A/N: Another update! Time seems to be plentiful for me recently, so I'm going through these quite quickly. I'm also trying to finish one of my stories so I can publish another one. It gets boring writing the same stuff for a while.

Anyway...I'm gonna just skip to the new chapter. Nothing special to say since I'm updating like crazy.

Till next time,

D.L.D

17th Year - I made a mistake...

Hey mom,

Sorry for choosing such a shitty time to write. I'm pretty sure my tears have stained the paper now... Oh well.

I'm at Ava's right now, enjoying some ice-cream while I vent to you. I...don't want to talk to dad right now. He crossed a line and I'm pissed, so I really think being at home isn't going to help. Especially since I don't feel like arguing again. It's the first time we've actually disagreed on something...

Great, now I got ice-cream on the paper. Sorry about that. Anyway, I bet you're wondering why I even ended up at Ava's, eating comfort food as I cry my eyes out. Well, it's because of an argument. That's right, a petty feud often battled with words. Stupid right?

I mean, I didn't mean for it to escalate the way it did. It started off as us talking, like always. This time just didn't end like always.

It started by me saying that I did some thinking and I was willing to forgive Ethan for what he did. Wait, I haven't told you what he did. It'd make no sense if I didn't say; I'll fill you in now.

So, I'll begin at the beginning. Obviously. It was a Saturday night and I was at home, getting ready to go to some party with Ethan. He said some friends of his were throwing some gig since their parents were out of town, and he wanted me to come. I agreed since I'd met his friends before and they seemed fine. Remember that word: seemed. I feel like such a ditz for believing them; who am I kidding, I feel like a ditz for wanting to forgiving Ethan. I'm glad dad stopped me...

So I was at home, all pampered up and ready to go to this party. Ethan came to pick me up and I left dad a note saying I was going out with Ava. God was that a mistake. If I'd actually went out with Ava I wouldn't be here now. Crying as I shovel ice-cream into my mouth, hoping it would make me feel better about myself.

Being me sucks. Life does in general I guess. Back to the story! (sorry for all the detours)

We went to his friend's place, instantly joining in on teenage 'fun'. I regret that. I remember dancing, drinking some punch that was definitely spiked, way too much may I add, and just getting wasted really. I think I even got stoned at a point. I feel like such a mess...

Ava's comforting me now. She's telling me it wasn't my fault and that everything's fine. I wish it was... You're probably gonna have a sodden letter at this point.

So...I got drunk, stoned and - I think you know the last part. I lost my fucking virginity. Whoopty doo. I finally had sex. I should be happy right, discovering what it feels like to have the most intimate thing on Earth. Bullshit. That's what I think. Absolute bull.

How the fuck could anyone think sex is amazing? I can't even think about having it again after how I lost my virginity. Maybe I'd feel different if I actually had consensual sex. Yep, you heard it first hand. I'm a rape victim now. Sex is ruined for me.

Ava's laughing because of how I phrased it. I mean it does sound crazy: how can be intimacy ruined? In many ways mother, in many ways...

So yeah, I came back a mess. My makeup ruined by tears and probably with my clothes on wrong. Dad had a lot of questions...

I just told him I was going to bed and that I'd tell him tomorrow. I didn't last till the next day. I ended up not sleeping that night, more or less breaking down as I told him what happened. He wasn't too happy, probably pissed that I didn't know better, but he said it wasn't my fault.

I still got grounded.

That brings us to where we are today. Ethan backed me into a corner at school and he said he's been going crazy without me. I mean, that wasn't enough for me to come back so I just ignored him. He then started talking about how he wasn't in his right mind and stuff, saying the drugs and alcohol got to him. Absolute BS. Honestly.

But somewhere in my heart, I was aching. I still loved him, really, but what he did couldn't really be forgiven. Even if it only happened once. But me, like the fool I am, forgave him. I more or less said fuck what my dad and friends think, and get back with the guy who raped you. Who would probably do it again because you'd forgive him and not press charges or anything. I'm such a ditz...

Anyway, I told dad about what I thought. It...didn't end well. We more or less fell into some huge argument and I stormed out, saying I was staying at Ava's for the week. I know it's not the best 'escape' since Ava's parents are friends with dad, but I didn't care at that point. I just needed some space.

Now you know the full story. I feel worse about it now. I know that dad's right, even Ava's agreeing with him (she usually takes my side). Plus, dad only wants what's best for me. I'm all he has left of you after all...

Thanks for letting me vent. It's better than telling someone face to face cause I know you won't judge. It's helped to clear my head. I'm actually gonna head back home now, I've tortured dad enough.

Let's hope he's still not pissed: if so I may not see the light of day again!

Wish me luck,

Lilith