Alyssa: Hey peeps! I know it's been 2 years but I've been working on fanfics for awile but I haven't post it them because I've been lazy and unmotivated.
Pam: That's not true!
Serena: Yeah tell her new girl! Love the name change too, by the way!
Alyssa: Thanks you two!
Pam: She doesn't own either of us!
Serena: Or the Office and NBC
Alyssa: Hope you enjoy!
"Hey Jimmy!" Pam greeted her best friend with a smile. Jim smirked a tiny bit. Jim and Pam were going strong and were excited for the 'fun' run that was tomorrow. The clock struck five and everyone was already rushing to the door. By the time Jim got to her, everyone was gone besides the lovebirds.
"Hey Pammy, what's with the nickname?" Jim asked her. He had no idea what was going on but it just made himself feel weird. Not as weird as Dwight, but weird nonetheless.
"Don't know what you're talking about Jimmy? I always call you Jimmy, Jimmy," She told him as her smile grew. His smirk died down as she kept saying Jimmy. Jimm-sorry Jim, who was having an internal panic attack, tried to do the Jim thing and started to chuckle. He internally cringed at this. Why?
"Pam, oh Pammy wammy ding dong…" He told her and Pam's smile began to fade as the conversation followed suit. Oh, and add Jim's expression because that smile was fading away too. He grabbed his coat from the racket and walked back to the receptionist.
"Are you excited for dinner at Alfredo's, J-Jimmy?" She giggled to her boyfriend. Jim gave off a heavy sigh. Why is that name so weird to me? It hits and stings…
"Of course, Pampers," He told her with a hint of aggression. Pam looked began to stare at the ground, its nice texture seemed to be more and more interesting. Pam, finally, gave off a big sigh to Jim.
"Y'know...back on that jinx when you couldn't talk," She started, briefly glancing at Jim to see if he followed, "I said that you could tell me anything you wanted…"
"Yeah? What about it Bammer?" Jim asked, trying to brighten the mood. Pam did giggle but it quickly died down. She held Jim's hand that was closest to her and squeezed it.
"I told you… I told you that you could tell me anything, I wasn't joking…" She trailed off. They met eyes and Jim quickly looked away.
"Ok, yeah you're definitely hiding something from me Halpert!" She said with a small sad smile. Jim just laughed it off. He squeezed her hand back and Pam's smile stayed there.
"I won't deny it Pam, I won't deny it," Jim told her as he put his hands up in surrender. Pam just nodded. She got up from her terrible office chair and grabbed her large pink cardigan, gesturing Jim to follow, who did so reluctantly. They pushed the one on the elevator and then re-opened their conversation.
"Is this about our relationship, Jim?"
"Of course not, Pam!"
"Then what is it about?"
"None of your concern…"
"Jim, you're in a relationship with your best friend who doesn't want a repeat of Roy. It's all my concern."
"Well, for now it's just mine. Not. Yours. At least not yet."
"At leas- what does that even mean?!"
The elevator doors opened to the lobby and they both said their goodbyes to each other in a little worse mood.
"I still love good ol' Beesly, this argument won't get in the way of anything," Jim told himself as he got in the car. He turned the keys and began to start his car when he glanced at his area and began to frown. It was just a name, that's all. Why am I doing this…
He put his hands on the wheel and his eyes on the road and began to drive. As he drove he started to rethink his whole life over.
Maybe… maybe I'm gay. I could be, I could talk to Oscar but then he would know about all this and do I really need him to know? Think Jim… even that is starting to feel weird. It was weird before but now… it just feels incorrect. Gay is when you like the same sex, right? But I don't like Dwight, Roy, Oscar, Kevin, Ryan, Michael, any of them. What about… OH! That one time where all of us were in the ladies room… It felt right. Or when Dwight called me a girl, that felt really good. Man if only I was- oh no.
When Jim pulled into the apartment, he had a look of terror on his face. He closed the door of the car and headed inside and went straight to his room. His butt went straight to the wooden office chair and his tomato hands went to open his laptop. His other beet red hand grasped the mouse and began to open google.
I'm a man but being called a girl makes me feel good, is this normal?
Initially searching, all he got were book links, however one caught his eye.
Young, Disabled and LGBT+: Voices, Identities and Intersections
.com › books
experienced bullying from family ('I've been called every name under the sun by ... ('if you dress as a woman we'll cut your clothes up with scissors': Jennifer). ... ('they make me feel like I am some kind of weirdo or something when I'm not': Anthony). ... I just want to be like a normal, but, not normal, but, I don't want to [have a ...
His eyes glanced to the LGBT+ and the description of someone wanting to be normal but without his or her wanker. Im not british. Jim's eyes then went to the search bar and proceeded to type:
LGBT+
As soon as he did he clicked on a link that showed him what each letter meant.
Alright, so L means lesbians and thats when girls like girls, g is gay which means boys like boys, b is bisexual which means you like both. That leaves t which means- His brain sort of clicked when he saw what it meant. It means transgender, or in other words… someone who doesn't agree with their sex, i.e. a 'man' feels more like a woman so she is one or a 'woman' feels more like a man so he is one. To know the difference, the term "Transgender (or trans) Man" refers to a man with the previous sex of woman and "Transgender (or trans) Woman" refers to a woman with the previous sex of a man. For more information click this link to find out more information.
Jim immediately clicked the link, sending him to a article about terms and such of a trans man or woman. He skimmed through it and found an eventual link that sent him to a 'trans test' which would tell him if he was actually a woman. But I'm in a relationship with Pam. I can't be transgender. He thought as he began the test. But by the end that wasn't true.
You finished the quiz, your final score being:
27/29
Probability of being transgender:
93.10%
Although 93.1% is very high, there is still a small chance you aren't. However, most people who are transgender refuse to accept it because they can't believe it. Even if you are transgender, this doesn't mean you can do all manly things or all girly things. You can still like sports if your a transgender female, and you can still like fashon if your a transgender male. I hope this test helped you realize the real you!
"Oh god," Jim told himself as he put his hands on his head. And great, now i'm starting to hate my voice. How could this get any worse. He thought to himself.
"Le- *changes pitch a bit* Let's try something," That felt kinda good. He said out loud. He opened up google translate, and even though it was released a year ago, it had a speech option to say something back. He changed the voice to one similar to Pam and typed down his message. He clicked the speaker button and it relayed the info back to him.
"Jim, you're the best girlfriend I could ask for. At first you seemed like a sister to me but the more I think about it, the more I realize we are meant for more than that, chica. Love you, girlfriend."
When it finished, Jim started to break down in tears. He (She really) was raised to believe that men were supposed to be strong, with no emotion and no tears. So she quickly tried to stop crying but figured that it was no use.
"I…. I…. I'm a woman..." Jim told herself as she got up and sat on her bed, crying a thousand tears on her green, blue, brown, and black striped bed. She grabbed a similarly coloured blue pillow and pulled it to her face. The pillows took the relentless tears that fell for twenty minutes. She heard the door open and peaked to see who it was but only went back as soon as she saw who it was.
"Jim?" She asked her 'boy'friend. She didn't get a nod or anything, besides the tears. Pam stood still at the door frame, beginning to look at the computer that was lighting up the dark room.
"No, don't…. Please don't," she whimpered out. Pam took a shaky breath before retracting her eyes from the screen.
"Th-thank you Pam," Jim stuttered out, her tears beginning to finally cool down.
"Are you okay… do you want me to come in? Do you… want to cuddle? Or do you-" She was cut off by a slam of a pillow to her skeletons by the lamp, which caused the frame to fall.
Pam, even through all the darkness could see the tear marks and Jim's eyes that were completely red and dried of tears.
"Oh Jim!" She said in a very caring voice. She walked in and without looking closed the laptop. Jim's eyes widened as she sat in the office chair and moved it forward.
"Did ya like that one Jimmy-boy!" She said with an arrogant look and a goofy smile. Although the woman should be happy that her girlfriend is doing this all for her, she just doesn't like being called Jimmy and boy. Let alone in the same sentence.
"Hey, Ji- I'm sorry okay. I didn't know you didn't like being called Jimmy. I can stop, okay?" She asked in a soft, gentle voice. Jim's tears told her the answer.
"Babe," Pam started with a caring look as gears began to shift about finding out what was wrong with her sweet 'boy'friend. Jim grabbed the other light blue pillow that was so soft you could easily fall asleep in seconds if you're tired. He put that on his face.
"Can we play a little game? ...What am I saying, I haven't even told you the rules."
No laughter, just silence.
"I'll ask you any questions I want and the only thing you can answer with is yes or no. Does that sound fair, and if you don't want to do a question… I'll let you skip it. Do we have a deal, boyfriend?" Jim's emotions completely let out and she began to cry louder. She felt an arm touch her shoulder, instantly tensing her up.
"Sorry, do you wanna just hug?" Pam asked her. She saw the pillow go up and down so she got up from the chair and sat on Jim's left. Pam's two arms magnetically connected to Jim, who was still crying, however, it was getting fainter with the passing seconds.
"I'm sorry Pam…" Jim told her in a small voice.
"I wish I could tell you what's on my mind but I can't take that risk," Pam gave Jim a look, who's pillow was now on the office chair that urged her to keep going.
"I have the best girlfriend, in a eh job, with people who are amazing. I can't put my relationship on the line. Not now. Not when I've waited so long. I… I can tell you when I'm ready. Just… just don't call me Jimmy, okay…" Jim told her, now 10x more nervous then when Pam walked in initially.
"Babe, I don't want to lose this either. I finally have you… why would I pick anyone else?" Pam told her with a very loving and thoughtful voice. Jim just scoffed.
"If only you knew, Pam. You would break this relationship if I told you what I was doing on the laptop, if I told you what I really was, if I told you how I was really feeling!" Jim finished with a scream. Pam's levels of anger started to raise. If there was one thing that Pam hated, it was when people screamed or yelled at her.
"You really think I would, Halpert?" She jabbed at him. Jim looked at her dead in the eye.
"Without a thought!" He yelled at her.
"Really?"
"Really!"
"Okay, Jim, give me one reason why I haven't dumped you yet, even though you play pranks on everyone in the office, you don't take anything seriously, and you don't take issues head on. You just run away like a coward!"
"I'm the coward Pam, I AM?! Your the one who didn't leave a toxic and unhealthy relationship because you didn't want to hurt his feelings!"
"Really Jimmy-"
"SHUT UP!"
…
Pam got up and left the room to get a glass of water and then left the place. Her anger just decided to screw up her head and she decided against the water. Her feet screemed with each step as she got to her car. Her mind had stopped thinking as soon as she started arguing with Jim.
"To think pizza would have been fun!" She angrily huffed.
…
What's wrong with me…
…
Jim was the first one to arrive at the office and she immediately went to the kitchen. She started to brew some coffee when she had the urge to go to the bathroom. She checked to make sure she was the only one in the office and when she saw she was, she headed straight in the ladies room.
She bolted straight to the stall and locked herself in to do a #1 and a #2. She tried to concentrate but the same thought was in her head: apologies to Pam. Jim tried so hard to forget the conversation she had with her last night because she feels as bad about Meredith as she does for Pam (a pretty good amount, how would you feel if you got hit by a car). She was about to exit the stall when she heard a girl walk into the bathroom. How is someone here? I thought it was just me! The woman tried to open the stall but obviously it was locked with a 'man' inside.
"I'd appreciate whoever is in there to finish up," Pam spoke in a soft voice.
"Pam-" Jim started to say but cut herself off.
"JIM! What are you doing here?! Woman's room, woman's room. Not man's room, man's room!" Pam screeched. Jim could feel herself starting to cry but quickly shushed herself up and held back the tears. She quickly flushed, unlocked the lock, and ran out of the women's room. She could feel Pam penetrating her core with a hard glare.
Jim quickly found the coffee she was making earlier and checked if it was ready. Lucky for her it was and she poured herself some of it in a small yellow tinted cup, similar to a starbucks one. She put a lid on it and grabbed one of the black stirring rods and began to stir the milk and the coffee together. When she finished, she put the coffee back on the coffee machine and sat down at the circle table.
The day has just freaking started and I'm already looking stupid, infront of my GIRLFRIEND!
Jim waited a few more minutes, like a minute in half or so, for the coffee to get cooler, but not ice cold. Just warm enough so she could sip it. Just as she was doing so, she heard the door behind her open and close.
Pam walked by the coffee and decided to pour herself some and then sit at Jim's table.
"Jim, do you want to explain yourself?" Pam asked her with a mom face that had disappointment in it. The one where she gave you the look after you did something you weren't supposed to do. Jim sighed and sipped the coffee a little bit more.
"Your bathroom just smells really nice and I wanted to use it," Jim replied, not looking up to her. Pam shot Jim a face that told her she knew she was lying and that she better tell the truth or she wouldn't be around much longer.
"As much as I really would like to tell you, Pam…. I just can't," Pam took her coffee in the same type of cup as Jim did and walked over to her and sat on the chair opposite to her girlfriend.
"Why not, Jimm- sorry, I'm so sorry, Jim. Why not, Jim," She said as she masked her face. Jim was about to reply when she looked up and saw that her girlfriend's hands were on her face and that there was dripping water going down both of them.
"Pam… I think we feel the same way about this relationship. Nod if you agree please, but we wouldn't trade it for the world right?" Jim asked as she saw Pam's head shook up and down.
"Jim… even we were both guys or gals-"
"Gals?" Jim said in a shocked tone, earning some giggles from Pam.
"Yes Jim, gals. Can't say that word, can I?" She asked with tears still in her eyes.
"Just didn't think you were from Texas, that's all partna'," Jim told her with a little arm swing like a cowboy. Pam began to giggle again.
"Can you just, I don't know, let me finish?" She asked as polite as possible.
"Of course, cowgirl. Pleasure is all mine!" Jim told her with her most southern cowboy impression (Hey, there could be Northern, or Eastern, or West- wait there actually is Western. Point is that this is a Southern Cowboy Impression. (Deal with it)).
"Jim, listen… I don't care about what's here (points to her chest) or here (points to her crotch), I care about what's in here (she pointed to her heart). Jim, I love you for who you are, not what you are. I love that you're kind, sweet, honorable, and just an overall nice guy. Sure you can be quiet sometimes and a bit of slob, but so can I!" Pam said as she took Jim's hand and squeezed her hand.
"That's why I'll always be there for you…" Pam finished. Jim and Pam both smiled at each other
"Pam… *deep breath* meet me in my car, 11:19. I'll leave at 11:15, you have to leave at 19 so it doesn't seem like a couple," She said as she looked in the eyes of her bestest friend (Yes better than Michael, but don't tell anyone she said that…. Correction, don't tell Michael, he would flip.) and saw her face giving her a genuinely real smile and it made Jim light up.
"Thank you, Dwight," She told her. Jim smirked and went back to her hot cup of jo.
Then drinked their hot coffee.
Just like old friends.
Michael was watching a somewhat sad Pam pick up the ringing phone.
"Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin scranton meredith palmer memorial celebrity rabies awareness fun run race for cure…" She trailed off and looked at Michael to see if it was right.
"Pro Am…" He told her in a disappointing tone.
"Pro Am race for- They hung up." She told him. Michael sunk back, thinking this was hopeless, but still smiled to the now apparent cameras.
"Alright Pam, next time you need to sound more happier, less you. Let's run it from the top, Pamalama ding dong," He told her with a grin on his face, looking at the camera again. Pam just glared at him.
"Don't call me that," She said to his face.
"Whatever, do you even care about this. We are trying to raise awareness for a cure. Not sell paper, today at least, yeah." He told her, occasionally glancing back at the camera.
Jim checked the time on the computer, 11:12. Now or never. She took a deep breath.
"Hey, Michael," Jim greeted Michael. Michael turned around just like the cameras did. She looked at the cameras then looked at Michael.
"I forgot my running gear at home, can I get it?" She asked, her breath getting sharper and sharper and faster and faster.
"Jimbo, um, yeah. How long's the drive?" Michael asked as Jim got a tiny bit shakier.
"You've been to my apartment, right? Crashed the party? I think it's ten there and ten back," She nervously spoke.
"Okay, Jimmy, well see you then!"
Her whole body stopped for a second. She grabbed her phone and silently walked out. Pam just watched, unable to do anything. She felt so bad for him, she was the one that started it and she just wanted it to go back to normal. She just wanted her Jim back.
She anxiously checked her watch and waited for it to turn 11:17 and sure enough it turned 11:17 and she immediately got up and walked out of the room. Michael was currently in his office and this would be the best chance. She jotted down a post-it with where she was going:
Hey Michael, this is Pam. I forgot my lunch at my house so I'm gonna quickly run over and get it.
She grabbed her phone and walked out and to the elevator of the building. With one touch of the button she was out of the office. She walked over to the Aero, Jim's car, and knocked on the window of it. The car buzzed and she got into the front seat, right next to her best friend. Jim was completely red in the face.
"Jim, you're like the biggest tomato I've seen! Turn down the air conditioning!" Pam exclaimed with a worried face. Jim quickly locked the doors.
"Pam, that-that wastes gas. I can't waste gas," Jim told her with a face full of just so much emotions. Quickly, Pam thought back to Michael's comments and hugged her.
"I'm sorry, Jim. Michael… you know him, he says stuff without thinking- he doesn't know it would hurt you and I don't think he saw what I saw," Pam told her with reason. She broke the hug and looked back to Jim, who was a little shocked.
"Wow Be-Beesly…" Jim trailed off. Pam let her finish, not wanting to lose her.
"So, I told you to come here this morning because I have some things to share with you," Her voice started to dip and show her nervousness. Keep them in, don't let them show. She took a short breath and looked at her girl friend.
"I… I took a test last night because of how I was feeling about the Jimmy thing and how uncomfortable I've been for the last few years and how it's been growing more and more. And the results were that… I'm transgender…" She trailed off and looked to the ground. Pam's smile faded.
"You aren't joking, are you?" Pam said quietly. Jim looked back up to her face.
"..." Jim just didn't know what to say. Pam brought her closer to her and hugged her while starting to break into tears.
"So I guess… *sigh*... this is the part where we break up right?" She asked as Pam's crying ended and she looked back at Jim. Jim's face was still filled with a ton of emotion, by far the biggest being sadness.
Pam then kissed her right on the lips. Tears were still in her eyes as they broke apart.
"Ji- Sorry, did you wanna go by anything else?" Pam asked as Jim started to smile, "C'mon Halpert… what's your real name!" She asked as tears began to stop and a smile grew from Beesly's face.
"...Haven't even thought about a new name…" She thought out loud as Pam began to laugh, "What's got you laughing now?"
"Well the fun run is gonna be a lot of fun now!" She told her with a big smile and Jim's nervous look started to crumble as she laughed. The laughter died down.
"Well, Halpert, I don't think you heard what I said this morning so I'll tell you again. I don't care if we are both girls or both boys or both aliens or both dogs, I love you… and for the record, nothing has changed in me, I still love you!" She said as Jim smiled.
"Thank you, Beesly," Jim said as she felt warmness flutter around her eyes.
"The pleasure is all mine… my girlfriend…" She said in a whisper. Jim turned away from her and felt more heat rise to her cheeks as tears exploded from her. Pam's entire stature froze like a statue.
"Did I do something wrong, Halpert? I'm sor-"
Jim turned around and hugged her as tears fell down from her.
When Pam got back to the office, she wanted to badly help her girlfriend with finding a name that she did that until around twelve. She finally stopped when Michael gave her a paper of the flyer.
She looked it over and it looked pretty good, just one little error she could find was the 5k being 5,000. She smiled at this and looked at the camera.
"He thinks 5k means five thousand," She said to the crew. Jim looked up to Pam who put an L to her head and pointed at Michael's office. She got up and went over to Michael's office.
"Michael, 5k isn't 5 thousand miles, its 5 kilometers," She knocks at the door and hears an okay from Michael.
"OH MY GOD!" Pam screeched as she opened the door and saw Michael's naked bottom half.
"What are you doing in here, Pam!" Michael asked as he struggled to put on his shorts.
"YOU SAID I COULD COME IN!" She continued to yell to the man that had just ruined her life and was scared for life.
"No I didn't, get out, NOW!" He said as he continued to struggle.
"Oh my god!" she said as she immediately closed the door. She turned around and Jim was looking at her, a huge smile on her face.
"Wipe that grin off your face, Halpert, or so help me I will slap you." She told her with pointed daggers.
Jim and Pam decided to head off to Pam's car for lunch because they wanted to talk in secret without any cameras.
"Why are we going to my car this time?" Pam asked as she looked at her counterpart.
"Because, for like the second time, we went to mine last time. Only makes sense," She told her.
"Yeah your right," Pam told Jim with a gracious smile. As soon as they got in the car, they killed their mics, like they did last time, and began to conversate.
"Oh my god, lets not beat around the bush, J- Halpert! I saw Michael's uhh…" She began. Jim smirked with a huge grin as she began to open her bag.
"Ding-dong?" Jim tried to finish and Pam just nodded her head.
"Yeah, and it was really wrong and gross and I wanna just unsee it but I can't… ahhhh it's very frustrating!" She exclaimed as Jim just laughed.
"Stop laughing, Cinderella!" She yapped. Jim blushed a tiny bit but kept on laughing.
"I'm sorry but… that's hilarious!"
"Is it, Halpert?" Pam seriously asked her. Jim's smirk went away.
"Not really… sorry," She apologized to her girl friend who looked at her thoughtfully.
"Apology accepted, hmmmm…" Pam trailed off as she put her finger to her chin and began to think.
"What is it Beesly, are you think of some way to kill me because I lau-
"Only if we go shopping tomorrow- I mean only if you want to, I don't want to rush you of course and I want to take it however you want and-
"That's what she said!" Jim yelled as Pam covered her ears.
"Heyy, why'd you interrupt me?" Pam wined to her daisy.
"Real question is why did you interrupt my better sentence?"
"Your better sentence? Huh-Pa-Lease, mine was actually thinking about you even if it was going long," She told her, "So what do you say, buttercup?"
"I… don't know?" Jim honestly responded, Pam just ate her salad that was dipped with ranch and with bits of carrots and onions.
"Don't worry, we will take it slow if you want?" Pam suggested.
"Pam… I wish I could tell you everything, my name, my favorite clothing, my measurements, and everything I've ever wanted. But I just don't know," She finished her eyes dripping with melancholy. Jim took a small bite from her ham sandwich, trying her best to mind her manners.
"Listen, sugar, it's fine…. I was gonna tell you later but I've been researching names and meanings and everything and I was gonna tell you during the fun run, cause I assume we are going to go to the back, right?" Jim nodded her head.
"But, I'll go through at least the first of like eight pages now?" She guessed whilst Jim nodded again.
"Alright, I tell you each name and if you like it more, what it means, sounds good?" Pam asked her girl friend.
"Yep, let's do this!" She said, trying to raise her voice.
"Jennifer?"
"No"
"Melissa?"
"No"
"Jessica?"
"No"
"Amy?"
"No"
"Heather?"
"No"
"Angela"
"Heck no!"
"Sarah?"
"Nope"
…
"Danielle"
"No, we are getting like nowhere!" Jim frustratingly yelled, "We don't have much time left Pam, we need to head back soon so we don't seem suspicious,"
"Calm down okay babe? Listen, we got this, I don't care how long this takes, we will find one!" Pam told her, determined as ever. Jim and Pam had been searching what seemed like an hour, but really was only ten minutes, However, the time was about to hit one o'clock. Pam and Jim had both thrown their lunches out at the garbage can nearby and were just chatting in the car.
Jim nodded her head, looking a little anxious.
"How many do we even have left? Five? Six?" Jim asked her sugarpie.
"Around eight… alright let's keep going. Tiffany?" Pam asked
"Nope, too girly,"
"Okay how about Erica?"
"That sounded… okay, what's the next one?"
"Emma…" Pam said slowly, looking at Jim to see her frozen like a statue. Jim's nose started to sniffle as Pam's head started to get a lightbulb effect.
"Well, Emma I guess we found your name?" Pam asked with a big, proud grin. Emma engulfed Pam in a hug.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" She repeated. Emma's mind was like a dance party, with everyone dancing and cheering and having a blast. I can't believe my name is finally correct! God, what is family even going to even say? So many thoughts were being thought.
"So, Emma, what do you want me to call you when we aren't like this?" Pam graciously asked Emma. Emma, who in turn blushed, just told her to call her Halpert and babe.
"Well thanks again, I don't know how you do it!" She told her girlfriend.
"Oh stop it, you're making me blush, babe!" Pam giggled. The two hopped out of the car after some giggling and catching up. Only an hour or so til the fun run, so they have to get ready.
Emma's POV
After Michael threw up and was rushed to the hospital because of his dumb choice to not drink any water, Pam and I decided to crash at my place. I was, and still am, a little nervous to see her again. We both took off our equipment when we got into my car and immediately crashed our lips against one another's.
We decided to put on no radio, a conversation that would usually be going on wasn't really needed. I just wanted to think for this car ride about everything else in my life and my future.
Where do I start? How do I change my name? Go to the doctors? Would my parents even care?
I started to breathe faster
Would Pam's family want me to marry her? Would Pam want me to marry her? Would anyone want me to marry her?
I felt pain rise to my head and blood pump faster to my head.
Would the office want me to stay? Would the landlord kick me out of his apartment? Would I be homeless?
I began to sweat more and more, as my breathing became hyperventilating.
Would my family disown me? How could I make money to keep my life? Would anyone hire me?
I couldn't feel my hands or feet anymore.
How long will it take for me to be? Will I like the new me? Will anyone like the new me?
Then I felt my whole brain freeze as I began to turn into the apartment's street.
Would Pam like the new me?
If it wasn't for Pam, I would likely be dead! She keeps me motivated, she keeps me healthy and sane. If she hates me, could I keep living, could I keep whatever happiness I still have? I honestly don't know if I could. She just has that effect on me and everyone else in our branch- no everyone who knows her.
If it wasn't for Pam, I wouldn't have realized where the apartment was as I heard squeak a "Turn" and I performed my worst right turn, very abrupt and hasty. I released a deep breath I didn't even know I had and managed to park the car in one piece. My body went from panic, to stress, to panic in just a few seconds.
I felt myself hyperventilating, struggling to breathe as sweat was all over my head. The control I once had seem to leave me as I began to crumple my posture, slumping in my seat. I could see Pam's expression as she turned to me.
Worry and fear.
"J-Emma?" She immediately asked, blinking as she messed up my name.
I immediately parked the car in one of the lots (I didn't care for details at that time). My hands that were on the wheel went from on it to on my face as I began to shed tears. My breathing was still erratic. Everything just felt like it was coming in on me at once. The family's expectations, other people's expectations, My expectations, Pam's expectations. They felt… insurmountable.
"Emma, breathe for me. In and out, like this," Pam instructed while she took a deep breathe in and then a deep breathe out.
"See, now you try, okay?" Pam caringly told me, as I took a deep breathe in, waited a second or so, and then released it.
"Wonderful, keep it up okay, if you need me to do anything just ask, kay?" Pam continued as her face showed sympathy. I kept taking those breaths as tears kept flying and I eventually began to sob and sob.
My nose sniffled as I sob louder. I felt Pam's hand gently touch my shoulder. My head just stared at the car floor. Stare is a bad term, my eyes were constantly blinking from the tears. I'm pretty sure they are red. If not red, they will be in a few minutes.
My panic attack didn't seem to stop as breathing was still erratic, not as crazy as before but still bad.
"I can't… can't…can't…breathe…" I mustered in between my turbulent breathing patterns (Andy would be proud of that word choice) and raspy voice. I felt Pam's hand move around my shoulder, rubbing as much as you could for that little space.
"Halpert, listen to my voice, kay?" Pam asked me with a soft, sad face. I think I nodded my head because I heard her gentle voice keep going.
"Think of a… a safe place. A nice place like home or the car or something like that," She told me.
I closed my eyes and began to search my mind to find that safe, peaceful place. My head wondered and finally found that place. My room. My apartment room.
That room meant so much to me. It was a place where I could just relax and be me and do what I want to do. I could do research that no one could see, I could say what I want and no one could care, I could play a game that people hated and enjoy.
A place where I could be with no one judging me.
"Good, good you're doing amazing!" She encouraged me with her sweet voice. And now that she mentioned it, I did feel my breathing was a bit more controlled and comfortable.
I think this was the first time I was glad to feel my sweaty feet. I'm such a wreck, Pam doesn't deserve this at all.
"I'm sorry-
"No, no don't do this Emma. It's not your fault. You're okay and that's what's important, okay?" Pam reassured me. My hands were covered in wet tears so I began to wipe them on my hairy legs. My ugly legs.
I felt heat rise to my cheeks, not only from my name but from how embarrassed I was for her to see me this bad, this destructive.
"We… we should go inside…" I told her, trying to raise my voice.
"Yeah, let's go…" She trailed off as she unlocked the car door. They walked hand and hand to their apartment, both with very confused looks.