"Damn…"
"Hey, everything okay?" Vanessa went to Kim. Sitting on the ground and completely surrounded by piles of files, the woman was trying to tidy up the bullpen.
It was a rare tranquility period, they had no particular cases so they could all work to fixing what, for one reason or another, remained pending.
"Tomorrow I have to go to court to testify and I can't find my notes on the case! Damn it!" She mumbled nervously for a few minutes before getting up triumphantly with a large file in her hands.
"In two months it had managed to end up in much older files, incredible! Hailey, can you get me a copy?" She yelled seeing her already dealing with the copier.
The woman, now resigned to making photocopies all morning, had just opened the file giving it a quick read, while she waited for her latest documents to be photocopied, when the date and the case made her turn on a light in her brain.
A case of two months earlier, she remembered it well. Was a clear night but the temperature was glacial. She had been curled up in Jay's truck all night checking their suspect, the thermos of hot coffee did very little for the cold, but above all the pounding headache and the cramps had made her irritable and sore all night. It was really difficult to forget one of the most painful period of the past few months.
She jerked her head up, her eyes wide staring at the calendar hanging on the wall.
No, no, no.
"Vanessa, you'll go on that, don't you? Thanks" She reached her jacket wearing it quickly and reaching to Voight's office.
"Sarge, I have to go out. Twenty minutes and back. Sorry and thank you" She practically finished the sentence already on the stairs, leaving behind the confused faces of the whole unit.
She ran to the pharmacy down the street - risking getting hit by cars twice but she didn't even realize it. She entered and left the pharmacy in record time and, risking of getting hit another couple of times, returned to the district. She managed to avoid even Platt and literally threw herself down the stairs to the garage and bathroom she knew was always empty.
She leaned her forehead against the already closed door forcing her lungs to function properly.
"Okay Hailey. Breathe, just breathe" She murmured hoping to calm her mad heartbeat.
Undoing her jeans and peeing had never been so difficult. She looked at her watch staring at the rhythmic movement of the hands for an infinite time and, when five minutes had already passed, she moved her gaze to the stick resting next to her.
Damn.
She went up to the office and reached her desk like a ghost. Saying her mind was traveling miles per hour was wrong. Her mind was simply frozen, stuck who knows where.
"You okay?" Jay's voice reached her from far away.
"Uh?" Hailey looked confusedly at him realizing he was staring at her with a puzzled expression.
"You have been standing up there for five minutes. You okay? Where did you run away?"
"Uh, oh, yeah, of course" She quickly sat down leaving her hands on her desk. Her mind still frozen. She managed to thinking to an answer before sinking her head between the file to be tidied. Telling him that she had gone to the pharmacy to get something for her headache seemed a reasonable excuse - but then again, Jay knew her so weel - and when she saw him squint in her direction studying her, she understood he hadn't buy it. But it didn't matter, she had something else on her mind.
...
It was already late when she heard Vanessa go up the stairs. She immediately hid the small photo under the pillow waiting to see her appear through the door.
"Hey, I thought you were tired. Everyone sends love, by the way. How you feeling?" Vanessa staggered to her bed before diving into.
"Better, the headache is getting better" She lied leaning against the headboard.
"I thought Halstead would come here, but then I saw him come to Molly. It was fun seeing Adam looking for a woman for him. Jay was completely uncomfortable!" Vanessa rolled on her back laughing. This gave Hailey a good idea of how much she was drunk.
"Uh, no. I didn't hear anything from Jay tonight. But it must have been fun" She said with a forced smile.
Then she gently pushed her to sit and invited her out.
Suddenly, even Vanessa's company made her suffocate. She wanted to be alone, to roll on her bed and in her thoughts as much as possible. Was she selfish maybe?
She closed the door behind her roommate and threw herself between the covers. Her hand slipped under the pillow, dragging what she before had hid so quickly.
She thought about Vanessa's words and, with a little bit of bitterness, she realized she would be surprised if Jay had texted her or had come to her place. It had not been happening for some time. Of course, after a difficult case for one of them, they met for a drink, but always at Molly - a place where everyone knew them and could therefore maintain that reasonable distance between them.
Something had changed imperceptibly between them after what happened and what they said to each other. Hailey knew it and got it. She got why he had changed his attitude towards her. She understood it but had hoped it wouldn't happen.
On the field, he was still the best partner she would ever wished for, but they had moved away from each other.
Understandable but painful.
She sighed turning over what she held in her hands without really looking at it. The day just past swirled in her head leaving her unable to sleep.
...
"Hey Natalie. Can I talk to you?" Hailey approached the woman who finally appeared at the nurses' desk. She had waited for her for more than an hour sitting in the most hidden and withdrawn chair of the entire ER.
She looked at her slightly surprised, before smiling and gesturing to follow her.
Hailey closed the hospital door behind her, carefully checking that she hadn't been seeing.
She turned to stare at Natalie who was looking at her still slightly confused.
"Okay Hailey, what can I do for you?" She asked after a few moments of silence.
Hailey, still motionless in front of the door, looked around feeling a weight on her chest like she were about to suffocate. The walls of that room were too narrow for her.
"I…I could be pregnant" She said in one breath, "I mean, I'm pretty sure I am. But…could you just confirm it?"
Only at the end she realized the voice that reached her own ears was so different from her usual voice. As if another person had spoken, as if she were stranger to herself.
In every move she made, she displayed a calmness she didn't really have. She felt as if there was a war going on within herself, but a really big war - one of those wars from which you come out alive or dead, and even if you come out alive you are surely seriously injured.
She sat down on the hospital bed, closing her eyes briefly. Maybe if she pretended to be somewhere else, she would wake up from what had all the assumptions of being a nightmare.
"Do you have any idea how long you could be pregnant?" Natalie spoke bringing her back to Earth, then in front of her confused gaze she continued, "We can decide what to do. If you believe you have recently, we'll do a blood test, instead if the period is longer we'll do an ultrasound…"
"What about a month and a half?"
"Let's do the ultrasound then. Take off your jacket, lie down and lift your shirt" She explained step by step what she would do. Hailey found herself nodding like she was in school, like she was listening to a lesson knowing she would have to take a test afterwards.
Every fiber of her body was so used to physical trauma that she didn't even notice the cold gel Natalie had poured on her belly.
She turned her head to the screen on her right only to notice, after a few moments, a series of confused images that had absolutely no meaning for her, but that evidently meant everything for Natalie.
"You're definitely pregnant, Hailey. Congratulations!"
Then she continued pointing out what her baby must have been. But Hailey really wasn't particularly sure what she was saying, she was stuck in confirming that she was really pregnant. Natalie may even have just listed her grocery list that Hailey would have nodded pretending to listen to her.
She really couldn't be pregnant. What did she know about children? She hadn't had sex for years and then what? A week of sex was enough for all this. Seriously?
The universe was definitely conspiring against her.
Damn.
She was getting dressed in silence when Natalie caught her attention again. Holding out two small black and white sheets, "One for you and one for the father" She said kindly smiling at her.
"Yeah, sure. Thanks."
A sentence that came out more like a strangled sound.
She opened the door and disappeared into the hospital corridors like a shadows.
I'm so fucked - she thought bitterly in the pouring Chicago rain.
...
She returned to present when a flash of lightning lit her dark room. She didn't need light to see what she was holding in her hands. She stared at that photo for hours and hours without moving from her bed and now she could clearly saw the first photo of her baby with her eyes closed.
Damn it.
Hi guys!
Here I am with a new story. I had it in mind for a while but I had not yet found the courage to start it!
It will probably be a bit longer than my others FF, but I want to be honest with you and tell you that its length will depend a lot on how much you like it.
Until now, you have all been really nice to me and I will never stop thanking you for all the nice words you wrote me in my other fan fiction.
But above all, I thank everyone for the time, whether it is a lot or a little, that you use to leave me your opinion! It's really important to me!
I love you all, H.