It was shortly after 8am when Caroline woke to hazy morning light filtering through the curtains. A satisfied smile appeared as she recalled her night with Kate. She rolled onto her back in the middle of her bed, arm flung over her eyes, shielding them from the outside world, the smile widening as images of Kate filtered through her consciousness. It was in that moment she felt something deep inside her shift and she knew it was due to more than a lack of proper sleep. The memory of how Kate's arms felt as deep as the night and her desire to stay lost in them forever overtook her on a cellular level. She couldn't remember having the level of intimacy with John like she'd just experienced with Kate. The excitement of every moment with a new lover had even given her a little insight into what he might have been after when he first took up with Judith, when everything was fresh and tantalising.
As she lay there, all she could think about was how reverently Kate had explored her body. The more Kate had stroked and caressed her, the more comfortable she became with Kate having that contact. She even marvelled at how Kate had put her at ease about her caesarian section scar. At one point, while they were sharing their secrets, Kate had been playfully walking fingers along her ribs and headed towards her hips when Kate's fingertips landed on that permanent totem of motherhood. They had remained there, gently exploring the raised ridge of tissue. Caroline had moved her hand to cover it, but Kate had stopped her.
"William or Lawrence?" Kate asked quietly.
"Lawrence. It was an emergency so it's a little bigger than it should be," she explained.
"It's beautiful. Almost like a smile," Kate reassured her. "You're beautiful."
"So says the woman with the perfect body. My tummy used to be smooth and flat before the boys." She sighed with resignation. "Motherhood moves a body on." Caroline had no idea how to find the words to admit she was concerned Kate would realise she wasn't as physically fit.
"Never regret what having babies does to you. Without those changes, you wouldn't be lucky enough to have your boys," Kate said as she pulled Caroline in for a searing kiss.
The sound of the boys making their way to the kitchen finally pulled Caroline from her high Egyptian thread count cocoon. A short time later, clad in her old robe, she sat, bleary-eyed at the kitchen bench, still in need of a shower but not wanting to wash off Kate's scent yet. She smiled to herself, the soreness of her muscles as she stood to clear the remnants of the kids' breakfast dishes serving as a reminder of their active night.
She was relieved to have some time on her own to process some of her thoughts about it all before needing to launch into her obligations for the day. As if on cue, Celia intruded, unannounced, as Caroline was wiping down the bench.
"Morning love," Celia chirped. "I forgot to buy milk when I went for my paper. Can I borrow some?"
"Sure, if there's any left in the carton. I can pick some up for you later," Caroline offered, reaching for her cup, relieved Celia didn't move to sit down.
"You were out late. Did you and your girlfriend have fun at that show? What was it called again?" Caroline all but choked on her tea, despite the innocent inquiry.
"The Vagina Monologues. The WI put it on. I went with one of the teachers to support another staff member who was in it. It made a fun change from sitting through Shakespeare." Caroline took another sip of her tea, trying to look distracted so her mum wouldn't linger further on the topic.
Celia wrinkled her nose. "Imagine the WI doing something like that. They've really gone down hill since that calendar thing, haven't they?"
"How was your night?" she asked, not wanting to dignify her mum's judgmental comment with a response.
"I spent it on the email. William's been teaching me. He's very patient. May I take you and the boys out for lunch? It feels like I haven't had anytime with you lately and I owe William a treat," Celia said. She stared at Caroline's clothing, a frown descending before she announced with certainty, "That robe has seen better days."
"And one of these days I'll get around to buying a new one," Caroline retorted. "It's not been on my list of priorities." In an effort to shift Celia back to the granny flat, she added more peaceably, "I can be ready to go about one o'clock. Lawrence has a group science project to finish so it'll just be William and me."
"Then let's go to Cafe Imperial in Parliament Square… I'll come over at one. You might want to spruce yourself up; you never know who we might meet there," she said as she picked up the milk carton and padded back down the hallway.
Relieved the visit was relatively painless, Caroline refilled her tea cup and settled back onto her stool. Looking down at her robe, she noticed a spot of jam on its frayed sleeve. It was then that she decided she needed a new one; there was no way she would feel comfortable being seen by Kate when wearing it. Kate. Her girlfriend, Kate. She felt a knot in her stomach at the thought of saying that out loud to anyone. The knot grew tighter at the thought of having her stay over and seeing her new robe. She wondered if she'd have the nerve to do so with her mum in the granny flat and the boys one landing away, but she knew she wanted more nights with Kate like last night. She willed herself to find a way to make it happen.
The more tea she drank, the more Caroline recognised that it wasn't just a night of passion; it was a night of intimacy. She'd enjoyed Kate's complete attention as they chased their shared desire for each other up against the threat of the inevitable sunrise. She hated leaving; having to leave; before dawn as she hadn't wanted the night to end.
Their night together was a stark reminder of the depth of pleasure she'd been denying herself for most of her adult years; she wanted more, despite the heavy chains of inertia. She wasn't sure if she was more afraid of the path forward, or of selling herself short by staying safely within the boundaries of heteronormativity. She knew she was at a tipping point, but she needed to screw up the courage and dive head-first over the edge into the life she really wanted.
She wandered slowly up the stairs and as she stepped into the shower, Caroline was struck by how Celia's intrusion into her brain was like a bucket of cold water on her over-heated thoughts about Kate. Celia's constant reliance on her for everything, right down to a pint of milk, was a deep concern for Caroline. When she coupled that dependence with Celia's constant worry about the opinions of other people, Caroline feared her rigid mum would never accept Kate. Although Caroline didn't want to need her mum's approval, she knew that her coming out now could be the wedge that permanently severed their often precarious relationship, leaving Celia truly alone. She didn't want that on her conscience, and already felt too much for Kate to subject her to Celia's small-mindedness. Growing anxious at the thought of Celia's vitriol, she vigorously lathered her hair, willing the shampoo to wash away the memories from her university days that suddenly haunted her. She'd need to paper over the deep claw wounds of the past if she was to survive lunch with her mum today.
As the car passed the town hall, Celia burbled along about the special Earl Grey tea she wanted to pick up at a nearby shop while William stared out the window. Both were oblivious to the quiet meltdown Caroline experienced behind the wheel when Sweet Love sang from the speakers. Unbidden but not unwelcome despite the timing, memories of Kate caressed her skin, causing her to shiver.
She had forgotten how much she enjoyed the intimacy of conversation after sex, or even during a pause in between. With Kate, she loved how the conversation flowed between them, especially the verbal foreplay. Caroline felt challenged to keep up at times and at others knew she delivered what her lover wanted. Lover. She rolled the word around in her mind. Could she now really call Kate her lover? Was one night enough to establish that bond? How soon could they repeat it? She needed to repeat it. Every second of it was seared into her brain and seemed to be playing on an endless loop.
She hadn't noticed Kate turn on the music and the volume was so low it never fully registered until Kate started humming along.
"Who is this? I know, I know it," Caroline asked, thankful her breathing was finally returning to a more normal rhythm.
"I'll bet you do. Actually, these lyrics are really fitting," Kate responded. "'I hope you think I'm girl enough, I hope you believe in chemistry for two,'" Kate crooned in her ear, causing Caroline to chuckle lightly.
"Anita Baker. Nope. You are definitely woman enough," she said, flicking her eyes down to enjoy Kate's exposed breasts, following with her mouth to kiss the tops of them. "I used to listen to her back in the 80s."
"Your turn. What song fits this moment?"
"I didn't know there'd be a quiz." Caroline was silent for a minute, time she spent savouring the smooth softness of Kate's skin against her own, buying time. She found concentrating difficult because all she wanted to do was kiss every inch of Kate and start over again when she finished. Recognising her blood warming again, she finally offered, "I think it has to be 'The Party Kings.'" Noticing Kate looking less than impressed, she purred seductively, "I'll stop the world and melt with you."
"Oh, top marks for originality with that one," Kate laughed easily. "For a minute I was afraid you'd come up with 'Kiss Me Kate.'"
"I promise won't go there, as long as you don't start with 'Sweet Caroline,'" she retorted. "Too many misguided jerks tried that as their pick up line back in the day."
Kate chuckled. "Bollocks. And there was me planning to have the choir perform that at our next assembly as a thank you for tonight."
The mood in the bed suddenly turned cold as Caroline's heart sank, the pressing threat of disclosure intruding on their idyll.
Caroline cleared her throat, but before she could speak, Kate reassured her. "Caroline, it's okay. I can be discreet. No one at school needs to know about us...not until we know what we are."
Caroline exhaled with relief as the butterflies in her stomach settled a little. "How did you know…about me in the first place? I've wanted to ask but wasn't sure how to…was it something I said or did, or...?" A sharp stab of fear lanced through her. "Do you think anyone else knows?"
"No! No, Caroline. I've never heard anyone at school say anything of the kind." The fear subsided as Kate soothed her with hands and voice. A small smirk played on her face.
Caroline narrowed her eyes suspiciously, waiting for the explanation.
"It was that day outside the dentist. You fondled my arse and remarked about wanting to go home with me. I was disappointed you didn't remember it so I could take you up on the offer when the drugs wore off." She giggled. "At least my patience has been rewarded tonight," she said, lightening the air between them.
Caroline released her hold on Kate long enough to brush the hair out of her eyes before her hand followed the path of Kate's body down to that well-toned bottom, gently caressing it. "It wasn't until after you'd gone that I'd remembered," she squeezed Kate's arse and then smirked suggestively, "But your posterior is worthy of posterity," she said chuckling.
Kate's laughter seemed to echo around the car, only heard by Caroline as she turned the car onto Parliament Street, but as that laughter faded, tension rose from the potential fallout from revelation of their relationship at Sulgrave Health. She wondered how she'd navigate the sharks there if they made a go of it, yet in that moment, not making a go of it was inconceivable.
Caroline gripped the steering wheel, thankful for the temporary feeling of control in her hands. She felt like she was being flung against walls, oscillating between the breezy joy of Kate and the age-old fears that had her manacled in their grip.
Any thoughts of Sulgrave Heath brought the very real horrors of the Board finding out she was a lesbian crashing through her mind. She could see the series of horrors falling like dominoes: the gossip, the meetings behind her back, the ignominy of being called before them to explain her relationship with Kate. She knew they could find a thousand ways to make life difficult in an effort to push her out of her job. All it would take was a whiff of this and everything she had worked for could disintegrate.
She would never survive the public ridicule, nor would her family, and Celia would be there with an acidic 'I told you so' to deepen the wounds. Even if she survived, she worried about the toll it could take on her boys, especially Lawrence. Her youngest was vociferously protective of his dad, but she feared he wasn't quite mature enough to understand adult relationships. She had no idea how he'd cope with the shifting landscape of his parents, let alone how he'd cope at school if word escaped about her and Kate. At least William would soon be off to university and out of the line of sight if it all soured. How would they cope with the rumours and bullying if her desires were revealed? Her life, already fraying, might come apart at the seams.
Kate. Just the thought of her was like a balm to her insecurities. While Celia droned on in the seat beside her, Caroline returned her focus to the gorgeous and kind Kate, wishing she were with her instead. Caroline breathed deeply, like she was breathing in the possibilities of a new life, one in which she was safe and supported and openly acknowledged to be in a relationship with Kate. As terrifying as her worst fears were, she sensed the bone deep relief of finally being seen, of finally being appreciated for the woman she was and the need to stop hiding that part of herself. That tiny light at the end of the path was there. She wanted to find a way to that warm and loving place, one which included her sons and Kate. The winding road in front of her gradually filled with the afternoon traffic in Harrogate, and she turned her attention to the Sunday outing with her mum and William. So many paths. So many decisions. So many possibilities. She so wanted to go there.
A/N: Thank you all for reading, and a special thank you to everyone who took the time to post a comment. You all helped us to keep going during this unprecedented time.
This fic started as a conversation between Dis-Moi and KatieDingo about whether Caroline was telling the truth to Michael Bloody Dobson about "having a fling," or if it was Kate who was honest when she revealed they'd only "kissed twice." So between those tidbits of information in canon and the opening scene in S01E05 in Caroline's office, we decided it was much more likely that these two had been intimate before Caroline dumped Kate in episode one. So how did they get to that point, and what pushed Caroline to dump Kate and take back her pretentiously necrotic sleezebag?
We had no idea how we were going to get from A to Z; it was a matter of starting with Caroline throwing shoes at John, and finishing just before Celia whines about her dead husband in the posh cafe in episode one. Everything else the characters told us along the way. What we did know was that we wanted to write a story that was a bit sharper and revealed some of the brittle rawness Caroline exhibits early on in the series. We also wanted to show some of the intensity of the change Caroline would have gone through in order to metamorphose from straight and married, to lesbian and with a partner, even if she resisted attempts along the way to push her out of the closet. We wish we could have rewritten large parts of canon such as Caroline taking John back, or give Caroline and Kate the happy ending they deserved.
We hope you enjoyed the fic as much as we enjoyed writing it. Thank you for the lovely distraction during this time of plague. May you all be safe and well and happy.
Dis-Moi and KatieDingo