"Question." Sam stood in the doorway to Josh's office, slipping his hands into his pocket.
"What's going on?" Josh swiveled in his office chair to face Sam.
"Oh, the question isn't for you," Sam told him. "I need an expert to weigh in. Audrey? How much does a gum ball cost?"
Audrey looked up from her coloring. "A nickel. That's 5 cents. They have them at the mall. A whole bunch of them in pretty colors. I stop and look at them every time we go there. They have lots of flavors like root beer and raspberry. But I'm not allowed to have them. They're bad for your teeth. But I really like to look at them and imagine what they taste like. Why do you ask, Uncle Sammy?"
Sam looks at Josh who was looking at Audrey adoringly. "Where'd she learn to talk like that?"
But then he answered his own question at the same time as Josh. "Donna!"
"Daddy, is Donna back yet?"
"No," Josh answered, glancing at the clock. He'd been hoping to see her walk through the door at any minute for the last half hour.
"When will she be back," Audrey whined.
"Don't whine," Josh told her, shooting her a pointed look. "And I'm not sure. Soon, I hope."
"Toby wants to go over something if you have a minute," Sam continued and Josh rose to follow him into the communications bullpen, Audrey grabbing his hand and trailing behind with her coloring book, making herself comfortable in Sam's visitor's chair as Josh, Toby and Sam discussed a few issues in the next office.
With Audrey content where she was, Josh hung around for a while, trying to rid himself of any remaining nervous energy, and passing the time chatting with Sam.
"Donna thinks you're still pissed at her," Sam stated somewhat flatly.
Josh was immediately defensive and a bit panicked, glancing over to make sure that Audrey wasn't listening at the moment. "I'm not. I wasn't before. When did she tell you that?"
"Before she left."
"You've heard from her?" He was hopeful that she was done, but part of him hesitated at the thought that she'd call Sam before him.
"No."
"She should be done by now." She should have been back already. He was beginning to feel a gnawing in the pit of his stomach.
OoOoOoO
She's was terrified. There was no other word for it.
Donna moved quickly through the narrow halls, pale under her make-up, eyes wide and uneasy. As she encountered her co-workers everyone asked how she was doing and she gave a variation of the same answer. "Fine. It went fine. It was fine." She didn't want to chit chat, she only wanted -needed- to get to Josh
Rounding the corner into the bullpen she saw him there, at her desk. She stopped for a moment and just took him in. He looked so handsome, she thought, standing there in his causal Sunday clothes, rifling through her carefully organized filing system to read one of her messages as hie waited for her. And her heart sank- she had to tell him that she'd let him down. Again.
On one hand there was no one she wanted to talk to more, there was no one else she could count on the way she counted on him, there was no one else she trusted more. On the other hand, there was no one she hated disappointing more than she hated disappointing him, how would he react to this? Would he hate her? Was this it? The final blow?
"How'd it go?" He remained cautiously optimistic.
"I really need to talk to you for a second." She could feel the bile rising in her throat.
"What happened?" He studied her closely, concern for her evident on his face.
"I need to just... Can we go in your office?" Her eyes darted around the bullpen. She was a bundle of nerves.
"Audrey, go color at Donna's desk," Josh instructed her, ushering her out of the room.
"Donna!" Audrey beamed, bouncing on the balls of her feet.
"You can talk to Donna in a minute. Do as I say," Josh instructed her firmly but without a harsh tone in his voice. Audrey did as she was told, knowing better than to disobey her father when she was allowed to accompany him to work.
"What happened?" Alarm bells were going off non stop in his head.
Out with it, she told herself. No reason to delay the inevitable. "I was asked if I kept a diary, and I said no, only I do keep a diary."
"Why did you say you didn't?" His heart rate increased.
"I don't know." But she did know. She knew exactly why she'd denied it. To protect him. To protect Audrey.
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Nothing in the diary is relevant. I'm the only one…"
"Is there anyone else in the witness list who knows you keep a diary?"
"Well, there's nobody who knows I keep a diary, except the thing is... Cliff saw it."
Josh paused for a moment before responding. Because that pill wasn't hard enough to swallow on it's own, he had to be reminded of it in this moment. "What do you mean?"
"Cliff came to me after the deposition and told me he saw the diary when he was in my apartment."
Josh walked around behind his desk and sat down. He knew they were in serious trouble, and he was having a hard time reconciling that with the still new pang in his heart.
His silence was setting her even more on edge. "I swear it wasn't premeditated. Nothing in it was material. Nothing in it was…"
"You don't get to decide that! You don't get to decide what's material and what isn't, Donna!" He couldn't help but to snap at her.
She bit back her emotion, summing all of her resolve and telling herself not to crumble at what she perceived to be not only his anger but his tremendous disappointment in her. "Please keep your voice down."
"This is how it happens. They got nothing on the President with MS. They're trolling, then you go in and hand them a…"
"I know." As if she hadn't already beaten herself up over this, she had to listen to his detailed disappointment. It was crushing her.
"You were subpoenaed! You were under oath! You answer the damn question!"
"I screwed up."
"YOU THINK?!"
Donna stood in shock, unable to respond. She could hear the sound of her own heart beating in her ears and in that moment all she wanted to do is turn and flee. To run and never come back. Because in her heart she knew that Josh wasn't just talking about the deposition. He was talking about Cliff and the fact that now there was no way for either of them to pretend she hadn't slept with him, and how nothing would be the same again. But her feet were frozen, and finally she managed to ask the question that she really needed an answer to- "What should I do?"
"Do nothing. Do absolutely nothing." His tone left absolutely no room for discussion as Donna let herself out of the room. His mind was in overdrive. He had to fix this. It's all he could focus on. He had to fix this for her.
But the look he gave her as he said it pierced her heart. Dismayed, Donna turned slowly closed the door behind her. She couldn't hardly believe it. She never even considered that he wouldn't help her. Tears pricked the back of her eyes as she tried to hold herself together. She couldn't breakdown here at the office.
Spotting Audrey at her desk, she leaned back against Josh's closed door and took a deep, shaky breath. Then walked as slowly as possible towards the little girl who meant the world to her.
A few moments later Josh emerged, his coat already on. "Audrey Joan," he stated in a serious voice, "quickly gather your belongings and put on your jacket, please."
As Audrey hurried off to do just that, Josh turned his attention back to Donna in a low whisper. "Get your things and go home. Leave now.. Do not stop on the way. Stay there. Do not so much as touch the item question. Do not speak to anyone, do not answer your phone and do not open the door for anyone except me," he pointed towards himself. "Do you understand me," he practically growled.
"Yes, sir," she replied meekly, picking up her bag and making her way out of the White House yet again.
OoOoOoO
Donna followed his instructions, walking home as quickly as possible and willing herself not to start crying until she got home. But the moment she closed the door behind her, the wave of terror washed over her and her legs gave out and she slid to the floor. The sobs completely racked her body and she struggled to breath, never feeling more alone, or more scared. She thought she had hit bottom when she left Wisconsin 3 years ago, but nothing compared to this.
When the tears finally stopped, she lay on the floor for another moment. She wished she felt numb, but the pain in her heart still throbbed. Still, she managed to get back to her feet, and staggered to the bathroom, where she washed her face. A quick glance in the mirror showed her it had done no good.
She jumped at the sudden pounding on the door, and finding herself scared to open it, even if it was Josh.
Josh called Edith on the way home, asking her to come over quickly. He'd explained nothing other than the fact that he'd be back later and he needed her not to ask any questions upon his return. Then he had dropped Audrey off at the brownstone.
By the time he'd arrived at Donna's apartment it had already been over an hour. He impatiently pounded on the door. When Donna opened it he immediately noticed her puffy, red eyes. A huge part of him wanted to gather her in his arms and hold her and tell her he'd fix it all for her, but he couldn't at that moment. He had to keep his mind clear until the transaction was complete. And a small part of him still wanted to chastise her for sleeping with Cliff and getting them into this mess in the first place.
"Give it to me," he told her without preamble.
She knew immediately what he meant. She spun on her heel, walked quickly to her bedroom and retrieved the diary, and placed it on the counter next to where he stood. Josh didn't miss how much her hands were shaking, or the fact that as soon as she set the book down she took a step back and wrapped her arms around her tiny waist.
He knew she was barely holding it together, but his tone was still brisk. "Turn to the nights you spent with him, please."
Donna mechanically obeyed, now even more apprehensive than before. She didn't know where this was going.
But Josh didn't even glance at them. Instead he opened a kitchen drawer and pulled out a knife, then carefully removed the pages in question and placed them into a separate envelope before stuffing the diary in its entirety into his coat.
"Let's go," he told Donna, turning to exit and walking down the stairs towards the street.
She grabbed her purse and locked up before she followed behind him, too terrified to ask any questions. The rode in a heavy silence to a nearby park where Josh found a spot and pulled in, shutting the car off completely before he spoke, staring straight out the car window.
"Cliff will be here in five minutes. When he gets here I don't want you to speak to him. He's going to read your diary in the coffee shop behind us. He'll never be out of my line of vision but I'll keep the entries about him as an insurance policy. When he's done he will decide if he needs to subpoena it, and you, in the morning. If he does we will deal with that tomorrow. If he doesn't that's the end of it. Do you have any questions?"
"No, sir," she whispered in response. There was no point in asking questions. Even now, she trusted him with her life. Even if it felt like her life might be over.
"Stop calling me, sir, Donna," he practically spat with irritation. "Do you have any questions?"
She blinked several times and swallowed hard before responding with a soft "No."
"Then let's go." As Josh excited the vehicle, the door slammed shut with an echoing bang. Donna gathered her courage, and followed him. But he strode several paces ahead of her toward the bench by the fountain.
They sat in silence as they waited, Donna retreating into herself. Josh mentally coached himself to stay in political operative mode, forcing himself to look straight into the distance rather than to Donna. In order for this to work he had to look calm and collected for Cliff, even though he was slightly panicked inside. The smallest blunder could send this entire deal up in smoke, resulting in serious ramifications for all involved parties- but especially for Donna. This is what he did, he reminded himself. This is why the President of the United States kept him on salary. He made the backdoor deals. He did what had to be done in order to push his agenda through. And tonight there was only one thing on his agenda- Keep Donna Safe. He repeated the mantra in his head, never losing focus of why he was there.
Donna, however, continued to sink into a darker place by the second while left to her own devices. She was almost a shell of a person by the time Josh rose to meet Cliff by the fountain.
As Josh confronted Cliff, he remained cool, calm and collected. This is why he hadn't stopped to comfort Donna. He needed to be 100% in control of all his emotions at this moment. This was a huge bluff. He had to make Cliff believe this was absolutely not a big deal. A slight misunderstanding, easily rectified.
But when Cliff said "What's October Fourth and Fifth?" Josh almost lost control of his façade.
"You." Was his only outward response, but inside he was screaming. How could Cliff forget what happened on October 4th and 5th? He slept with Donnatella Moss! Josh was sure that if he had ever had that opportunity, the timestamp would be burned into his memory forever.
As Cliff walked away, Josh paused for a moment, truly thinking over what he'd just done. And realizing that he'd handed over one of Donna's most intimate possessions to the opposition. As he returned to her, Josh slowed his stroll, taking her in. He'd been too hard on her over the past few hours, he'd decided. This had to be hell for her, and he didn't want her to feel alone for another minute. He wanted to go caveman and claim her. To love and protect her, but in that moment he knew he couldn't. She didn't choose him and he has to respect that.
But he could let her know that he respects her. That he loves her as a friend.
"It's going to be fine," he reassured her as he sat down. He just hoped to God it would be. He took the risk of placing his arm around her, softly rubbing her back. She flinched slightly at his touch, which only served to further his heartbreak.
In that moment Josh realized he had a very wounded Donna on his hands. He was a fixer by nature, he reminded himself, and as soon as the diary situation was fixed, he could start working on fixing Donna.
The next hour passed slower than Josh thought possible. As soon as he sees Cliff approaching at the end of the hour, Josh gets up and walks briskly towards him, wanting to keep Cliff as far away from Donna as possible.
Cliff offers Josh the diary. "You should read it." He suggests gruffly.
"No."
"You really should."
But Josh just stares him down, waiting for the verdict. Cliff shrugs his shoulders in defeat, and tries to peak around Josh to see Donna. Josh intentionally shifts his stance to once again obscure Cliff's view. And continues to wait.
Finally, Cliff continues, "Look, I'm not going to subpoena it. As far as I'm concerned this ends now."
"Alright, then." Josh nods his head curtly, "See you around, Calley."
Cliff turns to go, shaking his head in slight admiration. Josh really does know how to play this game. At least he knows that Donna's in good hands. "Goodnight, Lyman."
OoOoOoO
Josh's car pulled to a stop. Donna had yet to say a word to him, but found herself somewhat surprised when he'd driven her directly to his residence.
He placed the vehicle in park and turned to her. "He's not going to subpoena it.." He handed the diary back to Donna.
"Are you going to read it?" Her voice was shaky at best.
"No, I'm not. I won't invade your privacy like that. And I'm sorry if I made you feel vulnerable tonight."
"You protected me," she softly choked out. "You saved me."
Josh said nothing to that, unsure how to respond. "If it's okay with you, I'd like to keep this envelope as insurance that everything goes according to plan," he continued. She nodded her consent and he pulled a pen out of his console and signing the seal before handing it to Donna to do the same.
"It's over," he told her. "Let's go inside."
He walked to Donna's side of the vehicle and placed his hand on the small of her back, leading her up the stairs to his apartment. As soon as they stepped inside he gently helped her remove her coat.
"Donna!" Audrey came running as Edith followed behind.
Donna enveloped Audrey in a giant hug, pulling the child especially close.
Edith took one look at Donna and immediately knew that whatever they'd been up to that evening, it was serious. "I'll make some tea," Edith offered quietly.
Josh nodded his appreciation as she slipped into the kitchen to begin.
Josh turned to hang Donna's coat on the rack and removed his jacket as well.
Audrey, realizing that something was off, pushed herself back ever so slightly and blinked a few times, tilting her head to look at Donna. "Don't cry, Donna," she softly requested, reaching out with her tiny hand to wipe Donna's silent tears away the way that Donna had done for her so many times before.
Josh, as soon as he'd heard the words leave Audrey's mouth, was on high alert. He sat up and moved closer. "Go help Bubbe," he instructed Audrey, sending her into the kitchen as he moved to Donna towards his bedroom, pulling the door mostly closed behind them.
"Sit down," he told her, opening his arms to her as he sat back and she made herself comfortable against him, during her face in his shirt for a few moments. "Why are you crying," he asked her while softly stroking he hair.
Her shaky breaths were her only response.
Josh crushed her to his chest, holding her close again. "It's all going to be okay, Donna. You have to believe me."
Josh continued rubbing Donna's back as she cried until Edith's voice called through the door. "Donna, I've got some tea for you. Can I come in?"
Donna pushes herself away from Josh and nods, while wiping at her eyes.
"Yeah, Ma, come on in." Josh responded, when it became clear that Donna was in no condition to give her answer out loud.
Edith took one look at Donna and decided it was time to mother. She'd grabbed a tissue from the box in the hall bathroom and handed it to Donna with the tea, taking care to make sure it didn't spill in Donna's shaky hands. "It's hot," she warned. "Sip slowly."
Josh took the opportunity to slip into his bathroom to run a warm bath for her, pulling a fluffy towel from his linen closet. When he returned to his bedroom he found his mother still perched next to her, a gentle hand on her shoulder as she coaxed Donna to take another sip of tea.
"It's ready when you are," he stated softly. Donna looked at him for the first time in hours and nodded. Josh extended his hand to help her up as she made her way into the en suite. "We'll talk more after you take a bath," he assured.
"While you are in there," Edith chimed in, "I want you to remember that no matter what happened today, you are a part of this family and we love you very much."
"I'll be right here if you need anything. Take your time," he told her as he pulled the door to the bathroom closed behind her.
"I'll leave you be," Edith told Josh, standing to make her way back to the living room. As she opened the door Josh caught a glimpse of a wide eyed and somewhat fearful Audrey standing vigil outside the door.
"Come here," he told her quietly, popping her onto his knee as soon as she was close. "Donna isn't feeling good right now," Josh tried to explain. "So we're going to be quiet and play gently tonight, okay?"
Audrey nodded her understanding.
"Go pick out a move and we'll watch it with you in a few minutes, okay?"
"Okay," Audrey climbed down and skipped away with Walter to find a movie.
When she exited the bathroom, clad in a pair of her pajama pants that tended to reside in his top left drawer and his oversized Harvard sweatshirt she looked only marginally better. She wrung her hands awkwardly, halfway waiting for him to tear into her again.
He stepped towards her and rubbed her arms softly, trying to figure out where to begin.
He tips her chin up so he can see her. "Donna, look at me, please." She reluctantly met his eyes and he saw, for the first time, just how terrified she was. The weight of his realization was crushing and suddenly all he can think about is how to fix it. "I'm sorry for the way I reacted this afternoon. It was brash and uncaring and- I never meant to speak to you that way. I was just scared, Donna. Scared of what could happen. But I'm not mad. You know that, right?"
Her eyes flicked away and he realized that she, in fact, didn't know that. "God, Donna. I couldn't stay mad at you. And you're by no means in trouble. I just- it scared me, alright? But I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I promise you that much. I'll always do whatever I can to protect you and if it comes down to it, Donna, you know I'll stand in front of you." He leans in and gently kisses her forehead, wrapping her in a hug. And when he felt her begin to relax into him in response to his words he continued.
"You know, Cliff actually turned out to be a decent guy. For a republican. I'm not your father. I had no right to forbid you from seeing him. But please be careful, okay? I can't stand the thought of you getting hurt. You really should keep it on the down low, especially until the hearing is over."
She couldn't bring herself to speak, but she gave a slight nod in acknowledgment that Josh was trying to be kind.
When Audrey called him out of the room, Donna lay back on the bed and she swore she could actually feel her heart breaking. She doesn't want Cliff. He really was pretty decent throughout this whole thing but it's been a truly horrible day. The one bright moment was when Josh told her it would all be fine and for a second she thought he cared. But he just compared himself to her father and gave her permission to date another man. It's pretty clear that he cares for her on some level, but never in the way she had hoped.
"DONNA!" Audrey bellowed so much like her father, it actually hurts. Donna wiped her face off and joined them in the living room to watch The Little Mermaid. Even though she felt like her dream had been shattered she'd put on a good face and be thankful that at least she still has some place in this family.
As she slid into her spot on the couch she coiled her legs up to her chest, feeling out of place for the first time in years. Josh raised an eyebrow at her body language and shifted a bit, lifting the blanket that was covering the spot next to him. They always sat head to toe, their legs usually finding their way to intertwine with each other throughout the course of the night. Audrey would be up and down a hundred times during the movie, eventually curling up with one of them before falling asleep.
Donna unsteadily moved to her normal position and Josh covered their legs with a warm blanket, tucking the ends under her feet and resting his hand on her calf. Edith took her place in the chair with the ottoman and Audrey, already in her pajamas, crawled onto Donna's lap with a small blanket of her own.
Donna was comforted by the presence of all three members of the Lyman family and found herself calming down a bit from all the events of the day. Still, she felt like she'd completely ruined any chance she'd had with Josh. If nothing else, she was just grateful he hadn't kept her away from Audrey.
Towards the end of the movie Audrey finally lost the battle with sleep and curled closer in to Donna as her breathing evened out.
"Well," Edith offered, "It's late and I think we could all use a bit of sleep. Come on, Donna, I'll drive you home." She stood, gathering the younger woman's belongings and her own purse.
Josh moved to take Audrey from Donna, transferring the little girl into his arms without waking her.
"Get some sleep, Donnatella," he whispered, kissing her softly on her cheek. "Tomorrow is always a new day."