Linda Flynn stood on the corner of the sidewalk with her adorable son, Phineas, at her feet. He too held out some fliers. They tried to hand them out to passers by, but they only passed them clearly not interested. Phineas was so cute and adorable...you'd think they'd stop to see him at least. He, like his mom, was a pretty good singer (maybe even better. Have you HEARD her sing? Well you're about to…
Will you lend a caring hand
to shelter those who need it
only have to sign your name
don't even have to read it
would you help?
No? How about you?
They sighed in despondency, and they continued to walk. It was then Phineas saw the guy from the laundromat. His mom was too oblivious to notice him staring at her all the time. However, she was doing the laundry, and Phineas watched. Ever since the death of his father, Phillip Flynn, he'd been quite a momma's boy...especially since he didn't have any siblings (AU! Remember it's an AU! Candace will come later, but she's not Phin's sister) Phineas didn't want to be left alone. It only left him reminders that his father was gone. He supposed that was why he always wanted to go with his mom to the laundromat. Phineas saw the guy staring at his mother all the time, but he didn't care to acknowledge him for a couple different reasons. One, he was a little timid and shy. Two, he didn't know if he really wanted a new father. Phillip meant everything to Phineas. Linda remembered that even though he was only two, Phineas didn't leave his room for days. Linda finally had to go into his room to feed him. He stared at Heinz, and he decided why not talk to him...maybe ask him to sign?
"Hey, Mom," the ten year old said with his small, adorable voice, "I'll be right back."
Linda nodded, and he approached Heinz. Meanwhile, however, Heinz was getting ready for his heist of the pizzazium infinionite. He had a duffel bag (Note, Phineas had not seen any of this part), and he looks at a van parked down the alley next to a building. He pulls out a cylinder shaped device, and he tosses it. Acting as a magnet, the device attaches to the van, and he smiles in triumph. He doesn't realize that Phineas is right behind him.
"Whoa, cool," the boy gawked in amazement, "that's some advanced piece of technology. I assume it's a receiver that will give you control of the van?"
"Um...yeah," Heinz said, "hey, you're-"
"Phineas Flynn, Linda's son," Phineas finished, "yeah, even though my mom doesn't see you, I do."
"You think it's kinda-"
"Romantic that you have a thing for my mom? Yeah…" Phineas' face fell, "How I feel about it...I don't know...I mean...I still have feelings for my actual dad."
"Ya know, I wondered why I didn't see any siblings or a father. What happened to them?"
"Oh, I'm an only child...and my dad...well...he died."
"Oh...I'm so sorry…"
Phineas, usually have an adorable perky attitude or slightly timid, actually looked pretty sad at mentioning his deceased father. Heinz felt bad for making the kid frown in sadness. Phineas quickly recovered, not wanting to show weakness in front of this guy he JUST got the guts to talk to...it was strange...he felt a little more...comfortable with this guy than even his own psychologist. He then perked up almost instantly.
"So, you going for some sort of heist?" Phineas asked, "Don't worry. I won't tell anyone. I'm no snitch."
"Uh...yeah...I'm stealing pizzazium infinionite," Heinz said, "for my Freeze-Ray-Inator"
"A Freeze-Ray-Inator? Cool!" Phineas was instantly hooked, "What does it freeze?"
"Oh, the usual, people, objects, time-"
"TIME?!" Phineas had encountered a couple freeze-rays, and he'd thought about building one that stops time, but never got around to it. He'd never encountered one that actually stopped time itself though, "Like...time ITSELF? You can actually freeze time? Like...like you could make me pause as I do this?"
Phineas struck a pose that would be pretty funny if Heinz froze him in time with. Heinz had to admit...he liked this kid. He was nice, not a snitch, and he shared the interests...maybe he wasn't so alone in this world.
"So...what's your name, sir?" Phineas asked politely.
"Um...Heinz," Heinz replied a little awkwardly.
"Heinz? That's a pretty cool name. So...what's the pizzazium infinionite-"
The two were so wrapped up in conversation they hadn't seen Linda come up to them, singing in a higher key.
Will you lend a caring hand-
However, they both interrupted her with surprised exclamations. Heinz kinda screamed, and Phineas cried out his mom's name in surprise.
"Ah, aah!" Heinz exclaimed.
Linda seemed startled at Heinz's reaction. Phineas could see they already had chemistry...maybe he'd give this guy a chance...just maybe. Who knows...maybe this would be his new step father.
"Mom!" he cried out, "I didn't know you were coming up here."
"Sorry, Phineas. I didn't mean to startle you both."
"Ah, ah, what do you want?" Heinz asked finally able to speak.
"I was wondering if I could just…" and then Linda recognized him...this was going pretty good Phineas thought, "Hey I know you."
"Hello, you know me? Cool, I mean, yeah you do. Do you?"
Phineas rolled his eyes in amusement, and he made a sign with his hands that told Heinz 'Smooth, dude, real smooth'. Heinz gave him a bit of a playful scold, and he returned his attention to Linda.
"From the laundromat," Linda said?
Heinz blushed. Finally he was able to talk to Linda, and she was talking to him. To top it off, the son seemed to like him. He didn't even care that he was pulling a heist. Most kids would be annoying and say 'I'm telling on you!'...but Phineas was...different. He was a nice kid.
"Wednesdays and Saturdays, except twice last month you skipped the weekend," Heinz then realized Linda would think he's been stalking her, "Or if that was you. It could've been someone else. I mean I've seen you...My name is Heinz."
Linda notices that Heinz seems kinda busy, for he doesn't look up from his phone. Phineas frowned in disappointment slightly. He didn't really care that he was going to pull off a heist...his mom, however, she'd care. He only hoped he would get better at paying attention...that or maybe he's just a bit shy…
"What are you doing?"
Heinz glanced at Phineas ever so slightly, and Phineas made the 'don't tell her' sign. Heinz nodded, and he had his answer. Luckily Linda hadn't seen him glance at him.
"Texting, it's very important, or I would stop," Heinz said, and Phineas playfully rolled his eyes, "What are you doing?"
"Actually, Phineas and I are out here volunteering for the Caring Hands Homeless Shelter. Can you spare a minute?"
Heinz glanced at the van, and then at Phineas who nodded, basically saying he'd keep an eye on the van so they could 'have a moment'. Dang...smart kid, Heinz thought.
"Ummmm, ok go."
"Okay, we're hoping to open up a new location soon, expand our efforts. There's this great building that the city is just going to demolish, but if we can get enough signatures-"
"Signatures? Pfft."
"Yeah."
Phineas gives Heinz a glare, that says 'Dude! You're gonna lose her!', and Heinz realizes he's being rude.
"I'm sorry, go on."
"I was saying, um, maybe we could get the city to donate the building to our cause. We would be able to provide 250 new beds," Linda continued, but she could see Heinz turning back to his phone again...maybe he isn't even interested, yet she still continued trying to get his attention. Phineas smacked his palm to his forehead, "get people off the streets and into job training...buy rocket packs and go to the moon and become...florists….you're not really interested in the homeless, are you?"
Phineas gave Heinz a look, and Heinz could read it. 'You're losing her! Dude!' Heinz then looked back at her, thinking of what to say.
"No I am, but they're a symptom. You're treating a symptom, and the disease rages on, consumes the human race. The fish rots from the head as they say. So my thinking is why not cut off the head?"
"Of the human race?" Linda asked unsure of this guy now.
"It's...not a perfect...metaphor. But I'm talking about an overhaul of the system. Putting the power in DIFFERENT hands."
That's better, Linda thought. She noticed she kind of like this guy despite his strange behavior. Phineas seemed to like him.
"I'm all for that. This petition is for the building."
"I'd love to sign."
"Thank you!" Linda handed him the clipboard, and then she finally processed...Phineas was talking to him...he never talks to ANYONE ever since his father died! "You...Phineas was talking to you?"
"Yeah."
"He hasn't talked to anyone but me since...since his father died."
"Is that so?" Heinz's tone was sympathetic as he looked down at Phineas who nodded.
"I...I can't believe you got him to talk to you. Oh my gosh you must be like a miracle worker! How did you get him to talk to you?"
"He just...came up to me," Heinz replied.
"Oh my god," Linda said, "Um...thanks for signing."
"Sorry...I come on strong."
"But you signed."
"Wouldn't want to turn my back on a fellow laundry person."
Linda continued to talk to Heinz, but he was preoccupied with the heist...or texting as she thought. She could see it was time to go. She and Phineas headed off, allowing him to do hsi business. Phineas smiled at Heinz...he may have just found his future step dad.
Heinz turned to see they were gone, and he seemed conflicted now…go back and talk to Linda and Phineas...or continue with the heist...It was different this time...this heist could be the element that decides his fate of whether he gets into the Evil League of Evil.
"She talked to me...Why'd she have to talk to me now? Maybe I should…"
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
don't plan the plan if you can't follow through
all that matters
taking matters
into your own hands
soon I'll rule everything
my wish is your com-
As Heinz emerged as Dr. Horrible, he started the van and drove it away. Suddenly, a crash as Rog-I mean Captain Hammer jumped onto the van. He too started to sing.
Stand back everyone
nothing here to see
just imminent danger
in the middle of it me
yes Captain Hammer's here
hair blowing in the breeze
the world needs my saving expertise
a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
it seems destiny ends with me saving you
Suddenly as Captain Hammer punched Horrible's device controlling the van, it went haywire, and it started heading toward Linda and Phineas. Captain Hammer went to them, and he pushed them hard into a huge group of trash bags. Phineas was knocked out for thirty seconds before he finally realized what had happened. That stupid Captain Hammer...he never liked him. He was just a glorified jerk according to Phineas, and which that was true. Linda seemed dazed and unable to move for a while. Hammer stood there waiting to 'stop the van' while Horrible frantically worked to stop the van when it was still coming at Phineas and Linda.
The only doom
that's looming
is you loving me to death
so I'll give you a sec
to catch your breath
Finally Horrible was able to stop the van, and Hammer hadn't even touched it. Horrible knew that this was Hammer's fault. He set the device haywire, and so if Linda and Phineas would've died, it'd be his head. Of course Horrible managed to stop the van and wouldn't have crushed Linda and Phineas. Honestly the way Hammer threw them could have easily killed them just as well. After all, poor Phineas was so small.
"You idiot!" Heinz yelled.
"Dr. Horrible," Hammer said, "I should've known you were behind this."
"Could have killed them!"
"I remember it differently."
"They-" Heinz's throat was seized by Hammer, and he started to choke him.
"It's curtains for you, Dr. Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains."
"Whuh?"
Linda and Phineas emerged from the trash bags, and Linda was singing. Phineas was really dizzy, but he didn't say anything. They each had trouble getting up, but Phineas finally was able to walk stably, and but he leaned against the van to keep himself up.
Thank you Hammer man
I don't think I can
explain how important
it was you stopped the van
we would be splattered
we'd be crushed into debris
thank you sir for saving my son and me
Phineas had a hard time believing what he was hearing. Hammer didn't save them! If anything he's the one that put their lives in danger. He stood next to Horrible shaking his head...both singing similar lines to this next part of the song.
(okay, so this part was REALLY hard to write out because their lyrics are at the same time, so regular text is Hammer (Roger), italics are Linda and bold is Horrible and Phineas (Phineas sings 'us', 'he' and 'his' instead of 'you', 'I' and 'my' that's why there's a slash)
"Don't worry about it"
a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do-(you came from above)-[are you kidding?]
it seems destiny ends with me saving you -(I wonder what you're captain of)-[what heist were you watching?]
when you're the best
you can't rest-Stop looking at her like that
what's the use - (my heart is beating like a drum)
there's ass needs kicking-[did you notice that he threw you/us into the garbage]
some ticking
bomb to diffuse-(must be in shock)
the only doom-[I/he stopped the van]
that's looming-(assuming) -[the remote control was in my/his hand]
is you loving me to death-(I'm not loving you to death)-[whaatever]
so please give me a sec-(so please give me a sec)
to catch my breath-(to catch my breath)
Horrible walks off with the pizzazium infinionite, and Phineas rolled his eyes. Now his mother was infatuated with a glorified bully. Horrible hated it too. His mortal enemy was now the girl of his dream's 'man of her dreams'.
"Well...so much for a new good stepfather," Phineas thought.
At the same time, Horrible said, "Balls."