DISCLAIMER!
The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Kimetsu no Yaiba is written by Koyoharu Gotoge and published by Shueisha. "Gurenge" is composed by Kayoko Kusano and performed by LiSA (whoever that is). Why am I making a disclaimer for Demon Slayer when this is Yu-Gi-Oh Sevens AbridgedMENT? Well…
Earlier!
Director: So exactly how much "Kimetsu no Yaiba" do you want in this chapter?
Donjusticia: Yes.
Director: *pinches forehead* Oh dear sweet Egyptian Gods…
The Yu-Gi-Oh Nananas AbridgeMENT Theme Song (for this chapter)
*Gakuto is standing in a snowy blizzard wearing Tanjiro's clothing (because LOL same voice actor!) an unconscious Romin on his back*
Tsuyoku nareru riyuu wo shitta
Boku wo tsurete susume!
*Gakuto begins samurai running into the distance with Fiendish Commander Yameruler at his side*
Dorodarake no soumatou ni you
Kowabaru kokoro furueru te wa
Tsukamitai mono ga aru
Sore dake sa
*Gakuto gets pushed back by his masked master, Tenya Lida, before leaping back to his feet, determined to keep going*
Yoru no nioi ni (I'll spend all thirty nights)
Sora nirandemo (Staring into the sky)
Kawatte ikeru no wa jibun jishin dake
Sore dake sa
*Yuga (wearing Zenitsu's clothing) runs from an enraged Rook (wearing Inosuke's clothing…what little there is of it)
Tsuyoku nareru riyuu wo shitta
Boku wo tsurete susume
*Romin (who's basically Nezuko, except she's missing her two front demon teeth) stares off into the distance, before she, Yuga, Rook, and Gakuto prepare to face off against the Upper Six (SIX! IT WORKS!) Goha Demons, led by Kibutsuji Goha himself!)
Dou shitatte!
Kesenai yume mo tomarenai ima mo
*SLISH! SLASH! GAKUTO WATER DRAGON TECHNIQUE!)
Dareka no tame ni tsuyoku nareru nara
Nando demo tachiagare
*Epic pose by the six previous Yu-Gi-Oh Pillars, Yugi, Jaden, Yusei, Yuma, Yuya, and Yusaku!*
Sekai ni uchinomesarete makeru imi wo shitta
Guren no hana yo sakihokore
Unmei wo terashite
*Demon battle! Epic fight! Gakuto holds demon Romin's hand! They stare up at the moon! Why the heck am I doing this!? Oh yeah! Because I'm crazy!*
Kimetsu no Sevens AbridgeMENT
The elementary school kid who's straight-up a demon
Despite coming home late from revolutionizing Duel Monsters itself, Yuga's parents had been surprisingly chill. His dad actually grunted in acknowledgment of his son's success and his mom had even baked a cupcake that said "#7 Duel King" in frosting. Honestly, it was one of the happiest moments in Yuga's life.
"Thanks for not getting mad at me, mom and dad, you guys are the best!" Yuga enthused.
"Mommy Aoi is proud of first-born Yuga's performance." Yuga's mom beamed…in a strangely robotic way.
"Just make sure that you win each and every single one of your duels from now until forever." Yuga's dad warned.
"Thanks dad, but I just want to have fun." Yuga replied.
Yuga's dad suddenly grabbed his son by his shoulders, an intense expression on his face.
"Listen to me, Yuga!" Yuga's dad warned. "Dueling is NOT about having fun! Dueling is a grueling children's card game for adults, where the fate of LITERALLY EVERYTHING is on the line in EVERY SINGLE GAME! If you lose EVEN ONE TIME then ALL IS LOST! Never lose a game, Yuga, NEVER!"
"But…it's just a game." Yuga nervously replied.
"Oh my gosh, why did I let you spend so much time with Yuya and Starve Venom?" Yusaku grumbled. "Listen Yuga, I used to be just like you when you were little. Naïve, small, still living with my parents at the age of six…I know, pathetic is that? Well, I've tried to cut you a lot more slack than my own mom and dad did…a LOT more slack…but I can't keep you sheltered forever. Soon, and I mean SOON, an evil villain who wants to destroy the world as we know it is going to notice you, and then it will all be up to YOU to defeat him in an epic duel, or watch as everything that you cared for, EVERYTHING that gave you even the most miniscule shred of happiness, is taken from you, leaving you as nothing more than an empty emo shell bent on enacting revenge for the rest of your life, and all because you were too weak to blah blah blah tragic backstory blah blah blah Hanoi Project blah blah blah can't escape from the endless nightmares blah blah blah why didn't mommy and daddy ever love me blah blah blah I'm trying to prevent you from experiencing my own tragic life story by advising you to act just like me."
Yuga's dad started panting for breath, sweat beading on his forehead while he muttered "you lose…you lose…" under his breath over and over again.
"Uhm…" Yuga replied, not quite sure what to say.
"Look, just…try to play at a professional level." Yuga's dad sighed. "I just know that someone completely evil is going to show up, and I don't want to have to come out of retirement to bail you out of your upcoming problems."
"Don't worry dad, I'll be able to face any challenge because I have friends!" Yuga enthused.
"Oh, my dear sweet innocent naïve fool of a boy." Yuga's dad sighed. "Why couldn't I have just grown up like this? Whelp, I guess you're right, Yuga. If you just believe in the power of friendship, heart of the cards, and unicorn farts, you should be juuuuuuuuuuuust fine."
"Thanks dad, I WILL believe!" Yuga promised.
"Of course you will." Yuga's dad sighed.
"Mommy Aoi thinks it is now time for first-born Yuga to head to bed." Said Yuga's mom. "First-born Yuga has a lot of world-saving to do tomorrow, and Mommy Aoi needs to enlist Playmaker's…special services…in resolving a different crisis."
Yuga's dad gulped.
"Better do as mom says!" Yuga's dad hastily instructed Yuga, shoving the little boy into his bedroom.
"But I'm not tired yet!" Yuga whined.
"Do you remember what I told you during Mom and Dad's anniversary?" Yuga's dad lectured.
"Lock my door tight, huddle under the covers with my favorite Kuriboh plushie, and block out all the horrible noises I hear just like with Santa?" Yuga guessed.
"That's my boy." Yuga's dad replied before slamming the door shut. "Good night! I'll give you a cookie in the morning if you're good and I survive! BYE!"
And with that Yuga crawled into bed before snuggling under the covers and dreaming about the wonderful Rush Duels he would bring to the world, the sounds of "INTO THE VRAINS!" and "BLUE ANGEL WILL PUNISH YOU NOW, YUSAKU-WAKU!" thoroughly blocked out from his innocent mind.
The next morning, Yuga got up, got dressed, and ate his morning breakfast and good-job son cookie, before rushing (no pun intended) to Goha Elementary School.
"Oh boy, oh boy!" Yuga said to himself as he pedaled through the front gate. "I can't wait to tell LITERALLY EVERYONE about what I did last night! But why do I get the feeling that I'm forgetting something important that Building told me? Hmmmmmm…what was it he said again?"
"Now remember, Yuga." Thought bubble Rook reminded his friend, "Goha corporation and a lot of other people are going to want to stop us from implementing Rush Duels worldwide, so it's very important that you share our secret with everyone you come into contact with!"
"Aw, thanks Building!" Yuga replied to thought bubble Rook, bowing in respect.
"Don't mention it, future King of Games!" thought bubble Rook laughed.
"When am I going to get my own thought bubble converthathion?" thought bubble Romin asked.
"When you actually own up to being a spy." thought bubble Rook snarked.
"How about you firtht own up to being a cootypantths!" thought bubble Romin fired back.
"Spy!"
"Cootypantths!"
"Spy!"
"Cootypantths!"
"Spy!"
"Cootypantths!"
Yuga shook his head, realizing that his mom was right about him needing to exercise greater control over his mental characters. Hopefully he didn't end up evolving separate personalities like…she had. Anyway, what was he thinking about again? Oh yeah!
"Hey classmate!" said Yuga, running up to some random person, "Have you heard!? I invented Rush Duels!"
"Uhm…okay." The kid replied before Yuga dashed to the girl right behind him.
"My friend and I helped to create Rush Duels!" Yuga enthused, "Want to learn all the rules!?"
"I'm late for class…" the girl uncomfortably replied, but Yuga was already tugging on the skirts of his homeroom teacher.
"I INVENTED RUSH DUELS!" Yuga screamed.
"Oh, isn't that cute." His teacher hesitantly replied. "But don't you think you should take a seat and-…"
"Is this on? IS THIS ON!? ONE TWO THREE MIC TEST!" Yuga's voice screeched over the school intercom. "Ahem…I YUGA, THE FUTURE DUEL KING, INVENTED RUSH DUELS BY HACKING INTO A GOHA TERMINAL! EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO LEARN THE RULES OF RUSH DUELS SHOULD SPEAK DIRECTLY TO ME, YUGA, IF THEY WANT TO LEARN EVERYTHING ABOUT RUSH DUELS WHICH I, YUGA, INVENTED!"
"YUGAAAAAAA!" A Hellish voice roared before a red-eyed Rook tackled Yuga to the ground.
"Oh high, Building." Yuga replied. "Did I tell you that I invented Rush Duels? The Rush Duels that I, Yuga, specifically invented?"
"I was there you nincompoop!" Rook hissed. "More importantly, what did I tell you last night about keeping your mouth shut!?"
"To not to?" Yuga guessed after some intense thought.
"NO!" Rook roared, teeth turning into fangs. Grabbing Yuga by the neck, Rook forced his classmate under a desk before continuing.
"Listen Yuga," Rook began, "I don't think you realize exactly what opportunity is before us. I'm glad that you're proud of your accomplishment, I really am, but if we want to achieve an even greater prize, that of infiltrating Goha, becoming its new C.E.O., and taking over the world, then we must keep our involvement in the Rush Duels a secret!"
"Did thomeone thay…thecret?" Romin asked, suddenly appearing with her camera phone.
"Have you been hiding there the whole time?" Rook asked.
"Ugh, I have tho not been!" Romin replied with righteous indignation. "I wath buthy examining the contenths of you and Yuga'th lockerth and wathn't able to make it here until thix thecondths ago. Tho anyway, jutht ignore me and get back to the part where you were talking about the detailths of your thecret planths." She continued, holding up her phone, which was recording the conversation.
"I really don't feel comfortable talking with you around." Rook grumbled.
"Ooh, ith it becauthe you think I'm cute and too embarrathed to admit your feelingths?" Romin teased.
"The only person I ever truly had feelings for died a horrific, twisted death!" Rook replied darkly, a shadow coming over his face, "A mere normie like you could never understand the dark feelings of agony that twist within my gut like a razor-sharp knife. Each day I exist is just another addition to my growing tower of torment as I wait, hopelessly, for that tower to collapse in on itself and my agony to end. The only thing getting me through the slog of eternal agony that is my existence is my lust for power and the thoughts that soon I shall be able to attain the status of King of Games to take over Goha Corporation and rule the world as Supreme Edgelord!"
"Oh, and I guess Yuga will be there too, sort of." Rook hastily added.
"Torment, tower, gut, King of Games, Goha, Edgelord…got it!" Romin murmured to herself while taking notes. "What about you, Yuga? Are you jutht as gloomy as Thathuke over here?"
"HOW DARE YOU COMPARE ME TO SASUKE!?" Rook snarled. "My mother was killed by an emo ninja!"
"Well, honestly, I don't really care about becoming King of Games." Yuga shrugged. "I just want everyone to have fun with Rush Duels."
Fun with Rush Duels.
Fun with Rush Duels.
Fun with Rush Duels.
Egao sugoi desu!
At that moment, something in Rook snapped.
"What…did you just…say…Yuga?" Rook asked, voice becoming more demonic near the end.
"I always thought that winning wasn't nearly as important as the friends you made along the way." Yuga blabbed on, not noticing the demonic change coming over Rook. "It's like how you enjoy the journey instead worrying about the destination. So long as everyone has fun and smiles, it doesn't matter if you win or lose."
"STOOOOOOOOOOOOP!" Rook roared.
"What?" Yuga asked. "It's true. I mean, a big part of the game is luck, so there's no point in beating yourself up if you lose a few-…"
"NO! ENOUGH!" Rook snarled, leaning heavily against Yuga's desk while panting heavily. "Just…enough!"
He took a few deep breaths to steady himself before continuing.
"Clearly…since I still sort of need you to make my plans a reality…then I am going to have to teach you a few things. I'm going to need to restructure that whole happy egao sunshine rainbow smiley-face world-view of yours into something more…realistic."
"Okay, I got 'egao,' but you lost me with the rest." Yuga admitted.
"You, me, duel, now." Rook growled before dragging Yuga away.
Later!
"This will be a no-holds barred Rush Duel." Rook explained, cracking his knuckles. "If I win, you have to shut up about Rush Duels. But if you somehow manage to beat me, go ahead and blab as much as you want. Do you agree?"
"Yesiree bob." Yuga agreed.
"Good." Rook replied with an evil grin, "I do hope you can hold to that pathetic egao philosophy, Yuga, because it will probably be the only way you can smile after the steaming dish of butt-kicking I'm about to serve you!"
Actual Anime Dialogue
Yuga: If it's in a rush duel, there's no way I can lose!
…
"Why do I get the feeling my son is about to eat his words?" Yuga's dad grumbled from miles away.
"Mommy Aoi is content with Yuga experiencing his ups and downs so long as he eventually finds a really sweet girl." Yuga's mom shrugged before adding in a strangely Blue-Angelic voice, "Preferably someone who has lilac hair, blue eyes, who's smart, great at sports, loves music, and obsesses over Yuga-wuga like a stalker."
"Well good luck with your match-making." Yuga's dad sarcastically replied.
"Thith video ith tho getting me one-million thubthcriberth." A certain lilac-haired, blue-eyed girl who was smart, great at sports, loved music, and obsessed over Yuga-wuga like a stalker squealed with delight as she began recording the duel along with a small crowd of onlookers.
"How about…no." Rook replied. "Blood Demon Art One…GLORIFIED MATRIX EMP!"
A sudden blast of shadowy energy erupted from the palm of Rook's emo hand. In a flash, all electronic equipment, except for his and Yuga's duel disks, immediately shut down. Also, little bit of a tangent but…isn't this kind of a plot hole? How exactly DID Rook make it so that only the phones malfunctioned while the duel disks remained fine? Am I making too big of a fuss over this? Okay. Fine.
Anyway…
"Alright, who unleashed supernatural powers without proper authorization!?" Gakuto demanded, sprinting to the scene of the infraction in exactly one attosecond before quickly being joined by his posse, Ranze, who was also there.
"Word." Said Ranze, who's a character we should apparently care about since she's named and has her own page on the wiki. (Also, she's voiced by Yuna Kamakura, who voiced Ema Bessho, so maybe I should have Ranze start acting like…no, no, NO! Stay focused, Donjusticia! Now is NOT the time to indulge in your crazy fanboy fantasies!)
Where was I? Man, I am NOT on the ball today…
"What are you doing here, Gakuto?" Rook growled. "Are you going to stop us from dueling?"
"Regrettably, there is nothing in the rulebook against Rush Duels." Gakuto sighed. "However, I WILL be making sure that your recreational activities do NOT extend beyond Recess."
"Also, there is no mistaking it." Gakuto thought to himself, eyes narrowing, "That demonic scent I smelled yesterday is the same one coming from that boy now. Why has he come to this school and what could he be planning?"
"I can taste the foul nichirin coming from that uptight class president." Rook thought back. "Just you wait, slayer, I will deal with you soon enough."
"Why does it feel like the atmosphere has grown more intense…and why are there literal lightning bolts between you and Gakuto's eyes?" Yuga asked.
Rook and Gakuto looked away from each other.
"Oh, don't worry about us." Rook soothed. "After all, this duel is between you and me, Yuga. Go ahead, take the first turn. Hit me with your best shot."
"Okay!" Yuga enthused. "Boku no turn, draw! I'll start by summoning NOT Dark Magician!"
A dark, emo wizard with a pointy hat, who was NOT Dark Magician, appeared to Yuga's field, followed by the creaking of crickets as everyone waited for the other two monsters to appear.
And waited.
And waited.
"Ok, tho I'm confuthed…" Romin admitted after taking a few pictures. "ithn't the whole point of Ruth Duelths thpamming a bunch of monthterth all at onthe?"
"That seemed to be one of the main perks, yes." Gakuto agreed.
"Well?" Rook asked Yuga.
"So…funny story…" Yuga replied, rubbing the back of his neck, "I…sort of don't have any other monsters I can summon."
"Oh, this is going to be great." Rook smirked. "So, how exactly would you like to lose, Mr. If-it's-a-rush-duel-there's-no-way-I-can-lose?"
"Hey, now, I'm not out of the game yet!" Yuga protested. "I set three cards face-down, which are totally not traps, and end my turn!"
"You're a terrible bluffer." Rook replied. "But hey, you know what, I'm so confident I'll crush you that I'll just play along. Now watch this."
"Ore no turnuh, DOOOOOOOOORAW!" Rook roared, using the proper honorific and epic drawn-out Japanese for a Yu-Gi-Oh Protagonist before ripping out the top card of his deck and adding it to his hand.
"Since you seem to have forgotten how to play in your own game mode, allow me to refresh your memory." Rook mocked. "I call forth the power of two Twin Edge Dragons and the mighty Dragolite! Serve your master, my draconic minions!"
"Oooooraaaaaaaaaak!" Rooks monsters, two small dragons with twin edges (imagine that!), and a somewhat larger silver dragon, roared in whatever dragon language they spoke, defying Donjusticia convention by not making some silly quip since they were actually fearsome dragons.
"And now, since I am so heartless and edgy," Rook continued, "I viciously discard the rest of my hand in order to give each of my two Twin Edge Dragons two attacks this turn!"
"Is that bad?" Yuga asked.
"Remember to smile when you lose." Rook mocked. "Now, BATTLE! Dragolite, serve the sick, twisted desires of your master by killing yourself in a hopeless battle with Yuga's cheap GaGaGa knock-off!"
Mindlessly heeding the demonic call of its master, Dragolite launched itself at Yuga's monster, the two monsters managing to land a blow on each other before horrifically dying at the same time in a double K.O.
"That…was my only monster." Yuga gulped.
"And now it is your turn." Rook rumbled in a deep bestial voice, slit eyes glowing red. "Go forth, my minions! Rip and tear until it is done!"
"Why do I feel like these holograms are gonna hurt?" Yuga asked before getting dogpiled by Rook's two dragons.
"Oh my goth! Thith ith tho horrible!" Romin exclaimed, before pulling out her phone to record the whole thing. "Thith ith definitely getting me one million thubthcriberth to my channel. I jutht need a title…how about, 'Epic Rush Duel Fail! Thimp Gets DETHTROYED by Dragon CHAD!'?"
"I don't know what's worse." Gakuto harrumphed, "Rook's violent (and demonic) behavior, or the fact that you're exploiting it for clicks."
"Hey, I live for the applauthe, applauthe, applauthe, I live for the applauthe plauthe live for the applauthe plauthe." Romin musically retorted.
"Blood Demon Art Two." Rook rumbled, blasting Romin's phone.
"UGH! Like, are you kidding me!? Tho rude!" Romin scoffed, "You owe me, like fifty bajillion yen for a new phone, Rook. Altho, way to ruin the epic fail moment, Yuga, by managing to thurvive the attackths."
"Wait, Yuga's okay?" Gakuto exclaimed in shock before noticing a badly beat-up Yuga manage to get back onto his feet.
"So, you managed to survive with a well-placed trap card." Rook mused. "Impressive. You've managed to last much longer than most of my opponents. You should be proud of yourself."
"I'm alive…yay…" Yuga coughed before raising a quivering thumb into the air. "But seriously, you're really good even though it's your first rush duel. How did you get so good?"
"That, Yuga, is a secret so dark and horrific, that I have vowed never to share it with anyone." Rook mourned.
"Ok." Yuga shrugged.
"But since you insisted!" Rook hastily added.
FLASHBACK!
Rook: *resting in a hospital bed* Man, I love dueling, but I'm so weak and sickly. *cough cough* Truly, there is nothing more tragic than my life. Oh, I would give anything, just for a chance to be a champion duelist.
HEE! HEE!
Rook: *lifts his upper body from the bed in shock* What was that crazy demonic pop-star laugh?
Kibutsuji Muzan: *Emerges from the shadows before moonwalking into the hospital* Did I just hear someone say they'd give anything to be a duelist champion?
Rook: *Backs away in horror* Who are you?
Muzan: I can give you the power you desire, in return for a little favor from you. I'll work out the details later.
Rook: Uhm…actually…I think I'm good. Being sick isn't that bad and-…
Muzan: I don't recall asking for your opinion *Stabs Rook with his fingernail, transferring demon blood* BECAUSE I'M BAD!
Rook: *transforming* AWWWWWWWWWW!
…
"And so that's when I started defeating (and devouring) adult duelists in order to become even stronger." Rook finished.
"Blah, blah, blah?" Yuga asked, repeating back what he had heard.
"Why do I even bother?" Rook sighed.
"Because we're best friends and you're having a lot of fun in this Rush Duel?" Yuga guessed.
"Well, at the very least I'm finding you to be an amusing punching bag," Rook admitted, "Heck, it might even be fun to see you come back from this." He added with a smirk. "I mean, after all, it shouldn't be too hard for you, what with your whole egao philosophy *bleck!* and believing in entertaining comebacks."
"Oh yeah, that's right! I almost forgot why I made up this rule in the first place." Yuga laughed before completely reloading his hand with five new cards.
"…I hate what you've done to this game." Rook grumbled.
"I spam three monsters, draw a new card, tribute one of my monsters, to summon a bigger monster, and tribute two more monsters to summon my ace!" Yuga babbled, running through his plays at breakneck speed.
"So you have finally called upon my power yet again." Yuga's ace monster laughed, while holding his hand over his flaming eye-patch. "A wise decision. I, the great arch-wizard of the seven elemental roads, shall reshape the world with my explosive image!"
"And I'm also here." Torna said.
"An impressive line-up of monsters." Rook commented. "But surely you don't think even their combined power will be enough to stop me."
"That's why I'm going to be stragetic." Yuga replied.
"You mean, 'strategic.'" Rook corrected.
"That's what I said." Yuga retorted. "Anyway, I'm gonna play more smarterer than you by using Torna's effect to switch one of your dragons to defense mode."
"Skidoosh." Torna said before blasting one of Rook's dragons into defense position.
"Why the heck doeth that matter?" Romin asked.
"I'm glad you asked!" Gakuto enthused before pulling out an entire chalkboard, "Allow me to give a lengthy explanation about every aspect of monster position that most veteran Yu-Gi-Oh players already know everything about. You see, there are two battle positions monsters in Yu-Gi-Oh can have, which is indicated by whether or not the card is in the horizontal, vertical, face-up, or face-down position. Now when a card is face-up in vertical position, that is the classic attack position where it can attack and blah blah blah defense position blah blah blah flip effects blah blah blah no damage from defense position monsters blah blah blah damage wa ukeru."
"Word." Ranze agreed.
"Oh my goth!" Romin exclaimed, "Yuga wath right. You do thay 'blah' all the time."
"I know, right?" Yuga agreed. "I keep telling Gakuto to use real words, but he just doesn't listen!"
"I don't listen!?" Gakuto huffed indignantly.
"So anyway," Yuga continued, "now that you're monster's in defense, I activate the spell, 'When a face-up attack position monster you control attacks a defense position monster your opponent controls whose defense is lower than the attack of your attack-position monster, inflict damage to your opponent's life points equal to the difference between the defense of the defense-position monster and the attack of your attack-position monster' in order to do exactly what the title suggests."
"Wow…thatth a little long-winded." Romin whistled.
"If only that rather common effect could be condensed into a single key-word." Gakuto mused.
"One can always dream." Yuga sighed. "Anyway, I ACTIVATE CHUUNIBYOU MAGICIAN'S EFFECT! EXPLOSION MAGIC!"
"Oh no!" Rook gasped, suddenly realizing what position he was in. "He's using the same effect that let him beat Hologram Man! With his monster able to deal damage against my zero-defense dragon, the only way I could possibly survive this attack is if Yuga completely whiffs on the card he sends to the graveyard! But he was ridiculously lucky in his last duel, so what are the odds that he'll-…"
"And I sent a Spell Card to the graveyard…" Yuga commented. "…wow I really whiffed on this one."
Miles away, Yuga's dad suddenly clutched his stomach in pain.
"Why do I feel like our son just royally-…"
"Language!" Yuga's mom warned.
"…messed up…by forgetting to put his plot armor on this morning?" Yuga's dad finished.
"Mommy Aoi would personally be more interested in first-born Yuga having an interesting duel career in which he actually struggles and develops as a champion duelist rather than being a boring, undefeatable juggernaut hot off the press." Yuga's mom shrugged.
"I sometimes question whether or not I made the right choice marrying you." Yuga's dad growled.
In response, Yuga's mom produced a blue whip from out of nowhere.
"But those questions immediately evaporate when I remember just how much I amorously love you!" Yuga's dad amended, sweat beading on his forehead.
"In which case, Mommy Aoi will defer punishing Playmaker." Yuga's mom replied, "For now…" she added in a slightly different, more girlish voice.
"Well, just so long as Yuga only let's himself get driven into a corner so he can make an even more epic comeback, I suppose I'll be okay with all this." Yuga's dad sighed. "Otherwise, if he loses, I swear…you might be collecting on that life insurance earlier than expected."
"Well, I hope you have good life insurance." Rook sighed, cracking his neck after surviving Yuga's attacks with a perfect one-hundred life points. "Because I feel like I ought to thank you and your monsters for that near death blow you so generously gave me."
"You really want to thank me for nearly beating you?" Yuga asked, confused.
"No, that was called sarcasm, and no, I don't expect you to even know what that means." Rook sighed. "So how about I just express my honest feelings to you by directly smashing them over your head in this duel?"
"That sounds like it will hurt…" Yuga nervously replied.
"Oh it probably will." Rook laughed before beginning his turn. "Allow me to start by exploiting a couple of your own Rush Duel rules. Ore no turn…DOORAW FIVUH!"
"I'm starting to wonder if I should nerf that…" Yuga considered.
"No tack backsies." Rook teased. "I summon two adorable monsters…"
"YAY!" the elementary-school kids cheered as Rook's two adorable dragons appeared.
"BEFORE BRUTALLY SACRIFICING THEM BOTH!" Rook finished.
"Awwwwwww…" the kids whined as his two monsters died in front of their eyes.
"In order to summon my strongest ace monster!" Rook epically finished.
"Oh…okay." The kids shrugged.
"Why do I hear boss music playing?" Yuga asked as Rook's summoning portal opened up.
"What boss music?" Rook asked as his monster emerged from a stone slab.
AYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYY!
*Pillar Men Theme*
An immense, swol dragon with perfectly sculpted pecks, thighs, deltoids, biceps, triceps, quads, and glutes, gracefully glided onto the field before posing like a body builder.
"Behold!" Rook declared, "My ace monster! Rush Dragon Dragears!"
"Metalgear Solid What Now Dragon?" Yuga asked, staring bug-eyed at Rook's utterly awesome monster, who regarded Yuga with a look of bored indifference.
"I've pondered the strength of this duelist." Rook's dragon mused to itself while idly cracking its muscular neck. "But his continued reliance on sheer luck to win implies declination."
"This is worse than I thought." Gakuto grimly thought to himself. "Not only has this demon mastered 'Kimetsu no Yaiba' references, but his ace monster is a walking 'JoJo' joke. Defeating them may be harder than I thought."
"Despair, demon slayer." Rook thought back. "For this is barely even 1% of my demonic meme powers!"
"I don't know what either of those two are thinking," Yuga thought to himself. "But I should be okay because I have a face-down trap that can destroy his monsters if he attacks, and everyone knows that in Yu-Gi-Oh when a character thinks about how he/she has got a trap that can save him/her, then that is exactly how the actual events of the duel play out."
"Sorry to crush your hopes." Rook thought back, "But I think you got that exactly backwards. Dragears, show him why."
"The lackluster tool of Dark Liberation mayn't withhold the will of Dragears!" Rook's ace rumbled, proceeding to dance in a blurring motion through Yuga's monsters before simply poking Yuga's face-down with his index claw, causing the trap to liquify from sheer amazement.
"Erm…" Yuga gaped, still trying to process what was going on.
"Our hands!" Chuunibyou Magician and Torna exclaimed in shock after noticing that Dragears had effortlessly conjoined their fingers in the middle of his mind-bendingly fast dance.
"Battle." Rook ordered. "Destroy Torna."
"WHAMOO!" Dragears roared, flexing his left arm.
"AUGH! TOO SEXY!" Torna screamed before exploding.
"Did Rook'th athe monthter LITERALLY jutht flex on Yuga'th monthter?" Romin exclaimed in shock.
"And that's not all." Gakuto grimly observed. "Dragears has two biceps."
"Tho…?" Romin asked.
"So, he's only flexed one of his arms." Gakuto warned.
"Well, I hope you can have fun even in the midst of your crushing defeat." Rook sighed. "Dragears, if you would."
"I understand that you like explosion magic, magician." Said Dragears, idly regarding Yuga's ace monster. "Perhaps you would like to see a true flexsplosion from my gun-show?"
"Erm…well…I…uh…" Chuunibyou Magician stuttered.
Dragears flexed his right arm.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!" Yuga's ace managed to get out before the sheer divinity of Dragear's shiny, taught muscles disintegrated his atoms.
Yuga: 0 LP (LOSE!)
Rook Wins!
"AUUUUGH!" Yuga's dad screamed, clutching at his heart before collapsing to the ground.
"This is normal." Yuga's mom reassured herself before extracting her husband's heart medication, to be taken whenever his shattered ego ruptured his vital organs.
"I…lost…" Yuga breathed.
"Indeed you have." Rook murmured, gliding to Yuga's side. "Well, was it fun? Do you feel like you've come closer to becoming King of Games? To achieving your dreams? Perhaps you want to smile right about now?"
There was a pause from Yuga.
"No? Why not, Yuga?" Rook continued, "Well I'll tell you why. It's because losing SUCKS! It is NEVER fun to let someone have more power than yourself! What use is fun anyway? Winning is all that matters. Do you understand? You and I have the potential to reshape this pathetic world in our image with the new game mode you have created. But in order to do so, you will have to become just as strong as me!"
There was more silence from Yuga.
"Come," Rook continued in a more demonic voice, extending his clawed hand to Yuga, "embrace my dark teachings, and I shall transform you into an invincible King of Games so that we may both rule for all time!"
Finally, Yuga spoke.
"So…you're saying that you want to be BFFs and that you had a lot of fun?" Yuga asked.
Rook's mouth dropped.
"…where…in ANY of what I just said…did you get that idea!?" Rook growled.
"Because I also had a lot of fun! Good game!" Yuga congratulated, enthusiastically bouncing back and shaking Rook's hand. "It's gonna be a blast when we both become King of Games as best FRIENDS!"
Rook nearly vomited.
"At least…I won…" Rook gagged, "which means that you have to keep your promise, Yuga. This whole Rush Duel thing remains our little secret."
"Aaaaaaaaand…one million liketh." Romin said to herself.
"Wait, your phone is working!?" Rook gasped. "I blood demon arted everyone's phone! Romin's TWICE! How did this get on the internet!?"
"Well, well, well." The voice of a Goha drone teased before appearing behind Rook. "I sure hope I didn't mess up anyone's plans to keep everything a secret. Oh well, what can I say? I'm just an innocent widdle drone that's programmed to record things and has no ulterior motives of its own."
"Why you little-!" Rook seethed, "If I hadn't already used my blood demon art twice today I'd…Yuga, this is bad!"
"Why is it bad?" Yuga asked. "We're internet famous now!"
"But at a huge cost!" Rook complained. "Now Goha will know everything!"
"And why is that bad?" Yuga asked.
Meanwhile at Goha
"No! I don't know ANYTHING about Rush Duels! Please stop calling me!" a bedraggled office worker wept before hanging up on the 900th identical call that day.
"Where's the rulebook, WHERE'S THE RULEBOOK!" A judge roared, trying to sift through the stacks of past rulings on his desk.
"I can't believe I'm saying this, BUT I ACTUALLY MISS AKIRA!" One of the office workers bawled before crawling under her desk in a fetal position.
"We're getting inundated with calls about Rush Duels, President Goha." A secretary hastily explained to the company C.E.O., "None of us know where this game mode came from, or how it got past Q.A., and worse yet, I still can't see ANYTHING through this mask! What do we do President-…"?
He was cut off as Mr. Goha held up a finger, instantly silencing him.
"How odd." Goha mused to himself while gliding into his office. "I created a perfect world for them. Neat, orderly, divisible by both two and three…and still they are dissatisfied. What do they crave that I have not already given them? The six-day week? Already done. The sixty-times-six-day year? Who needed those extraneous five days anyway? Could they be complaining over the fact that I replaced the metric system? But that can't be right. After all, who wants a base ten system when you can have the six-Goha inch Goha foot, six Goha foot Goha yard, and six-thousand Goha foot Goha mile? Curious."
"And they were, innovative, changes sir." The Secretary nervously replied. "However, we do have a current problem that needs to be-…"
"I sometimes wonder why the masses pursue their own self-destruction in the mad rush of disorder." Goha sighed, cutting his secretary off again. "Such insanity, some might argue, would demand immediate and decisive recourse. But haste is the tool of reckless fools. Precision and power, those are the twin arms of the vice I shall use to reign this chaos in…and crush it."
He grabbed a walnut on his desk, before squashing it to dust between two fingers.
"We…certainly have faith in you, President Goha." The secretary responded. "Though…perhaps if I could know what you plan to do?"
"A peon like you need not concern yourself with the details of my greater plans." Goha reassured his secretary. "Long before this apparent Rush Duel revolt began, I planted the seeds that shall ensure my world order comes to fruition. In fact, I believe one of them just posted a video that's earned one-million likes."
Ending A/N: I had originally planned to make President Goha much sillier (think of King Chill from TeamFourStar's DBZ Abridged.) Fortunately, a more reasoned personality won out when I realized that I desperately needed a serious villain to balance out the overall comedy. Hopefully canon Goha won't make me regret my decision!
Thank you all for your continued support. And now, without further ado, let's respond to your reviews!
Epsilon Tarantula
Look, Epsilon, I think we both know that I am perfectly capable of telling which duel monster cards are guys and which are girls. For instance, remember that it was I who correctly identified Lunalight Cat Dancer as a cross-dressing Scottsman?
Cat Dancer: YOU WOT!?
Or the time that I was able to look past the burn-victim flesh and cybernetics and see the inner woman of Jinzo?
Jinzo: What the!?
The point is, Epsilon, that I am frankly shocked, almost too shocked for words, that you would actually ASSUME the gender of Blue-Eyes the way you just did! Who are YOU to say Blue-Eyes HAS to be a girl, just because Blue-Eyes is the reincarnated spirit of Kisara, who is only debatably, DEBATABLY, a girl? I thought you were more enlightened than that! You lose five-billion points for not being woke enough!
And what exactly, may I ask, do you have against lisps!? You think lispy people are inferior just because I have to type an abundance of "th's" whenever I write out their dialogue! SHAME ON YOU! Five-billion more points deducted.
And I can't confirm this, but my going theory is that Mr. Goha is actually three elementary kids standing on top of one another. THAT'S why he always wears the mask and cape.
Esteban
Yusaku: *crying in the middle of the data storm while eating ice-cream*
Aoi: Pregnant Aoi wants her pregnancy ice-cream NOW! Where is it, Daddy Yusaku!?
Yusaku: *Hides the ice-cream behind his back* I'll head to the store right away!
Nox Descious
Yuya and Yugo: *High-five each other* Mission "save Yuga from his terrible family" accomplished!
Selena: *Knocks Yuya and Yugo over the heads, knocking them out* Don't worry. Grandma's gonna beat some sense into grandson.
Unknowedz
1.Yusaku: Frankly, I'm ashamed that it took Yuga this long to be a protagonist. BUT NOT AS ASHAMED OVER THE FACT THAT HE LOST!
Aoi: Ok, time for more heart medication.
Yusaku: I don't want it!
Aoi: Num num heart medication!
Yusaku: Ok, maybe a little. *guzzles the bottle to soothe his wounded pride*
2.Yuri: Hah! Yuri was never born! Yuri emerged in his current form from pure hell-spawn! A perfect being of darkness like me doesn't need a mother or-…
*someone walks in*
Pegasus: Yuri-boy! You left your action figures of the bracelet girls under my comic book collection again! Such a naughty boy.
Yuri: DAAAAAAAD! Quit embarrassing me!
PinkRose
First off, Aki approves of this name, second off, thank you!
Guest
I've been working on this for hours, so I think it is only fair that I DEMAND that everyone who reads this chapter spends an equivalent time staring at the pages, even if their rate of reading makes them finish in minutes.
Dimension Se7en
Romin: I'M NOT THECRETLY A THPY!
Guest
Selena: *cracks knuckles* Are you insulting our parenting?
Yuri: I think a certain "guest" needs to be disciplined.
Yuri and Selena: *both go into their respective versions of berserk mode*
Thank you all for your continued support. Romin (who is definitely not a spy) is up next! See you all in the next chapter!