A red wine was really what she wanted, but it was only 4.30 and there were rules about that. It wasn't the first time Caroline could see the merit in social codes that benefited the majority; she had made a habit of abiding by them. In fact, she'd conscientiously played by the rules, done everything asked of her and she'd still wound up single, headed for a divorce and bitterly unhappy. As she took another sip of her latte, she realised it was the first time she had acknowledged to herself that her need to live within society's acceptable boundaries was no longer working for her.
Since the cathartic venting with Kate, Caroline had been thinking more clearly about how she'd found herself at this particular crossroad, shit as it was. She was relieved she had a few moments to herself, to try to find some direction. As per her normal methodology, she took herself back to the start of the problem to see if a solution would become apparent. In this case, it meant going back to the start of her marriage. It reminded her that perhaps it was time to jettison her wedding ring; it wasn't like their vows and promises had been upheld. She sighed dejectedly and glared at the Forget Me Nots so rudely blooming in her field of vision, irrationally choosing to blame them because she couldn't shake free her past. They bordered the gardens, their vivid blues and purples lending a splash of colour to the grey day and she resented their exuberance while she felt so flat.
She'd met John during the final year of her PhD. He'd been a breath of fresh air, someone light and agreeable. She'd worn earnestness like a coat in those days and he'd jollied her into outings that were amusing, cheesily quoting poets and Shakespeare and speaking of love. She'd grown very fond of him, and liked the simplicity of fitting in, never having to worry about who was watching, or who might report her to the Dean. After the stresses of various girlfriends and the subterfuge required for safety and sanity, the relief of something easy pulled at her. So a week after she'd submitted her thesis, when John asked, she'd said, "Yes."
She'd spent the last twenty years benefiting from the privilege of heterosexuality. She understood the choice she'd made, at the age of 26, to go out with a man. It had made life considerably less difficult for her in so many ways. The biggest factor was more fundamental though. John meant she could marry, meant she could have children without turkey basters and the like. It also meant she could remain in her family. Her mum, her anchor throughout her childhood, had threatened to never talk to her again. That old fear still overwhelmed her. She could see what that was like for her father and imagining her mother treating her the same way was harrowing. It had been less traumatic to pretend she was straight after that disastrous fight when she was 18, and bury any evidence to the contrary. She'd become an expert at the artful dodging of questions, something she hated about herself. Being a lesbian made her a liar, and she resented how that made her feel.
So now, twenty years after setting herself up as a straight, married woman, desire was threatening her well-constructed existence once again. She'd built her heterosexual life, brick by sodding brick. And now she could see it all coming tumbling down: losing friends, losing her career, losing her mum. Christ, even possibly losing her boys. It was too much. Nothing would be worth that. The thought that any of these things might happen filled her with dread.
Caroline was descending into depths she hadn't visited in decades when a cheery, "Hi Caroline!" brought her back to the present; Kate. Caroline breathed deeply. What a blessing. She found a smile from somewhere and plastered it on her face.
"Hi Kate. Lovely to see you. What can I get you to drink? It's the least I can do if I'm going to bore you again with all the drudgery from my life."
Kate sat, chose a chai latte and waved to get the waiter's attention. She smiled at Caroline. "So. How are you today? Dare I ask?"
Caroline chuckled. "You're game, I'll give you that. Not many would come back for a second round." She ordered the drinks and told Kate about the last few days with the boys. Gathering momentum, she launched into a blow-by-blow description of a venomous phone call with John at lunchtime, the topic of which was his failure to see the boys the previous weekend. Caroline's monologue devolved from there into a general gripe about her marriage. It really was round two, and it followed the same pattern as their previous encounter.
By the time they had finished their drinks, Caroline was itching to walk. She was too close to Kate in the cramped space and all she could smell was her sweet perfume mixed with a hint of sweat. It curled in her nostrils, enticing and distracting her from the task at hand. She needed to move.
"Shall we go for a stroll? 'Get some air', as my mother would say?" Caroline looked towards the lake, observing the scattered clouds reflected on its still surface.
Kate giggled. "My mum says the same thing." She gathered her handbag and stood, following Caroline's lead. "How about the path around the lake? That should be relatively free of children."
Caroline laughed breezily, stirring gently. "Now Ms McKenzie, are you avoiding children outside your work hours? What should I think of that?"
Kate pretended to be shocked. "Why Dr. Elliott, whatever gave you that idea?" She chuckled, before wryly adding, "I had too many year 9s today. I don't think I could face another 14 year old."
Caroline nodded and briefly dropped her hand on Kate's forearm. It was meant to be a sympathetic touch, a small gesture of understanding and support, a moment of bonhomie. But the spark of energy that passed between them startled Kate and she gasped, her eyes wide as she stepped back.
Caroline froze, hand still outstretched. Something had happened and she told herself she didn't know what it was. But she did. She knew exactly what it was. She pulled her arm back like she'd been burned.
"I-I'm so sorry, Kate." Caroline was shocked at herself. The thought that she'd upset Kate was distressing. She quickly bent down to pick up her bag, searching for her purse.
"No, no, it's fine." Kate took a step forward. "I'm sorry. It must have been static electricity or something." She paused, speaking more quietly, "I don't normally react like that."
"The fault is mine. I'm sorry. Really." Caroline pointed vaguely towards the counter and said, "I'll pay. Thank you for listening. I do appreciate it." She nodded, spun on the balls of her feet and disappeared into interior of the cafe before Kate could stop her.
So Kate waited. She collected her bag and stood nervously by the edge of the rotunda, waiting for her boss. She was kicking herself for reacting like that. It was instinct, and the one time Caroline touched her — medication aside — and she'd made a complete twat of herself. Who knew if Caroline would ever be persuaded to touch her again? A thousand doubts they would ever get closer rumbled through her mind, only to be interrupted by the blonde herself.
"I should be going. Thank you for today."
Kate noticed Caroline was giving her a wide berth, clearly not wanting a repeat of the previous five minutes. Kate, not wanting their time together to be over just yet, pushed for that stroll.
"Caroline, I'm sorry if I offended you. Would you like to go for a walk? I'd rather like to, if that's still okay with you."
Caroline paused, peering at Kate intently, considered her reply. "Are you sure?" She watched Kate give her small nod. "Well, okay. If you'd like." Caroline smiled, a little uncertain about how she should react.
They set off down the path towards the lake at a slow stroll and with a large gap between them. It was a little strained again, but having negotiated awkwardness with Caroline before, Kate felt they could find their way through it again.
For Caroline, an awareness of Kate's physical proximity was a constant companion. They stepped closer on occasion as the path narrowed and each time this happened, the unwelcome passenger of Celia's voice would trill some variation of, "It isn't normal. What would people think! You should be ashamed!" Intellectually she knew Celia was wrong, but Caroline worried homophobia was so deeply cut into her psyche, so cleverly disguised, that she'd never be able to get rid of it.
To make matters worse, she was still madly shovelling eighteen years of John's accumulated shit out of her emotional system. It was hard enough trudging through that, so trying to manage her own ludicrous attraction to one of her staff as well was lavender icing on a shit cake. The last thing she needed was for Kate to submit a complaint. Clearly she couldn't touch Kate again. Ever. Nor make her feel uncomfortable. In fact, it would be better to never see her again, but the more Caroline thought about that, the more unpleasant it seemed. She sighed heavily, loud enough to inspire a response.
"Are you okay? Would you like to talk about it?" Kate watched Caroline as they walked, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. "My ears still work if you feel like giving them another bash."
Caroline snorted, turning to Kate. "Are you sure? Not had enough yet?" Her eyebrows rose, a little impressed. "My, you are a toughened listener."
"Yep. I've got 9F for Italian remember? I can survive listening to anything!" She laughed. And as she'd done so many times before, Kate steered them into safer territory until Caroline unwound enough to start speaking again.
The early evening light played softly over them as they ambled around the gardens, the floral scents guiding them to a place more peaceful. A shift happened, a gentle change from possible friendship into something more real, fragile as it was. As they approached the car park, Kate pulled Caroline into a hug. It was a little awkward at the start, but Caroline eased into the soft caress of it, letting herself feel the ache of touch, just for a moment. Caroline told herself it was what friends do, clutching onto the idea of it, ignoring the swell of emotion that followed. They both knew this was the start of something unspoken.