Josh is a force of nature. He's constant motion and bottled energy and never ending banter all combined into one person, so when he's reduced to whimpers I feel my heart breaking for him all over again. I stand up and make sure nothing is terribly wrong, checking his monitors in the process. Everything seems to be in the normal range.
"I know it hurts," I soothe. "You're getting close to time for more morphine."
I check the dry erase board and realize that he's still got some time to go. Almost 20 minutes in that level of pain is going to be hard for him to take.
He begins to gradually come to and with his coherence is a higher awareness of his pain. It's the first time he's really coming out of the drugs when he's awake and I doubt he's ever experienced anything like this before.
He eventually opens his eyes and without words, it suddenly feels like he's pleading with me for help.
"Take my hand," I offer, taking his in mine on the uninjured side. "And close your eyes again. I know it's difficult but try to relax a little bit and loosen your muscles."
He squeezes my hand and slams his eyes shut, his body completely rigid against the pain.
"Doing good," I assure him, watching his heart rate closely on the monitor.
We're about halfway through the morphine countdown when Sarah and Joan arrive in the room.
"Oh, my baby," Sarah practically wails, immediately approaching his bedside, standing across from me and looking down, reaching out to touch his arm on his injured side.
Josh grits his teeth and tightens his grip on my hand. I feel the tension seep back into his body at his mother's words.
I look away, glancing at the monitor to my left, and I'm too late to stop her when Sarah reaches for Josh, adjusting his blanket and brushing against his chest. The contact, though not direct, is enough to send his pain through the roof.
He lets out an anguished growl and she jumps back a bit.
"Joanie!" Sarah half scolds. "Do something for your brother!"
"8." I tell Joan with a sideways glance, and she immediately knows that I am counting the minutes until the next dose.
"Eight what?" Sarah looks back and forth between us.
"Nothing, Mom. Just let him get through this."
"Eight what?" Sarah repeats, a little more spun up this time.
She sees Joan glance at the clock but misses the glare that follows, warning her mother to stop talking. We find that it's sometimes best to keep from discussing the exact amount of time, only counting down when we're under 2 minutes.
"Eight minutes?" Sarah asks. "Until he can have more pain killers? Oh Joan, that's too long. Do something for your brother."
Joan hangs her head a bit in annoyance. "Like what? I'm not his attending nor could I do anything to speed this up even if I was."
The two begin to bicker a bit, but I turn my attention back to Josh. He's starting to hold his breath as a reflex to get by.
"You're doing great," I try for more positive reinforcement. "But you have to breathe, Josh. That's it. In and out. You're so strong. I wish I could take the pain away for you."
I lean down towards his ear and count breaths with him in a soft tone, an effort to both lower his blood pressure and distract him, and soon we're nearing the two minute mark. He's in the home stretch. At 60 seconds I grab the morphine clicker and when the time comes I place it in his hand.
His relief is practically instant. I watch as the pain fades away and the tension dissipates. He's breathing a little better and he has loosened his grip on my hand, though he's still gently clutching it. He opens his heavily lidded eyes and meets mine, giving me a grateful look and a half smile that I know is reserved for only me.
"Love you." He states through an exhausted breath.
I tenderly smooth his curls and lean down to kiss the corner of his mouth.
"I love you too," I assure, moving my hand to cup his cheek. He rolls his head towards me, almost as though he's craving the gentle contact. I don't move away from him until he's fast asleep. And even then, I don't go far.
When I hear the distinct rattle of a pill bottle I remember that Josh and I aren't the only ones in the room. I watch Sarah throw back a handful of something I can't identify but assume is a sedative as Joan silently shakes her head.
"He's going to be out for a while." Joan breaks the silence. "And I brought you a change of clothes and some shower stuff."
I stare at her, blinking a few times in borderline disbelief.
"Shampoo and a pair of my sweats because I wasn't sure if I should let myself into your place or what-" she's rambling out of nerves.
"Thank you." I interrupt before she feels uncomfortable. "I appreciate that."
"I'll sit with him until you're back from the shower." She tells me.
I nod my appreciation and take the bag she's packed for me. Even though Josh is likely to be out for a couple of hours, I don't want to be away from him, so I hurry.
I turn the water to a temperature that's practically scalding and let it run over me, washing away the last 36 hours. The stiffness in my neck begins to go away after a few minutes so I quickly wash my hair and dress again, making my way to Josh as quickly as possible. My hair is damp and I'm bare faced, wearing Joan's sweats and a pair of fur lined slippers, and I feel like a completely new woman when I return to his room.
"Holbrook is ready for us." Joan states as soon as I enter the room.
"Us?" I question.
She nods her head and gestures towards the hallway. I follow her and we stop on the other side of the glass to Josh's room. He's still sleeping fairly peacefully, and Sarah is dozing now, too.
"I owe you an apology," Joan admits. "A big one. I just… I know how he is with women. I've never seen him like that before, though. The way he responded to you. And the way you could calm him. You really care about each other."
"We love each other," I correct, but not in an arrogant way.
"It still scares me," Joan continues. "The two of you, I mean. I don't want him to break your heart. I realize now that I don't want to lose our friendship because my brother treated you poorly, but the way I handled that? It's pretty clear that I was the one ruining our friendship anyway, regardless of Josh. Besides, you have seemed so happy lately. And Sam says that Josh has been walking around with a smile on his face for weeks, too. I guess I've been the only one not to see what was right in front of me all summer. I really think, I really hope, he can be the kind of man that you deserve. He's lucky to have found you. You get Josh in a way I'm not sure anyone ever has."
"You have no idea, Joan- he's… he means the world to me." I find myself getting slightly choked up as I watch him sleep for a moment before turning my attention back to Joan. "I owe you an apology too. I should have told you sooner. I wasn't malicious keeping anything from you, but I should have made it a point to sit down and discuss this with you before you were blindsided by it."
"Thank you." Her acceptance is sincere. "I'm glad he has you."
"I'm glad I have him, too."