AN - Just a reminder that this story is AU - I've currently got two possible endings - I'm trying to decide just how AU I want it to go :) Also I'm debating whether to finish this story at the end of POA or carry on into OotP. Let me know your thoughts. I realised that I've been posting this story for four years - to those of you still reading - thank you! We are nearing the end now... To the inevitable:

Chapter 23 – 'I'm not who you think I am Tonks'

As the flames from the floo tickled at her ankles, Tonks allowed the anger she had felt towards Remus to loosen its grip on her mind, as though it was melting. As she swirled and whooshed through the air, a complex mix of emotions took up residence in her heart. She was confused, sad, hurt and miffed, but also hopeful. For the first time in weeks, a glimmer of hope was pushing its way through. Remus Lupin had a good reason for every single thought, word and deed; surely there was one for why he had asked her to be removed from his interview. An interview that she had every right to be part of. An interview under caution – where his dismissal request would have been officially noted. As if she wasn't messing up this assignment enough already. She noted, with an ounce of chagrin that it was possible a lot of the anger she'd been feeling towards Remus was misdirected. She was actually angry at herself.

As she dredged through the remnants of snow that the warm winter sun had turned to sludge, she willed herself to move faster, eager to get back to the Castle and seek Remus out as soon as she could, hoping he'd be easy to find. She need not have worried. As she approached the door to her living quarters, she saw him hovering by her door, an envelope in his hand, which he seemed transfixed by.

"Remus?" She spoke gently, unsure now he was here before her, exactly what she wanted to say. Remus swirled on the spot, "Tonks! I was just leaving you a note. How are you? I'm sorry. I wanted to explain but I didn't want to keep cornering you, so I thought a note… it seems cowardly now."

Tonks' lips pulled into a straight line, a kind of half-smile that she hoped would convey that everything wasn't OK between them yet, but that she was at last, ready to hear him out.

He stepped aside allowing her to open her door and enter her living room. She unwrapped herself from her winter layers, laying them haphazardly over her desk chair. She turned to ask Remus if he wanted some water – she wasn't yet ready to offer him tea- to find he was still stood in the doorway, looking unsure as to whether he was allowed inside.

"Well I'm not having this discussion in the hallway," she threw over her shoulder as she walked away to fetch two glasses, "you better come in and sit down." Remus sat in the armchair and gratefully accepted the water she offered. It seemed strange to Tonks to see him sat in that chair. It was the only armchair in her living room, it was next to the fire facing her sofa, and was not where Remus usual sat. He usually sat next to her on the sofa. Though she could understand why for now he'd decided to keep his distance. She had been avoiding him for weeks.

"Tonks, I just want to say again how sorry I am. I know I behaved badly and if you'd allow me..."

Tonks interrupted Remus as a thought entered her head that she didn't really mean to say out loud, "What's in the note?"

Remus looked at the envelope he still held in his hand. In truth what was in the note was everything.

Everything he had ever wanted to tell her, all the sordid details he so nearly spilled during their evenings together. Since that horrid night weeks ago, he'd come closer than ever before. Deciding more than once to come clean – On one occasion he'd even made it as far as her door, waking in the early hours of the morning with a determination to tell her his dirty little secret and hope beyond all hope that she could still be his friend. He had thrown on his robe and found himself staring at her door, his hand raised, ready to knock. Of course, he had chickened out, his head resting against the door he had stood there for a few minutes willing her to somehow sense his presence and come to the door, throw her arms around him and tell him all was forgotten.

Now here he was again, he could feel it, on a precipice, all he needed to do was jump – say those four words he'd spent his whole life feeling so dreadfully ashamed of. The note in his hands felt as though it was made from lead and had its own heart beat – he could feel it pulsing, as though it too was desperate to share the secrets that it held. Remus couldn't decide whether to hand her the note, read it to her or run from the room.

Slowly he opened the note, his hands shaking. He had written it late last night whilst recovering from his transformation a few nights earlier. Unable to sleep from the pain, the pain from old scars that reopened every month and from the new pain of knowing he had hurt Tonks.

Nymphadora, - Tonks, - Dearest.

I have written and rewritten this note so many times yet, as I begin my hundredth attempt to convey my deepest regret that my actions hurt you, I find the words which come to mind simply aren't enough.

Though I may never be able to find the appropriate words to apologise for my actions, I hope I can at least explain them to you.

I'm not who you think I am Tonks.

You once jokingly told me that one day you would find out my 'dirty little secret'. You could not conceive how those words have tortured me.

The past several months have been a cacophony of unbelievable delight and pleasure at getting to know you, of butterflies in my stomach when I hear your voice and a jolt of electricity when our hands touch accidentally – yet simultaneously the horror of nightmares in which upon discovering my 'dirty little secret' you back away from me. The look of hurt, pain and disgust in your eyes was enough in these devilish dreams to convince me that I could not bear to see it in reality.

Never have I felt so desperate, so torn. Wanting all at once to tell you everything and protect you from ever finding out my truth.

I have spent nights praying to a God I'm not sure I believe in, that you might somehow one day know my secret and yet still look at me the same way you do now.

I had planned to tell you that the reason for asking you to be excluded from my interview was because I wanted to protect you – protect your career and whilst that is certainly true it isn't the whole story.

But at length I have realised that you deserve nothing less than the whole truth from me. I realise this will mean the end of our friendship – an official person of interest in the case of Sirius Black, you will of course have to inform the ministry what you know about me and I'll likely be asked to leave my post as Professor –

I'll lose you.

You cannot know how much your friendship has meant to me. Having once had a group of the bestest friends and losing them all in the most terrible of circumstances, I never even dared to believe I would be afforded the chance of another friendship as pure and true as those of my youth.

Tonks - look up file 5794 RRL/RJL. Names and identifiable places or persons have been redacted, but I can confirm this file contains details of who; of what I am. RRL was Richard Remus Lupin my Father – the file explains how one day whilst we were walking together in a wood near our home, he took his eyes of me for two seconds, bending down to tie his shoe lace. I shouted that we should play hide and seek and ran away from him, quickly getting lost in the dense mass of trees. He found me later the same night, cold, alone and covered in blood. Upon seeing me, he was convinced I was dead. The truth, Nymphadora, was worse. I had been bitten.

Since the age of four, I Remus John Lupin have been a Werewolf.

The file contains the gory details and should be able to answer any further questions you have. The only people to have ever known what I truly I am were James, Lily, Peter, Sirius, Dumbledore and now you.

I feared going into my interview that in some way my Lycanthropy would come up and I would have to tell Kingsley – though logically I knew that would mean the ministry would know and you would find out, but when I walked into Dumbledore's office and saw your distress at my discomfort, I realised I could not watch you as your affection for me turned to disgust.

I am a werewolf and a coward who has fallen for you.

For all those things, I apologise.

Yours forever,

Remus J Lupin.

Remus thumbed the flat paper in his hands and looked up at Tonks' unbearably beautiful face.

AN - Love it? Loathe it? Want more? I'd love to know :)