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Chapter 12 – Son of a b…

"James be careful! Please." Remus sat back in his chair and laid a hand on top of Lily's.

"I think James is more in danger of getting hurt than Harry," Remus couldn't help but chuckle as he looked back at his friend playing with his son, who was currently dashing in and around the dining room on a very ickle broom chased by his rapidly out of breath father, "what was Sirius thinking? Buying a broom for such a young lad." Even as he uttered the rebuke, Harry gave the biggest, cutest giggle which ended with what would have been for an adult, a very undignified snort but which on Harry was just adorable. "Well, it does seem Harry likes it. Lily, stop fretting, he'll be fine. James won't let any harm come to him." Knowing this line would have more meaning to Lily than most, Remus gave her hand another squeeze.

"I'm scared Remus. I know it's silly and we just have to carry on and I do because I don't want Harry to notice anything is different, but I am, I'm scared, what if…" Lily looked away from Remus, unable to verbalise that thought.

Remus shifted closer on the sofa to a woman he loved so much, in his heart she was absolutely a sister, "Lily, we'll protect you. I'll protect you and Harry. I promise, I'll never let anyone hurt a hair on either of your heads." The earnest promise seemed to have done the trick for now, as Lily lent into Remus for a one armed hug. She looked up at him and smiled sadly.

"He who must not be named really is a SON OF A BANSHEE."

Remus jumped back at the sudden change in volume. "Never thought I'd hear you use such language Lil." Remus smiled at his normally placid friend.

"James! Please! I think that's enough now, he needs to calm down before bedti…"

"Oh for GREAT GODRICKS SAKE! THESE UNICORN TURD ROBES!"

Remus could feel the vivid images of Lily, James and baby Harry fading into the mist. He tried to ignore the sounds outside of his quarters and go back to that place, to a time when his friends were all still alive; but it was gone once more.

"DRAGON DUNG!"

Now fully awake, Remus could discern that the rather loud, angry profanity he could hear was in fact coming from Tonks, who by the sound of it, had fallen over in her robes. Now awake, he had to admit, she wasn't being all that loud, only that in the still of the night in a quiet castle, every noise seemed to echo and sound like an explosion.

He thought about putting his head out of his door to check she was okay, but he thought it would be politer to let her get settled before he barraged her with his questions… that and he was a bit scared of angry, probably tired, Tonks.

After about 10 minutes, Remus mustered up all of his courage and slipped onto the corridor outside his quarters and quietly walked next door to Tonk's room.

He stood outside motionless. What if they'd caught Sirius? Did he want to know?

Of course, he did. Catching Sirius would be a good thing – he deserved to be in Azkaban for the rest of his life. He was a danger to the public and, people kept telling him, Harry.

What if Sirius had been found and was being passed over to the Dementors for them to perform a kiss? Remus had been told so many times that Sirius had been the one to betray his friends, to betray him. That he'd killed muggles just to get rid of Peter – the only witness. Remus had seen the evidence in the weeks and months afterwards. He knew it was true.

And yet…

If Sirius had been caught and handed over to the Dementors, that wasn't something Remus wanted to know about.

Before he could retreat into his quarters, Remus wrapped his knuckles lightly on Tonk's door.

"Who is it?"

He heard her enquire. Her voice sounding tired and unsure.

"It's me. I mean Remus. It's me Remus." Remus hand balled into a fist which he bought to his mouth, chewing on the knuckle of his index finger. He was just an idiot. The wait seemed to last an eternity, while Tonks neither answered or seemed to move.

"Come in."

Remus heard the lock to Tonk's door click open and he took a slow deep, steadying breath before pushing open the door and heading inside.

Tonks was curled up on a sofa in front of the fire, legs underneath her, a blanket draped over her legs. She seemed to have been watching an old muggle TV, which now seemed to have been paused – by magic Remus assumed.

"Hi." Remus whispered feebly. He hadn't meant to whisper, but his voice had betrayed him at the last second.

"Hey." Tonks replied, only a fraction louder.

Remus motioned to an old armchair next to the sofa and Tonks nodded. He settled in to the chair and cleared his throat a few times, wondering how to offer an apology for his abrupt end to their blossoming friendship without explaining. Always the coward – he had barely looked at Tonks and when he did look up, the words spilled out of his mouth without his consent. "Your hair is different."

Tonks looked immediately self-conscience, running her fingers through her hair and shrugging. Quietly she mumbled, "Oh yeah sorry, I wasn't really expecting visitors, I know it isn't a great colour on me."

Remus whole heartedly disagreed. It was a wonderful colour on her. If only he had the courage to tell her so…

"I think it looks lovely." Remus smiled. It wasn't a heroic statement but it was more courageous than usual for Remus.

Tonks seemed for a fraction of a second to blush, before her cheeks appeared perfectly porcelain in colour seconds later, "Thank you."

Remus didn't mean to sit and stare, he really didn't, but Tonks looked so different, so natural, so – Tonks like. "Er, anyway, I just wanted you to know that I realise tonight must have been tough and I thought I'd pop in and offer to make you a cup of tea." With that Remus stood and began looking for Tonk's kettle which he found along with two chipped tea cups.

As Remus set the kettle boiling, Tonks sat quietly, so quietly that the sound of her voice a few minutes later actually made Remus jump slightly, "Why?"

More silence…

"Why now? Why the friendly neighbour, make sure you're okay, cup of tea nonsense now? Why not last month or last week? Why today?" Tonk didn't sound mad but there was something accusatory in her voice.

Remus fumbled over his reply – "I… sorry, well I just, can't. I'm not….Sorry." Remus ran his fingers through his hair and sat on the edge of the sofa next to Tonks. "I am. Really. Sorry. I'm not used to having friends, I mean to getting close to any friends, to be close with…" Remus sighed heavily – "I lost a lot of friends in the great war Tonks, almost everyone I cared about either died or was lost for ever in other inconceivable ways. I suppose, over the past 13 years, I've become quite adept at putting up a wall, never allowing myself to truly be friends with anyone, until you. I could feel us becoming fast friends and I just couldn't allow myself to do that to you – or to me. I'm sorry."

Tonk's face had softened and she was leaning forward, after what looked like a moment's hesitation, she leant over a picked-up Remus' hand and pulled it into her own lap, holding it on top of her tartan blanket.

"I can't say I wasn't confused, maybe even a little hurt, but oh Remus – I can't even imagine what it was like, how hard it must have been."

Remus could see he was forgiven – even though he didn't deserve to be. Oh how he wanted to tell her the whole terrible story.

He couldn't.

After a moment, Tonks patted Remus' hand. "So, I believe you barged in here, promising me a cup of tea." The beaming smile Tonks gave Remus was more than he deserved and honestly, it took his breath away just a little.