A/N: Slippy snowy walks with an injured Remus and a clumsy auror anyone? What could possibly go wrong? :) Reviews appreciated!

17. I don't want to let you go

Crunch crunch. Crunch.

Tonks took slow and tentative steps.

As far as the eye could see, the world in front of her glistened and glittered. Flurries of pure white whirled around her face as she ever so slowly continued her journey. Mundane objects now looked as though masterful artists had created them. The bench she passed, a gate, a hedge, all glittered in the moonlight.

Hogwarts in the snow – it was nature's own magic. Tonks loved it. She'd never seen anything as beautiful.

However, no amount of auror training or magic could save Tonks, who found walking on solid, non-slip floors, without falling, a challenge – from falling flat on her backside.

"Humph! Dragon Dung! Ewww wet wet wet."

Remus was trying really hard not to laugh, an angry Tonks, he was man enough to admit, was still something he was quite scared of! But she looked so adorable sitting with her legs splayed out in front of her, her arms throwing up snow in frustration whilst complaining.

"I can hear your attempts to muffle your laughter Lupin. Get your arse over here and help me up or I swear I'll stupefy you right into that field."

Remus reached Tonks' side and offered her an arm. It was slippy under foot, but although his shoes looked worn and were one of only two pairs he had owned for the past decade, they had a fantastic grip and so far, had never let him down. Although he felt that being around Nymphadora would put them to the ultimate test.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Tonks was still sat on the floor, knowing she was surrounded by ice and snow, she knew any attempts to get up unaided were likely to result in her back in a similar position to the one she currently found herself in. However, Remus was still recovering – from what he still, frustratingly hadn't told her – but it was clear that he wasn't quite back to full strength yet.

She had been unsure when he had knocked on her door after almost two weeks of not speaking to him or evening seeing him around the Castle. She had wanted to be distant and cold and not allow them to become as close as they had been before, but as the light from the corridor had flooded into her living quarters and she'd seen just how poorly he truly looked, all thoughts of distancing herself from Remus Lupin evaporated. She had ushered him in and onto her sofa and the pair had picked up as though the last two weeks had not existed. Except now, Remus grimaced every time he moved, coughed, or laughed.

Frustratingly every plea from Tonks to find out what had happened was nonchalantly batted away by Remus with a, "It's just a nasty bout of some virus or other, I'm perfectly well restored Nymphadora."

She knew the use of her first name was a distraction tactic, but she allowed him to believe she had fallen for it. He clearly did not want to talk to her about whatever was afflicting him. Probably just down to male pride.

Still she had suggested that they get out of the castle and head into Hogsmeade for a drink and some fresh air, sure it would do the Professor the world of good. Now as she sat on the cold, wet ground, her conviction to her prescribed course of action was thinning fast.

"Tonks, I never have, nor do I intend to allow myself in the future, to be so ill that I cannot help a maiden when in trouble."

Tonks frowned and then chuckled, "I can't decide if that comment was incredibly chauvinistic or chivalrous."

Remus opened his mouth to reply but instead felt the sharp sting of cold snow hitting his chin. Looking down, he saw Tonks grinning at him, looking even more toddler like.

"I decided it was both. I am on the floor and I do require help getting up – I can't deny it. Especially as the snow has worked its way through several levels of clothes now – however me being a maiden has no discernible relation to me being on the floor. I'm clumsy cause I'm me. I'm not clumsy cause I'm a woman."

Remus couldn't help but smile. She was most certainly a woman, and she was absolutely wonderful. He'd been allowed to wallow in his head for so many years, he'd had no one to challenge him, to encourage him to move with the times. He knew Tonks was completely aware he meant no harm by his statement, but she was equally completely right to call him out on it. He used to do the same with Sirius and James. Before…The thought of Sirius wiped the smile from Remus' face. A familiar darkness was descending, threatening to wipe out all the joy he was currently feeling, rip away his ability to just be in the moment and enjoy it. It was almost like tunnel vision as colour began to drain from the world around him, taking with it his happiness.

"Oy, I mean, I would still like help up though. I'm an independent woman but I'm not an idiot. I know when to admit I need help and I really need help. Pleeeeeease Remus."

The dimming of the world halted. All around him had gone dark except for where Tonks sat on the ground. Her smile seemed to radiate warmth, restoring light back to everything else he could see. He couldn't help but smile at her, the aching pain he felt about Sirius, James, his lovely Lily and Peter all shrivelling back into the box he kept them safely locked away in so he couldn't be hurt by memories of them. Remus stepped towards Tonks and reached down so she could grab his shoulder, he stuck his walking cane into the ground as hard as he could so he could use it to lean on.

After a minute of testing the ground beneath her feet before placing all her weight there, Tonks finally pulled herself up using Remus. Almost stood straight, the pair began to relax until Tonks supporting leg slipped on an unseen bit of ice, though it didn't topple her, she threw her other arm around Remus instinctively, wanting anything but to end up back on the floor.

For a moment neither spoke. Remus' left arm was tight around Tonks' waist, his other leaning onto his walking cane, Tonks' arms were both around Remus' neck.

"Hi." She spoke first. Soft and breathy. Not a tone he'd heard from Tonks before.

"Hey" was all he could think of to say. She was so close to him. He wanted to kiss her. To launch his cane as far from him as possible and with it, all reminders of his affliction and pull her into a kiss she wouldn't forget. Instead he leaned his forehead against hers, their noses touching.

"Are you okay?" He asked in the same breathy, soft tone Tonks had used.

"I am now. I'm a little scared to move in case I fall and take you down with me. I don't want to injury you anymore than I probably already have."

Remus tightened his grip around Tonks' waist. "I won't let you fall…We could just stay here."

Tonks eyes fluttered shut and she lowered her head into his neck. "That would be nice. To stay in your arms."

Remus could feel his face flushing and knew it was nothing to do with the icy temperature - the warming charm he'd performed before leaving the toasty warm castle was still working, but right now, he was sure he didn't need any magic to help him feel warm.

"Tonks I…I don't want to let you go." He meant it but he hadn't meant to say it out loud. "I mean this is nice, you're nice, but we should, it's cold and I'm sure you're cold and…"

What was he doing? He was old, poor and dangerous and she only knew about two of those things. He should never have allowed it to go this far. They had been getting too close, too familiar with each other. He had even told her she was perfect and extraordinary one day after a class about the Witching Hour poem. Their friendship had continued to deepen until two weeks ago when the effects of waxing moon had bought him to his senses. He knew then he had to be cold, distant, pull away for her sake. He had intended to stay that way after the moon had waned but as well as being a monster, he was weak. He had missed her. Missed her smile, her company, and her eyes.

He had used the pretence of needing to speak to her about Harry. Checking what she thought about him, giving Harry patronus lessons after the holidays, but he would have taken any opportunity to speak to her, see her, feel her touch.

He loosened his grip on her waist, he certainly was not going to let her fall, but he needed some distance. He knew if she kissed him he'd never be able to go back. She deserved to know the whole truth, that he would be a danger to her as he was to anyone who got close to him.

Tonks wanted desperately to kiss him. To end this charade of 'fast friends' that they'd built up over the past few months. What scared her was he seemed to want this too. She couldn't allow that. Not yet. Not until he knew everything. He had a right to know. She had wrestled with herself for a long time as to whether she should put Remus' name on her report after the Quidditch match. In the end though, she knew there was no debate. He was there. Her report had to be accurate. She felt as though she had betrayed him.

Remus was old fashioned and for all her ribbing it was something she found endearing because he wasn't old fashioned in a derogatory way, she'd never seen Remus respond to anyone without showing respect, manors and decorum, even when Remus was dealing with Snape! Still, she didn't know enough to be sure. Would he, not only accept her as a metamorphagus and be able to love that part of her, which she sometimes struggled to accept and love herself, but also trust her again. He was a person of interest in the case of Sirius Black and it was all her fault. She didn't want to pull away, but she knew she couldn't kiss him until he knew everything.

Remus did not want to pull away and for them both to fall, neither did he want to be a monster who allowed someone to kiss him when they didn't know they were kissing a monster. He knew Tonks was different, he'd even in the past few weeks started to feel certain that she'd still accept him. Maybe even, be open to being his friend once he finally plucked up the courage to tell her his secret, but he knew that no one would ever be able to love that part of him that he would never be able to love himself.

Tonks moved her head and looked at him straight in the eyes. He knew he needed to do something, to stop this before it could go any further.

Tonks knew she couldn't stand here, in his arms staring into his eyes for much longer. One of them was going to lean in and she couldn't stand the idea of rejecting him when she so wanted to be curled in his arms forever. Without thinking she spoke into the silence that had developed between them.

"Remus…"

Remus smiled, her voice in the stillness was like a symphony.

"Hmmm?"

"Can we go inside now? It's just the snow really did get through several layers and I've got an awfully wet bum." She was nothing if not an effective mood killer. She felt Remus chuckle as he pulled her out of the icy patch which had been her downfall and back onto more compacted snow.

Once Tonks was steady on her own two feet the pair parted. Both immediately feeling bereft. Remus felt so cold. He couldn't tell if his warming charm had worn off or if he was just missing the sensation of having Tonks near.

After a few tentative steps, Remus felt an arm slip through his, his hands deep in his pockets to keep them from the icy wind, allowed Tonks to hold his upper arm perfectly.

"You don't mind do you?" Tonks smiled up at him.

Remus tried to capture that look. He was sure that if he ever felt the darkness creeping in again, if his past began to suffocate him, he just knew that remembering this moment, that face, so beautiful and pure could bring enough light and happiness to him to overcome any darkness his mind could throw at him.

"It would be my honour to escort you back to the castle Ms Tonks."

Tonks snorted, it sounded in such dissonance to the soft husky voice she'd had much of this evening and yet it was so perfectly Tonks.

"I'm not heading back to the Castle after all this hard work. We're making it to the three broomsticks if I have to carry you there."

Now it was Remus' turn to snort. "I'd like to see you try."

Without a beat, Tonks turned to Remus and swept him of his feet, carrying him firefighter style, as though he weighed no more than a feather. Remus was caught completely off guard.

"Tonks! Put me down! How on earth are you carrying me!"

"Auror training, we're made to carry cargo three times the size of our own body weight in case we can't use magic and ever have to carry a colleague out of a danger zone. I'm not sure walking from Hogwarts to the Three Broom Sticks was ever what the training was designed for…"

Remus couldn't help but beam. Carrying him certainly wasn't slowing Tonks down, the snow was doing that all on its own.

"I think I better put you down before we both fa…..

DRAGON TURD!"

The pair landed on the floor in a thud. Arms and legs flailed on the cold, snowy ground.

Remus couldn't stop laughing.

"Remus."

"Yes Tonks."

"Now my bum is really really wet. Let's head back to the castle and drink that firewhisky I know you've got hiding in your desk drawer."

Remus quickly pulled Tonks up so as not to repeat their earlier near miss. "Deal! Let's go."