AN - I haven't seen anything further than Season One, so that's my excuse for everything. Basically I saw the episode and wondered what it might have been like if Kevin had said the right words. Then again, does Kevin ever say the right words? Also, trigger warning for vague mentions of suicidal stuff.
Kevin stood at the bottom of the stairs and hesitated, chewing on the words he wanted to say, uncertain. But Randall was walking upstairs and soon he would be gone and it would be too late, so Kevin swallowed his fear and blurted it out.
"Do you...would you...wanna stay down here in the basement? And, watch something? With me? For a while?" He stuttered his way through the request, kicking himself mentally for the awkwardness. But he didn't take it back.
Randall stood on the stairs, staring down at him. For one awful moment Kevin thought maybe he would refuse, maybe he would think about their entire history together and finally give up on him. Had he lost any chance to love his brother? But then Randall spoke and he didn't refuse.
"For a little while, yeah."
"Yeah?" Kevin grinned so big he was sure it looked stupid, but he couldn't help the relief. His words bubbled over too loudly and too fast like they always did, but Randall didn't yell at him or change his mind and go away, so Kevin guessed maybe it was okay.
As they settled onto the couch and turned on The Manny, Kevin wondered to himself - [how did we get here? I'm terrified that he doesn't like me, that he has never liked me, that I am the jerk who won't ever really have a brother and it's all my fault. And yet in the car he very nearly told me that he's spent his whole life trying to get my attention, trying to earn my affection.]
Before he could think about it too much, the words spilled over. "How did we get here?"
Randall looked up, face calm as always. "What do you mean?"
Kevin didn't look at him. "I mean, like, here." He waved a hand vaguely at the space between them. "How did we manage to get raised by such great parents and have such a great sister and still...I dunno, not ever...connect?" The words trailed off as he struggled to express himself.
Randall was silent, and Kevin finally risked a quick glance at the other side of the couch. Randall was just sitting there, impassive. Kevin choked on his own surge of fear, sure he had somehow managed to mess this up again. Didn't he always? If there was any reason that Randall didn't like him it was because he wasn't worth liking, and that was totally deserved.
Randall interrupted his thoughts with a quiet sentence, hands stiff and still in his lap. "Do you...want...to connect?"
Kevin blinked and stared at him. Had he ever heard Randall sound so uncertain? So...small? This wasn't Kate, insecure and needy, sitting on the floor of her bathroom asking for affirmation. This was Randall. Smart, confident, self-assured, overly intelligent, perfect Randall. He blinked again. Randall did not look at him, just stared down at his own hands.
"Uh. Yeah. Yeah, Randall, I want to." Kevin shook his head, halfway between disbelief and understanding. Randall still didn't look up, and Kevin realized this moment was heavy with risk. It could go either way - he could begin the process of connection or he could lose any chance of it. So he did the only thing he knew how to do; he talked.
"I always wanted to. I just...I'm pretty bad at it." He spread his arms wide helplessly. "I'm so busy being...scared. Stuck in my own head, sure that everything is about me. I'm a failure, man! I've always been a failure. And you were the perfect one, the favorite, the smart one who did everything right. I didn't hate you; I was just jealous. Why did you have to be so great? I mean, you were a genius who got put in a special school 'cause you were too smart for our normal school and then you got a job that's so nerdy nobody can even explain it and you married a beautiful woman who adores you and you have two great kids who love you 'cause you're a great father and what am I? I'm just...Kevin. The screw-up. Can't get a real job, can't keep a girl, can't even live by myself without falling apart, so desperate to not be alone, to not be stuck with my thoughts that, that...that never shut up…" He pressed his hand into his forehead and abruptly trailed off. It was silent.
"I...didn't mean to say all that." Kevin finally sighed, head still in his hands. "I just mean to say...yes. Yeah I want to connect." He sighed again.
There was a noise from the other side of the couch, and motion. [Ah, so he's gone now. I messed it up again and now he's leaving 'cause I'm clearly crazy,] he thought to himself, huffing a silent breath of laughter. But he was startled by a warm palm on his back, startled enough to look up. Randall was right next to him, eyes full of emotion. Kevin couldn't decipher it. They held the gaze for a second and then Kevin dropped his head again.
Randall smoothed his thumb across Kevin's shirt and spoke slowly. "You're my brother, Kevin." The words were firm and warm, and something inside Kevin broke. He didn't even know what, but his throat swelled with emotion and burned behind his eyes and he suddenly couldn't breathe properly anymore, he was choking on the air. Mortified, he stiffened his body and tried to swallow it down, tried to come up with some joke or sarcastic comment to get away from this frantic humiliation. But for once in his life the words deserted him, and his body was apparently determined to fall apart right now no matter what. He shuddered, trembling steadily under Randall's palm.
Randall lifted his hand and Kevin was instantly overwhelmed with fear, sure that he was about to be rejected. But instead Randall just moved his hand up to Kevin's neck, cupping it gently and tugging him closer. It was too much, and Kevin broke. He sank heavily into his brother's embrace and sobbed, emotions from ages ago spilling out. Randall just held him. Pulled him tight and murmured soft words that Kevin couldn't even understand but knew were comforting.
"I'm sorry," he choked out, because this was important. "I'm sorry, Randall. Sorry for all of it. I'm sorry…" Randall shushed him, tightened his grip.
"You're my brother, Kevin. You're always gonna be my brother. I got you."
Kevin cried harder, undone by this undeserved kindness. Eventually the tears ran out though, and they just sat. The Manny played obnoxiously in the background and finally Randall let him go, stood up and got tissues from across the room. Kevin sniffled and then blew his nose, scooting himself into the corner of the couch furthest from his brother. He kept his head down, not sure how to recover from such an embarrassing incident.
Randall sat back down on his own side of the couch and breathed in. "Kevin," he said. Kevin didn't look up.
"Kevin. I just...I just need to ask one thing. When you said...thoughts...that don't shut up...did you mean...like…" Randall stumbled over the words in his attempt to be gentle.
Kevin interrupted him. "Yeah."
It was silent for a beat. Then, "Yeah? And...have you...ever...tried?"
Kevin breathed in and out, unable to answer. Randall understood the silence and choked on his grief. "Kevin, I...I don't...you...just, like...like, you know…" There was too much to say and no words to say it with, and Randall's hands trembled in his lap.
Kevin shrugged, finally looked up to grin and say "It's fine. Not a big deal."
But Randall couldn't just shrug it off like that. He shook his head, swallowed hard. "No. No, it's not fine." He pressed his hands firmly into his thighs and swallowed again. "If you ever… Just, no. You can't. Okay? Never. I couldn't do it." He stared hard into his brother's eyes, pleading.
Kevin was caught off guard, and his grin faltered. He looked back down, quiet. "Okay," he practically whispered.
Randall wiped a hand over his face and breathed heavy. Even the air felt heavy, wet and solid in his lungs. He looked over at Kevin. "I'm uh, gonna head up to bed now," he said.
"Right. Yeah, no, of course." Kevin snapped into action, standing up and grabbing for the remote to turn the TV off. He ran his fingers through his hair, standing anxiously in front of Randall as he stood up. "I'll uh, see you tomorrow. And...yeah, breakfast is, I'll see you at, it'll be...it'll be good." He nodded to himself, shifting from foot to foot.
Randall stood solid in front of him, just watching, dark eyes serious and deep.
Kevin cleared his throat and rambled on, twisting his fingers in the bottom of his shirt as he tried to say goodnight along with a million other things he had never found words for before.
Randall didn't wait for him to stop talking, just reached out and pulled his brother into a quick hug. It was tight but brief, and before Kevin could even properly react, Randall was letting go.
"Goodnight, brother," he said as he turned towards the stairs and began to leave.
Kevin stood in stunned silence for a moment before replying. "Goodnight...brother," he said softly back.
Randall grinned at the stairs in front of him and flicked off the light, leaving Kevin standing in the darkness.