As the hospital stirred to life the next morning. Chris rubbed her eyes and lay in her bed thinking about Street. Street was on shift and she knew she probably wouldn't see him today as his shift would finish after visiting hours. Chris was missing him, 'should I text him?' she pondered. Her head however was again telling her to stop. To slow it down, stop texting him and encouraging him. The voice screamed at her that she needed to give him a real answer soon and be sure of it. She knew his broken heart couldn't take another round of being pulled along then pushed away. She wanted to be 100% sure of this before she let anything happen between them again. If she listened only to her heart, she knew that she was sliding, so fast straight for him, and in most of the moments, like seeming him yesterday with that baby, she didn't care if she was going to crash right into him.
That voice, though, it was loud, and it frightened her. She didn't want to hurt him again, and she still wasn't 100% a relationship with Street was the right thing for right now. Would it ruin work for them both? Would people look at her differently? Would a relationship between them actually last long term or fizzle out? She knew that this was voice she had listened to after that kiss, the voice that made her shut him out, push him away and break his heart. Chris didn't want to do any of that again. She wanted him around she knew that, she just hadn't completely dealt with the Ty and Kira side of things yet and they were still texting her and visiting a fair bit.
She reached for her phone to text them. Maybe I need to see them today to try sort my head out. She sat scrolling through her messages, pondering what to write to them. She knew she had some feelings for Ty and Kira. Kira gave her small rushes and she had to admit that they had a great physical chemistry, Ty also made her feel butterflies sometimes, but did they compare to things that Street made her feel? She tried to remember her intimate moments with them, 'Did I ever really feel the same things? That surge, that electricity? With Street she often got an intoxicating feeling that made the rest of the world fall away, Do they make me feel that?' she asked herself.
'If you guys aren't busy today would you come by so we can talk?'
Chris looked at the message she had typed. Does that sound too ummm….. 'I'm having doubts… obvious?' She breathed in deeply. Knowing she had to do something to try and get it together. 'Street deserves an answer from me. An answer that is real and true and not just me pushing him away and being afraid.' Chris knew that for Street she felt big, deep feelings that were definitely love. Today she needed to know if she could feel those same things with Ty and Kira.
She hit send and laid back on the bed, nervously chewing her bottom lip.
"Hey you…... sure, we can come by this morning if you like" Kira wrote back.
"Thanks, I'd like that" she replied.
'Ok so here goes' she said to herself getting off the bed to dress and get ready.
Chris was drying her face when her phone vibrated out on the table, she scrunched her eyebrows at herself in the mirror and went to see if Kira had written back,
"Morning how are feeling today?" it was Street. She couldn't help but smile, he was thinking about her. Then she thought to herself, did Kira's messages make me smile?
"I'm good, gunna try and fit in a walk and a jog today…. You know with my busy schedule… 😉" keep it light her head said.
"Oh, that will be tough, hey! LOL. Sorry I can't see you today, let me know if need anything though ok?
Again, he made her smile, he really cared and could see that a mile away.
"Thanks, will do, be safe out there"
"Piece of cake 😊"
Kira and Ty arrived a few hours later, seeing them usually made Chris smile, but today with all that was going on in her head. It made her feel anxious and a little sick in the stomach. Kira hugged her and kissed her cheek,
"You look so good" she said as she stepped back to let Ty say hi, Chris smiled at her but was aware Kira's embrace wasn't measuring up at the moment. Ty hugged her too, but no kiss from him. She felt like suddenly she was keeping score and she hated it.
She tried to be light hearted with them and have fun for a bit, but the small talk about her recovery and their jobs hadn't answered her question. Do they make me feel what I feel when I'm with Street?
Ty was telling her about the latest painting he was working on and usually Chris was excited to hear about them, but as he spoke she realised her thoughts were dancing around what Street was up to right now.
'Damn… 'Chris said in her head 'I'm not feeling it… I can't shake Street out of my head'.
Kira had been watching her closely and knew something was up. As Ty finished his story about the painting Kira placed a hand on his back, giving him a concerned glance before she turned to Chris and putting a hand on hers,
"Are you ok Chris? … You seem a bit down" Kira said caringly.
"I ….. Ah….. I well….." she sighed a deep breath and looked at them. Sadness in her eyes.
Ty moved next to Kira and sat on the bed with concern on his face. "What is it Chris? …. Is everything ok...?" he asked.
"ah… well…. I've been thinking a lot about this and I want to talk to you about us…. about our relationship." She glanced up at them and both looked at her with fear in their eyes. 'I think they both can see this coming' she thought to herself.
"I um….. Know that I need to be completely honest with you guys this time about how I am feeling. The last time I wasn't I ahhh….." Chris felt her voice get a little shaky. "I um"
"It's okay Chris…. You can tell us anything, we want you to feel that comfortable with us" Kira said placing a hand on her leg. 'Yeah but I don't' Chris mumbled in her own head. She could tell Street almost anything and open up to him, but she really struggled to do that with Ty and Kira at the moment. 'Yet another reason' she pondered.
"You two are amazing" she started, "You have been so kind, compassionate and understanding and I don't think I have been the same. I feel guilty".
"What… why?" Ty asked looking confused. "You have been good about trying to talk to us lately. I know we aren't like….officially a … what did your team call it? … a thrupple, at the moment but you have been trying Chris, we see that, like the other day…..when we were all day you opened up about why you went to Streets place that night and that you do have some feelings for him. We understand why, you two have been so close for so long, so don't beat yourself up" he gently patted her leg. "We are willing to try and work through that if that's what you want"
Chris swallowed hard, right now in this moment she wasn't sure she did want that.
"I… I'm" she pursed her lips and glanced at Ty "I'm not sure I want to put you and Kira through that right now….. If I am being honest….. I'm not feeling the amazing connections I thought we had anymore and …." She paused and hesitated….. "I think I want let go of this 'us' , I mean you guys are truly amazing and I have been happy with you both, sometimes I was happier than ever was in any one on one relationship I've ever had, but"
"But what?" Ty said looking heartbroken
"I think my feelings for you two have changed, through no fault of yours. I just I feel like I don't want this right now"
Kira looked heartbroken, she bit her bottom lip and leaned over and hugged Chris.
"Is it Street?" Kira asked as she hugged her.
"I….. um….. I… don't know where we are….I mean I'm not sure about that right now…. I don't really know if that will ever happen or last if it does….. I just know if I'm being honest with you two that I'm not feeling the same as I did. I don't want to pretend and hurt you guys so I think this is right for me now…. I'm sorry" Chris said hugging her. Kira began to cry, which made Chris teary. "I hate this" Chris whimpered. "I never meant to hurt you guys"
"We know" Ty said leaning in and hugging them both.
Soon after they left, and Chris sat on her own watching the sunset and cried. She felt so awful and guilty for the way things had ended with them. At one point in their relationship she pictured a happy ever after….. Living with them long term…. But that one weak moment had undone that and brought so many feelings to the surface for her. She wouldn't say that night with Street ruined their relationship, but it made her realise and have to face the truth that she deeply cared for Street.