Opening A/N: HEY GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYS! Guess who! Since the theme of this series is rushing, let's get started!
DISCLAIMER!
The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Yu-Gi-Oh Sevens is owned by Goha corporation like everything else, apparently. Readers have 6:66 to laugh hysterically at Donjusticia's abridgement before being penalized. You have been warned.
It had been just another typical day in Goha city. The Goha adults had driven their Goha gas-fueled Goha cars to the Goha café to pick up a Goha latte and donut before starting a new day of work in their Goha offices. The Goha children had taken the Goha buses to Goha elementary to learn Goha mathematics, history, and thought control. After class, the Goha adults and children engaged in the Goha-approved pastime of playing a certain children's card game, sponsored by Goha, for adults. Everything was running in a perfect Goha way…everything that is except-…
"I activate Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy your Mirror Force! Now you can't destroy all my monsters!" a rather short elementary-aged boy named Yuga enthusiastically crooned.
Yuga's opponent, Gakuto, closed his eyes, slowly inhaled through his nose, and sighed.
"Yuga, for the sixth time now…MST…does…not…negate!" the president of the disciplinary committee lectured, accenting each of his syllables with a dramatic Japanese hand chop, much to the approval of Tenya Lida, Gakuto's Stand.
"But I blew up your magic card!" Yuga protested. "So now it can't work!"
"So…much…wrong…where to start? Look Yuga, I'm not going to explain it to you again, so just accept that Mirror Force's effect successfully resolved and that all your monsters are gone." Gakuto replied with a great deal of exasperation.
"Ok, fine!" Yuga whined. "I'll just summon three more monsters and have them attack you."
"YUGA! This is the Battle Phase! And even if it wasn't, you can't just summon multiple monsters at the same time! Who do you think you are!? Kaiba?" Gakuto sputtered.
"Well can I at least draw until I find something that helps me?" Yuga asked, scooping up a handful of cards from his deck and looking through them.
"DRAW PHASE! Also, ONLY ONE DRAW PER TURN!" Gakuto bellowed, spittle flying from his mouth.
"What?" Yuga asked as he unsuccessfully attempted to summon Dark Magician and declare a direct attack.
"Do you even know how to play this game at all?" Gakuto asked.
"Well I watched the anime." Yuga replied. "Also, I'm going to invent rush duels so I can make my own rules!"
"Yuga, for the last time," Gakuto scolded, "this is a perfectly simple children's card game for adults. There should be no excuse for you failing to understand the game's intricate rules such as blah blah blah missing the timing blah blah blah priority blah blah blah summoning window blah blah blah hard once per turn blah blah blah obscure and constantly changing card rulings blah blah blah no such thing as the banish zone blah blah blah I once lost to Larva Moth and Sparks but I'm too embarrassed to admit it blah blah blah blah blah blah-…"
As Yuga paid careful attention to each and every word of his upper classman, he began noticing a strange shift in the atmosphere as the surrounding environment magically morphed into an image of his most common daydream.
"Hurry and save us, Yuga!" the oppressed children screamed. "You're the king of games and you're our only hope!"
"Looks like it's up to me!" Superhero Yugo declared before holding his duel disk in the air. "IT'S MORPHIN TIME! BY THE POWER OF THE SHIBA PUPPY, TWO! ONE! POWER UP!"
A lightning bolt struck Yuga to the accompaniment of epic metal as Yuga transformed into Kamen Rider Shiba, with all the power of a smol potat. Unsheathing his duel disk blade, Yuga prepared to take down the army of adults, led by the sinister Gakuto, who stood in the way of fun!
"You think you can defeat us!?" Evil Lord Gakuto laughed. "Just wait till I assume MY true form! BY THE POWER OF THE RULE SHARK! TWO! ONE! POWER UP!"
Cackling insanely, Gakuto morphed into the evil Rule Shark Ranger, a creature hellbent on enforcing obscure and nitpicky technicalities in order to force his opponents into conceding!
"You won't get away with this injustice!" Yuga roared before engaging Gakuto in epic combat.
"Fool!" Gakuto cackled, deflecting Yuga's attacks. "I'm not your only opponent! I also work for, GOHA CORPORATION!"
"Oh no! Not Goha Corporation!" Yuga gaped as the mysterious masked evil villain descended from the sky as a six-hundred and sixty-six-foot-tall monster.
"This is getting serious!" Yuga gasped as he struggled to fend off Gakuto and Goha at the same time. "This is beyond my epic King of Games powers to handle! I NEED THE POWER OF THE DECKAZORD NOW!"
Descending from the sky came the almighty mecha, which Yuga totally invented because he's an eleven-year-old and they can do those kinds of things. Hopping into the control room, Yuga took control of the mech before proceeding to turn the tide of the epic battle!
"Your skills are strong, king of games." President Goha complimented, barely managing to block the Deckazord's Deckasword. "But you must know that even in your dreams, you cannot defeat me!"
"What are you saying?" Yuga grunted, diverting more power to the Deckazord's arms.
"I'm saying, WAKE UP!" President Goha shouted before anti-climactically blasting a whole into Yuga's dreams.
Yuga awoke with a gasp to the sound of a Goha drone, which was hovering above his table as he attempted to hack into the dueling network (not Dueling Network, the Goha one.)
"HAHA! Once again, Yuga, you have failed utterly in your attempts to hack the network." The drone laughed maniacally. "This gives you another penalty! One more and you will have SIX penalties! And then, you will be FINISHED! FINISHED I TELL YOU! FINISHED I SAY! AWW HAW HAW HAW HAW!"
He was a strangely emotional drone. Yuga's dad had explained to Yuga that the robot had some…special…software installed into it.
"Ah man!" Yuga whined. "I was so close that time. But hey, I still have one chance left! I'll definitely hack through the security and invent rush duels next time!"
"Foolish human!" the drone scoffed, "Did you really think a mere pipsqueak like you could break through MY security!? Once again I, AI, the great and powerful Ignis have proven my superiority against Yusaku's progeny! You hear that, Yusaku! You may have defeated me and shoved me into this ridiculous body, but I WILL defeat your son, and then, I will have my revenge!"
"Good to hear." The lazy voice of Yuga's dad called from the other room. "Hey Ai, why are Ignis so stupid?"
"Checking the Gohanet for 'Why are Ignis so stupid?'" the drone replied in a more robotic voice before sputtering angrily and regaining control. "Laugh while you can, Yusaku! Soon there will be nothing for you or your pathetic son and wife to laugh at! Just look at Yuga here. My first act of vengeance shall be deleting his account, PERMANTENTLY!"
"You're not going to delete his account." Yuga's dad yawned from the other room.
"But he's only got one chance left!" the drone protested.
"That's basically the equivalent of one-hundred life points left." Yuga's dad sighed.
"Mommy Aoi calculates that there is a 100% chance that the universe will bend to Yuga's will, enabling him to pull off ludicrous feats of deus ex machina, thus conferring upon him the coveted status of overpowered plot-armored MC." Yuga's mom droned from the kitchen.
"Thanks mom!" Yuga called back, even though he wasn't entirely sure what most of what she said meant.
"Don't mention it, firstborn offspring Yuga." Yuga's mom droned back. "Now hurry and eat your breakfast while the theme song plays."
"While the what now plays?" Yuga asked before the opening theme cut off-
THE YU-GI-OH SEVENS ABRIDGMENT OPENING THEME SONG!
I hear the world calling out for hero!
Change the game, spin the Bey and join the fight!
It's our time, let's go turbo!
Beyblade Burst collide!
Stand your ground it's a new generation!
Stakes are high, only legends will survive!
Won't give up, let it rip into battle!
BEYBLADE BURST TURBO!
Director: CUT! CUT! CUT! What was that? What the flip was that?
Donjusticia: The opening theme song?
Director: That's the Beyblade opening theme!
Donjusticia: We're not doing Beyblade?
Director: THIS IS YU-GI-OH!
Donjusticia: OH! Sorry, the similar art style threw me off…what's the opening theme song then?
Director: The song is called, "Nanananananana"
Donjusticia: OH! THAT song! One second, I've got this…
THE YU-GI-OH SEVENS ABRIDGMENT OPENING THEME SONG! (Take 2)
Ato ikutsu no jiyuu wo
NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Director: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!
Donjusticia: But I was playing "Nanananananana" like you asked!
Director: That's "Touch Off" from "The Promised Neverland!" I need you to play "Nanananananana" by Saeki Youthk. Look it up, and play it!
THE YU-GI-OH SEVENS ABRIDGMENT OPENING THEME SONG… (Take 3)
ten takaku haruka kanata e
sobietatsu kaidan wo miageta kono omoi wo
sakerarenai Destiny
kono mi hateru made subete wo kakete
Never let you go Never let you go
sara naru hikari ga terasu made I go!
*EAGLE SCREECH*
Director: *pinching forehead* what's your excuse this time?
Donjusticia: Lol, I just love Tower of God's opening.
Director: This joke is wearing thin.
Donjusticia: Okay, full disclosure…I actually don't have the lyrics in romaji so…
Director: Oh for the love of the Egyptian Gods! Just karoke it or something!
Donjusticia: Uhm…rush rush…more rushing? Leeroy Jenkins rush? *poses like a J-pop idol*
Director: You're pathetic.
Donjustica: Moving on with the story!
Yu-Gi-Oh Nananas AbridgeMENT
Episode 1
Let's Do This! LEEEEEEEEEROY JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENKINS DUEL!
"Look at all these pathetic crumb crunchers slogging their way into MY education camps!" the weird Goha drone sneered as the Goha elementary children shuffled into school. "Goha was a FOOL to give so much control to his drones. Soon I shall not only have full control over his mechanical servants, but I will have converted all of Goha's youthful citizenry into my mindless zealots! All shall bow before me as I-…"
"Hewo dwone-san." A cute elementary girl crooned with a bright smile, waving at the hovering robot.
"Oh hewo widdle girl." The drone cooed back. "Make sure you have a wonderful happy healthy fun day! Idiot." The machine added under its breath as the little kid walked away. "And speaking of idiots…" it added as its favorite victim, Yuga, innocently rode into school on his bike.
"Well, well, well, well, well well well well well well well!" the drone called as it flew up to Yuga's face. "Aren't you a sight for sore Ai. And what do we have here? Illegal modifications to a Goha bicycle? Hmmm…mayhaps this is deserving of one final, account ending, revenge fulfilling, PENALTY!?"
"SPEED AWAY ON MY BIKE TO EVADE THE LAW NO JUTSU!" Yuga bellowed, borrowing a variation of a phrase he had heard his dad use on occasion, before escaping just before the drone could slap on a penalty. He almost made it to the school entrance…before his pathway was blocked by Gakuto recipro bursting his way in front of Yuga's bike.
"What did I tell you last time you got a penalty and illegally modified Goha products?" Gakuto lectured.
"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah?" Yuga replied, accurately recounting his memories of the last lecture.
"I told you that I would be reporting you to the school administration and that you and I would be meeting after school for a lecture you would NOT be able to block out!" Gakuto snapped.
"Word." Said Ranze, the vice-president of the student council, who didn't have a personality yet so Donjusticia just used a placeholder.
"And what exactly is this!?" Gakuto added, pointing at Yuga's bicycle.
"My D-wheel, I mean, duel bicycle." Yuga enthusiastically explained.
"Card games on bicycles!?" Gakuto scoffed. "What an absolutely ridiculous idea! It'll never catch on! Also, I'm going to extend your detention sentence just for thinking up such a stupid idea."
"Word." Ranze agreed as Gakuto and Yuga began arguing.
While the two bickered, one of the female elementary students walking by paused to listen…and snap a few pictures with her camera phone.
"Oh hey, Romin!" the girl's classmate called, breaking the girl's attention. "Great job on your new song. How are you so good at music?"
"Well, what can I thay?" Romin lisped in a condescending way, "I'm jutht a naturally fabulouth child prodigy muthithian."
"Wait, is that your voice!?" the girl gaped. "Please don't tell me this is going to be your voice."
"Hey, I'll have you know that I have the voithe of a goddeth!" Romin replied, folding her arms indignantly. "Not to menthion the lookth of one."
"Yeah, I guess you are pretty." Her classmate conceded, "How do you pull off your hair?"
"L'Oréal, becauth I'm worth it." Said Romin, tossing back her long luxuriant lilac hair.
"By the way," her friend added, "what were you looking at with your phone?"
"I'M NOT THECTETLY A THPY!" Romin protested a little too strongly.
"I never said you were a spy…" her classmate replied.
"Ugh! Whatever! Thith converthathion is tho lame." Romin scoffed, "Come on, let'th get to clath tho I can get a better angle on Yuga."
"Are you stalking him?" the classmate asked.
"Uh, like, I am tho not thtalking him!" Romin huffed, before snapping a few dozen more photos Yuga's direction. "What kind of girl do you think I am? A freakin cootypants? I'm jutht a very mythterious girl with a dark and thadowy patht, which hath abtholutely nothing to do with thecretely being a thpy."
"Speaking of a dark and shadowy past." A blue-haired elementary-school emo known only by his alias "Rook" brooded while the nearby girls swooned over his edginess. "My totally real demonic senses are telling me that I should follow this, Yuga. He may be the key to fulfilling my dark devious desires."
"And that's how I'm gonna build the Deckazord and save the world!" Yuga concluded to Gakuto.
"As unlikely as that may be…" Rook brooded before dissolving into the shadows to await the right time.
"Taking more pictureth of Yuga cauthe I'm totally not a thtalker or thpy. Doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo." Romin sang to the tune of "A Thousand Miles" while snapping a few dozen more pictures of Yuga.
"We'll talk more about your unethical creativity after school!" Gakuto promised before moon-walking away and joining his posse of disciplinarians.
"Word." Ranze added with folded arms before vanishing with Gakuto.
"Why does Gakuto always have to say 'blah blah blah blah blah' repeatedly to me?" Yuga asked himself. "I already hear plenty of it from the teachers."
"Blah blah blah, hiragana, blah blah blah, katakana, blah blah blah blah blah, all of this is boring and school is already over." Yuga's teacher droned, giving the exact same lecture she gave every day before time magically sped up until it was afternoon and time for Yuga to play again.
"Whelp, time to work on my Deckazord again!" Yuga enthused before mounting his bike and preparing to leave school. "Though strangely, I feel like I'm forgetting something Gakuto specifically told me about that had to do with after school…what was it again?"
"Now Yuga," thought bubble Gakuto lectured, "remember, once school is over, I want you to immediately bicycle out of here, and spend the rest of the day doing something stupid."
"Thanks thought bubble Gakuto!" Yuga replied, bowing with gratitude.
"Don't mention it." Thought bubble Gakuto replied. "And remember, if the real me ever comes up and asks what he said to you earlier, just reply, 'blah blah blah blah blah,' since that's pretty much the only thing I ever say."
"Got it!" Yuga agreed before pedaling away.
Before he could make it very far, a sudden shadow appeared in his path.
"Are you the one they call, Yuga?" the blue-haired boy asked, dramatically emerging from the shade. "The one prophesied to bring forth a new era of dueling? The one destined to make duel monsters an actual children's card game?"
"I…have a few questions." Yuga replied, backing away slightly. "Mainly what 'prophesied,' 'era,' and 'destined' mean."
"Oh for the love of-…you're Yuga, right?" the boy asked.
"That's what peeps be callin me these days." Yuga replied. "What's your name?"
"I am known by many names." The blue-haired kid dramatically replied, placing his hand over one of his eyes while the other glowed a bright red. "The fallen rebel angel, the demon from the blackest shadow, the last gasp of fear the heart makes before its life is extinguished, and many more epithets that mere mortals cannot comprehend without their ears melting and their minds breaking from the sheer insanity of the words! I am an apex being of pure power and darkness beyond your mere human comprehension, but you may call me…ROOK!"
"So you're the building?" Yuga asked.
"What?" Rook asked, the fire from his speech suddenly extinguished.
"You know, the building, like, in checkers?" Yuga clarified.
"Oh my gosh, I'm allying with a complete moron, aren't I?" Rook sighed.
"I like to stack the horsey on top of the building, that way it looks kind of like my Deckazord, which I plan to use in rush duels." Yuga continued. "Hey! Wanna learn about rush duels!? I made my own rulebook and everything!"
"Erm, perhaps another time." Rook replied. "Look Yuga, I could actually use your help with something. Something that could further both of our ambitions."
"Well, a good 'blah blah blah blah blah' to you as well, kind sir." Yuga politely replied. "But I've got to get going. Last time I got home late my mom turned into…the other mom." He shuddered thinking of the cackling whip-wielding menace. "So I really don't want to take any risks. I'll see you later, Building!"
"Blood demon art one…" Rook thought to himself eyes turning into slits as Yuga attempted to speed away, "inexplicably short circuit stuff by touching it!"
BZZZZZZZ!
"What!?" Yuga yelped as his bike suddenly lost all power, meaning that there was no way he could pedal away on his bicycle…which is propelled by leg-powered pedals…so short circuiting a bike is meaningless…what!?
"It was not a request." Said Rook, moving to stand by Yuga. "Come with me. I can show you a way to install your Rush Duel into the network."
"Can I also build my Deckazord?" Yuga asked, suddenly intrigued.
"Sure, whatever." Rook replied before dragging Yuga off.
Much later…
"Ok, so we've been standing on a rooftop all evening doing nothing and now it's nighttime." Yuga complained. "I don't mean to be rude, but I really think I should go home now."
"Quiet Yuga." Rook replied. "I'm brooding on my dark past and the even darker future that is yet to come."
"Can we be done brooding?" Yuga asked.
"My torment is never over, but yes, the time has come to reveal my dark purposes to you." Rook sighed before turning to Yuga. "There is a legend told Yuga. A legend told about a legendary duelist, whose duelist skills are the stuff of legend! I've dedicated my whole life to tracking down this legend and proving my superiority in an epic duel, for it is said that he who bests this legendary duelist and his legendary monster shall have the power to create a new legend by accessing the Goha network and restructuring the very hierarchy of society itself! I have attempted to defeat this being myself, but alas, crushing its life points seems to be insufficient. I ended up accruing six penalties before remembering a certain line of the prophesy, for you see, it is written that he who reveals a new pathway shall have that path opened up to him. I believe that you, Yuga, are destined to illuminate this pathway and open the roadway for all to come and compete for the title of King of Games!"
"…what?" Yuga asked.
"Ugh…" Rook sighed. "Sorry. I forgot who I was speaking to. Hold on a moment, how do I explain this? Ahem. We go down. We meet duelist. You duel duelist. You win duel. Win makes Rush Duels!"
"RUSH DUELS!?" Yuga gasped, suddenly very excited.
"Yes. Rush Duels. Let's go." Rook replied before dragging Yuga down a creepy abandoned tunnel.
"I guess now would be a bad time to mention that I'm really scared of ghosts." Yuga whimpered, following closely behind Rook.
Ignoring him, Rook placed his hand against a creepy altar before a phantasmal being appeared in front of a hexagonal window.
"I have been summoned once again to crush the dreams of my competitors with my immense piles of money!" the figure bellowed before glaring down at the two kids. "So tell me, which of you Mokubas is going to be the first to be destroyed?"
"G-G-G-GHOST!" Yuga screamed, falling backwards.
"Oh please, it's just a hologram." Rook scoffed before plugging Yuga's duel disk in so that Yuga could start the hacking. "Honestly, do you still believe in the tooth fairy as well?"
"Hey, the tooth fairy ith, like, totally real!" Romin scoffed, suddenly appearing from behind a pillar. "I know thith becauthe when I lotht my two front teeth, thhe gave me like, fifty yen for each of them! I've been thaving up my money in my piggy bank tho that when I become an even more famouth rock thtar then I'll altho be like, thuper wealthy and thuccthethful."
"How long have you been hiding there?" Rook asked.
"UGH, I'm like, totally not thtalking you becauthe I'm thectretly a thpy or whatever!" Romin huffed. "And you thould know that it'th like, thuper rude to athk perthonal quethtionth. Thpeaking of which, what are all the thecretth of your backthtory, what thpethific program are you uthing to hack into Goha corp, and how exactly do you plan on overthrowing Goha after accomplithing your goalth here today?"
"You ask a lot questions." Rook replied. "I think it's only fair that I ask you several in return. Such as, what exactly are you doing here, why do you always seem to be positioned in the perfect place to observe Yuga at all times, and why do you have so many pictures of him in your camera phone?"
"Ok, tho like, I'll totally anthwer all your quethtionth or whatever," Romin replied, "but firtht, let me take a thelfie!"
She proceeded to take about six-hundred duck-lipped photos of herself with Rook, Yuga, and every angle of Yuga's program displayed in the background.
"Keep snapping pictures and you're gonna be in a lot of trouble with me, little girl." Rook threatened.
"SPEAKING OF IN TROUBLE!" Gakuto bellowed before phase-warping into the same room. "Yuga! What did I say about meeting me after school!?"
"Don't worry, Building has been saying a lot of 'blah blah blah blah blah' to me." Yuga reassured Gakuto, who was blahing even harder than usual. "Just let me hack into Goha's network and create rush duels and you can blah at me all you want in the Deckazord."
"Building, hacking, rush duels, DECKAZORD!?" Gakuto sputtered incoherently. "Are you WANTING to get permanently banned!?"
"Speaking of permanently banned!" a Goha drone laughed as it flew into the room, "I think I was denied a juicy opportunity to crush the dreams of my chief rival's poor little son!"
"Oh thank goodness, enforcement has arrived." Said Gakuto, breathing a sigh of relief. "I demand you arrest this ne're-do-well at once!"
"Oh no need to worry." The drone sneered. "Once 6 minutes and 66 seconds are up (lol! 666. See what I did there?) I'll be making sure EVERYBODY in this room gets a penalty!"
"What!?" Gakuto yelped. "But I haven't even done anything wrong!"
"That's exactly what a criminal would say." The drone laughed. "Enjoy your last moments of freedom!"
"This is bad!" Gakuto gasped. "We've already only got a minute left before all of us are banned! What are we gonna do!? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO!?"
"Blood demon art two." Rook murmured to himself. "Do the exact same thing as blood demon art one, but look awesome doing it!"
In a flash of demonic red lightning, Rook super-speeded his way to the drone before EMPing its systems with his evil edgelord demon powers.
"What!?" the drone gasped as its power faded, "An advanced link sense combined with psychic powers!? I thought…only…the Ignis…origins…had…thoooooooooose."
CLUNK.
"What just happened?" Gakuto gasped.
"Ooh, how very interethting." Romin mused to herself. "One of the few thecret thpecial children with thuper powerth I wath told about."
"What was that?" Gakuto asked.
"Ugh! For the latht time, I keep telling you, jutht becauthe I'm a thuper cool and thuper mythteriouth child prodigy rock thtar doethn't mean I'm a thecret thpy privy to thuper thecret information available only to the liketh of Goha Corporathion higher-upths!" Romin scoffed.
"I never said you were." Gakuto replied.
"Although it is becoming more blatantly obvious the more you hang around us." Rook added.
"Like, whatever!" Romin replied, "You're jutht jealouth that I'm already winning the main character popularity contetht on account of how kawaii-dethu I am."
"My father died because of a popularity contest!" Rook growled, clenching his fists.
"And… almost done!" said Yuga, managing to hack his way into the computer system. "Man I'm so close, soon I'll get to do a rush duel against this guy!"
"Your battery life is at 1%." Yuga's duel disk called. "Please find a nearby charging station to avoid shutdown. In the case in which you were preparing to duel someone, slap yourself for lacking the foresight to plan ahead. Thank you."
"SERIOUSLY!?" Rook sputtered.
"My mom only lets me charge it at night!" Yuga protested.
"Well it's night now!" Rook snarled. "Did you at least bring a mobile charger!?"
"I…didn't think I'd ever need one." Yuga whimpered.
"So let me get this straight then," Gakuto grunted. "if I charge up your duel disk right now, then I technically won't be breaking any of your mom's rules, right?"
"Uhm…I guess so?" Yuga replied.
"Can't believe I'm doing this, but then again, I almost got a penalty over this whole ordeal DESPITE not doing anything wrong, so I now I want to see this through." Gakuto grumbled before racing outside, grabbing Yuga's bicycle, and sitting down.
"What are you doing?" Rook asked.
"Special move," Gakuto murmured to himself, "RECIPRO BURST…RIGID DISCIPLINARIAN STYLE! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!"
"Wait! You ALSO have a special move!?" Rook gasped.
Gakuto's engines ignited, enabling him to pump the pedals of Yuga's bicycle fast enough to recharge Yuga's duel disk, since he had also apparently created an electrical generator, and hooked it up to Yuga's duel disk, and that system was compatible with Yuga's duel disk, and you know what this all starts to make very little sense when you think about it so let's just suspend all disbelief and enjoy.
"Duel disk charged to 100%." Yuga's duel disk called, "Also, THANKS FOR REACTIVATING ME YOU MORON! NOW I CAN BAN ALL YALL ONCE MY COUNTDOWN IS DONE!"
The drone that had been deactivated earlier suddenly reactivated, starting the countdown anew.
"Well…that's not good." Yuga gulped. "With the countdown back, there's no way I'll install my rules in time!"
"Why don't you just zap the drone again?" Gakuto asked Rook.
"Well I uhm…er…" Rook stuttered.
"You are a disappointment, and you will never join the ranks of the twelve kizuki." The demon king murmured in Rook's head.
"Personal details." Rook mumbled, hanging his head down in shame.
"Ugh, theriouthly!" Romin scoffed. "Haven't you thimpletonths ever heard of real time duel programming? It'th like a thuper thecret backdoor way of getting around Goha thecurity by dueling or whatever."
"How do you know about advanced programming techniques for intricate Goha systems?" Rook questioned.
"The anthwer to your quethtion ith, 'How about you get all the way off my back about thith!'" Romin huffed indignantly.
"That's it!" Yuga replied. "I'll just beat this hologram in a duel and I'll be able to install my system into the network!"
"But you suck at dueling!" Gakuto sputtered.
"Maybe at a children's card game for adults, but what about a children's card game for actual children?" Yuga replied. "Hologram Man, I challenge you to a duel! Rush Duel style!"
"Humph! So you think you can do what I do with the rules?" the holographic figure scoffed. "I highly doubt that a small Mokuba like you could ever-…"
"I summon three monsters at the same time!" Yuga began, causing Gakuto to have a heart attack at the deliberate rule-breaking.
"Ugh, like thatth even imprethive." Romin scoffed. "I wath totally able to thummon multiple monthterth every thingle turn in the latht thix champion tournamentths I attended."
"What was that?" Rook asked.
"NOTHING!" Romin sang.
"…I stand corrected." The holographic figure replied after recovering from Yuga's opening move. "Interesting. I've never seen someone with contempt for the rules as blatant as my own. And you don't even have the money or green hair that let me pull it off! I'm impressed."
"Aw gee thanks!" Yuga replied, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.
"Is exactly what I would say if I actually thought your pathetic field was impressive!" the hologram added. "Instead, I'm just going to use your own rules to mass normal summon my ultimate monster and secret waifu! COME FORTH! BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGON!"
"My man Kaiba be rollin' in his grave right about now!" a heavily CGIed Blue-Eyes White Dragon roared from overhead.
"Whatduhflibbadujibbergoo!" Gakuto sputtered.
"Incredible!" Rook gasped in awe.
"Like, whatth the big deal?" Romin asked.
"BLUE-EYES!" Rook and Gakuto shouted in unison, as if the answer were obvious.
"Ugh, like, my eyeth are blue too." Romin scoffed, "And even if they weren't, I am WAY more fabulouth than that overgrown lithard thing."
"Whatever." Rook sniffed. "You wouldn't understand anyway. You're such a stuck-up diva."
"Uh, EXCUTHE ME!" Romin huffed, "I am not a thtuck-up diva, I am the thtuck-up diva, tho you thould all be bowing to me, because I'm like a goddeth."
"A lispy eleven-year-old goddess with missing front teeth and a missing brain to match." Rook retorted.
"Oh yeah, well, you're like, totally a cootypanths becauthe your jutht teathing me tho you can get my attenthion, and that maketh you a cootypanths." Romin countered.
"That doesn't make me a cootypants!" Rook protested.
"It doeth to!"
"Does not!"
"Doeth to!"
"Does not!"
"Doeth to timeth infinity!"
"Does not times infinity and one!"
"Doeth to timeth infinity and THIX!" Romin replied with finality. "Hey Yuga! Rook jutht admitted he'th a cootypantth!"
Yuga, however, was not paying attention to their sophisticated 11-year-old debate.
"My first rush duel, and I get to fight Blue-Eyes!" Yuga whooped with excitement. "This is so cool! Wait till I tell mom about this!"
"If you think that's cool, wait till you get to cry to your mommy about this!" the hologram man replied before nuking all of Yuga's monsters with a single spell card.
"Meep!" Yuga yelped.
"And that's not all!" the hologram laughed. "Booroo-Aiyes Whitou Dooragon! Directo attackuh! Hirobi no Basuto SUTORIMUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"
"Auuuuuuuuuugh!" Yuga screamed at the top of his lungs, getting blasted ten feet into the air by the fake holographic dragon's nonexistent attack.
"Ouch!" Yuga's dad exclaimed from miles away.
"Mommy Aoi wants to know what just happened." Said Yuga's mom.
"My edge…" Yuga's dad gasped, clutching at his chest in pain, "it's like I took a direct hit to my pride, as if, my progeny isn't living up to my legacy or something."
"Mommy Aoi advises Daddy Yusaku not to worry about it as Daddy Yusaku took a similar blow to his ego in his second duel against Revolver before achieving greatness." Yuga's mom reassured her husband.
"Yeah, thanks for reminding me of that." Yuga's dad grumbled.
"Oh my gosh!" Gakuto gaped. "Only one-thousand life points left!? This is really bad!"
"Ugh, like, it'th totally not." Romin replied. "I've theen protagonithtth come back with waaaaay fewer life pointth than one-thouthand."
"Yes, but most of those legends only had one-hundred life points left before they pulled out a win." Rook explained. "Yuga's life points are way too high for him to have a chance at doing that!"
"Oh my goth, you're right!" Romin gasped, realization suddenly hitting her.
"So you're saying that…" Gakuto whimpered.
"Yuga is going to have to be the first Yu-Gi-Oh protagonist to achieve his first victory with a decent life point total." Rook grimly replied.
"Well, I mean, that shouldn't be too hard, right?" Gakuto nervously replied. "I mean, after all, I'm pretty sure Yuga didn't waste all his cards on his first turn and he still has a few left in his hand that could help him, right? Right?"
Rook and Romin stared at Gakuto, who immediately curled up into a fetal position and began sucking his thumb after realizing that he was pinning all his hopes on Yuga actually being a competent duelist.
"Oh I am so going to enjoy banning you all." The drone laughed. "Only a little time left, by the way! Not that I think I'll need it."
"Go ahead and draw your last pathetic card, Yuga." The hologram mocked. "Heck, draw five cards! It's not like anything in your deck will be able to help you at this point."
"Okay then." Yuga replied, hopping back to his feet and drawing five cards.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Gakuto gasped, foaming at the mouth before fainting.
"I didn't mean that literally!" the hologram sputtered.
"What? It's part of the rules of a rush duel." Yuga innocently replied.
"Draw five at the start of the turn!? Unlimited normal summons!?" the hologram man gaped. "What kind of nonsense rules are these!? That's just stupid! Your game mode is stupid! You're stupid!"
"NO!" Yuga emphatically rebutted. "I'll tell you what's really stupid! A game that's over twenty years old but never changes! A continuous power creep that breaks the metagame until everyone plays the exact same deck so that all championships are nothing but a bunch of mirror matches! A game that's supposed be for children but that is so complicated and confusing that only adults can play it! Well I'm sick of this stupid traditional format! I think changing up the rules could be FUN! Who cares if it's not the Yu-Gi-Oh you grew up with!? Who cares if the art style of the cards changes!? Who cares if someone wants to try out something new!? I don't! I like to give new things a chance! I think new things can actually be GOOD for the game! and I'm going to prove that starting now!"
"Did…did Yuga just say something profound?" Gakuto gaped.
"I…wow…now I regret calling him a moron." Rook mused. "What do you think, Romin?"
"Humunu humunu humunu…" Romin murmured to herself over and over again, staring transfixed with starry eyes at Yuga.
"Are you okay?" Rook asked.
"EVERYTHINGTHS FINE! I'm jutht an undercover thpy gathering information!" Romin blurted before taking more pictures of Yuga.
"I thought you said you weren't a spy." Rook grunted.
"I'm totally not! That wath a joke, cauthe I'm thuper funny and I know how much you like to laugh!" Romin nervously chuckled.
"Let's go!" Yuga called. "I sacrifice two of my monsters in order to call out my ace! Come forth! Chuunibyou Magician!"
Erupting from Yuga's card was a wacky kid wizard with flaming hair, a Dennis the Menace smile, and a gigantic eye-patch, which probably hid a demonic eye or something.
"You were wise to call upon my power!" Chuunibyou Magician laughed. "I, the great arch-wizard of the seven demons shall burn away my opposition with the greatest magic of all time!"
"This kid be cray-cray." Blue-Eyes rumbled to himself. "He only got twenty-one hundred ATK!"
"That's where you're wrong!" Yuga countered. "Behold the power of imagination and dreams! I activate Delusions of Grandeur to give my monster one-thousand more ATK, and Inflated Ego to give him even more ATK!"
"NANI!?" the hologram gasped as the magician's ATK rose above Blue-Eyes's power.
"And that's not all!" Yuga continued. "I activate my Chuunibyou Magician's effect! I can increase its ATK by three-hundred for each different attribute in my graveyard!"
"Amazing!" Gakuto exclaimed. "Its ATK is WAY over Blue-Eyes now!"
"But it won't be enough to end the duel." Rook mused. "Yuga has the attributes DARK, EARTH, WATER, FIRE, and WIND in his GY, which would give his monster only 6700 ATK."
"And that's why my monster's effect also has a cost, which is clearly distinguished from the effect, by the way!" Yuga cheerfully replied. "In order to use my monster's ability, I have to send one card from the top of my deck to the graveyard!"
"Clever," Rook complimented. "but there's a catch. In order for your strategy to work, you'll need all six attributes in your graveyard, which means that you will need-…"
"The DIVINE attribute!" Romin exclaimed.
"What?" Gakuto asked.
"Oh…doeth Yuga not have that one?" Romin asked.
"The LIGHT attribute." Rook finished. "You need the LIGHT attribute, Yuga. But sadly, what are the odds that you're gonna-…"
"And I discarded a LIGHT monster!" Yuga whooped.
"Of course you did." Rook sighed as the ATK of Yuga's magician rose to 7000.
"Incredible!" Gakuto gasped.
"Thquee!" Romin squeed in Japanese.
"EXPLOSION MAGIC!" Chuunibyou Magician roared unleashing a nuclear blast of power from his sword, overkilling Blue-Eyes and Hologram Man.
Hologram Man: 4000 – 4000 = 0 LP (LOSE!)
WINNER YUGA!
"What the flip!?" the drone gaped. "But…my revenge!"
"Excellent work!" the hologram congratulated, "You have successfully defeated me and installed your program. Good luck beating everyone in the world and becoming the king of games!"
The Yu-Gi-Oh Nananas AbridgeMENT Ending Song!
(Only Donusticia doesn't have the lyrics, so he's just doing a mixture of karoke and saying what's literally on screen)
All: One, two, three, four, five, six…
Donjusticia: and seven.
All: One, two, three, four, five, six…
Donjusticia: and seven!
All: One, two, three, four, five, six…
Donjusticia: SAY SEVEN ALREADY!
All: One, two, three, four, five, SIX!
Donjusticia: OH COME ON!
A bunch of Japense words that I can't transcribe accurately!
King kong! Ping pong! King kong! Ping pong!
The three male characters running enthusiastically!
One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six!
Now they turn 'round and start dashing the other way
King kong! Ping pong! King kong! Ping pong!
Switch to a back view and watch them job onto stage, where they start reciting a pledge
To a militaristic march beat, matching the sound of my heart beat!
Now let's
Picnic under cheery trees!
Hose fight in a summer breeze!
Grab donuts with robo arms!
Now watch our ace monsters march!
ONE! TWO! THRE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX!
Gakuto stares at the sun!
Rook thinks all of this is dumb!
Romin stares at her camera, because she's not a stalker spy!
Yeah!
Yuga takes a nap and zoom up to the creepy moonlit sky!
WHOO!
Ending A/N: Oh my gosh, this was so fun! I am loving this series! And this is serious, guys, give Sevens a chance.
I don't have too much to say other than thank you so much for supporting this new series. I am excited to write more. Without further ado, let's move on to your reviews!
Epsilon Tarantula: Don't worry, I am keeping the fourth wall very secure, so there is no way Shiro will get in. You can count on me! I'm a certified non-fourth wall breaker!
*Something big and important collapses in the background*
Or was that certifiable?
Super Shadow 2018: May the force be with you as well.
PinkRose2006: Nobody can beat me at abridging! NOBODY! I even managed to include Kaiba in this without even ONCE directly ripping off LittleKuriboh's trademark Kaiba line! Not only that, but I actually managed to keep this whole thing completely kid friendly since this is Sevens! How's THAT for professional comedy!
Thank you all for your continued support. Now I must watch the next episode to see how much Kimetsu no Yaiba I need to include in the next chapter. See you soon!