A/N: This is a pretty emotional chapter. I needed tissues, you might too.

Journey to the Past

Mac exclaims, "Harm! Why are you wasting perfectly good cheesecake?"

Harm raises his eyebrows clear to his hairline as he scoffs, "Me? I'm not the one who made me drop the plate, that was entirely your fault!"

Batting her eyelashes at him innocently, she replies, "My fault? I didn't touch your plate, or the hand holding the plate. Therefore, I don't see how I am responsible for your mishap at all."

Harm points his index finger at her, chuckling, "It was your words, missy, not your actions. Don't even try to play coy with me. You might be able to use that innocent act on the members in court, but I know your devious ways all too well."

Mac smiles, "Really?"

Harm answers, "Yes, really. I've gone up against you in court enough times to know your playbook inside and out."

Mac teases, "Ha! That may have been true ten years ago, but I've obviously picked up some new skills since you saw me last."

Harm shakes his head, "Nah. I'm not buying it. I still think I could take you."

Mac smiles, "Ok we'll use your scenario for a second. So, you think I haven't learned anything new, and you are perfectly capable of anticipating what I am going to do?"

Harm nods his head in the affirmative, knowing that she is setting him up somehow, but he can't figure out where her logic is going yet.

Mac giggles as she sees the wheels turning in his head by the way he is knitting his brow. She asks, "Then why did you drop the plate at what I said?"

Harm opens and closes his mouth a few times, like a gaping fish, and Mac just stares at him pointedly knowing that she got him.

Harm grins, "And one thing that definitely hasn't changed in ten years is you still don't play fair!"

Mac outright laughs at him, "I can't help the fact that you are still clueless when it comes to the wiles of women."

Harm balks, "I am not!"

Mac laughs, "Oh yes you are! You flirt without even knowing it, and when a woman is interested in you, you are Captain Oblivious unless she spells it out for you!"

Harm disagrees, "I know when a woman is interested. It's just most of the time, I'm not interested in them."

Mac sighs, "I'll give you a perfect example. Do you remember the bar when Sturgis and Bobbi were trying to set up the Admiral with that architect?"

Harm nods. "That woman was all wrong for AJ. She was too young and just totally not his type."

Mac continues, "And who left with her business card?"

Harm swallows hard before muttering, "Umm, me."

Mac lifts her brow, "See my point?"

Harm replies, "No, that was just one little example. And I said, I wasn't interested."

Mac throws her arms in the air. She states, "Ok Flyboy, I'll spell the rest of it out for you, but you aren't allowed to object until I am done."

Harm isn't sure he wants to hear this, but he nods his approval nonetheless.

Mac tries to just lay out the facts unemotionally, "Diane was before we met, so I have no idea who pursued who. We weren't all that close during the Annie timeframe, so I won't pass judgement there either. With Bobbi Latham, she came onto you. When you first met Jordan, you invited me to dinner with you guys. I know now that your first date with Renee was only a celebration dinner for finishing the commercial, you guys didn't get any more serious until after I was with Mic. Catherine, you helped out because of her dying mother, and if you had been more yourself at the time, and not trying to find me, you probably would have dated her. Those examples don't even include the architect, the shrink that worked with Jordan, or countless other woman that you have met in bars over the years. I don't know if there are any more after that as we didn't keep in touch." She adds in almost a whisper, no longer able to keep the emotions out of it, "But most importantly, it doesn't include me."

Harm waits a few minutes before responding, haphazardly running his fingers through his hair. Partially because he is absorbing everything she has said, and mostly because he wants to make sure she is finished before he speaks his side. In most of her examples, he can't even offer a proper rebuttal because he knows that she is right. He states, "I'm ready to respond, but you can't interject until I finish as well."

Harm stands up to pace. He needs the movement to release the pent-up energy as he tries to explain, "Diane was different than any of the others, except you. Maybe it was because I was young, maybe it was because we were friends for a long time before we got romantically involved, or maybe it was because she's the only person other than you that I have ever really loved. I don't think that either one of us actually consciously pursued the other. It was like one day we were close friends, and the next we were romantically involved. But even then, we weren't exclusive with each other. Our locations and careers didn't allow for it, and we were young and carefree. She had her life, and I had mine. I know that you thought I saw her in you for the longest time, but you were wrong. It took me a long time to let go after she was murdered, but it wasn't necessarily her I was letting go of, it was more of wondering what might have been. The first time that you and I kissed, I felt the potential of what you and I could have and it scared me. My feelings for Diane couldn't hold a candle to that, but I couldn't act upon it then either."

Harm risks taking a quick glance at Mac's face before moving on to the next relationship. He finds that not only has she been hanging on every word, but that a lone tear has streaked down her face as well. He walks back over and sits next to her bed, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tear. He leans over and gently brushes his lips against hers, reaffirming his feelings for her.

He starts talking again, "I actually pursued Annie, but when I look back on it, I realized it was more out of a misguided sense of honor than anything else. I didn't want Josh to have to go through what I went through as a child. I stayed with her more for his benefit than anything else. You were right, she was neurotic. Even if she hadn't kicked me to the curb, which she had every right to do for my lying to her, we never would have worked. The only excuse I could offer for Bobbi, and a few others, would be that my libido was doing the thinking for me instead of my brain. Thankfully as my feelings for you grew, those fighter jock tendencies seemed to fade. Jordan came into my life at a time when I needed someone. I met her shortly after you had blindsided me with your previous marriage, and she helped me work through several issues regarding my father. Near the time I was ready to leave, I was more upset by your feelings when I decided to return to active flight status than I was about hers. That clued me in to the fact that I cared deeply for her, but not enough to set my own dreams and feelings aside and marry her. I knew I would have been settling."

He hears Mac muttering something under her breath. He asks, "What it is Mac?

She replies, "That's when Chloe realized I couldn't' marry her dad, because I was in love with you. Her words, not mine, but it made me wonder how close to the truth she was."

Harm smiles before teasing, "You aren't supposed to be interrupting."

Mac banters, "You asked what I was muttering, so I answered. I'll be quiet now. Please continue, you are about ready to explain the Barbie Doll years."

Harm stands back up to resume his pacing, he really doesn't even know how to describe his relationship with Renee. He inhales deeply before speaking, "Renee definitely chased after me. She annoyed the crap out of me at first, but once I got to know the person behind the mask, I liked her. She was entertaining, although she hated that I said that. She liked having someone flashy to show off to all of her producer friends. It always amazed me that at any event that I accompanied her to for her work the people were all about appearances and never about substance. It took me a long time to decipher whether she was with me because I fit into the mold of the 'arm candy' or because I actually had intelligence behind the looks. We definitely started out as a casual fling, and if I hadn't felt so out of place at JAG and with you, I don't think even that ever would have happened. I was hurt, and alone, and she was there at least as a distraction. While I did grow to care about her significantly, I never loved her, and deep down she knew that. Even she knew that my heart belonged somewhere else. She even asked me once if you were my dream girl. I, of course, side-stepped her questions and told her that you and I fought all the time, but she was right. Turning you away from my door the night that her father passed away was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. My body was there to comfort her as I needed to be, but my heart walked right out the door."

Harm stops wearing the floor out, and stares out the window. He continues, "After you left, I spend quite a bit of time in solitude. People kept telling me to move on with my life and start over, but I didn't want to. Catherine was there for me quite a bit, more than anyone other than Jack. I honestly considered dating her, but that wouldn't have been fair to either of us. She was pregnant with someone else's kid which I would have happily stepped in to raise, but she knew where my heart was, and she didn't want to settle either. It's kind of funny, every woman I ever knew that had met you, could tell what my feelings were for you even before I could see it myself. I guess you were right, maybe I am clueless. Even the scarce few after you left could tell that there was a part of my soul that they would never reach. I may have been physically available but I was never emotionally available. Everyone I had ever really loved was gone from my life and I didn't want to put stock in someone else who would never measure up."

Mac can hear him choke out the last part, knowing that he is crying too, "I had already met my soul mate, and lost her."

Mac has tears streaming down her cheeks as well. Part of her wants to kick herself for opening this can of worms, but they are demons that need to be dealt with. She also isn't looking forward to when he turns the tables on her, and they will have to get through that as well. For now, all she can do is be there for him. She gasps, "Harm, come here."

Harm tries to dry off his face before turning around to look at her. He doesn't want her to see how much this journey to the past affected him, but he knows it is pointless. He walks back over to the bed, where Mac has scooted over to make room for him to get up there with her. He sits down gently, and she wraps her arms around him, and pulls him down to her chest, "I'm so sorry, Harm."

A/N 2: I didn't forget about Professor Montez. She came along after Paraguay, and Mac wasn't around for her. Parts of this chapter were inspired by a song of the same title. Lyrics include: "Heart don't fail me now. Courage don't desert me. Don't turn back now that were here. People always say life is full of choices, no one ever mentions fear.