This is gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt

Give it all we can, it'll never work

This is gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt

Beware of butterflies, they'll break your heart

~ Gabbie Hanna, Butterflies

BPOV

Sometimes, the whole girly thing was fun. I liked having pretty nails and perfectly curled hair and nice clothes. Sometimes I was horrible at picking things that matched or making sure my makeup was decent, but I could hold my own when getting ready. Usually.

There were always occasions where everything went to hell pretty fast. Like tonight when my hair was doing a weird swoosh thing in the back when I curled it, and how the thin eyeliner I was going for turned in to something else entirely before I started over.

Once I was done, I stared at myself in the full-length mirror in the most gorgeous bathroom I had ever been in. All creamy marble and lighted shelves and a shower I was now in love with.

It had taken me a good thirty minutes to decide on my outfit. I had more blazers than I knew what to do with, but this didn't really seem like a blazer kind of evening. I ended up in a soft black dress, floral lace layered over it. The neckline was a little deeper than I'd like, stopping dead center between my breasts, but the dress stopped mid-thigh which seemed okay. The sleeves were long with a pretty floral pattern going down my arm.

I slipped my feet into a pair of simple black flats because I wasn't sure how much walking we were going to do, and I didn't want to do any of it in heels. I was in the middle of a fight with the clasp on a necklace when there was a knock at the door.

I scampered over to open it quickly, not doing a very good job at covering up the soft gasp when I saw Edward there. It hadn't been more than a few hours since I last saw him, but he was kind of beautiful and it took my breath away for a moment.

His hair was a little damp and pushed back, though I was sure in an hour or so it would be its usual dry and messy self. He was in all black, a color I didn't see on him often. Not like this. The black button down was pressed perfectly and tucked in to a pair of black slacks. The sleeves were rolled up his arms. His face a little flushed, maybe from the shower, and his eyes bright and incredibly distracting.

"Hi," I mumbled, standing back so he could walk in. "I just need a minute."

I walked into the living room, Edward following, cursing to myself with the clasp behind my neck.

Edward chuckled, fingers suddenly grabbing the necklace behind my neck. "Here, let me," he offered, maneuvering around my pony tail and quickly fastening it without an issue.

"Thank you," I whispered, quickly grabbing the small black clutch. It was only big enough for my phone and lipstick.

Edward's face lit up when I turned back to him, eyes bright with humor and a smile taking up half of his face. "Never thought I'd see you go anywhere without that fifty-pound bag."

I frowned playfully at him as he held the door open for me. "It's not fifty pounds."

"It's pretty damn close."

I chuckled softly, getting into the elevator beside him. I couldn't really argue, because he was right.

As soon as the doors closed my entire body felt like a live, exposed wire. Edward stood no closer to me than he had on a number of occasions. It usually excited my butterflies, but this was different. This was like every muscle in my body was straining to touch him. To tell him how much he suddenly meant to me.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He was a nice guy and I was an inexperienced child compared to him. His questions and concerns were nothing more than Edward showing he was a good person. He didn't do it because he felt an ounce of what I felt for him, and I needed to keep that in my mind if I was going to survive this week.

As soon as the doors opened I hopped out as fast as possible, taking a few deep breaths once we were out of such a confined space.

Once we were standing on the bustling street, Edward turned to me. "Are you okay with walking a few blocks?"

"Sure," I replied, rocking back and forth on my thankfully flat feet.

Edward smiled down at me and turned to the left. He kept his strides short, I noticed, probably keeping pace with me. My legs were shorter and I was a little distracted as we walked. By him and the city around me. And then the two men I noticed that were following us.

"They're bodyguards," Edward said softly.

"Oh. You don't usually have them."

"No. People don't really care all that much about me in Los Angeles. But, they're just a precaution here."

We were shown to a private room in the quaint little Italian restaurant once we got there. It was packed, but the small room off to the back was peaceful and quiet. Edward pulled my chair out for me and sat across from me with a smirk.

"Have you been here before?" I asked, scanning over the menu.

"No. A friend recommended it."

"You have friends?" I blurted out. I had been working with him a month and no one ever really visited him or his show, not besides family.

Thankfully, Edward chuckled at my word-vomit. "Yes. I'm having lunch with a few of them tomorrow, actually."

"Hmm," I sighed. Internally berating myself for wondering if any of the six were considered friends.

All afternoon I thought dinner would be awkward. I wasn't great at small talk, but Edward was. He could keep a conversation going with anyone, it was one of the things I found endearing about him. And confusing, considering his interviews were kind of like pulling teeth these days.

But, tonight, he kept a small smile on his face as he asked me about my time in college, seeming too interested in my lackluster time studying. His face lit up when I asked him about Masen and Lucy, pulling out his phone to show me pictures of them as they grew up.

They had come by the theater a few times since Monday. They were surprisingly sweet for a couple of sixteen-year-olds, but I was sure I only ever saw them on their best behavior. It was obvious they loved their dad, though. And that he was just as obsessed with them.

"Do you ever regret it?" I asked softly. I didn't want it to come across insensitive, but I was genuinely curious. "Having them so young?"

He could see right through my question, his eyes softening as he looked over at me. "I regret how things turned out sometimes, but I don't regret them. They've kept me sane and grounded and… myself for a long time."

I nodded, dropping my hands to my lap. My parents made no effort to keep their opinions about their early marriage a secret. They regretted getting married, and they regretted having something that forced them to remember it every day.

"Alice always loved fashion. She knew what she wanted to do with herself since she was about ten. Esme put me into acting classes around then, but I wasn't all that great," he said, playfully frowning at me when I chuckled. "I was always good with people, though. Never had any issues fitting in at school or public speaking. I was in the process of trying to figure out what I wanted to do when Irina came to me and said she was pregnant."

The mention of Irina ruined my good mood. I hadn't seen her since the NDA incident, but she still irked me. The whole situation was confusing, but I didn't really want to bring it up right now.

"Everything worked out pretty well, in the end," I added quietly. Edward seemed deep in thought, but I didn't want his mood ruined either.

He took a deep breath, eyes looking me up and down from across the table. "Yes, it did."

Edward stood, seemingly ready to go, but I frowned up at him.

"We didn't pay."

"I already did," he shrugged. "When you went to the restroom."

"Oh, well, I can –"

"I invited you to dinner, Bella. It's already done, anyway."

I frowned at him as I stood, but he just chuckled and led me out of the restaurant. I had money. Obviously, nowhere near as much as him. But enough to pay for my own dinner.

We opted for walking to Rockefeller Plaza instead of sitting in traffic. It was a nice, early summer night and I didn't mind the walk.

"I have a confession," I told Edward as we were getting close.

"What's that?"

"I've never seen a whole episode of Saturday Night Live."

Edward's head snapped over at me, eyes wide. "Never?"

"Nope," I shrugged. Truth was, the show didn't hold my interest.

Edward laughed, one of his big genuine laughs that made my chest hurt. "You are… a mystery, Bella."

I smiled up at him, realizing how much taller he really was than me. Usually I was in at least a smallish heel around him, if not something moderately tall. The top of my head probably barely reached his chin, though. I shook my head, clearing the thoughts that could quickly move to bad places.

Edward and I were ushered in quickly. It wasn't really typical practice for the next week's host to come by the week before, but I thought it might help Edward get in the right frame of mind.

There were a few shouts from audience members that recognized him as he walked in. He gave them a smile and a small wave before sitting in his seat.

I sat on the aisle seat beside him. We weren't in what I assumed was regular, guest seating in the stands. There were a couple smaller aisles right up front where they seated us.

The show was good. Funny, even. And I probably would have actually enjoyed it had I not spent the last two hours thinking about Edward's knee touching mine.

I stood nearly the moment we were allowed, attempting to hide the way my racing heart left me panting. Thankfully, someone came up to Edward immediately.

"Mr. Cullen, we're happy to have you here," the man said. I recognized him as the head writer of the show, Adam… something. My brain was still too fuzzy from sitting next to Edward for so long.

"Thanks for having me," Edward said, shaking his hand. "This is my publicist, Isabella Swan."

Adam smiled at me, shaking my hand as well. "Here to keep him out of trouble, I'm sure."

"Try to, at least," I added with a smile.

"There are a few people who'd like to meet you, if you have the time?" Adam asked.

Edward nodded and we followed him through tiny, bustling halls. I felt my phone ring in my bag as Adam showed Edward to a room with Writers written outside.

"I'll wait out here," I told him, holding up my phone. I also knew from experience writers weren't the biggest fans of publicists.

I stood against the wall, hopefully out of anyone's way, and answered my phone after I saw Rosalie's picture on the screen.

"Hey," I sighed.

"How's it going?" she asked, excitement dripping in her voice.

"Good. Hectic, but good."

"Your room looks gorgeous. And that bathroom? Ugh."

I laughed, because those were nearly identical to my thoughts earlier. "Right?"

"Did you meet Bryan Drake? From that boy band?"

I rolled my eyes to myself. "No. I couldn't even pick that one out of a crowd if I tried."

The musical guest for the show had been some popular boy band. I knew my fair share about popular culture, because it was kind of my job, and I had heard of the band before. But they all looked identical to me. Same swoosh hair and ordinary voice. They were one in a dozen in Los Angeles.

"Maybe he can be your date!" Rose shouted, all too excited.

"Are you drunk?"

"No," she answered defensively. "I'm just glad you want to date now, and he's hot. And you're both probably in the same vicinity right now. And – "

"Yes, Bella, she's drunk," Emmett's voice boomed in my ear.

"I should go," I laughed, enjoying Rosalie's pouting over the phone.

I peeked my head in the door and saw Edward talking and laughing with a few people. Then, when I turned back around, there was a man standing in front of me. He was young, with that awful swoosh hair… Oh.

"Hey," he said softly. "I'm Bryan."

What are the fucking odds? My inner voice cursed. Rosalie would be having a field day if she were still on the phone.

He was attractive, I supposed. And I was pretty sure he was around twenty, maybe twenty-one.

"Uh, Bella," I answered, holding out my hand for him. He had a surprisingly firm handshake.

"Do you work on the show?"

"Oh, no. I'm Edward Cullen's publicist. He's hosting next week."

"Ah, makes sense. I would have remembered seeing you around here this week."

Was he flirting with me? I wasn't sure. I was pretty confident no one had ever really flirted with me before.

I nodded, dropping my phone back in my purse just for something to do with myself.

"So, you're in town for the next week, then?"

"Um, yes."

"Me too," he said with a smile. "Maybe I can call you sometime, see if you're free?"

My instinct told me to say no. Obviously when I told Rose I wanted to date I didn't mean this random guy who probably had a mass of young girls pining after him. But, maybe it was a good first step. Getting out of my comfort zone.

I did my best to smile sweetly at him and pull out one of my business cards from my purse. "Sure."

"Are you ready to go?" Edward voice was harsh and surprisingly close. His hand landed on my back, butterflies immediately going every which way.

"Yeah," I sighed, trying to keep my head clear. "It was nice to meet you, Bryan."

"You too, Bella," he answered. I saw his eyes dart up to Edward, and he looked like he was going to say something, but instead backed away and finished his trek down the hall.

Edward's hand dropped from my back once he was gone, and our trip home wasn't nearly as enjoyable as the walk down had been. It was late, or early, so we hopped in a waiting car to drive us back to the hotel.

I kept to my side of the car and Edward kept to his. There were no more comforting conversations or playful jokes. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Edward's hands in fists, one in his lap and the other by his mouth as his elbow rested on the car armrest.

I wasn't sure what his sudden bad mood was about, but I knew it shouldn't make me as sad as it did. Maybe it would make the elevator ride up to our floor more bearable, though.

The elevator was somehow worse, our silence not as peaceful as the ride down and the tension heavier than before. I sighed as I walked out after Edward, who was making quick work getting to his door. Then, just as I was about to walk past him, he spoke.

"Do you know how fucking unfair this is?" he grunted, turning to face me, his door swinging open but not making a move to go in.

"How unfair what is?" I asked with a confused frown.

"This, Bella," he groaned, motioning between us. "Having to listen to that little punk ask you out without a second thought when…" He shook his head and didn't finish, even though I was dying for him to.

Edward tugged at his hair, a deep scowl on his face. Then he was in front of me, walking me backwards until my back hit the wall. Our bodies didn't touch, but I could feel his body heat and his breath against my ear as he leaned down.

"You're so fucking beautiful it hurts," he moaned, almost painfully, into my ear.

My head was spinning. My butterflies crazed in my stomach, though I wasn't sure if it was out of panic or excitement. Nothing he said made any sense, but it also kind of felt like all of the pieces of the puzzle were falling into place. But it was like a jigsaw of a hundred different puzzles, so the picture was a complete mess.

He stared down at me and I knew I had lost the battle. I would lose a lot of things after tonight, but the green eyes and crooked smiles and conversations where he believed me were all worth it.

Edward had his eyes squeezed closed, but his entire body hovering over mine. His arms were braced on the wall behind me, though I could easily walk away if I wanted. And I understood the so beautiful it hurts sentiment completely.

I stretched up on my toes slowly and pressed my lips to his as firmly as I dared, which wasn't all that firm at all. It was enough to know his lips were as soft as they were in my dreams, though.

It led to a pained groan coming from the back of Edward's throat. His hands were firm on my hips, then twirling me around and pushing me backwards until I was in his room.

The door slammed shut with a loud bang and then my back was against it. I didn't really have time to process anything other than Edward hovering over me again. This time, he didn't keep himself a safe distance away. I was pressed between the hard door and his warm body, could feel every inch of himself against me.

"Bella," he sighed, a hand coming up and cupping my cheek. His eyes were wide and bright, hopeful and maybe a little scared. The hand on my cheek snuck around to grasp the back of my head before his lips landed on mine again.

His kiss was the opposite of mine. Where I was soft and scared, he was firm and fearless. He had no shame, tugging on my bottom lip or biting down until I whimpered. There was no hesitation when his tongue met mine or when his hands squeezed my waist, pulling me impossibly closer.

My breath left me in a gasp when, a few minutes into the mind-numbingly perfect kiss, his hips pressed himself firmly against my lower abdomen. A few times he rubbed himself against me and it was as intimidating as it was arousing.

Up until ten minutes ago, my only romantic history had been an awkward five second kiss with Jacob Black. Now, I was left panting while Edward nibbled at my neck, his fingers dancing with the hem of my dress.

The movement was quick, his hands wrapped around my thighs and suddenly my legs were around his waist. I steadied myself with my hands on his shoulders, my head falling back when his lips pressed kisses into the exposed skin of my chest.

I tossed my clutch behind him, hoping it landed safely somewhere but not really caring either. He started walking then, at the same time his hands slid up my thighs, underneath my dress, to get a firm grip on my ass as he went.

I squeezed my eyes shut, burying my hands in his hair and vaguely congratulating myself for being right about how soft it was. Pulling his lips back to mine, it felt like my butterflies had finally exploded free from my chest and I wanted to cry in relief.

It took me a moment to orient myself when Edward tossed me in the middle of a soft, fluffy bed. I watched, panting, as he hastily unbuttoned his shirt and tossed it aside. His eyes not bothering to hide the way they trailed over my body. So, I let myself do the same. My fingers itched to run along his chest and appreciate every toned muscle I could see.

It was when he was on me then, his hips situated perfectly between my legs and his tongue doing wonderful things to my neck that everything became very real.

"I've never had sex," I gasped, cringing slightly at my own words.

Edward froze, his head rising slowly from its spot in the crook of my neck. His eyes were probably as wide as mine, and his breath coming out just as fast.

"I just, um, thought you should know," I mumbled, embarrassed at the way his eyes studied me.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked, his voice rough and with a hint of sadness.

"No," I gasped quickly, burying one hand in the hair at his neck and trailing the other down his gloriously bare back. His skin was warm and soft and made my head fuzzy just thinking about it. I pressed my lips to his, harder than my first attempt, and got a rewarding groan out of it. "No."

My wandering hands eventually ended up at his waist and before I could talk myself out of it I let one of my hands rub against him. His length. Cock. Whatever the correct, least-cringy word for it was.

I got another wonderful groan out of the movement. It was a sound I wanted to get to hear as many times as I could.

Edward lifted his head just a few inches away from mine. A new smirk on his face, crooked and conniving. His eyes were bright and excited, maybe more so than even a minute ago. "Oh, baby. You have no idea," he whispered against my cheek. With a gentle hand he turned my chin up, pressing kisses down my throat to where my neck met my collarbone.

"No idea how good I can make you feel," he added right before his teeth sank into my neck.

My answering moan was probably more of a high-pitched whine. The action made my entire body tense, including the hand still on Edward's length. He must have liked the pressure, though, because he pressed himself further into my hand as a result.

His body was gone a moment later, and he pulled me by my legs down to the edge of the bed. My legs dangled over the edge and he stood right in front of me. It gave me a wonderful view of his sculpted chest I had wanted to explore earlier.

With tentative hands, I ran them along his pecs and down to the defined abs I had no idea were hiding under his suits each night.

"You'll have your turn to explore," Edward said softly, grabbing ahold of both my hands and placing a soft kiss on each of my wrists. "Tonight, is my turn."

He pulled me to my feet just long enough to get my dress over my head and across the room on the floor. Edward took a step back, warm hands on my waist, and let his eyes drift slowly up and down my body.

I could list about a hundred things I disliked about my body on a daily basis. But right then, standing in front of Edward in nothing more than a pair of black lace panties, that list was nowhere to be found.

He groaned, again it was almost a pained sound, and tightened his hands around my waist. "Fucking breathtaking."

Edward eased me back down on the bed, and I scooted back until my head hit a fluffy pillow. He tossed something on the bed beside me, I didn't bother getting distracted by it because he was on top of me again a moment later.

The skin to skin contact was heavenly. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, hands freely roaming the expanse of his muscles along his back even though it wasn't 'my turn' yet.

His left hand came up to cup my cheek as he looked down at me. As much as I hated the distraction, the cool band around his ring finger felt like it was burning into my skin.

I pulled away from his kiss and grabbed his hand. Barely resisting the urge to toss the ring across the room, I let it clatter to the bedside table instead.

Edward's lips landed back on mine with more fervor, taking all of my conscious thought with it. I vaguely felt his hands in my hair, pulling the tie out of it that held my hair back all night. His hands were soft and gentle as they ran down my neck and across my collarbone, drawing random patterns in my skin with his fingers until his palm firmly cupped my breast.

I gasped into his kiss, squeezing my eyes shut when he pinched my nipple gently between two fingers. I whimpered when his lips disappeared from mine, but a moment later they were peppering kisses around my other breasts. Tormenting me for God only knows how long until his lips wrapped around my nipple.

"God, your skin tastes good," he groaned quietly, soft enough I wasn't sure if I was supposed to hear it. His lips and tongue explored every inch of my chest they could from the swell of each breast to the valley between them. Every squeeze, lick, bite, it was all exquisite torture. I was simultaneously frustrated and thrilled when he abandoned his ministrations and moved further down my abdomen.

"Oh, butterflies, butterflies, butterflies," I mumbled to myself. They were oh, so happy to finally be up close and personal with Edward as he covered my abdomen in kisses and licks and the occasional bite.

My eyes followed his messy head of copper hair as he made his way down my body. His head popped up and his eyes met mine just as he nipped at the skin right below my navel. Soft hands pulled the lace around my hips down my legs, quickly flicking my flats off of my feet as they went.

As his hands trailed back up my legs, kisses following closely behind, I tensed. It didn't matter how many times I woke up from dreams of this exact scenario. It was still foreign and confusing and a little daunting.

"Hey," Edward coaxed softly. He was back at eye level with me, shimmery jade eyes looking at me with concern. "No more thinking," he said, pressing a kiss to my cheek. "No more worrying." Another kiss to my other cheek. "I've got you. Okay?" Another kiss to my nose.

No more thinking. No more worrying. Both things I tended to overdo.

"Okay," I nodded, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in for a kiss. His lips were warm and swollen and delicious.

Edward used my distraction to his advantage, pressing his tongue firmly against mine at the same moment one of his hands drifted between my legs.

I gasped into his kiss, but it quickly turned into a moan when his thumb pressed firmly into my clitoris.

No more thinking. No more worrying.

I buried my head in Edward's shoulder, gasping quietly against him when one of his fingers slid easily inside me.

Edward's finger moved slowly in and out and I could feel him smirk against my neck. "I've been thinking about what you would taste like for weeks," he groaned, biting at my earlobe before making the same trail down my body he did minutes earlier. He was quicker this time, and I no longer tensed when he settled between my legs.

I let out a frustrated sigh when his finger disappeared so his arms could wrap around my thighs. A shot of embarrassment went through me as he spread my legs but it disappeared quickly when he pressed a gentle kiss to my center.

My deep moan at the movement must have been all of the encouragement he needed. His hands tightened around my legs and his tongue did wonderfully toe-curling things to me.

When I moaned his name, he cursed against me. His eyes stared up at me from between my legs and all embarrassment was a distant memory. All I cared about were dark eyes and soft tongues and deep fingers that made my mind go blank.

My hands buried themselves in his hair on their own accord, my eyes rolling back into my head. A brilliant pressure was building throughout my body. More intense and all-consuming than anything I had ever felt.

"Edward," I moaned, hands gripping his hair tight. I saw a flash of his eyes coming back up to look at me before the pressure snapped. My back arched and my eyes squeezed shut, sounds I didn't even know I could make filling the room.

I was left shivering on the bed a few minutes later, Edward standing at the foot of it and staring over me. The click of his belt coming undone made my stomach tense. I swallowed thickly as his slacks and boxer briefs were discarded quickly.

Obviously, I had never seen a man naked in person. Rarely saw them in any other form, either, so I didn't really have any kind of way to judge Edward and his size, other than that I was quite small and he… was not.

"I don't really know anything other than the, uh, mechanics of it all but I don't really think that's going to fit," I babbled, even when my butterflies fluttered around in excitement watching Edward wrap a firm fist around himself, eyes never leaving me as he touched himself.

He smirked at me, that crooked one that I didn't see often but loved. He reached beside me, for the forgotten object he tossed on the bed earlier.

I watched, fascinated by his every move, as he tore open a foil packed and rolled the condom on himself.

He was on top of me again, completely skin to skin. His hands roamed for a minute and his lips pressed soft kisses to mine. "Fuck, you're beautiful," he told me, forehead pressed against mine.

As apprehensive as I was about the whole thing, those were normal nerves. The kind of nerves that came with knowing pain was imminent. I was no longer nervous to lean up and press my lips firmly to his, even with the taste of myself still on his lips. I had no qualms about running my fingers through his hair or down his back.

My butterflies were happily floating around, still high from my orgasm.

Edward adjusted himself, his fingers back inside me and his cock resting heavily against my thigh. "Are you sure?" he grunted, though I was past the point of no return.

For every ounce of nervous energy running through me there was an equal amount of excitement and need and desire. I nodded, smiling softly up at him and his crazy hair and wild eyes and swollen lips.

His fingers were replaced by the head of his cock and even with my internal pep talk I still tensed up. "You've got to relax, baby," he sighed, squeezing my hip gently. "Or it won't fit."

I chuckled at him throwing my own words back at me but it was quickly lost in a passionate kiss. The kind that made me forget my own name and that I should have been nervous. My breath started coming more quickly with every new inch of him inside me.

I let out a cry after a quick thrust of his hips. He stilled, kisses peppered all over my face. I couldn't decide whether to focus on the slightly uncomfortable way my body stretched around him or the still-sharp sting of pain or the whispered apology in my ear.

"I'm okay," I whispered after a few minutes of adjusting.

Another distracting kiss was pressed to my lips as he pressed himself further inside of me until his hips were flush against mine. It was odd and foreign but kind of amazing because I got to watch Edward's eyes squeeze shut and pleasure flash across his face.

"I'm good," I muttered, pressing kisses to his tense jaw. He was holding back for me, which I appreciated, but I also knew his actions from earlier were to give me my release before the pain and discomfort.

"Fuck, Bella," he groaned, burying his head in my shoulder as he began to move. His groans and grunts and curses made me feel immensely proud that I caused them. With every one of his thrusts my body got more used to him and I relaxed against the bed.

His hips started a new, disjointed rhythm and Edward pressed a sloppy kiss to my lips as he seemed to grunt out his release.

After a few minutes of us both catching our breath Edward rolled to the side. I was exhausted now, physically and mentally, and my eyelids were getting too heavy to stay open. I mumbled an objection when I felt Edward get up from the bed. He was back a moment later and situated us underneath the warm comforter.

"You okay?" he asked quietly, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.

The best I could manage was a nod before my eyes closed.

A/N: ;)

Updates next week will be Tuesday/Friday again thanks to a bout of food poisoning putting me way behind schedule. See you then!