Oh hai there. This is my second longest chapter for this story. I hope it tides a few of you over while I try to work out the kinks on the next couple chapters. I'm actively doing research. Fun stuff. Multiple points of view in this chapter so you get to hear from almost every conflict that's going to slowly implode before this story is over.
Thank you to Nishea, Raven, PilyMiriam, LuPeyluv and all you reviewers who consistently egg me on. No joke, this story would not have come this far without your continued interest. I cannot believe I started this thing last September. Oy.
Disclaimer: Property of Dick Wolf et al. Their sandbox, I'm just playing in it blah blah.
Angie was looking at Shay in bewilderment. The blonde pixie was standing at the stove in her kitchen. It appeared she was trying to cook, muttering the way she usually did when she was thinking something through to herself. She had not noticed Angie yet. She was lucky Angie lived dangerously and didn't have a smoke detector. Her one frying pan looked scorched beyond repair.
"Leslie?"
The paramedic turned to her painter girlfriend with a pained grimace. Angie choked back a strained curse. Shay was splattered with what looked like pancake batter and… blueberries? She picked up a hand towel and walked towards Shay, her lip pinched between her teeth. Shay was acutely embarrassed as Angie swiped pancake and fruit from her face and neck.
"I was trying to make you breakfast" she muttered bleakly, rubbing her cheek in disgust. "because you know..."
"No, I don't know. Care to tell me what burning my frying pan accomplishes?"
In a not so subtle gesture, Angie grabbed the ruined pan and threw it in the garbage bin. She turned to stare at the blonde woman, slightly shorter and more fit, Leslie seemed to fumble over her words. As inelegant as she had been the night at the bar when Angie pursued her with forthright candor.
"I'm sorry Angie. That's what it was supposed to say."
"You come over. We fuck and you leave. Fairly certain we've got a rhythm established per last night".
Angie said all of this without rancor. Neither a commitment phobe nor a serial monogamist, she took women as they came into her life and walked out. The situations all followed their prescribed patterns and Angie's art reflected her feelings on each situation. She didn't want to think about the painting, done in all blacks and greys that she had started a few days ago when it became clear that what she had with Shay was tanking. Ultimately it was all fodder for her work. She was an emotion driven person, working on her private art collection while creating commissioned pieces for those who could afford it. Her life did not have a routine, not like Shay's and she had tried so hard to get the paramedic to embrace life's small inconsistencies to no avail. To get her to accept change like her friends falling in love but really, who was she in Leslie Shay's life but another interloper?
"Angie..."
The wild-haired brunette gave her girlfriend a speaking glance.
"Don't insult my intelligence Leslie. You didn't cook breakfast for us to be fine. You did it to prove a point and while I am dutifully amused at your gesture. Failing to make pancakes isn't endearing when you've maligned my opinions and entire way of existing."
"But do you forgive me?" Shay persisted, blue eyes wide in her small face.
Angie didn't know if she did. She'd allowed Shay back in the night before because sex and loneliness and her impeccable ability to make messes and then paint and sketch and create her way out of them. To fuck someone until she didn't want to fuck them anymore. Her mistake with Shay was suggesting they could do it together. Have a symbiotic situation that pleased them both but Shay had decried it loudly and with no small expense to her tender heart. It didn't seem like Shay was actually remorseful and she really cared about Leslie Shay. Had met her friends and genuinely enjoyed their company. She was in her own small way, invested in Dawson and Severide's happiness. They radiated intense feeling. So much so she was in awe of the fact they got anything accomplished. And she really did want to paint them but more than that, she wanted Leslie to see what Angie saw when those two were in a room together. How could she keep on fighting something that made her friends so insanely happy?
"Look, I don't know. We should take a step back. It's obvious we have different ideas of what's going on here. I'm okay with giving you a break you clearly need."
And she was. It stung but Angie was an adult. They were all adults and had their own coping and defense mechanisms. She didn't mind retreating quietly from the chaos Shay insisted was rife because Dawson and Kelly were dating. Angie would have argued they were in love but Shay could only handle so much truth. And she didn't have any background in firehouse dynamics to counter Shay's assertions.
"Let's… just get coffee and hash this out. Sounds good?"
She waited for Leslie to nod as her eyes were drifting down the batter splattered shirt and jeans, the blonde was wearing.
"You can pick something from my closet."
ʘ
Kelly spat blood onto the floor, sweat dripping from his temple as Bri babbled apologies and rushed off to get him a towel and some water. He moved his jaw and tried to conceal a wince. Jesus. My girl can swing. He watched her return, blinking his eyes slowly as he cleared the sweat away from his eyebrow.
"Sev. You need to -"
"Bri. Sweetheart I told you I would train with you. I am absolutely not hitting you"
"But-"
"No!"
He grabbed the towel wrapped icepack from her hands as she leaned in closer a small frown furrowing her forehead. Kelly gently lay the icepack against his jaw. They were still in the boxing ring, others were peering at their minor spat with unabashed curiosity.
"I'm not trying to make your headaches worse. At least block me for fuck's sake!"
Kelly glanced at his girlfriend. She was exasperated and very cute in her concern. He wasn't sure how she'd convinced him to do this. To get into the ring with her instead of watching from the sidelines. Oh wait. He remembered now. Maybe we can fight like we fuck. She'd taunted him. While riding him reverse cowgirl so he couldn't see her smirk. Said if he didn't do it, it would just be some other asshole at the boxing gym. So rather than let his girl get wailed on by some jackass who would definitely hit her and hit on her and, best he could tell, get himself locked up for assault. Kelly decided to be her punching bag. Turned out Bri could punch and he was too damn pleased to be pissed about it. She'd walked into the boxing gym like she owned the place. Apparently Antonio used to train full-time here.
She looked hot. There was no denying that. Black sports bra, toned abs. Her long stretchy leggings. She had her hair tied up to flaunt the undercut and her gloves were bright red like fresh blood. One ripped off on the floor, wrappings and all, in her hurry to get him the icepack. D was the best kind of boxing match bait except she was the match. And he really did want to see her in an actual fight some day.
"Can you blame me for watching you move?" he teased as she guided him out of the ring and to a foldout chair. Kelly let her fuss. She wasn't being overbearing. D checked his eyes and his jaw, the consummate paramedic as she knelt on the floor before him. Kelly drew her into the vee of his spread thighs, cupping her shoulders lightly with his hands while she worked.
"You're too slow. You lead with your left foot and your damn eyes give you away every single time, Kelly".
He let her criticisms roll off his back as he smiled. She really did know the sport well. Kelly figured he should spend some time with Antonio to figure out how much of her passion for boxing was related to his skill. He was due a chat with her older brother anyway…
He and Bri had never discussed her crying. It still bugged him. So much had happened since then and really, this had nothing to do with his ego because she hadn't cried during sex since... except that one time her eyes got glassy while they talked but… he sensed Bri was guarded somehow. He couldn't explain it. She showed up and she defended him and he'd said he was hers because it was true. The present situation being an excellent case study for how far out of his norm he would go for Bri. God help him if any of the Squad crew found out about this. He'd sic Bri on them.
She wasn't his usual. And even if he didn't think he had a type, Kelly recognized that both Renees were girly and feminine. Heels and skirts and makeup. Regularly. All those things women do that make no fucking sense until it's all put together in a red dress and called Saturday night. Both Renees were petite in such a way that made him look like he was their big strong man. Their tough guy. He was definitely the complete opposite of Renee Royce's 9 to 5 office job with power suits and briefcases. All her overseas travel and posh lifestyle.
It was all a game of contrasts. Meanwhile, Bri could have just knocked his ass out. She was easily 5'8 and a buck fifty. She could take care of herself. He was pretty sure she had pulled her punch. She wore the exact same clothes as him every shift together. Not that she couldn't dress up but usually she had no time for makeup besides chapstick far as he could tell and she'd been there all along. A friend. A kickass friend who had gotten him sober without judging and become so important to his life he'd pretty much do anything to keep her. Like sit still and quiet while gym rats paced around them, his girl showing her tender side while he showed his weak one for all to see. It didn't matter anymore. He didn't care. Much. Okay he cared but he also hadn't even thought to be mad that a girl decked him hard enough to spill blood. Some guys would be. He wasn't. It was his girl. It was Bri. It made sense, just like she did and how she understood him. She wasn't teasing him about being a better boxer or trying to goad him. She was on her knees in front of him, concrete bruising her shins to take care of him. Giving him pointers in her blunt, matter of fact way. This was the kind of shit that humbled him. He didn't deserve her. And he felt like he was falling short on understanding her when the reason she'd cried still escaped him. Bri hated crying.
"Don't think I don't know you're hiding something"
He watched Bri pull away from him for a second. She paused in her scrutiny of his many injuries to give him a look. Again. And not a look he'd deciphered just yet. It was by turns cautious and sad and exhausted and if other shit wasn't so critical at the moment he'd tear his hair out asking her why for fuck's sake was she feeling sad.
"Sev..."
"You're the one who said I wasn't stupid."
Bri had no response for that, and Kelly pulled her closer as she bit her lip, pretending to concentrate on his jaw when really, she was pulling in on herself. Trying not to show whatever it was she refused to let him see. He let her do it. Entranced by the drop of sweat tracing its way down through her hairline and onto her throat. More focused on the way her muscles moved sinuously under her skin, than on the concern painted square across Bri's face. He got like that sometimes when she was close. All he wanted was to devour her and he didn't care who saw but still-
"Are you ever gonna tell me?" he asked quietly.
His fingers were pressing in on her left trapezius muscle, sensing a knot and kneading it until Bri flinched. She exhaled softly as they took care of each other in their own soundless ways.
"Yes."
It was whisper soft as she traced his jaw with her thumb until it crossed his lips and he sucked it into his mouth with a gentle bite.
"I'm just not ready yet" Bri admitted, her eyes closing as Kelly explored her thumb with his tongue, gaze turning thoughtful at her admission. He could understand not being ready given that there were also things he should say. Things you should tell the woman willing to pick up sticks and uproot her entire fucking life for you. He breathed quietly across her thumb, sucking it until he heard her breath catch in her throat. Turning her on like a light the way she did him. He resisted the urge to palm himself just then.
"Afraid of screwing up?" Kelly asked as he released her thumb with a kiss. Bri opened her eyes.
"Always,"
"Me too baby"
Kelly watched as Bri relaxed into his fingers as they worked the knot out of her shoulder. He was theoretically the more injured party in their bout but he liked seeing Bri go boneless, like after a long night of sex. He enjoyed the hazy look of pleasure and satisfaction she got when he took care of what she needed without saying, the small smile of appreciation. He wanted her to forget about being a screw up. How they had both screwed up just by wanting to be together. They remained resolute in that regard despite all the drama. And Shay thank god was fine. Or as fine with it as she would get for someone who resisted change so vehemently. Bri's ultimatum probably had a lot to do with it but she was still at Angie's so... Maybe she was avoiding him and Bri. He honestly couldn't be sure.
Nothing had changed just yet with Boden. Working shifts was tense and Boden watched him and Casey like hawks but for better or worse, they all still got their jobs done. Their petty shit did not interfere with saving lives. Ever. He hadn't told Bri yet but he was looking into teaching classes at the academy as an end run around switching firehouses. Let Casey have some space from him until everything was settled. Whatever settled looked like. He had no clue. His modus operandi had been hit it and quit it for so long that all the changes he'd made for Bri were as alien as they were so fucking natural. He couldn't be any other way about her than he was and he didn't want to be. He just really didn't know what settled looked like. They'd been out in the open for nearly two months but together for maybe six and while he was firmly, stoutly, in this relationship til it sank, Bri being guarded made him think he shouldn't plan on too permanent a removal from 51. He didn't want to think that way and he believed she was earnest in her decision to leave if he did but there was no way he was jeopardizing both their careers on a situation that had the potential to resolve amicably. Even if he was destroyed in the process. As long as Bri wasn't hurt, it would be fine.
Kelly could admit he was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. As wholeheartedly devoted as he was to their relationship, Bri was always going to be her own person and she loved Casey. Their fight in the back office of the bar had devolved into a fight about leaving 51 had devolved into fighting in a boxing ring and blood on Bri's gloves. Nothing ever got resolved between them and Bri grew more quiet and small. He knew something had happened with Casey but not what and the guys weren't saying anything because, again, they wouldn't get involved unless they were pushed. The only person whose buttons he wanted to press, at all, was kneeling in front of him. And he really, really didn't want another fight. He wanted to know why she'd cried in his arms. He couldn't forget it. He hated the word fine. He hated the word okay and he was a habitual exploiter of both words. Enough to wear their meanings through to bone and all the pain beneath it. His girl could have caught a bullet, standard operating procedure, just another day at the firehouse and he wouldn't ever know what he'd done wrong to make her cry in his lap like that. It drove him batshit insane and she was right, like women tended to be from time to time. They weren't happy at the moment and she wanted that part of them back. So did he.
"Just don't lie Bri. That's all I ask. There's too much going on as it is. Just don't lie to me."
Bri blinked. Bri stared into his eyes, while his hand massaged her shoulder and her hands were flat against his chest over his heart. Something she kept doing without ever explaining why. He kept right on staring while the gym was loud around them and he didn't care. Something was unraveling behind dark brown eyes and he was waiting for the catch. For the bottom to fallout from under him as he subtly adjusted his feet to be flat on the floor. As he braced himself for impact.
"Boden's planning boxing tryouts."
"What?"
Kelly felt Bri crowd closer into him. He could smell the sweat on her skin and see the thud of her pulse in her neck as she placed one hand on each of his cheeks because he wasn't expecting her to say that. Kelly rested his hands on her hips while Bri licked her lips and he let her continue.
"Boden doesn't want a transfer. You don't want a transfer. He wants to sort you guys out. Boden thinks if he allows you guys to beat each other up like at the bar and get it all out, things will be better. So he's rigging it to look like boxing tryouts for Battle of the Badges."
His hands tensed on her hips when she was finished. A boxing match. He looked around at where he was. Kelly leaned back on the folding chair to look at his girl, still on her knees in front of him, the icepack warming at his feet. He recalled all the pointers she was giving him in the ring, not the other way around.
"When were you gonna tell me all the training was for me?"
"I wasn't."
"D..."
"I'm not coddling you! This is the opposite of coddling! You've got a silver dollar sized bruise on your jaw Kelly!"
Bri's face was mutinous. She was gearing up for the argument she knew he wanted to make. He could handle himself just fine. He could handle Casey. Hadn't they argued about exactly that fact in the back office of Molly's? How if Casey wanted to press charges he would have handled it and on his own too?
"I have a bruise because I'm not going to hit you"
"Well that's just plain stupid."
"D. There is not one single thing you could say right now that will make me throw a punch at you. When's tryouts start?"
Her face turned thoughtful then and Kelly pulled her off the floor to straddle his lap because he could. Apparently he and D were going to have serious conversations in the most absurd places.
"I don't know. He didn't want it to be too obvious so he was going to talk to Antonio about setting it up like a precursor to Battle of the Badges. Didn't I just say that?"
"Jesus D. Cops? How involved is this thing gonna be?"
"Well it's not like he could call us all into the break room and say Casey! Severide! Fight it out!"
Kelly laughed at Bri's Boden impersonation. It wasn't half bad and he squeezed her waist as she sat on his lap without protest. He didn't want to ask this next question but he had to. His pride, his uncertainty about the next step with Bri and Firehouse 51, all of it, kind of all boiled down to her response.
"Does Casey know about any of this?"
Bri peered at Kelly. Nudged him with her shoulder.
"I'm here with you. You're the asshole getting punched by a chick half his size."
Kelly didn't need her to say not Casey but he really wished she would. A shrug didn't mean she hadn't told the other lieutenant about the boxing match. He decided not to push it or her. He was more than a little aggravated that she had decided to help him without telling him one word about what was going on, but he appreciated the gesture. He really did. This was the sort of thing Dawson did on a regular basis. It was part of her charm, the way she supported those she cared about by actively helping them. Whether they knew it or not. It's what had gotten her in trouble with Mills. Kelly was glad she had said something though. He would have been really pissed off if she'd kept this from him all the way up til the first bout was announced. Kelly sighed loudly.
"What am I gonna do with you?"
"You're going to believe me. One of these days you're going to believe me when I say you're fucking stuck with me Severide." Kelly watched Bri cock her head to the side. "Scared yet?"
Kelly kissed Bri in reply and sunk into it. Closed his eyes and held on for all he was worth. His hands roamed under the waistband of her leggings, his right third finger sliding into the crease of her ass while she held his face like porcelain between her fingers. Bri shuddered over him and Kelly damn near imploded before he opened his eyes and remembered where he was. Any one of these guys could be friends with Bri's brother and tell him that he'd been manhandling baby sis in full view of a dozen men. Kelly figured he had to call Antonio sooner rather than later now for a variety of reasons.
ʘ
Boden peered at the detective in front of him, wondering how he was related to Dawson. He couldn't see any similarities between the siblings. Antonio made him think of Kelly. He was wearing a leather jacket in August and his hands were slung low in his jeans pockets. Boden personally didn't care for the earring stud but to each their own. He was old school and too old to change his ways now. Plus, he was asking this man for help with a delicate situation in his firehouse.
"Has Gabi said anything to you?" he started in a gruff tone. Boden didn't like asking for help, especially from people he wasn't close to. Gabi was one thing. Her brother, another thing entirely as the younger man nodded slowly, gestured Boden into a diner booth. They swiftly ordered two coffees and turned back to each other.
"She mentioned you wanted to stage a series of bouts...and wanted to use Battle of the Badges as a way to hide what it's really about"
Boden's mouth quirked at the play on words with about. He confirmed Antonio's understanding but was more curious to learn his impression of the situation at large. Gabi had always confided in her brother. This he knew. She was also, still, very protective and anxious about his health because of the bullet wound that left her a trembling mess. Gabi mother-henned like a bulldozer in the wake of such vulnerability. Almost angry at her brother for making her feel so helpless, she had helped and hovered until the man had stopped coming around the firehouse to avoid her. Which was why they were meeting for coffee, off shift in a diner close to Antonio's precinct.
"You met Lieutenant Casey during the whole Voight situation. What do you think of him?" Boden prodded.
"Chief… how much do you know about the drama that happens in your firehouse?"
It was a deflection and not a skillful one which immediately put Boden on notice. Antonio was as blunt as his sister and went straight to the point.
"I know Casey and Severide have been at each other's throats ever since Andy died and it's only escalated in the last couple months. The summer months are always hard on the team though."
Boden paused because he wasn't sure where Antonio was going with this. He was not an obtuse man. He knew his men were hiding things from him, like their lieutenants' fight. Its circumstances. He didn't know everything and as much as he might wish to sometimes, Boden didn't feel comfortable interjecting himself in the private issues of his men. That Antonio said drama in the firehouse left Boden feeling like he wasn't taking care of his men properly. He stifled a tired groan.
"All of that is true but they're also fighting because of Gabi" Antonio declared grimly. "I don't like to invade my sister's privacy. She already smothers me half to death and if I tell you some things, she's going to use it as an excuse to meddle so…"
Antonio grimaced while Boden took a sip of his coffee, content to let the detective take his time. He was too curious to interrupt.
"I know second watch is protective of Gabi. Treat her like a sister. All of that. Which is good but apparently Casey is with Gabi like Gabi is with me."
"Ah. Overprotective? Constantly fussing?" Boden suggested as Antonio scratched his chest self-consciously. Bullet wounds were no joke and his sister had every right to worry up to a certain point.
"Yeah" Antonio admitted with a chuckle. "Basically, Casey's not dealing well with Gabi dating Severide."
Boden could believe that but it didn't explain the vehemence of Casey's reaction. He was well aware of Severide's talent with women and his often terrible taste in sex partners. His sexual escapades were legendary and he knew the other firefighters often cracked jokes about the squad lieutenant's skill with women. He met Renee Royce on a job for crying out loud and to his credit, had warned her off at least twice before finally conceding to a date. At least, that was what Boden had heard from Connie's gossip. But Severide was so very much like his mother. He saw it so clearly. Yes, he did well with the ladies but he was not profoundly stupid. Starting something up with a colleague was always a risk but he knew how the younger man felt about taking risks. He did it all the damn time much to his superior's chagrin. But in seeing him with Dawson, Boden witnessed a side of his lieutenant that was so like his mother it was eerie. He was loyal once he made any sort of commitment. Even if he pretended there was none. He let Dawson go her own way, much like his mother had with Benny until the lies and the cheating became too much and she finally just let the man go. Mrs. Severide was not a coddler if he remembered correctly. She had let Kelly get into scrapes and learn his lessons. Her affection was practical and sweet. She'd allowed her little boy to cry and not feel like it was wrong to show emotion. Whatever Severide absorbed from his mother still lingered under his roughshod persona.
Boden had watched the lieutenant fuss over Dawson in his brusque and jokey way while she snorted and pretended to be annoyed. But that was on shift. He was willing to bet that in private both of them shed their casual demeanours. They worked too well together to do otherwise. Severide had a persona and he inhabited it so very well with the classic cars and the women. From the outside, he would make any parent nervous but when the man cared he kept on caring. His friendship with Shay was testimony to that impulse. Severide was cavalier with his own life to the point of serious body injury so he could help and save others. Save strangers. And Casey knew this. Had known Severide at the academy, before Boden had lain eyes on the boy for the first time in years as the upstart squad member to join Firehouse 51. Boden looked up at Antonio.
"You're saying Casey is angry at Severide for dating Dawson. Isn't this better than what he usually does?"
"Damn straight it is but it doesn't stop there, Chief. Lieutenant Casey's also just plain jealous. Gabi finally admitted some stuff to me. I wasn't happy when I found out what the hell's been going on but Gabi's happy now so..."
"So. My lieutenants are fighting over their colleague like this is high school and my firehouse is lunch hour." Boden surmised shortly.
"Basically. Look Chief, from what Gabi says, these two have a lot of shit to work out. Not just her"
Boden wanted to groan. Loudly. He had seen personal dramas play out between his men before. Had been privy to his share of such drama, much to his consternation, when he was younger. Somethings never changed and he was irritated that here he was, trying to fix a broken bond between two men who should already know better what was, and was not worth a fight. He'd given up a good woman for the sake of peace twenty years ago why the hell couldn't his men figure out a way to do the same? He cleared his throat.
"Detective, you know everyone involved. You know tensions are high. What do you think of my idea?"
"I think no matter who wins, when they get in the ring with me, I'll kick their ass."
Boden laughed out loud. For better or worse, the fights would be very entertaining at least. Hopefully they would allow the resentment and anger festering in Firehouse 51 to finally be vented.
"But seriously Chief? It can't hurt more than what's already gone down. Right?"
Boden looked across at Antonio with a slight smile. There was still a lot of mistrust between firefighters and cops in the wake of Voight's attacks against Casey. Maybe this could help everyone heal, not just his lieutenants. He gave the detective a brisk nod then pushed his coffee to the side. It was time to get down to brass tacks.
Just then his cellphone trilled loudly. An incoming call. Boden picked it up immediately with an apologetic glance at Antonio.
"Hello?"
"Wallace?"
Boden froze as Ingrid's voice poured through his ear, soft and strained. He resisted the urge to swallow.
"What's wrong Mrs. Mills?" Boden tried for a professional tone but probably failed. He heard Ingrid sigh. Heard the sounds of the diner around him and behind her, over the phone connection. He could see her in his mind, at the cash register, hair pulled back with a frown on her lips he used to chase away. Boden glanced at Antonio again. He really did have the worst timing with this woman.
ʘ
Hermann shuffled awkwardly back and forth on his feet, hands in his pockets as he looked at Casey. They were standing in front of Molly's too early for it to open but Casey had wanted to talk where no one could see him and Hermann had suggested the bar because he had prep to do before it opened that evening. Any day he wasn't on shift at the firehouse, Hermann would be at the bar. It was his safe haven from his riotous family. A family, that would expand yet again. Cindy was six months pregnant and getting anxious.
He didn't remind Casey of this. His lieutenant looked a little preoccupied. He simply opened up the bar and locked the door behind him, started pulling down stools and rearranging the tables ahead of their opening at three. Behind the bar he was checking the taps and making sure the cash register was cleared out from last night's take. All of this in near quiet as he waited for Casey to speak. Hermann was square in the middle of the two bickering lieutenants and neither had taken advantage of that position yet. He saw Kelly with Gabi and knew the jackass was as devoted as he could be. No pretense. The guy was at the bar any shift she worked. Every shift she worked to watch her and take care of her. Dawson had told him all about it with an edge of exasperated annoyance in her voice. She had never asked Kelly to do it. He just did. And spent the whole night watching her, making sure she was okay. In a word, Hermann found it disgusting and wasn't shy about saying so to either of them. But he didn't disapprove of the relationship. Gabi knew this. Casey didn't and Hermann was cautiously concerned about what his lieutenant needed to hear from him right now, man to man outside of the firehouse where he was the superior talking to his subordinate. Hermann wasn't looking to stir the pot.
"I almost slept with Heather".
Hermann froze behind the bar, washcloth over his shoulder because he'd been wiping down the shotglasses to make sure there was no dust. Casey was sitting down on a barstool, leaning over the scarred wood of the bartop, waiting for his reaction.
"Define almost," Hermann remarked softly. He was aware, as was the whole firehouse of how quickly the lieutenants had come to near blows over Severide thinking Casey had done exactly what he just admitted had almost happened. Severide was more rabid than Casey about Andy's legacy and how it was preserved. A childhood friendship would do that to any guy. And Hermann placed his hands on the bar to give Casey his undivided attention. The blonde lieutenant rasped his hands over the back of his neck as he cleared his throat.
"Damn close. Blowjob. Her. Naked on top of me"
"Why are you telling me this Casey?"
"Because I need to tell someone."
Hermann groaned inwardly. Casey had been isolating himself from the other firefighters for awhile in the wake of Dawson and Severide's relationship going public. Damned if anyone knew how long they'd been seeing each other besides Shay who wasn't saying anything. It seemed like they were in it for the long haul which clearly upset Lieutenant Casey. Hermann wouldn't betray Dawson's confidence by saying there were issues. Every relationship had issues. From what he could tell, all of Dawson's centered around the man in front of him. Around getting him to accept and be civil about Severide. It wasn't lost on him that all the players in this fiasco were more stubborn than mules about what they wanted and were probably all going about it the wrong way. He'd been known to act with the exact same level of stupidity. He could not judge but Casey saying he'd almost slept with Heather would definitely put him back in the frying pan with Severide, probably Dawson too. The woman had almost decked Heather out at the 4th of July picnic. Clearly there was no love lost between the two of them. That Casey had almost done anything with Heather at all was a testament to how much he had pulled away from his friends and colleagues.
"And? Now that you've told me? What do you expect me to say? I'm a bartender not a priest Casey. I can't absolve you of your sins".
Hermann listened while Casey began to laugh. It was a choked ugly sound, his gaze focused on the scarred bartop like it might lend him the answers he needed to move forward.
"I'm tired Hermann. I'm tired of thinking and planning and worrying and always doing what's right. Fuck"
Hermann swallowed hard as Casey leaned into the bartop, hands clenched into fists, eyes still staring into nothing. He pulled a Budweiser from a fridge under the counter, popped it open and set it in front of Casey. The blonde lieutenant blinked for a full minute before murmuring a thank you and taking a long pull from the longneck. Hermann said nothing. Waited him out. Confessions were tough and Casey had lead with the worst offence so he let the words un-spool slow and painful from the younger man's throat. He was so grateful to be married in that moment. To have Cindy and their four wild kids. Looking at Casey's lost face was heartbreaking though Hermann wouldn't have phrased it that way.
"Being right and righteous nearly got Hallie hurt. Got her halfway around the world to escape me because I needed to be right more than I needed her to be safe."
"Casey-"
"What Hermann? I could have made the whole mess go away if I'd let Voight's kid go free. One kid"
"That's not who you are" Hermann chided quietly.
"Who I am has got me shit! I don't want to be the golden boy anymore! I don't want to be perfect!"
"No one thinks you're perfect Lieutenant"
"Bullshit"
"You put that on yourself. No one else is looking at you like you're God"
Hermann retorted with a snort. He grabbed his own beer from the fridge, and walked around the bar to sit down next to Casey. He was thinking of a way to explain what he meant without implying you're being fucking stupid to a man twenty years his junior who was also his boss. Hermann didn't think about it too often, but it sucked sometimes to be led by men half his age who didn't know jackshit about their own lives. Casey had made an awkward situation painful for everyone when he didn't have to. It was completely unlike him and stunk of the ill-humour and rancor that had festered ever since Voight nearly destroyed his life.
"Casey… we rip through doors and break windows and generally ruin public and private property to get civilians out of fires. On a good day everyone lives. On a bad day… people die. Our job is messy, toxic and bad for our health. No one thinks you're perfect. You think you have to be is the problem".
He watched Casey take another long pull of beer without responding. Hermann could tell what he said was bugging the lieutenant but he stood by his words. Casey was the textbook superior officer. Firm but slightly removed from his men. He offered guidance but not necessarily warmth. Not unless it was warranted and even then he was often uncomfortable with emotions. He was by the book to the point that he'd almost lost everything to a dirty cop because he stood by the rules. It was understandable that he was feeling a bit chafed. Like he couldn't trust in justice. Like he felt the way he lived his life was absurd given what had happened to tilt his whole life off its axis. Still-
"What's your point Lieutenant?"
"My point is… what's the point? Of doing anything. Of being good if all that's gonna happen is you end up alone."
His face told Hermann that Casey hadn't quite meant to say so much to him but it didn't matter. Only an idiot would have looked at what had happened in the firehouse over the last few months and not seen someone who was hurting. It was part of the reason why no one had broached the Dawson issue, as the men had taken to calling it, with either man involved. Calling attention to why Casey was mad, beyond the derision of Severide's ability to commit to one woman, smacked of kicking a man when he was already down. And Casey, for lack of any better way of saying it, had been operating at a low ebb for awhile. He was trying to put back together the pieces of his life that Voight had torn asunder and it was taking some time. The revelation that one of the things he held sacred, his friendship with Gabi, was now completely altered by her devotion to the squad lieutenant rankled. It was evident in the way Casey reacted that her devotion was one of those things that was never supposed to change. And it hadn't. Not to Hermann's point of view. She still worried over Casey and spent bar shifts railing against his idiocy but Gabi didn't hate him. Had never tried to shun Casey the way he was currently shutting her out. Gabi had a big heart and had given a piece of it to someone else when Casey seemed to want it all. It didn't make sense.
"You're not alone. Your crew is with you. As to what's the point… you gotta figure what that means for you. Each person is different. I don't have answers that will help."
Hermann watched while Casey scoffed and swallowed the rest of his beer before tipping his chin to the older man. He walked towards the door without another word and Hermann sighed. It was clear to him that Casey was floundering. It was also clear to him that Casey struggled to articulate how anyone could help. He hoped the lieutenant would keep reaching out, would keep trying. Hermann didn't want to think about the firehouse would look if he didn't.
ʘ
Dawson moved like a fever dream through the rest of her morning. As punishment for hiding the boxing matches from him, Kelly had fucked her raw and fast against the gym shower wall. Told her to come quick because no one got to see her like this but him. She'd gotten close but no… she hadn't come and the look on Kelly's face had upset her. She remembered his simple code: you always come first. And still. She just couldn't, He'd held off as long as he could, stroking her good and well as she stifled her moans. She didn't tell him she was feeling distracted. That her body ached all over from their spar. That Casey had texted her late the night before and she was still reeling from his wall of text.
The man had come undone. Confessed a barrage of words she was still trying to pick apart. She still hadn't responded. Maybe it was a dick move but he'd mastered the class on that recently and when Kelly asked her not to lie she admitted to the boxing because fuck if she knew how to tell him Casey was being nice again. To her. She wasn't holding her breath as far as Kelly went. She was quite clear when she'd reamed Shay out that Casey was on her shit list now. She'd practically begged him to let her and Kelly be and his response had been to tell her she couldn't come to him when she was hurt. When. Not if. And there was Kelly watching her like a hawk on shift and at the bar. Her big tough guy worrying. It only hurt her when they were separated.
Right now she was alone in her apartment. Kelly had gotten a call from one of the Squad and he'd rushed off to help his teammate. Dawson smiled to herself despite her worry. To her, Kelly would now always be the guy with a teddy bear heart under his bad boy shtick. He'd always been good. Always been tender and caring. He'd just hidden it so damn well it took a full bottle of tequila for her to see it. It made Dawson squirm restlessly. She had known Kelly Severide for years and never known how deep his heart went. All she'd really perceived was his persistent needling at Casey to get the stick out his ass. His almost puppydog devotion to Shay and how he ran her ragged with their hi-jinks. He was all comedy and smooth sexuality by turns. Kelly had never let down his guard long enough for anyone to see him and now here she was, in love with every single part of him.
She needed to tell him. About Casey yeah but she needed to tell him she loved him. He needed to hear it. She was just so fucking scared of the fallout. Yes they were together. She was his. Dawson sighed and walked into her kitchen. Kelly was a warmth that blanketed her heart on even the hottest days and she wanted him with her always. This of course, was impractical. Times like this she cooked. So she would bake brownies and make dinner and remind herself that space was sometimes necessary for love to grow. She wasn't going to try and control Kelly. He would never do that to her but what they lacked for all their chemistry, was trust. She wanted to trust he would react well to those three little words. He seemed to believe her about leaving with him if he decided to quit Firehouse 51…
It was all that armor. Drunk as she was that night back in January, she recognized in Kelly the necessity to hold the world at a distance. To have the soft spots she defended so fiercely safe behind a wall. She just hoped she was behind that wall with him after she told him everything.
Comments welcome. The final countdown begins! No new chapters for at least ten days. Thank you for reading!