By now spring had made its way openly in Chicago, which now shone with the shining green of trees and grass and the bright colors of flowers. In the morning, the air was still crisp, but during the day the spring breeze made her face lift gladly towards the sun.
The day at the district had been long and boring, all concentrated on writing reports about a case that had occupied almost entirely their week, but the coming of the weekend had lifted everyone's mood.
Hailey looked up from her papers and fixed her gaze on her partner sitting across from her.
She had never tired of observing him.
After three years of partnership, she knew how to recognize his smallest expressions. How he tightened his jaw when was agitated, how his eyebrows trembled if he was happy and didn't want to show it or how he pinched his right ear when was thinking.
She always liked to watch him.
At the beginning, she studied him just to understand how much and when trust him; then, to understand how he reacted to dangerous situations; and in the end, she looked at him just because he was interesting. He might always seem so stoic and expressionless, always controlled, but in reality he was an open book for her. And he was such an interesting book she would have gladly spent hours and hours looking, studying and remembering him.
Two weeks had passed since the two consecutive nights she had spent at his place and spending almost every night there had become an habit for her.
She had continued to carefully avoid any possible conversation about their accommodation after the baby born, but she knew she could not run away much longer.
She would have like to keep things as they were, she was practically always with Jay. But she feared that once they talked about that, Jay would make it clear what he thought after she had dropped him so badly all those months before.
"We were thinking…", Kevin rolled with the chair next to her, "One evening we should all meet, your place or Halstead's, I don't know…because you know, we have some presents…"
"Presents?", she looked at him confused.
"Yeah, for Bean. Kim said it works like this in these situations, so as Bean's family, we've got a lot of presents!"
Kevin never failed to share his enthusiasm for the baby's imminent arrival. He and Vanessa probably were the most electrified.
"But guys, you shouldn't have…", Hailey blushed violently at the thought of what they had done for her.
Adam, who had listened to the conversation, waved a hand carelessly, snorting.
"I'm with Will tonight, but do whatever you want", Jay muttered, writing furiously on the computer.
"No, if you want we can meet tomorrow evening!", Vanessa broke in after emerging from a pile of files.
Still with her mind turned to the sweet thoughts of her friends, Hailey concentrated on ending her report as soon as possible. The idea of going home to rest for a whole weekend was so tempting to push her to write as fast as possible.
It was only when she saw Jay turn off his computer, sign his report and put on his jacket that she realized she was going back to her place tonight.
"Hey, I thought…I'm going home at the same time as Vanessa, so maybe…if you like, when you're done with Will you could come to me…"
She handed him her house keys speaking in a low voice.
"To your place?", the sly smile she received in response made her blush.
"Yeah, don't make it a big problem. One bed is like another, isn't it?"
"Nice keychain, though", he laughed before walking away and greet the others.
A fox-shaped metal keychain he had given her two years earlier, for the second birthday she celebrate with him.
'Foxes are smart and nosy, what other animal could I give you?' She had kept that note into his bedroom bedside table.
...
A few hours had passed but Hailey sighed with contentment when stretched out her legs on the table in front of the sofa sharing a bowl of popcorn with Vanessa.
A film was the background of their chatter. Hailey had been a little out of the world, so, when Vanessa confessed that she had dated a man for few times, she almost choked on popcorn.
"What? And why didn't I know about it?", she spat and then stretched out to take a sip of water.
"You were too busy wooing Halstead with all those pregnancy hormones…"
"I'm not wooing anyone!", she was indignant before realizing Vanessa's rogue gaze.
"You sleep at his place almost every night, now you practically live there… You'll have started to create your mommy's nest there, right?"
The silence followed her words, led Vanessa to lean towards her with wide eyes, "Please, please, please, don't tell me you two haven't spoken yet…"
She was practically begging her.
"We had no chance…"
"Hailey…", Vanessa almost cried with despair, "Do you realize what you have? And no, you'll not run away from this conversation!"
She grabbed her hand before Hailey could disappear into the kitchen.
Hailey felt hunted but maybe she was right, she couldn't keep running away.
"That man…I mean, did you see him? Of course you saw him, you had slept with him… But that's not the point…", Vanessa muttered almost to herself marching in front of Hailey.
"You know it's not just about sex!", she said annoyed.
"Look, I really think I had been the first to understand that wasn't just sex. And this is exactly what terrifies you, which is much more than sex! Hailey", she knelt in front of her taking her hands, "I love you and you know it, but you're such an idiot sometimes! If a man like him looked at me like Jay looks at you, I can swear to you I would find a way to hold him tight! But the biggest problem is that he still thinks not to be enough, not for you!"
Hailey stared at her blankly. Actually she had never seen the thing from this point of view, but she knew Jay enough to understand that it's possible he would think just that.
"What? No, what are you saying?!"
"Hailey, solve this thing. Trust me. Do it for Jay, go beyond what scares you."
Then, wishing her goodnight, she took the empty bowl to the kitchen and marched to her bedroom.
And Hailey stood motionless, her eyes fixed on nothing and her heart racing hard in her chest.
She had risked losing Jay so many times since she knew him and the last time she promised herself to tell him how she felt, but then that courage failed her and they had continued to be just the two of them for months.
And then, it had happened and had been the best week of her life. And, like every time, she had ruined everything.
But Jay was still there, every day, every night. At every step. Did she really deserve such a man?
A well-placed kick to her ribs awakened her from her thoughts and, muttering annoyedly, she went up to her room and slipped directly in bed.
...
"Hey, what time is it?", she muttered in a sleepy voice.
She turned to the other side seeing Jay's frame take off his jeans and get into bed.
"Not even midnight. Sorry if I woke you up but I almost broke my nose against your bedroom door", he muttered massaging it.
"How did you do?", she said holding back the laughter.
"Lights off, I'm not used to your home in the dark… You sure it's not a problem for Vanessa to have me here?"
"Ah, trust me, no problem", she muttered thinking back to her words.
Now that she had decided to talk to him, a part of her wanted to speak immediately to resolve this whole situation. But another part, the more reasonable one, knew well it was better to wait for the next day, when both were fresher and more rested.
She slid closer to him. By now, she wasn't even embarrassed to have him all night only in his boxer. She knew well he love to sleep like this and everything made him rest better was welcome, given the small amount of sleep he had been used to for years.
"A month is missing and I can't take it anymore. I'm huge…", she rubbed her belly, twisting her nose. Action he could perceive with the contact of his shoulder.
"You are always little, Hails. But always able to kick my ass", he added chuckling after a moment.
She felt her eyes slowly closing as his hand slid down her back in a rhythmic caress. And then his breath also got regular.
...
"Hailey?"
She awoke with a start and heard a light knock on the door.
Since when was this light sleeper?
Vanessa's head came out of her door, "I'm going to the park for that yoga class…" she said after a moment of bewilderment at the sight of her bed.
Hailey giggled and then turned her head and looked at what Vanessa had tried not to burst out laughing at.
Jay slept soundly like a starfish, his right arm hanging out of bed while his left one was beached over her, in the thin hollow between her breast and her belly.
It seemed so strange to see him peaceful and completely relaxed, but above all Hailey was not used to a Jay with such heavy sleep.
During their partnership years, when happened that they fall asleep together, she was always the one with the heavy sleep, instead Jay always woke up to the slightest rustle or shift.
So it was a welcome surprise seeing him so deeply asleep.
She saw Vanessa closing her door and decided that seven in the morning was too early to wake up. Taking advantage of the fact Bean was still asleep, she thought that sleeping a little more would have been ideal.
...
She opened one eye as heard hurried footsteps approaching. Jay was crawling into her room trying not to make noise and looking around.
"What are you doing?", she grumbled pulling the blanket over her head.
"I took a shower. I would like to avoid being seen semi-naked by Vanessa…"
"Vanessa's not here, went out early. You were sleeping…", she muttered before her mind realized what he had said. Her head shot out of the blanket so quickly that her aching neck had to be massaged.
And actually Jay, now happier with the absence of her roommate, threw himself on the bed with a satisfied sigh and a towel tied around his hips.
"What shall we do today?"
Hailey slowly extricated herself from the blanket by rolling on her back and staring at her bigger and bigger belly.
"Ah, good morning, sleepyhead!", he turned to her as if had just noticed she was awake, "I didn't know we would spent the whole day together…"
Hailey froze, she had taken for granted they would stay together, hadn't thought…
"I'm kidding! We do what you want, but I have to go home and tidy up before tonight. What time do the others arrive? You'll stay the night, don't you?"
The idea of tidying his apartment seemed absurd to her because everything was already incredible tidy but a light bulb light up in her brain and as soon as Jay went down to the kitchen, she took advantage of his absence to prepare a bag with some clothes for her and, under her clothes, hid a good part of the things they had bought for Bean.
On the way home, with the windows down to enjoy the warm spring air, Hailey sent a message to Vanessa to tell her she wouldn't be at home all day and they would only meet in the evening.
She placed her belongings in the drawer he had previously clear for her and, at the same time, Jay yelled he would go for a run and closed the door behind him.
A book in one hand and a cup of tea in the other, she went to sit on the balcony.
The sun was pleasantly warm and, in the absence on anything else to do, she curled up in the chair with her legs stretched out on the railing.
The vibration of her phone distracted her from reading.
'Talk. To. Him.'
Vanessa certainly didn't want to make her forget what they had talked the night before. But realizing that today was really the ideal day, Hailey felt her heart beat a little faster.
...
...
"Give me the keys… Jay, give me the keys! Come on, I'm cold!"
Hailey slipped them out from his coat pocket with an annoying movement before heading to his car.
"I can drive, you know? I'm not drunk!"
"I know, but I drunk less…"
She climbed into his car and slowly left the parking lot. She had always liked Chicago by night, quiet and less busy then the rest of the day.
She parked in front of Jay's home, the closest to the restaurant where they had had dinner with the rest of the unit.
"I've to go home tonight, I don't know which excuse can invent with Vanessa…"
Jay studied her carefully in silence, his eyes wandering along her figure.
"I was wondering if you weren't cold, with this dress…", he said and for a moment his hand wandered over her bare thigh, "Too bad you have to go. Come on, I'll take you home."
Then he turned, undoing his belt and opening the door.
And a sudden thought came to life in her brain.
"Wait!", she shouted stopping him with a hand on his arm.
Before he could do anything else, she stepped over his seat and sat on his lap.
"I've to thank Kim for his birthday dinner…because I imagined all the evening to do this…", she began by undoing his tie and unbuttoning the first two buttons of his white shirt.
He murmured his assent with his lips on her neck. But then, when her hands slid lower down his stomach, he stopped.
"Hailey, what are you doing? Hailey…", he took her wrists stopping her, "We could be arrested for public indecency…"
"Oh come on, we're cops, nobody's going to arrest us!"
She could see his brain working on the situation, so she decided to help her luck a little by causing him.
"Don't tell me you would back off", she purred against his ear as she slid her coat off her shoulders.
"Hailey…"
The right strap of her red dress slid down her shoulder.
"You really pull back?"
"Ah, the hell! But if we're arrested, I'll tell Voight it was your fault!"
He took her head and his lips were on hers.
Kissing Jay was always exciting and never taken for granted. He always kissed her as if it were the last thing he could have done in life. It was soft and overwhelming, but also had this calm and solidity that alway made her heart melt a little.
She had imagined many times what it would be like to kiss him, but when it really happened, it was something beyond her imagination.
Hailey unfastened the belt of his trousers and lowered the zip while her briefs were already forgotten on the driver's seat.
"Look at me, look at me", he whispered before she came down on him.
A groan escaped her lips.
Making love with him was one of the things she loved most in the world. They knew each other so well that they knew what they wanted, but at the same time it was so, so perfect…
It was much more than just sex.
"God, you're beautiful…"
He had one hand stuck in the loose hair on her back and the other one on her side. And his green eyes were fixed on hers. They were big and a beautiful dark green.
And Hailey kissed him hard just to silence that voice in her head that kept repeating those words and she really wanted to tell him. I love you. It was simple, linear and completely natural.
But maybe making love was better.
...
...
"Hailey? I'm back!", Jay's voice woke her from her memories.
"I'm in the room down the hall!"
"Hey", he caught up with his breath still short from the run, "Ah, you brought child's things. You did well."
He looked around the half-bare room before focusing his gaze on her, "You good?"
"I think we should talk, we can't put it off… I mean, look at me, eight month", she pointed to her belly with a bitter expression.
"Uhm, sure…", his gaze went from worried to growing within a second.
"I have no idea how we could organize after Bean's birth… Can we really make him live in two places at the same time when he's still so young? And otherwise, what can we do? I want it to be with you too!"
She ran her hands through her hair while paced the room. Her head was traveling a thousand kilometers per hour thinking about what to say to him after hearing his answer.
But the silence that followed her outburst made her stop and stare at him, who was now leaning against the door jamb with his arms crossed over his chest.
"What we are? What are we doing?"
We're having a baby, she wanted to answer but who knows why it didn't seem the right answer. She stared at him with wide eyes, shortness of breath and the brain trying to keep up with what was going on.
"You know…", he said keeping the same position but lowering his head, the eyes never left her face, "I thought it was obvious for some time what we were doing, but I didn't think it was my turn to say…"
A confused frown settled on her features, but before she could ask for more, he continued.
"But I think it's inevitable for me to speak. You're terrified, I know you. Hell, I'm terrified too and not just for Bean! But, Hailey, I thought it was clear by now, you are the one for me. And I'm really so sure of it, like, I mean, until death do us apart. So, I'm here now to ask you, what are we doing?"
He stared at her in silence, still motionless.
"Tell me you don't want this", he moved his hands in the space between them, "And I'll never talk about it again, I swear. I'll always be there for you two, but my life will have to go on, get it? But I want an answer, Hails. It's respect for me."
'If a man like him looked at me like Jay looks at you, I can swear to you I would find a way to hold him tight!', Vanessa's words rang in her head.
So in the end he wasn't stayed only for the baby. It was for her.
"I…I thought you despised me, you know?"
"Hailey", he took a few steps closer to her, "What are you saying? You're my partner, my best friend, you're my family…"
"Maybe this…could be Bean's room…"
"Maybe, yeah. But Hails", he grabbed her shoulders forcing her to look at him, "You must be in it. Completely. Either in or out."
His green eyes were kind, they were familiar, they were all she knew she wanted.
"No retreat, no surrender", she reached out cupping his cheek. His short beard tickled her palm, but that too was a familiar feeling.
"No retreat, no surrender, Jay", she repeated with more conviction, "But let's leave the whole 'until death do us apart' thing very far, okay? We've already come close enough times…"
"I totally agree with you."
And then his lips were on hers. And they were exactly as she remembered, perhaps even better. They were soft and delicate and demanding at the same time. And it was all so totally Jay that Hailey felt at home.
No retreat, no surrender, she repeated in her head.
"Stop thinking. I can hear you from here", he muttered against her lips.
"Shut up", she laughed, tying her arms around his neck and pulling him towards her.
Hi guys, hope you are all well!
I don't have much to add on this chapter. I admit that, together with the previous one, it is my favorite.
I hope you like it and, as always, let me know what you think!
With love, H.