I sat on the bed as an overwhelming feeling of emotion channeled through my very being. I felt relief that he didn't hurt Skye mixed with sadness that my best friend was gone, but mostly I just felt guilt… I could have saved him. He'd be alive right now if i had just uttered three little words. 'I love you' they didn't even have to mean anything real, but just saying them would have kept him alive… Why couldn't I say them? I sigh... Did I love him too? I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth, doing everything in my power to prevent the tears from falling. I re-opened the book and flipped the page. Like I said before, his notes were not in order but just kinda randomly thrown into the book here and there.
I love him Geheimnis. I love him more than anything in the world. I know that in my head and in my heart but today was a weird day. I didn't sleep a wink last night and not because I spent it pleasing him and getting pleasure in return. No this was quite the opposite. I just laid on my back in my bed, hand down my shorts but no matter what I did, I couldn't get aroused by him. It's like my heart just gave up on loving him and it scares me… it scares me a lot. "Cause I know the pup I become when I'm without him and I don't like that pup. I feel like i finally found purpose and it's just fading away into nothingness… that i'm fading away into nothingness. I love him. So-so-so-so-so-so-so-soooooooooooooooo much. I don't want to stop loving him, but I feel like my heart has already chosen that for me- I hope it hasn't. I hope I can keep loving him like I always have. Just like from the first moment.
Dear Geheimnis. He took his shirt off today. You have know idea how much my heart dropped. And not totally in a bad way. It made me kinda happy that he was chill enough to take his shirt off in front of me still. Not a whole lot had changed from the last time I saw. He's still a strong guy and I know he could still pin me down and... "beat me" up but I have enough self control to ignore it when he's "bugging me". He really is quite beautiful and I'm a bit sad that he doesn't care that I think so. I like the way he laughs. The way his giggles sound. The way his lips curl up and his eyes squint almost shut. The way he looks kinda like an idiot. A cute little idiot. My cute little idiot... The cute little idiot that I love. A lot!
I close my eyes and I can see him. It's like I've put on a VR set of my room and when I turn my head, I can see him sitting on the bed next to me. Can see his smile, his laugh. His cute floppy ears and his nose. I lean in to kiss his head and the second I would have made contact, he disappears. I sigh shakily and hold back the welling up tears.
Dear Geheimnis. So, I almost kissed him today. Only this time, he was sitting next to his girlfriend. I was even close enough that I could smell the sweat on his face and neck. The way the light hit your fur. The way I knew it would taste like salt if I were to kiss it. If I were to lick it. Claim it as my own.
Hey Geheimnis. I learned something today. I used to hate the fact that when I stared at him, he paid me no mind. It made me feel stupid and unimportant. But… I've grown to love it! Mostly since it means that I can look at him as much as I like. It's kinda nice not being the centre of his universe but it hurts when he totally ignores me.
I sighed and made a mental entry to him. 'I miss you today.' I lie on my back on the bed. 'You've been on my mind for the past week or so but today I feel like I would rather have not met you at all if it meant I wouldn't have to feel this way.' I huff and shake my head. 'Sometimes I wish I could just unlove you... no, that's not true... I don't. I wish I would have told you. Would have just opened up my mouth and said something.'
I'm sad today Geheimnis. Is it bad that I want to kiss the person I love? To want to see them... be with them? Pin them down and tickle them till they scream? Hold them at night? Make them feel loved and cherished? Trust them enough to cry with, love them enough to laugh with, and know them enough to feel their moods? Or is it okay? Maybe it's all fine... but I know it's bad that I love who I love. Know that you're already taken. And yet... I know I won't give up... can't give you up.
I miss you.
This made me pause. The three letter entry. No beginning. No real end. Just three simple words-"I miss you." It made me feel sad, no… guilty.
Geheimnis, I am crazy about him. It's like he's squeezed himself into a part of me and trying to cover him up is pointless because he'll still be there at the end of the day. Burning a hole into the very core of my being. And let's not even talk about pulling his fire out. That would just cause another whole slew of issues. Like the fact that having him, even as a friend is all that keeps me going sometimes... all that gives me drive to live. It's weird that someone who doesn't love me back- at least not in the way I want. is the one who, I didn't even even pick really, is sometimes the only reason I get up in the morning. How would I even tell him? "Hey, Chase. How's it going? You know how we like to sleep together? Yeah it's fun. How's the weather? Oh!- by the way, I'm kinda head over heels in love with you. How was your dinner with your girlfriend? I mean, like, it's not even profitable to tell him since he'll probably respond negatively anyhow. And it's kinda unreasonable to expect any positive change; since, you know, he has someone. And I've seen the way they look at each other. I kinda hate it... but it really is nice that he's so happy. And I know it's stupid to think that he might react positively; or some change for my good might instigate; or that he could even love me back the way that I love him... but I hope. I hope and I hate it. But I can't stop... I'm too afraid to because if I stop hoping I'll become a version of me that I don't like... the Me that breaks stuff... the Me that hurts others… and he hurts me. I don't like him. I like Chase... But I've learned; the version of me that causes others pain, and the version of me that obsesses over you, hurts me just the same. But the first is with regret and the latter is just plain sadness. Loneliness. Like I should fix it but I am hopelessly helpless to do anything to make it better. To make me better. Make him better... Get unstuck from this stupid hole I've dug myself into. The one that makes me confuse my thoughts and emotions making it difficult to discern what I think and feel about anything. You. Me. Him. Anything. This thing that we don't have, this thing he doesn't even know. I guess I just can't help falling in love with him.
Sorry Geheimnis but this ones to Chase. I love you, Right at this very moment, I know I am head over heels for you. I feel full and empty at the same time. Like I know that I could and would do anything for you but wouldn't dare do anything that you wouldn't want me to do. That I am stronger than anyone in the world but if you needed me to be gentle I wouldn't do anything else. Like I could run a marathon but would love to do nothing more than stare into your eyes for hours on end. I really really love you. I know I keep on saying it over and over but I know that I can't forget you because every little bit of my very being is drawn towards you in a way I wish and dream I could understand. I fuckin' love you.
I hate him, Geheimnis. I hate that I love him. But I love it too. I love that I love him. It's like someone took me and gave me a new favourite food and then that same person told me I was stupid for liking that food. I'm not saying I want to eat- well maybe I do... but only if he wanted me to. Kiss his muzzle and slowly rub my hands across his body. Feel his heartbeat under my fingertips as it pounds in his chest. Hear him whisper my name as if it's a special secret that only we get to know. Maybe we wouldn't stop at kissing and just move onto making out. His tongue slipping into my mouth and I'd love it. Giggle into his mouth and feel him just go crazy against me. But maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he'd tell me I'm weird and just walk away leaving me in the past and moving forward with something else. Someone else. I know he's hers, all hers, every single bone in his body is hers, and I know I hate it. But, nevertheless, I understand it... and yet I don't care. I want to sleep with him and not just as friends. End of story. I love him. End of story.
I close my eyes and let a thought creep through my mind. 'He wanted nothing more than to be able to call me his. He wanted to kiss me, to be wrapped around my little finger, to hold me for his whole life with all his strength. Wanted to lay me down, hold me close.' Is it weird to hear you telling yourself about one of your friends needing you? To want to be allowed to need them? I didn't want him to need me but he did. And, I realized, I liked it with every bone in my body. I feel like I needed it, that I would be very different if he didn't need me. He wanted to see me naked. He wanted to be able to trust me that much. And I want to be able to trust him like that. I liked the idea of sex with him but I don't even know if I could handle it in real life. If we weren't just friends. Does that make sense?
Dear Geheimnis. I once read that; the bravest thing one can do, is to keep on living when they no longer want to. Maybe it makes me a coward for not wanting to live without him, maybe it doesn't but the reason for death is the same... I fuckin' love him. He is my everything. My endgame.