As soon as her flight touched down at National, Donna was on full alert. She had a lot to accomplish in the next few days and she didn't want to be the subject of media scrutiny in the process. She'd hailed a cab and headed for her apartment, she wanted to get through boxing her up her minimal belongings as quickly as possible. She could sort through it all later, she assured herself. She just had to pack and go. She thanked her lucky stars she'd formed a friendship with her landlady, who had left her a stack of assorted moving supplies inside the apartment.
Once she was inside, she surveyed the stitutation. She'd already had several calls on her advertisement to sublease the 1 bedroom furnished apartment. In fact she had an appointment in just a few hours. All she needed to do was pack up her clothes and personal belongings. She made quick work of it, not giving herself any time to think. She did really have that many clothes but made up for it by owning more shoes than she practically needed, but they all went into a box too. All her pictures and mementos quickly followed. Her small bathroom took no time at all.
Once she'd finished packing, in record time, she sat her boxes to the side. Her father and Chris would be in town the next day and they would carry the boxes. The first appointment was right on time. The applicant had provided the requested security deposit and first month's rent, and had quickly signed the lease. Donna assured her that a professional would come in to clean over the weekend and the place would be hers on Monday.
Glad to have that out of the way, Donna hailed a cab and made her way to Georgetown. She took a deep breath and steeled herself before entering Josh's building. Somehow she'd summoned the strength to slip the key into the lock and let herself inside, closing the door to the completely still apartment behind her.
It wasn't that Donna hadn't processed all that had happened over the prior weeks, but rather that she hadn't been faced with the reality that Josh wasn't in Washington. It was easy to displace her emotions when she was out of town and busy caring for Audrey, but now, in the empty apartment, there was nowhere to hide.
Typically, when she entered the Lyman home, the three bedroom condo was bustling with life. Audrey's laughter and Josh's bright greeting were instantly missed. She half expected to hear him ranting about tax incentives for corporations as he chased Audrey around with a small periwinkle cardigan in his hand, trying to convince his little girl that she needed to put on her sweater.
She felt the the memory, which seemed so close but completely out of reach, simultaneously tug her lips into a tiny smile and break her rapidly beating heart.
As much as she hoped that she'd wake up from this nightmare or at least that her semi frequent conversations with Leo would resolve some of the dread she'd been feeling, she had to move forward as if this could be a long-term arrangement. Josh was sentenced to two years. She knew the appeals process wouldn't be fast, especially given his plea. And from what she'd pieced together, there probably wouldn't even be an appeal, just a vague hope of a political solution. She needed furniture for the cabin. Audrey needed her clothes. She had to try to make a life for them, even if there was a gaping Josh Lyman sized hole in her heart.
She tried her best to emotionally remove herself from the situation, she needed to be practical right now. She began moving about the living room with a pad of brightly colored post it notes, marking the pieces that would need to go into the van with a yellow sticky. Honestly, they needed most of this stuff. She was relieved that Josh had paid the condo off early and she wouldn't need to sublet it. She could take what she needed and leave the rest. She was able to move efficiently through the living room, marking the couch, end tables and a few lamps, as well as the dining room table. She boxed up a few stacks of books, personal items and photographs before moving onto Audrey's movies, which sat stacked under the television.
In the kitchen, she quickly tagged all of the small appliances. They'd need those, as well as all the dishes, glasses and flatware, but she'd pack them later. She might as well take all of the food in the cupboards too. She opened the refrigerator, glad that she had gotten rid of anything that would spoil before she left town. There wasn't much to get rid of in there, but she should empty the freezer, she supposed.
Once she'd made her way to Audrey's room, Donna was immediately glad that she'd recently changed over the closet, ridding it of items that had become too small or were out of season. Donna quickly packed up several boxes of toys and linens. She'd already decided to move all of Audrey's bedroom set to Colorado in an effort to ease the transition to new surroundings.
Thinking of Audrey, Donna glanced at her watch and decided that this would be a good time to call her. She'd promised that she'd call her every day, and she certainly wasn't going to break that promise. Audrey should be up and finished with breakfast by this time. Now that she'd accomplished some things and wasn't feeling quite as overwhelmed, she could put on a cheerful voice for her little girl.
"Hello? This is Audrey speaking."
"Very good, Audrey. I like your manners."
"Donna! Bubbe it's Donna!"
Donna could hear Edith laugh softly in the background, knowing full well who was calling before she let Audrey answer.
"I'm so glad you called! Bubbe and I are having fun but I miss you!"
"I miss you too, Sweet Pea. But guess what I'm getting ready to pack right now."
Audrey thought for only a moment. "My kitchen?"
"Yes! Your play kitchen."
"Don't forget all my dishes, and all my plastic food. And I need my chef's hat and apron. . . And Walter's hat and apron too. You won't forget it, Donna, will you?"
"No, I won't forget it. I promise. Can you put Bubbe on the phone now?"
As soon as she finished reassuring Edith that everything was going smoothly and that she'd be back soon, Donna ended the call and moved on to the office. She worked diligently to box up all of Josh's paperwork. She didn't bother to sort anything, because she knew that the best course of action would be to move the entire contents of his study to Colorado. Though Josh wouldn't have left anything sensitive laying around, Donna still didn't want to risk the chance of his personal documents falling into the wrong hands. If his belongings were with her, she'd know they were secure.
Pulling open the middle drawer of his desk she stopped, blinking the rapidly welling tears in her eyes. She'd been avoiding her emotions all morning, and for the better part of the last weeks, but she'd reached her tipping point.
Donna slowly pulled out a neat stack of items stored carefully in the drawer. He'd saved many keepsakes from Audrey over the years, but Donna held a particular subsection of those items in her hand. Photos of the three of them, cards with heartfelt messages signed with love from Audrey and Donna and drawings depicting the three of them as a family.
She curled up in Josh's desk chair and took her time looking through each of the memories. There were simple moments, most that she remembered fondly, and a few that she was certain she hadn't seen before. Photos of Audrey's class visit to the White House, snapshots of holidays and birthdays for all three of them, and simple, quiet moments. Donna couldn't help but to smile at an old snapshot of a tiny Audrey sleeping peacefully on her chest as she dozed in a chair at the Lyman's old Westport home. Donna flipped the photo over, hoping to find a date. Audrey couldn't have been more than a few months old. She immediately found Josh's handwritten timestamp on the back of the picture.
My Girls
July '98
She blinked back the heavy tears welling in her eyes for a brief moment before deciding to allow herself the emotional purge she'd been fighting off for weeks. She wasn't sure how long she'd cried, the sobs shaking her entire body as she felt the loss of his presence all over again. The physical pain in her chest felt as though it belonged there as she wondered how one person could feel so suddenly empty inside.
She wanted, more than anything, to be near him. To feel his arms around her once again, reassuring her that they'd make it through this together. But he wasn't there, and Donna had never felt more alone in her life.
When her tears were interrupted by a strong knock on the front door, Donna wiped her eyes and attempted to control her breathing as she made her way to the foyer. She didn't bother to check her appearance in the hallway mirror. She was certain she'd be alarmed at what she saw, but she was well past caring. Whomever was in the hallway would just have to deal with it. She could only be strong for so many people.
Opening the front door, she felt her chin begin to quiver again when she spotted Sam standing on the other side, a distraught look on his face.
"I know," Sam immediately soothed, stepping inside and wrapping Donna in his arms. "I know."
Donna closed her eyes for a moment, resting her tear stained cheek against Sam, finally able to seek comfort in a friend.
"We're all going to get through this," he assured her, though his voice sounded less than confident. "We're going to get him through this. He's going to be okay."
Donna felt a few silent tears slip as Sam squeezed her tight. She didn't bother to move from his friendly embrace, slowly opening her eyes only when she heard another noise. Toby stood a foot away from her, a sad smile on his face, his hand clutched to his heart.
"Toby," she greeted him softly. "Thanks for coming."
"Of course." He nodded slowly, shoving his hands into his pockets where he stood. "That's what family does."
OoOoOoO
Donna sat outside Leo's office, halfway listening to Margaret's chatter, but unable to completely tune out the conversation between the Chief of Staff and Sam that was bleeding through the door.
Toby and Sam had made a pot of coffee and then driven Donna to the White House for a meeting that morning.
She'd packed her belongings from her desk and gathered Josh's personal effects from the DCoS office quickly and efficiently, determined to keep her head held high no matter how difficult. When she'd returned to her desk, she found Margaret, who greeted her with a warm hug and walked her to Leo's outer office.
"How… HOW can you sit here and tell me that when Donna is in the next room? I told him I'd watch out for her and now you want me to just sit here while you tell her you're… giving up?"
"I'm not giving up!" Leo's voice boomed back leaving no room for misinterpretation. "That man is a son to me, Sam. So I'd appreciate it if you'd stop acting as if I've thrown in the towel. You don't think I'd walk over to the Speaker's office and let him cuff me and take me to jail if I thought it would save Josh? Do you think I wanted this? Do you honestly think I had ANY idea he'd pull something like this?"
"Gentlemen." Even on the other side of the door Donna could tell immediately that President Bartlet had just taken control of the room. "No one was more surprised by Josh's actions than I. And though I'm afraid I bear most of the blame for the final outcome believe me when I tell you I'd never have willingly asked him to fall on the sword. I'm also certain that the last thing he'd want is for us to spend valuable time fighting amongst ourselves while he carries the weight of my burden. It's not what I want but it's the way that it is. And might I remind you that there's nobody in Washington better at political strategy than he is. So, Leo, Sam, whatever it is that Josh does, you're going to let him do it."
"Yes, sir," she heard them both reply only a moment before the office door opened.
"Donnatella." President Bartlet stood in the doorway.
"Mr. President." Donna hopped to her feet.
"I'm genuinely sorry for the circumstances, but it is wonderful to see you."
He motioned her inside, where Toby nodded a silent hello and Sam faced the outside widow, his arms crossed in front of his chest in frustration.
"Hey there, kid." Leo offered the most genuine smile he could conjure, crossing the room to embrace Donna. He led her gently to the couch in his office, unbuttoning his suit jacket as he sat down in the chair nearest her. "How are you holding up?"
Leo's concern was genuine. He knew everything that was currently on Donna's plate and sincerely wished he could do more for her.
Donna made a bit of small talk, but all that she really wanted was to get down to business. She was at the White House for a reason, and there was nothing more important to her than being an advocate for Josh and Audrey.
President Bartlet chimed in with a few follow up questions about the Colorado house and asked after Audrey and Edith, but he certainly wasn't his usual talkative self. Donna could easily see he was holding back. She just couldn't figure out why.
Though she was typically one for protocol, her emotions had taken over and she was well past the point of sitting quietly while Senior Staff and the President handled the situation. This wasn't a foreign spending negotiation or finding leverage to pass a budget. This was Josh's well being. This was personal.
"Sir?" Donna swallowed, summoning the nerve to jump right in to the conversation.
"Yes?" President Bartlet had always been such a kind and understanding man, treating his senior staff as though they were his family. Donna could see the emotion on his face and knew that this was no different.
"Why… Why can't you just pardon him?"
Donna felt the tension immediately flood back into the room.
"I want to, Donna." The grief stricken look on the President's face reminded Donna that perhaps they were still all in this together. "But I have to trust the guy in the room on this one."
Donna shook her head slightly, trying to determine what exactly that meant, but before she had time to overanalyze the situation, the cell phone on Leo's table rang and he answered it immediately. They'd been more or less expecting the call and Leo quickly put Josh on speakerphone for the entire room to hear.
"Josh? You there?" Leo leaned forward and stared intently at the phone. "You're on speaker."
"Yeah, I'm here."
Knowing they had only a limited amount of time, President Bartlet jumped right in.
"Josh. Have you thought any more about my offer?"
"Good afternoon, sir. I haven't changed my stance on our prior discussion."
Donna bit her lip at the sound of his voice. She could always tell when he was putting on a front for Leo and the President. He was struggling to come to terms with everything that had happened, she knew that, but on the phone he sounded like his normal, confident self to the untrained ear. His stoicism broke her heart.
"Josh, hear me out," President Bartlet continued, a hint of despair peeking through in his voice.
"No." Josh stopped the conversation before it had a chance to truly begin. "No pardon, no way."
Donna was unable to stop a lone, muffled sob from escaping her lips at his words. She quickly covered her mouth with her hand and wrapped the other arm around her waist, trying to keep everything from spilling out in present company.
"Donna?" Josh's voice softened. It was immediately clear to everyone that he hadn't been fully aware that she was in the room. "Donna, is that you?"
Sam, who had been lingering in the corner of the office, was next to her in a heartbeat.
"She's here, Josh," Sam offered, placing a gentle arm around Donna.
"Donna, I need you to listen to me." Josh paused for a brief moment. He'd always tried to keep his complex personal life out of Leo's office but at this point, he was well beyond caring about the optics of his relationship with Donna. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have to hear this and I'm sorry that you have to be the one that picks up the pieces from all of this. But I can't take a Presidential pardon." He stopped, listening intently for any signs of a response from her.
When the room remained completely quiet, he continued in a gentle voice.
"I know this is hard to hear, but if I take a pardon, then all of this will be for nothing. The damage to my reputation is already done. If I take a pardon it will negate the deal that I made and launch a whole new round of inquiry. We'd be in more difficult position than when all of this started. Do you understand?"
"I do. And I trust you. But I'm not going to give up, either. Just please tell me you're still looking for another way out of there."
"Well, I'm not digging my way out with a spoon!" He forced a laugh that succeed it making her roll her eyes.
"Josh..." Donna hesitated not sure what to say in the crowded room. Josh broke in, his voice stronger this time.
"Leo knows what to do. He'll give it a couple weeks, then work the back channels. Show them you don't need me but that you're willing to consider some concessions so long as parole and early release remain on the table."
The five heard a muffled voice in the background before Josh sighed deeply. "Listen, I've got to go. Give Audrey a kiss for me. Take care of her. Love you Guys."
And then the line went dead.
OoOoOoO
Donna stood at the counter in Josh's kitchen, carefully wrapping dishes in newspaper before handing them to CJ to pack into a box. The day had been draining at best, but Donna was grateful when CJ had shown up on Josh's doorstep with a bag of carryout and a bottle of wine.
After the two had enjoyed dinner, CJ rolled up her sleeves and jumped right in to help Donna with the packing.
"I think I have a lead on a job," Donna offered, handing CJ a plate. "A couple of them, actually. The problem is, I'm not quite sure who to list as a reference. I mean, I don't really want to draw any more attention to the three of us than strictly necessary so listing my time at the White House doesn't exactly seem like the best move."
"If you need to borrow some money, I can-"
"No." Donna didn't even let CJ finish her thought. "It's not that. I mean, it is that, I suppose, to a degree. But we're not in a pinch. Josh left us some cash and the Colorado house is paid for but... "
"But what?" CJ stilled her motions and waited patiently for Donna continue.
"I just…" Donna rang her hands. "This sounds like it's going to be a more permanent situation than I originally thought. It's time for me to start acting like it and to get a long term plan into place. We can't live forever on Josh's savings and I think it's going to be hard for him to find work when he gets out. I mean, I know he can do anything but everyone in the party is acting like he's some kind of pariah and he shouldn't have to take a job that he's not happy in and Audrey needs health insurance and…"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down." CJ moved closer to Donna, placing her hands on Donna's shoulders.
Donna put her hand over her mouth, determined not to break down again that day.
"Donna, I know that you and Josh have something special. And I'd never discount that, or tried to imagine how hard it is to watch Audrey be separated from her father. But Josh is like a brother to me. And to Toby and Sam. He's a surrogate son to Leo and the President. You don't have to do this alone."
Donna nodded her head slowly, still unable to really speak.
"Donna, I give you my word. We won't let his sacrifice be for nothing."
Donna bit her lip and gave CJ a sad smile.
"Look," CJ sighed. "I'm not always in the room on this one, and for good reason. It's a delicate situation at best. But Leo always makes it a point to fill me in when he can, and he knows, and I hope you know, that I'll use any power that I have to help Josh. They're working on it around the clock and if there was any way to walk it back, they would. But Donna, aside from all of that, you need to remember that as much as we all love Josh, we all love you, too. And doing what we can for Josh in this situation means seeing to it that you and Audrey are cared for as well. You can call me, Donna. Just to talk. It doesn't have to be substantial or to fill me in on Josh, it can just be to blow off steam after a long day or tell me about Audrey. We're friends Donna. That hasn't changed."
Donna gave CJ a genuine smile; her first in quite some time. "I know. Thanks, Ceej."
"And as far as the job reference goes, just list me as Claudia. I doubt anyone will put it together. But hey, it's getting late. I'll be back in the morning with Charlie, Sam and Toby to help your Dad and Chris load the truck. You sure you're okay alone tonight."
"I'm fine. Really." Donna assured CJ the best that she could before seeing her friend out and locking up the apartment. It had been an exhausting day and the next was sure to be the same.
Donna wandered slowly to Josh's room, opening the door hesitantly. She'd been avoiding this specific portion of the condo all day. Practically speaking, she'd determined that she'd pack the contents in the morning before they loaded all of his furniture into the moving truck. Tonight, she needed sleep.
But the practicality of moving Josh's bedroom wasn't Donna had been working to avoid. It was the emptiness of the room. His room. A room where they'd shared a myriad of intimate, though unspoken moments throughout the years. Donna couldn't deny it any longer- she was nothing short of heart sick.
She changed quickly into pajamas, pilfering a shirt from his top drawer, and approached his side of the bed, biting her lip as she gently ran her fingers across the blankets, laying exactly as he'd left them before turning himself in to federal custody. Though she felt a brief moment of hesitancy about disturbing the bed as Josh had left it, the feeling was fleeting. She wanted more than anything to feel close to him, and so she allowed herself to crawl into his place, settling into the sheets and pulling the blankets close.
She rolled onto her side and pulled his pillow close, nestling into it simply to be closer to Josh. Donna closed her eyes and tried to relax, taking a deep breath and swearing she could still smell a hint of his cologne. It may not have seemed like much, but in that moment she'd take every little bit of him that she could cling to.