Deacon and Hondo both knew they needed to be there for Chris right now. She was shaking, crying and fighting them to go back to him.
"He was just…" She yelled
"Hey, Chris" Deacon almost shouted too, trying to get her attention. "Stop… look at me" he held her arms as she tried to move away and go back across the hall. "Chris…. they need space to work" Deacon had his face right in front of her and she glanced at him. But she was barely hearing anything he said. Her world was spinning. Deacon and Hondo managed to get her to sit in the chairs on the wall. They sat either side. Hondo's hand in hers as he tried to calm her a fraction.
She had seen the monitors, as Hondo steered her out, his heartbeat was unstable again, he was likely having another heart attack. She had seen the resus team race in with their equipment as Deacon closed the door to the waiting room. She didn't have to wait for a doctor to tell her she knew this was really really bad.
"I can't lose him now" she said … "This isn't fair!" Deacon patted her knee
"They are doing all they can right now Chris… you need to stay strong for him"
She shook her head, as if she was saying she couldn't be strong. "he was just awake, he was talking, he was ok and I…... I just… just told him" she said tears dripping down her face her hands shaking uncontrollably whilst she looked up at Hondo.
Hondo didn't have to ask "told him what? "he knew what Chris meant. He knew Chris had taken that chance when they were alone to tell him out loud for the first time that she loved him. Nurse Jamie knocked and entered. Her face was drawn and when she spoke there was a hint of despair in her voice.
"Chris…..." she motioned to Deac and Hondo to stay seated. Deacon swallowed hard expecting the worst. Hondo blinked slowly holding his breath. She walked in and knelt in front of them. She reached out and took Chris's hands, Chris couldn't look at her. She stared at the floor.
'If she is about to say he is gone…. I ….' She couldn't even finish that thought she again began sobbing uncontrollably.
"hey…. "Nurse Jamie placed a hand on her knee and waited for her to get her crying under control. She knew it was important that Chris heard these words. "Chris…" Chris looked up at her,
"It appears part of the valve graft they placed this morning let go and shifted slightly. It caused an irregular heart rhythm that sent his heart into another arrest. The resus team and Dr McGuinness are taking him up to surgery now…. they will…"
"He's alive?" Chris whispered
Nurse Jamie smiled a little "Yes honey he is… but he is in a very precarious position right now."
Chris nodded and lowered her head again, blowing out a breath slowly.
Hondo sighed, he was alive at least. Deacon patted Chris's back.
"He will be in surgery for a while, they may need to implant an artificial valve as the graft hasn't worked. It is a serious situation for him. Dr McGuiness is concerned his heart may not be strong enough to endure the procedure."
Chris clenched her jaw. She couldn't hear those words. He had to be strong enough. He had to make it. She couldn't lose him now. Nurse Jamie excused herself and Deacon hugged Chris into him. "Pray for him with me" he said
Chris nodded, and prayed with Deacon. Before curling up on the chair and staring out the window. Dr Lawson came in, "Evening" his voice was sombre too. "Do you need anything or have any questions? My shift is ending and…."
"Will he make it?" Chris asked, tears still rolling down her face as she sat near the window. Dr Lawson licked his lips and approached her,
"You know I don't know that." he said kindly "but he is a fighter, he is physically fit and strong, and I am hopeful he can come out the other side of this"
Chris smiled a little smile and nodded at him. Hondo pulled him aside away from Chris whilst Deacon tried to distract her, "Ok now tell me for real" Hondo whispered, "Will he make it?"
"Sergeant, this is his fourth cardiac arrest in 2 days. He is in bad shape. The likelihood of a positive outcome isn't great, but we are always hopeful"
Hondo dropped his shoulders and closed his eyes. 'Shit… we may just be losing him'. He pulled Deacon aside, "hey," the worry and fear that their team mate was dying was evident on their faces and in their voices. "I wanna go get something for Chris" Hondo said.
Deacon tilted his head a little confused but agreed to watch her and stay with her. He struggled to keep Chris positive. After hearing numerous doctors say things like,
"If he wakes up…., his weakened heart, the chances of him regaining consciousness… … the likelihood of a positive outcome…" she had all but given up. She didn't want to fall to pieces like this in front of the team. She wanted to run, run far away from here. As she pulled away from Deacon, she walked to the door,
"I'm gunna take a walk" She said. Deacon followed her. They wandered the halls for a while, before Deacon stopped her.
"Chris, you gotta hang in there, don't give up on him"
Chris shook her head, "I'm trying, Deac, I am…. I just…" She shook her head and wiped the tears again.
"Hey, you know that he wants to get back to you, if nothing else. He won't give up that easily" Deacon said patting her back and hugging her. "the rest of the team will be here any minute, let's go back to the waiting room"
She let go of Deacon. "No, they can't see me like this" she turned and opened the door to the stairwell, I'm going to get some fresh air. Deacon couldn't let her go alone, so he followed her. She walked down the stairs in a trance.
Hondo saw Chris walking into the carpark as he pulled back in with Deacon a few strides behind, she had tears rolling down her face. Hondo climbed out of his car and walked towards them.
"Chris…." Deacon called "Stop…..."
Hondo reached out as he neared her and caught her in his arms, motioning to Deacon that it was ok. Deacon turned and went back inside.
"Hey…. Hey, Chris". He pulled her into him.
"I just can't…" she was crying heavily, pounding Hondo's chest, shaking and trembling. "I can't be in there if… if this is…." She couldn't bring herself to say the words. 'if this is it and he is dying'
Hondo held her, he could see how broken she was. "Hey…. Hey…. Let's stay positive" Hondo said.
"It's gunna take a lot more than that" she yelled, frustrated and terrified.
"Hey…Chris…... look at me…..." Hondo put on his stern commanding voice.
She glanced at him, though Hondo could see she was reeling and so far beyond being talked around.
"If Street is on deaths door right now, he would want you to have this, he would want you to know what's in here before…..." Hondo paused, even he couldn't bring himself to say it, 'before he dies', instead he produced an envelope, it had her name in Streets handwriting on it.
Chris froze looking queryingly at Hondo for a second before the realisation hit her like a truck that that was "THE" letter out of his locker. The letter that so long ago she had told him to address to her, saying "You're important to me" 'god if he only knew'.
"No … no" she cried looking at it, pulling back and shaking her head. "I'm not…. I can't"
Hondo's heart was breaking watching her. He loved these two more than words. They were family. He knew that they deeply loved each other…... beyond the SWAT family member team love. He knew they understood each other and needed each other on another level.
"Chris" He began sitting her down on a bench nearby, "when the roles were reversed a few months back, Street sat out here with me one night on the hood of my car and poured his heart out. He told me a lot of what is in this letter."
He looked at her, she didn't return his gaze. She couldn't bring herself to look at him.
"In this envelope is the original letter he wrote, as well as another one he wrote after the fundraiser night" Chris glanced at Hondo who blinked knowingly at her, she hated that he knew what had happened but right now that was not what she cared about, "and one when you were hurt. You need to know this stuff Chris, he wrote these for you"