and I can almost feel the heat they leave behind. "You have opportunities I don't. You can go places I can't. So you have eyes and ears where I don't. All I'm asking is that you pass along anything you think I might consider interesting."

"How would I know what you consider interesting?"

She smiles and meets my gaze. "You'll give me what I'm looking for, remember?"

"Hmm." It's a fair deal. An intel exchange like this is fairly common. "How do I know you won't use the information I can give you against me? I know you don't officially operate in or with those gangs, but you can't tell me you don't benefit from them at least a little."

Her smile fades completely and becomes a deep scowl, her heart rate spiking for a totally different reason this time. "Those gangs are run by over-testosteroned assholes with a complex about the size of their dicks. They can't stand knowing that a woman is running the station. Hell, even the Eclipse Sisters have an issue with me."

"Your dick bigger than theirs, too?"

"Ha! Something like that." I can tell she appreciates a tiny bit of tension relief, but I don't want to calm her down completely. She is even sexier when she's pissed, and it's kind of nice to let myself enjoy it for a bit. "I don't benefit from their ops; they use their ops to try and undermine me. I don't allow off-station weapons trade, I don't allow drug manufacturing, and I most definitely do not allow slavery. I don't have to tell you that they try it anyway. Most of the time they operate them under the radar, but they're all cocky enough to make sure I know at least some of it. You can help me learn the rest, and I can help you make them pay."

I wonder if I would be half as successful as Archangel if I were a woman. If my teammates would have joined and given me leadership so eagerly, if the civilians on the station would respect me. Women on every station and of every species have to fight harder than they should; Shepard certainly did. So I don't doubt Aria, not for a second. I'm rapidly developing quite a bit of respect for her, and I'm genuinely considering working with her for the first time.

"Trial basis," I tell her. "I'll give you a piece of information to use and see what you do with it. If you're pleased with the intel and I like how you respond, we keep working together, and you can thank me with that list." I motion to the datapad with the names she promised.

"Trial basis. You have a deal."

Aria leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees. The position gives an even better view of her cleavage and brings to mind thoughts of the woman on her knees, using her...

I take another deep breath, forcing myself to calm. I don't need her to watch me get a hard-on. Shit, that thought didn't help at all.

"So...was intel all you came here for, Archangel?" she asks, obviously not one to beat around the bush. "I'm usually pretty good at reading what people want from me, but you...I can't read you. And since I don't like to play games..." She stands and takes one slow step toward me. "Tell me. Do you want me?"

And in an instant, it's like I'm a child again. A fledgling with no experience instead of a grown man who has had lovers across species for decades. My mouth goes dry, my heart thumps, and all the blood in my head rushes right to my dick. I forget how to use words apparently too and just stammer at her. It's like an out of body experience.

Aria laughs after a moment, ending my torture. "Wow. I gotta admit...I had expectations. I mean, usually when a guy looks like you," she motions at me in a circular motion to encompass all of me, "he's got some experience."

I can feel my throat flush. I'm not sure whether or not she meant it as a challenge, but it's hard not to take it that way.

"We have a business arrangement," she sighs, pushing to her feet. "But I guess you can't deliver everything I'm looking for."

The Asari narrows her eyes at me and cocks her hip. In that instant, she becomes intensely familiar. Cocky, strong, sexy as hell, a woman in charge. And wanting me. This isn't a woman to be conquered; dominating her is going to be an adventure we'll both enjoy. It's been almost a year since I had anyone, any comfort, any of the warmth even a casual lover brings. Almost a year since I was dumped and then abandoned.

Shepard isn't here. I'm suffering, pushing on without her. But Aria is here. And I'm damn well going to show her what I can deliver.

I catch her arm as the Asari moves to walk past me to leave the room. She stops and looks up at me, and when I meet her eye, Aria tilts her head back to expose her throat to me. She submits. And instantly, my body becomes familiar once again. For Archangel, second nature is holding a sniper rifle. But Garrus Vakarian is still in here somewhere, and this I can do.

"I'm not dating you," I inform her.

"No, you're not. I don't have any interest in dating," she replies. "You're wearing a condom."

"And anyone else you're fucking will wear a condom, too."

Aria smirks. "Wanna meet them?" My cock twitches mercilessly in my pants.

"Maybe another time. For now..." I yank Aria toward me by the arm I'm holding, bringing her flush up against me. Her body is soft, warm, and pliable and the little gasp she lets out is everything. I chase away any awareness of that cold in my chest with all my focus on Aria. She's here, alive and wanting, and not going to break my heart.

I lose myself in Aria, sparing time once to consider whether or not Dhelem is still waiting after our third round. And when it's over, I don't want to stay. I don't want her to ask me to stay or to tell me about her life. We're both spent, both satisfied, and both going home with our dignities intact.

Aria and I part at the hotel room door, and Dhelem is in the alley. He can't hide his shit-eating grin, but he knows better than to say anything on the walk back. It's not until we're almost back at the apartment that he asks, "How was it?"

"We have a deal."

It's all I can think to say. It's really all I can think about what just happened at all. It was...good. She's as hot as I knew she would be, a powerful challenge and a solid partner. It was a relief, too. The time I just spent in her arms was the only time in almost a year that I didn't have Shepard in the back of my mind, and the thoughts of Shepard come with nothing but pain.

That was what I needed. But now that it's over...

I was warm with Aria up against me, but now that there's no one underneath me, that cold in my chest is like ice penetrating my heart. There's no one with me at all now; Shepard's presence feels...distant. Missing.

I can remember Aria's moans and the way she begs, but it's drowned out in my mind by the metallic clink of Shepard's tags bouncing against my carapace. The darkness at the back of my mind looms and threatens, back with a vengeance after being silenced by a focus entirely and exclusively on my physical pleasure.

I've strained the only remaining connection to Shepard I had, and now I'm losing memories of the only thing that's given me any relief. If I have neither, the darkness is all that's left.

I remember the way that gun felt in my mouth, the sharp metallic taste of the barrel on my tongue. The thought simultaneously terrifies and excites me. And it's that excitement I know I should really be afraid of.

I can't be like this. And I can't be fucking all the time either. I can't...

I need a fucking drink.

Some things get easier after Aria. It's easier to find someone to warm my bed, to get a couple hours of relief from my own mind. It's not as dark if I'm not alone, and there is always someone willing.

We have missions. We work on dismantling operations for the Blue Suns, the Blood Pack, and Eclipse systematically, and we're wildly successful. Between the crew, we have all the skills needed to hit them from every angle. We're steadily gaining support and popularity from the citizens on Omega, and our notoriety with the gangs increases by the day. Things are going as well as they can be.

The crew gets along. They're like a family. And I never feel part of it, no matter how hard they try to include me because I'm constantly missing something. Someone. I don't know how to form full connections when I'm hollow. It's easier to form hollow connections.

I find those in strangers and at the bottom of the bottle. And I find myself partaking in those more and more often.

There is always someone willing. At first, I stick with just Aria. It's easier since we have an agreement. And she really does have useful information; plus she's pretty damn good in bed. She brings Grizz in after a few of our nights together, and then he and I hook up on our own once. And that night, I realize I can't be satisfied with just them. So I find more.

Turians, Asari, a Batarian guy, a few Salarian, and even a Drell - which is the only sexual experience I have ever had that goes to completion and is still horrible. Lesson learned with that one. And then I spot a human...only the second one ever to catch my attention.

I'm not stupid. I know why. The human, a man who is probably about my age, has red hair and green eyes. He's a merc, so he's well built. He has experience with Turians, so he touches me the right way, feels the way I want him to against me. I can close my eyes and pretend it's her, and it's like ascending. For a moment, I think I've found both relief from the pain of her loss and someone who could replace her, at least in feeling.

And then he kisses me.

This human tastes nothing like Shepard. He smells nothing like Shepard. But I was using him to replace her.

It hits me then that I was using all of them to replace her.

I was replacing my bondmate, and it put a far too tenuous strain on my connection to Shepard's remaining presence. I throw that human out and try my hardest to sense her, to smell her, to feel her near me. And she's gone. Shepard is gone even from my mind. I threw everything I had left with her away to try and get a cheap replacement.

Devon has to pull me out of the shower and out of the bottle in the morning. I want to make a joke about role reversal, but the disappointed look on his face breaks my spirit. I confess it all to him, I let him hold me, I try not to keep drinking.

"You weren't trying to replace her," Devon argues. "You were trying to move on. And maybe it's time for that. Maybe you're feeling like this because it started to work and because you feel guilty about it." He catches my gaze and repeats, "Maybe?"

"Yeah...yeah, maybe."

That's why I don't feel her as strongly. Because I'm leaving her behind. And when I do, when I'm with someone else, it eases all that pain. The pain that I have because...because I won't let her go.

"I don't know if I want to move on," I confess, my voice breaking. "I don't know...if I want to let her go."

"I don't know if you can keep living like this, Arch." I can tell he feels bad about even saying, but he's right.

A knock on the door startles Devon, but I just look up when Dhelem and Sidonis come in. "You alright there, big guy?" Sidonis asks. "Sorry," he corrects immediately when I wince. "You're just...large." That manages to drag a laugh out of me.

"We saw that human guy take the walk of shame," Dhelem tells me. "Well...I guess it was more like a run of shame. He could not get out of here fast enough, man. I'm guessing it didn't go well."

I wince again. "Yeah...I don't think I was very nice when I told him to go." My memory of the whole thing is fairly foggy since I was absolutely trashed after drinking almost an entire bottle of Ryncol before even getting to the bar. I'm pretty sure I pushed the guy off me forcibly, though, and then threatened his life if he didn't get the fuck out. I'll have to apologize. Or never see him again. Preferably the latter.

"Look, man, we know you're going through it, and believe me, we're hurting for you," Sidonis says. "But the last few weeks...you've been almost out of control. What's going on?"

I want to tell him to fuck off. I also just want to tell someone.

"It's been a year since I lost her. A year last week." A harsh laugh escapes me, and I add, "And Christmas is coming," even though two of the three people listening won't understand that at all.

"It feels like we're gonna lose you," Devon says softly, resting his head on my shoulder and pressing closer to my side. I don't fight him, wrapping an arm around his waist and soaking in the non-threatening warmth.

"Maybe you'd be better off." That one gets me a smack from Devon; I probably earned it.

Dhelem shakes his head. "Man, we have some big missions coming up soon. We need you to lead them. And I don't really care if that puts pressure on you to not fucking die, because you should not fucking die." Sidonis explodes into honest giggles at that it becomes contagious almost immediately, the laughter making my head throb, but I don't care at all.

He's right. I have a purpose. Maybe it's really what brought me here, what Shepard's presence wanted me to do all along. And I'm not about to throw that away. We have work to do. I have to move on.