I have failed.
It doesn't matter what we've accomplished on Omega. It doesn't matter that we've crippled the Blue Suns slavery operations, virtually put an end to the red sands operations by the Eclipse, and bankrupted the Blood Pack weapons movements. It doesn't matter that Archangel and his crew has been successful in our mission, in our work against the gang operations here.

None of it matters because I failed where it counts.

Not only did I fail to protect my team, to keep them safe. But instead of just costing any member of my team their life, it was Devon. I failed, and I lost Devon.

He was my first friend when I ran from everyone else in my life. He was my only friend on Omega when I was far too miserable to deserve friendship from anyone. He believed in me. Devon didn't just give Archangel value the way the rest of my team has, but Devon created life for Garrus Vakarian when he was all but dead. Hollow. And now...

He's gone.

Devon is gone, and it's because I failed to protect him. I went out to wrestle with some shitbag Krogan selling weapons and left Devon unprotected, yes, but if I weren't Archangel - if I hadn't started this war and drawn so much attention to all of us - Devon would still be alive. I stare at the empty end of my bed after coming out of a shower and know that he should be there. Devon is always here when I get out of the shower, always ready to tease me or give me someone to complain to or...

He'll never be there again. Because of me. Because I failed him.

I have two choices now. There are two paths ahead of me, and I have this moment to choose one. My crew is waiting for me to choose. And I know which one they want.

The first choice, the more obvious one, and the one that feels more like Archangel, is revenge. I can hit that op tonight, the one that the Eclipse sisters were trying to stop me from hitting at all, even harder. I can make them pay in a big way. And not just them. I can continue to hit harder, faster, more violently. I can avenge Devon with blood.

I can make a point that no one should fuck with Archangel and his crew.

The other choice is calling to me when I stare at the empty spot at the end of my bed. It tugs at that hollow spot in my chest that's started to feel like part of me. I can't even take Devon's tags and hang onto them. He's just...gone. I didn't think the pain could get worse, and now I've lost someone else. And now it's even harder to breathe.

I can end that pain. The revolver, the one that should have been Shepard's Christmas present and the one that Devon knew about - the only person who knew about it, is still in my beside table. That revolver will end the pain. It's been my escape plan, my ticket out, this whole time. But it's at least been a few months since I wanted to put it in my mouth so badly.

It's been even more months since I could actually taste the damn thing on my tongue.

The last time my team pulled me out of this, I didn't think I would ever be back here. I fooled myself into thinking that by distancing myself from the people I loved, I wouldn't risk this lose again. Like an asshole, I came to love the members of my team and failed to protect them all.

And now if I have to decide if Archangel keeps going, or if Garrus...does not.

I wish I could ask for Shepard's advice. I wish I could tell her that my shattered heart is starting to break all over again and that I don't even know how that's possible, but here I am with a knife in my fucking chest and Devon dead. I wish I could tell her that because this is Omega, his body will be airlocked. There is no honorable burial on this station. And the fact that he's going out the way that she died makes me feel even worse. I wish I could tell her even though I know what Shepard's response would be.

She'd tell me to get over myself. She'd tell me to quit fucking whining and get back in the battle. She would never tolerate me threatening to off myself because I'm mourning her nearly two years after she dumped my sorry ass. Shepard would set me on the path that she knew was right because Shepard always did the right thing.
The work that I've done as Archangel would make her proud. She would never seek vengeance against Batarian mercs and pirates for what happened to her and her family, but Shepard would appreciate the strides we've taken toward ending their slave operations. She would see the obvious value in keeping weapons and drugs off other planets and out of the hands of innocent people on Omega. Shepard would have adored Devon.

Archangel was all about making Shepard proud. Following that very first Blue Suns merc, the one trying to sell Melody, was because of a fire that the human I loved stoked in me. Now, I can either extinguish that fire...or I can let it rage.

For a year when she was my Commander, my best friend, and occasionally the woman I was lucky enough to worship sexually, I never let Shepard down. I was far from perfect, and I'm sure she wanted to smack me once or twice, but I never disappointed her. I made sure of that; she could rely on me, and she knew it.

For the last couple of years since she's been dead, I've done my best not to let Shepard down. I'm not positive I've been successful. I had a gun in my mouth, I've fucked dozens of strangers recklessly, and I made a huge mistake with Liara. And I've told myself repeatedly that she deserves it, in a way, because she's not here.
But Archangel existed to make Shepard proud. Hell, even the name was Shepard's doing without her ever knowing. And now she's not the only person who isn't here and yet still holding some moral power over me. Devon admired me. Devon wanted to be proud of me.

Archangel has a responsibility to Devon and to Shepard and to the rest of this team. Hell, they aren't going to quit if I go out with a bang. They'll continue to fight, only they'll do it without me. I would have to abandon them. And that would disappoint Shepard more than anything else I could ever do.

That settles it. For Shepard, for Devon, for my team... Archangel isn't going anywhere.

I dress in my armor and wipe down my weapon, taking care to remove any traces of the last two shots I took. The shots that didn't save Devon. I put on Shepard's dog tags and don't bother to tuck them inside this time. I'm ready to go. I'm ready to be Archangel.

My Omni-Tool dings with a message, giving me pause on the way out of my room. Sidonis. And he has a lead for me.

"Stay here, together," I tell the crew on my way out. I don't want them out right now, and I want them here to support one another. "Sidonis has something for me, but I'll be back before the op tonight. Don't go out until I am. Got it?"

"Butler went to take Nalah home," Dhelem tells me, calling across the room. "I'll get him back here asap. You OK?"

I look back at the door and nod. He's been around long enough to worry more than the others, so I owe him this. "I'm OK. We're gonna get them back for this."

"Damn right," Sertis cheers.

The door opens, but I don't take another step, watching my crew for a moment longer. Shepard didn't do big moments, and I'm realizing now that I'm not cut out for them either. It's for the best with these guys; the thought makes me smile.

"You make me proud. I'm gonna do the same for you."

I don't give them a chance to respond before leaving. I'm going to meet Sidonis, bring him back here, and then Archangel and his crew will continue to kick ass.

We aren't done yet. I'm not done. I can't be.

*****Author's Note*****

Writing this entire work was painful and cathartic in ways I can't really put words to. It was difficult to share but your comments and kudos make it an amazing experience. Thank you so much, I'm thrilled that you're still enjoying the story.

I've posted a new work - Just Give Me a Reason - that will continue Garrus & Elle's story into the Mass Effect 2 timeline!