Perhaps it was the pressing need to relieve herself, or her need for a drink of water, or perhaps she'd just slept enough for one night and that woke her. As Caroline stretched under the covers, she heard the small pops of her body moving against the morning stiffness and felt the dryness of her eyes. Not ready to put her feet on the floor just yet, she pulled the covers up to her chin and lingered lazily, enjoying the warmth of her bed, her mind savouring a second of stillness before memories of Wednesday broke through the barricades.

"Shit!" She pulled the duvet over her head, the mortification still far too fresh for her liking. She'd seen Kate the day after The Incident — as she now called it — and it hadn't been pretty. She'd spotted the tall languages teacher in the corridor before morning tea and had desperately tried to evade her. Trapped by a sea of year 8 students, she had been completely out of luck unless she'd made a run for it. She briefly thought about pulling a trick from Lawrence's playbook and breaking the glass of the fire alarm, but she couldn't think of an excuse to justify it and one humiliation a week was enough.

"Kate. Hi." Caroline studiously looked out the window as though something captivating was happening with the fluffy white clouds in the sky.

"Hi Caroline." Kate, concern in her voice, peered at Caroline. "Are you okay? Is it—"

"Better. Yes. All good," said Caroline, her voice clipped and a heel jogging up and down like she was awaiting the starter's pistol. "Thank you for enquiring."

"Good. Good." Kate nodded, and kept nodding, trying to work out what she should say next. Caroline was so patently embarrassed that she felt she had to say something about the day before.

"Look, Caroline. I know yesterday was a nightmare for you, but I just wanted—"

Caroline turned her head sharply, terror leaking out the edges of her eyes.

"—to say that your secrets are safe with me. No one saw; no one will know." Kate smiled what she hoped was a warm, supportive smile. "Are you sure you're okay? I'm happy to help, you know, take you to the dentist if you need someone..."

Caroline stood there, panic clogging her mind for far too long before it spat out an answer. "Thank you Kate. It's fine. It's all fine. Thank you for your help yesterday. I hope I didn't inconvenience you too much." She smiled, but it was more of a grimace and Kate had to stifle a laugh.

"Okay. I'll see you around, then." Kate turned and walked after the year 8s heading to her classroom, her smirk garnering quizzical looks from Michael Dobson when she passed him further down the corridor. She was still smitten but it felt good to have Caroline on the back foot for a bit.

Caroline had remained where she was until Kate had turned the corner, and then she'd bolted to the safety of her office. She'd spent the rest of the day hiding there with a fictitious headache. The lie was so distressing it gave her an eye twitch and Beverley was upset enough by this apparent affliction to not only get Caroline lunch, but a pack of painkillers from the school nurse as well. That had made Caroline feel even shittier so by the end of the day she actually did have a headache, one she felt she thoroughly deserved.

The aroma of coffee finally registered and Caroline opened her eyes. She realised William's day of revising must have already begun. Thank the gods for William. She rubbed her eyes raw and sat up, deciding to get on with it.

On the way to the kitchen she knocked, then popped her head into William's room to confirm her suspicions. He didn't hear her approach under his bulky headphones while he hunched over his notes. It amazed her that her tender son had a penchant for rap music and black coffee. John always said those were signs the world might toughen him up at some point.

The proud mum slowly waved a hand in front of him and when he pulled his headphones off and smiled, she brushed the hair off his forehead before leaning in to kiss it. "Morning love. Can I top that up for you?" she offered, noticing the almost empty cup. "How long have you been at it?"

"About an hour. Decided to start with maths." He loved how his mum loved him, gently yet fiercely. Noticing some sadness still buried deep in her eyes, he said, "I could use a break. I'll come down with you for a few minutes." He worried about her being lonely and wanted to give her a little company. Since Lawrence was still tucked up in bed and wasn't expected to rise for a while, the added benefit was having his mum to himself for a bit.

Once William retreated back to his studies, Caroline settled into the quietness of the house. She was enjoying Saturdays without John underfoot, and especially the quite time with William. Had John been about, she was sure William would have remained holed up in his room, and she would have retreated to her office, leaving Lawrence and John to the rest of the house. It had only been since the fight that she'd realised John had split the family in half, well before he'd actually gone.

Caroline found she enjoyed camping out at the kitchen counter on Saturday mornings. It gave her the opportunity to casually read the paper on her laptop, and the hum of the fridge was the perfect accompaniment to munching the last piece of cold toast.

She flipped past the obituaries and landed on the horoscopes, stopping to read her own. She held no stock in them but this time hers gave her pause. People who are easy to be with are a gift. Laughter is restorative, as is the idea that you are accepted for who you are, no pretence or cover necessary.

Her mind flew to Kate, the one person outside her family who fitted the description. Even with all the embarrassments of the last few days, Kate was forgiving and had obviously covered for her. She knew she was behaving irrationally but she was horrified someone would find out about John. The internal workings of their marriage aside, the external benefits were immense. He might be a jerk, but he was a clever jerk. It didn't hurt that he was employed, published and oozed middle class academic respectability, and all of these things were vital to a middle aged woman working in a conservative school. The thought of not being married offered horrific images of loss of status, gossip and even worse, public ridicule. What the hell was the Board of Governors going to say when their Head Teacher couldn't stop her husband from fucking off with a librarian? How boring, how useless must she be to be thrown over for a Librarian?

She shuddered, grabbed her cup and headed straight for the percolator for another hit. Leaning against the bench, fingers drumming on the bench while it brewed, she took a sip before trying to calm herself. She was thinking about the Governors' meeting the following week when the vision of Kate's stupendous arse came into frame.

"Christ. I really am a lost cause," she muttered under her breath. How the hell was she going to bury this? Desire like this hadn't come up for decades, since before John. Why the hell was it coming up now? It wasn't like she hadn't thought about it occasionally while she was married, but it had never been so uncontainable. There was something about freedom from marriage that had unleashed something. God knows. Lucky Kate was so... just what was Kate? And what was it about Kate that was pushing her buttons?

Before she had a chance to ponder Kate's finer qualities, and what the hell was happening with the resurgence of her lesbian libido, Lawrence made an appearance. He asked to go to the bookstore for some new comics. She had no real plans for the day other than panicking. On a more practical level she needed to pick up a birthday gift for Beverley and do the weekly food shopping. She took the low road of distraction and bribed Lawrence with tempting new comics in exchange for help with the shopping. She headed upstairs to get dressed while her youngest son shovelled down some sugar-laden cereal like he hadn't eaten in days.

Lawrence enjoyed riding shotgun in the car and he played with the radio the entire way to Waterstones. As soon as they entered the James Street establishment, he abandoned her for the anonymity of the comic book section. His mum was well known in town and he hated it because people would think nothing of stopping her for a chat. It annoyed Lawrence no end because he had to be polite, and it always meant a delay in getting the boring errands over so he could get back to his Xbox.

Today was no different. The mother of a Sulgrave Heath student wanted a chat, oblivious to the imposition on the Head Teacher's weekend — not that Caroline usually minded. When she wasn't pressed for time she enjoyed the cachet her job gave her. In the early days at Sulgrave Heath, John had enjoyed it too — until he didn't. As his books faded from the bestseller lists, he grew resentful of living in Caroline's shadow, despite her care to not rub salt into the wounds caused by her success.

Once Caroline was free of the over-eager parent, she browsed for a vegetarian cookbook for Beverley, picking up one of Ottolenghi's classics. Birthday present found, she was walking past the stack of new releases when she spotted a large pile of the latest Roxane Gay book. She looked around, trying very hard to look casual about it. She wondered if it was safe to pick up a copy but it was impossible to be discreet when there was the possibility of parents about. She picked up the book next to it — some bollocks about airplanes and snakes — pretending to read the back of it while she completed a list of pros and cons about Bad Feminist in her head.

Pros

• It was written by a searingly good author

• Roxane Gay was well respected and the reviews had been uniformly great

• The prevailing feminist theory would work well in her current academic environment

• It would be useful for bludgeoning sexist twats like Michael Bloody Dobson

• It would be great for encouraging her students to engage with up-to-date feminist theory

• It would make her look current, and with any luck, more youthful, than her 46 years

Cons

• Roxane Gay was bisexual and therefore other people might think SHE was bisexual

She sighed. She really wasn't that brave today. A crafty smile came over her face as she remembered her iPad; she would pick up an ebook version of it. She dropped the turgid thriller she'd picked up as disguise back on its pile and went in search of Lawrence. She found him with three comics tucked under his arm and his Game Boy clutched between his hands, waging a Pokemon battle near the checkout.

While they stood in line, Caroline noticed two women in front of them in the queue. They were holding hands. It was so obvious, and they didn't even seem to care! She glanced around quickly, and was a bit affronted by their casual disregard for showing affection in public. Didn't they realise what it looked like? How bad it could be for them? It was just such bad timing and such a pointed bloody reminder. Christ, the resurrection of her dormant queerness was hounding her. It put her in a sour mood and she had no idea how to pull herself out of it. She was just not ready to deal with any of it.

She took a quick peek at Lawrence and was relieved he was immersed in his game. She was even more relieved John wasn't with her as she knew she couldn't trust him to not make some snide comment about how a plaid shirt was considered lesbian lingerie or something equally ridiculous.

She was thankful the staff behind the counter was efficient and as soon as she could, she hurried Lawrence out of the store and into the car. She sighed, the sense of safety as soon as the door shut was profound. She had not felt like this for a long time; the triggers for her panic seemed to be everywhere. She stared out the window, oblivious to the cumulonimbus clouds gathering overhead. She had no idea how she was going to manage her shifting internal landscape. And just how the hell was she going to deal with Kate?