A/N: I love the speculation on whether it was Trish or Sarah that Jack was talking to. One reader suggested it might have been Krennick. Cough, Cough, no I don't want that barracuda ruining my story. We will get to Jack's mystery woman a little later, but it is back to Harm and Mac this chapter. The Title of this chapter comes from a song by Three Days Grace, I don't own them either, but they can sure write some power ballads.
Chapter 8: I'd Rather Feel Pain Than Nothing at All
Even though she can see into his soul, through those beautiful eyes of his, Mac isn't sure that she can trust what she is looking at. It's not that she doesn't trust him, he has never given her reason to doubt his honesty. He has always, always, been truthful with her, even when it wasn't what she wanted to hear. It's her own emotions, her own heart that she is not sure she can rely on. It has failed her way too many times in the past. Or maybe it was listening to her head instead of leading her heart, she really isn't sure anymore.
She left him, after he sacrificed everything for her. It was worse than when she ran straight into Mic's arms after Harm rejected her on that ferry. Once again, she had trampled all over him, giving no respect or thought to what he might have been feeling at the time. She had once asked him what he was willing to give up to have her, and once she got over her anger for the Paraguay debacle, she realized that he had willingly given up everything. And how did she pay him back? By walking out of his life without a single word. Begging the Admiral to send her away. Packing up her things, and never looking back at her old life. Not keeping in touch with even her godchildren. How can he sit here and forgive her for everything like it never happened? How can he still care enough to sit at her side and comfort her? She answers her own thoughts, 'Because it's Harm. He always cares about protecting others and keeping them safe and doesn't worry about how much he gets hurt in the process.'
Her tears continue to fall, more earnestly now. Even though her body is slightly battered right now, her emotions are wreaking more havoc that any physical injuries ever could. Her heart aches, not only for all of their lost chances before Paraguay, but for all the pain she made him endure after it. She can't even fathom how he felt. She knows that if the situation had been reversed, that she most likely would have given up all her years of sobriety, and probably never would have crawled back out of the bottle. She had a hard enough time keeping herself away from it after she left. She was lonely, but her life was the way she chose it to be. She was numb, from any feelings, good or bad. She figured that by being alone, and shutting practically everyone out, that she couldn't hurt anyone anymore. She didn't want to make anyone "dead, or feel like they were dead," just from simply crossing her path. She isn't even positive if it is this latest event, or a culmination of everything before it that is causing her to feel this way. Right now, you could probably tell her that the sky is green and the grass is blue, and it would make more sense to her than anything else running through her head.
Normally, Harm's presence has a calming effect on her, or at least it used to. He was always her rock, the one she could turn to in her darkest times of despair, like when her husband was killed, or she was charged with murder, or when Mic left her. So why did she turn away from him and run this last time? Why, oh why, did she push him of all people away? Why did she tell him "never" when she wanted "forever"? all this spiraling questions make it so she can't even control her breathing as her body starts shaking violently with gut wrenching sobs.
Harm slides an arm under her uninjured side, and gathers her in a tight embrace. He uses the other arm to rub soothing strokes up and down her back, his own tears lightly falling, and intermixing with hers. He isn't sure that she even notices in her current state, but that isn't important right now. When she is feeling a little better, he will tease her that "she's not the only one crying this time." He just hopes it won't push her further away.
He doesn't know how long she has been holding this pain inside, but all he wants to do is help her. He isn't sure what it will take to lessen her pain, but he is willing to do anything and everything to make it easier for her. Save her from herself if that is what he has to do. He will gladly spend the rest of his life attempting to erase the agony she endured as a child, the confusion from her drunken years, and all the heartbreaks she suffered through afterwards. He wants to replace all that hurt with a lifetime of love, caring, and understanding. He doesn't care if they have the next forty seconds, or the next forty years. He just wants to be with her, in any capacity she will allow him. He squeezes her closer, and whispers in her ear, "Sarah, I'm here. All you have to do is let me in."