"What do you want for lunch today, shortcake?" Josh stood in the doorway to the pantry, looking around a bit, and eyeing a can of tomato soup. "How about grilled cheese?"
"I want to have lunch with Donna," Audrey whined a bit, her bottom lip popping out in a pout as she rest her head in her hands. "You promised."
"I know I told you last week that we'd have a special lunch with Donna," he turned to look at her, "and we will. She's just been busy."
"But you get to have dinner with her at night time after I go to sleep. And she wasn't even here when I woke up for school today. It's not fair."
"You two haven't been able to spend much time together lately, have you?" Josh closed the door to the pantry and rounded the island to sit next to Audrey.
"I miss Donna." Audrey climbed onto his lap.
"I know you do." He pulled her close.
"I wanted to say bye to her before I go with Bubbe." Audrey lamented.
Josh glanced at the clock on the oven and realized that Donna would be starting her lunch break in 40 minutes.
"Should we go surprise her at work?" Josh asked. "And see if Donna wants to eat lunch with us?"
Audrey's eyes sparkled at the suggestion. "A surprise?"
"Yes." Josh chuckled. "Grab your coat. I'll change shirts and we can go."
They loaded into the back of Josh's Audi, Audrey singing a happy little tune as they drove towards the resort. Josh fixed her hair again in the parking lot and held her hand as they walked the long sidewalk to the sprawling resort.
"Have you ever been here before?" Josh asked.
"No," Audrey reported. "Is this where Donna's goes for her job?"
"Yes. It's where she works."
"It has a lot of cars," Audrey noted innocently as they made their way in from the cold.
"Well, there are lots of people that work here. And lots of guests at the resort, and I'm sure quite a few skiers too."
"Do you know how to do that, Daddy?" she asked, pointing out the large picture window at the tourists riding the chair lift.
"Well," Josh crouched down to remove Audrey's mittens and stick them in her coat pocket, "I could probably manage to ride the lift, but I'm not sure how the skiing part would go."
"Oh. Can we try it sometime, Daddy?"
"Sure." Josh nodded. They did, afterall, move to a mountain town in Colorado. It seemed reasonable to teach her to ski.
He unbuttoned his own coat and loosened the scarf around his neck, pulling off his leather gloves as he approached the bellhop behind the counter, Audrey following closely.
"Excuse me," he began, catching the younger man's attention. "I'm here to see Donna Moss. Do you know her?"
"Yeah," the bellhop smirked. "Everybody knows Donna."
Josh's gaze narrowed. He didn't like this guy already.
"Can you call her for me?" He asked through a clenched jaw.
"She's over there, in the middle of her shift." The bellhop motioned towards the rear portion of the lobby. "Besides. The girls aren't supposed to have visitors while they're working."
"She'll be on lunch in 5 minutes." Josh informed, though he was still a bit confused by what was being implied and where he was supposed to find Donna.
"She's got a kid, you know." The bellhop scoffed as Josh walked away, earning another glare in the process as Josh took Audrey's hand, leading her into the lobby.
The two stepped through a large wooden archway and down the marble steps into an ornate great room with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the mountains. A fireplace crackled in the center as couples curled up with warm drinks to listen to soft music and watch the falling snow accumulate on the cedar trees.
"Excuse me," he stopped an older woman with a name tag as she passed. "I'm looking for Donna Moss."
"She's in SnowBunnies," the woman pointed towards a door way at the side of the lobby, clearly leading to a sports bar type of area.
"For lunch?" Josh asked, checking his watch.
"No." The woman raised her eyebrows at him, before glancing at Audrey.
"Thanks." Josh tried to mask his confusion.
They walked slowly towards the entrance, the rock music and sports commentary growing louder as they approached, opening the door to a room full of wings, beer, flatscreen TV's and chaos.
Audrey wrinkled her nose and covered her ears at the commotion as Josh surveyed the scene, somewhat shocked. It was only another moment before a waitress wearing a mostly unzipped winter parka, booty shorts and knee high furry boots zoomed by.
"Donna?" His voice was barely audible.
She stopped in her tracks, staring at him, as her face fell. "Josh. What are you doing here?"
It took a moment for him to get his bearings before springing into action.
"I should ask you the same thing!" He reached out and zipped up her coat, which was unzipped halfway to her navel, showing a standardized amount of cleavage along with the rest of the employees.
"I'm working," she bit off, pulling away from him.
"Clearly." He set his jaw, his anger apparent. "I thought you were a payroll auditor." Josh questioned.
"I am," Donna explained. "A couple days a week. They won't give me full time or benefits with just the office stuff so I pick up the rest of her hours as a waitress."
"Waitressing? Is that what you call it?" Josh bit off without thinning.
"Please don't make a scene," she practically begged him.
Reality washed over him and he saw the look in her eyes. She wasn't sure how he was going to react.
"I'm not going to make a scene," he told her softly. "I would never do that."
She raised her eyebrows a bit.
"I'd never do that to you. On purpose." He amended.
Audrey pulled gently on Donna's sleeve and reached for her. "We're going to eat lunch together," she announced.
"Oh, sweetie. I don't know if we can today." Donnas heart broke at the disappointment on Audrey's face as her bottom lip began to quiver.
"You don't get your lunch break today?" Now it was Josh's turn to look upset for a different reason.
"I traded with one of the other girls. I was going to try and make it home to say goodbye to Audrey before she left for Denver with your mom."
"They're leaving early. That's why we came to surprise you for lunch." He stated matter of factly. "We thought it would be nice."
"Surprise!" Audrey cheered, throwing her hands in the air and bouncing a bit.
Donna looked down at her with adoration, and lovingly smoothed Audrey's hair.
"I'm sorry, Sweet Pea."
Donna looked around the room and discreetly waved to another waitress. "Can you cover my tables? I'm going to step out for a minute."
"Yeah but hurry," the girl told her, immediately returning to a booth in the corner with several mugs of draft beer.
Donna nodded towards the doorway where they'd just entered and lead both Audrey and Josh toward the lobby, stepping into the privacy of a hallway towards an exit.
"Donna?" Audrey asked in her tiny voice, as she looked around her surroundings once again.
"Yes?" Donna bent down to meet Audrey at eye level, pushing the fur trimmed hood of her coat off of her head.
"Are you cold when you're at your job here?" The concern in her question was evident as Audrey stared at Donna's uniform shorts in the dead of winter.
"No, Sweet Pea," Donna assured. "But that's very nice of you to ask."
Audrey said nothing but looked around a little more.
"I know you're going to have fun in Denver with Bubbe tonight," Donna attempted to change the subject. "She's got a lot of fun things for you guys to do. Are you going to be on your best behavior?"
Audrey gave an animated nod 'yes' as Donna spoke.
"Mulan is going to be there," Audrey informed her of the Disney on Ice characters she was most interested in seeing. "And Pocahontas."
"That's pretty cool, huh?" Donna smiled. "And they're all going to be wearing ice skates."
"And we're staying all night at a hotel." Audrey recapped.
"That's right. And I heard the hotel has a pool."
Audrey smiled and nodded. "But don't worry because then I'm going to come home the very next day."
"Okay." Donna told her with a serious face. "I'm glad you won't be gone too long."
"And then you can read me a story and we can eat pancakes?"
"Of course." Donna smiled softly.
Audrey suddenly launched herself into Donnas arms, holding onto her. Donna stood, rubbing Audrey's back and looking to Josh for him to clue her in to what was happening.
Though Josh was clearly working through several things in his own head, he didn't like to see either of them upset.
"She misses you." Josh stated, though it came across icier then he'd intended.
Audrey rest her head on Donna's shoulder. "Why do you have to be gone so much?"
"Because I have to work, Audrey. We've discussed this. I'm sorry that I haven't been home much this week, but I promise that will change." Donna squeezed her close, wishing she had a better way to explain things to Audrey, but finding herself becoming emotional. She missed their evenings together. And she wanted to spend more time with Josh.
They stood together for another moment, before Donna kissed her goodbye and put her down. "Don't forget to take Walter," Donna reminded Audrey before glancing over to Josh, who was clearly still trying to make heads or tails of what had happened that afternoon.
She looked away from him, terrified she'd see disappointment in his eyes, and began to return to work.
"Donna?" He didn't hide the surprise in his voice.
She turned to look at him, and he motioned her back over, instructing Audrey to sit on the bench next to them as he stood a few feet away to speak to Donna.
"Just… be careful, okay? And call me if you need anything."
She nodded her head once.
"I'll see you at home?"
"See you at home." She confirmed before turning and walking back into the restaurant.
Josh helped Audrey zip her coat again and put her mittens back on, but his focus was on Donna. He could barely hold himself back from marching in there, grabbing her and taking her home. He was filled with jealousy watching the way she was being leered at by the patrons. But he managed to restrain himself. Donna was a grown woman. She made her own choices. Going all cave-man on her would make him no better than the men drinking at the bar and looking at her like she was a piece of meat. But that didn't mean he had to like it.
They made their way to the car, stopping to pick up a sandwich for Audrey on the way home. Josh packed Audrey's bag and loaded Edith's car. The two left for their evening in Denver, calling Josh to let him know they'd made it safely and beat the storm.
Josh watched the snow begin to accumulate outside the cabin, and he was relieved to see headlights at the top of the driveway before the worst of the blizzard began. She was home early. And though Josh still had a lot on his mind, she was home and safe and that was really all that mattered to him.
He heard the garage door open, but he didn't stop what he was doing in the kitchen, unsure of what to say.
"Hi." She sat her bag down, suddenly feeling uncomfortable in their home.
"Hi." He glanced over to her.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She cut directly to the point.
Josh shrugged his shoulders, avoiding the question.
"You seemed like you had something to say earlier."
"What is there to say? If you don't want to tell me what's going on in your life, you don't have to."
"Josh!" She was dumbfounded. "How can you even say that?"
"Well it's pretty obvious!" He couldn't contain his outburst anymore. "You let me think you're working a desk job when you're over there half naked serving cocktails!"
His accusation pierced her and she dropped her head in shame. But then she took a deep breath and looked up, directly into his eyes.
"It pays the bills, Josh." She stated calmly. "And at the time, I didn't have any other choice."
"You didn't- You didn't have any other choice? Jesus, Donna! How many times do we have to go over this?" Josh responded in a scathing voice, temper flaring.
His tone pushed Donna over the edge. "I didn't!" She shouted back. "You left! I had a couple thousand dollars in cash, a little girl who was scared to death, and no resume to speak of. I had to leave town in the middle of the night! What did you think was going to happen?!"
"I thought I'd be back in 30 days!" He bit back, voice hard.
"But you weren't." Her voice was icy cold.
"No. I wasn't." His voice softened, and he looked away from her. The reality of what this was really all about was starting to catch up to him. He supposed they'd avoided this as long as they could.
"And you shut me out in the process." She continued, her voice staying even, though she certainly wasn't warming up to him. "So I'm not sure why you're offended by how I make a living now. It was the only thing I could come up with to make ends meet. It's not something I really wanted to do, but it's what had to happen."
He didn't like hearing that. Not one bit. He'd never put her in a position where she had to demean herself. And, she was underestimating herself and her abilities. He wasn't going to just let her statement go.
"You worked in The White House for 3 years, Donna. And on a presidential campaign for a year prior to that. You have the Chief of Staff on speed dial. You're telling me that you had to take this job because it was the only one that would hire you?"
"Yes!" She threw her hands in the air. "What do you want me to do? Walk in somewhere and point to a tv and say 'hey, that's Josh Lyman. I used to work for him. Give me a job.' Oh by the way, his daughter is in the car and I'm trying to shelter her from this so please don't call the press and alert the crazy people on the internet to her location!"
"Our. Our daughter." He whispered the correction.
In her fervor she didn't hear him. "What?" She asked abruptly.
"Nothing." He shook his head quickly, his initial anger starting to fade as he heard what she was saying.
"Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the waitressing." She offered sincerely. "But it wasn't exactly something I'm proud of, and in the scheme of things I really didn't think it mattered."
Hearing her say she didn't like the job, just exasperated Josh. "It's not my place to tell you what you can and can't do with your body. If you liked your job, I'd support you. But you don't. You don't even WANT to be there and I think we both know it."
"The last year has not been about 'want' for this household, Josh. Do you understand that?"
"Yes! Of course I understand that!"
"Then why don't you act like it?"
"What do you want me to do? Huh? I can't go back in time and make a different decision. I can't take it back!"
"You left us!" She continued, her volume escalating once again. "Every morning I had to wake up and figure this out on my own. I had to figure out how to pay the bills and try to raise Audrey right. I worried incessantly about you. Do you understand that? About how you felt. If you were eating right, if you were taking your meds. If you were scared or overwhelmed or lonely." She took a shuttered breath, feeling the tears pool in her eyes.
"Donna, I…" he reached for her but she stepped away. She needed to say this, they needed to get this out in order to move forward, and if he wrapped her in his arms the words would die on her tongue.
"I was angry, Josh. Angry that you'd take the fall for something you didn't do at the expense of your family. At the expense of your health and your career. And then I felt guilty about the anger. I actually felt guilty that I was mad at you for abandoning us!"
"I didn't abandon you!" His voice boomed through the cabin.
"Well you were gone for nearly a year, Josh, so excuse me for thinking it felt like it."
"There was nothing I could do about it! What did you want me to do, shovel out with a spoon and stay in the run for the rest of my life?" His voice has reached and surpassed levels usually only reserved for political opponents.
"You could have taken the FUCKING pardon!" She looked horrified as the words left her mouth, and they lingered in the cabin as they stared at each other, both angrier than they'd been in a long time.
He said nothing, the silence settling around them as Donna turned on her heel and stormed off, unable to contain her sobs as she slammed the bedroom door behind her.
"Shit." Josh cursed himself for making a mess of this, scrubbing his hands roughly through his hair.
Her words cut through him like a knife. He felt a physical blow and heard a ringing in his ears. He paused for only a moment in order to regain his bearings before following her. The wind outside of the cabin howled as the bitter cold winds whipped through the forests, but Josh didn't notice.
He knocked softly and cracked the door when he was met with only the sounds of her sobs. He peeked inside to see her curled up in a ball on their bed, facing away from him. He slipped inside and gently sat down on the end of the bed, unsure how to begin.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to stay," he admitted, reaching towards her but stopping short, placing his hand on top of the comforter.
She continued to cry.
"Donna?"
"Sometimes you don't have to say anything, Josh. Your actions have spoken pretty damn loud." She stated through her tears, not looking at him and pulling her legs closer to her body. "It's not a difficult concept."
He was shocked into silence, now trying to remain composed.
The wind picked up and the snow swirled outside. The lights flickered quickly before the cabin was cloaked in darkness, the light rumble of the furnace kicking off.
She stood from the bed and wordlessly moved to the door, navigating only by the moonlight barely shining in through the windows.
"Where are you going?" He asked as she grabbed her coat.
"Out." Her eyes remained red and puffy, her cheeks tear stained from the crying she'd barely finished.
"Donna, no. Please. You can't go out in this. I'll- I'll go, if it has to be that way. But please…" He felt the bile rise in his throat, and a level of panic spread through him that he hadn't experienced in months.
"Oh, shut up! Honest to God, do you ever get tired of the sound of your own voice? I'm not leaving, I'm going to get firewood so we don't freeze without the furnace tonight."
Josh jumped up from where he sat, fumbling around for his coat and the snowboots she'd purchased him. He dressed quickly and tried to follow her out the door. She already had a flashlight out and was lighting a few candles when he tripped over the ottoman in the living room. She was out the door and halfway to the shed when he stepped outside.
He recoiled a bit against the bitter wind but pressed forward, catching up to her in the covered barn. He stood next to her, loading firewood onto a little wagon. He opened his mouth to speak a few times, but closed it again when he realized he still hadn't figured out what to say. There were a million thoughts swirling around inside of his head, and he didn't know where to begin.
When the wagon was full she picked up the handle and began to pull with all of her might. The cart was loaded down and barely making any headway, but she didn't want to ask him for help.
"Here," he offered, reaching to take over.
"I've got it," she bit off, determined to show him how she'd managed without him last winter.
"Just let me help you." He implored, his heart fracturing at her resistance. "I'm here now, aren't I?'
"Fine." She handed the handle over to him somewhat hastily, crossing her arms as he pulled the firewood towards the cabin. It irritated her that he could do it so easily, but she knew she was just being stubborn. She followed him to the porch and reached for a log.
"I'll unload these next to the door and cover them with a tarp. Why don't you go inside and find another flashlight and some kindling."
"I'm fine." She insisted, reading for another piece of split log.
"Damnit, Donna! You don't even have gloves on and it's 5 below out here! Go inside!"
Wordlessly, she stormed back into the cabin. When he followed a few moments later she'd started the gas on the stove to warm a kettle of hot water and there was a flashlight waiting for him on the bench by the garage where he removed his coat and boots.
He could hear her in the bedroom again, moving around, and a soft glow radiated into the hallway from what he assumed were candles she was using for light.
He made his way back there, with his arms full of firewood, and knelt before the hearth. He'd just added the last log when she sat a tray with a french press on top of the dresser and placed a warm mug of coffee next to him, prepared just the way he liked it.
"Thank you." he stared softly as he glanced up to her.
She nodded her head in acknowledgement.
"I'll grab a few more logs and the fire will burn through the night. You'll stay warm."
She gave him an odd look. "And where will you be?"
"On the couch." He stated.
"What? I don't want you to sleep on the couch," she stepped forward and placed her hand gently on his arm as he rifled through his top drawer. "I want you in here. With me."
"I'll grab one of those blankets from the hall closet. I'll be fine." He grabbed a heavy sweatshirt.
"Josh? I'm not talking about the temperature. I don't want you to sleep on the couch." She felt the tears well up in her eyes again, but this time for a different reason. Her anger had evaporated and now she was worried that she'd pushed him away.
"You don't?"
"No. Of course not."
"But we had a fight." He was completely perplexed. "You don't want me to leave?"
"No." She was borderline exasperated. "Just because we have a fight doesn't mean everything is falling apart."
"Oh." He stood there, dumbfounded, and watched her pull a blanket from the foot of the bed and wrap herself up near the fire. Somewhat hesitantly, he picked up a few pillows and moved to sit next to her.
"I know why you couldn't take the pardon," she whispered after a moment.
He turned to look at her, blinking a few times. "I wanted to," he admitted. "I missed you and Audrey so much. It terrified me."
She stared into her tea. "We missed you too. Every single day."
"I was in a bad place," he admitted. "I was so angry. And I felt like I'd created this issue and brought it on myself, so I couldn't take a pardon. But God, I hated being away from the two of you. I never meant to leave you to fend for yourself and take care of Audrey. And I certainly didn't mean for you not to spend the money. If I'd have any idea I would have said something. That was never my intention. But I always knew that this wasn't going to be easy for you, no matter the financial circumstances. So when I see you unhappy with such a major aspect of your life here, I feel like a complete failure."
He could see the tears falling once again, but he knew she was listening. That was a start.
"I tried to be brave," she admits in a small voice. "But I was holding onto a lot of animosity for a long time. I tried not to feel abandoned, but there were days that I did. And I know last year was a lot worse for you than it was for me, so I feel like I shouldn't be complaining. But honestly, I don't think that's what caught me off guard. What caught me off guard was the actual surprise of not knowing you were doing any of this. I thought we had our own rhythm going. I thought we told each other everything. I thought we had something special growing between us. And then you were gone, and I'd never told you how I felt."
He pulled her a little closer and she finally began to relax.
"Now we know, though, right? Don't we?" He asked.
"Yes." she responded, leaning in to him.
"I've loved you for years, Donna." He told her softly. "It took me a while to fully understand the depth of my feelings for you, but there's no mistaking it. It would cross my mind at the strangest times that perhaps you were my soulmate, and then at some point I stopped wondering and I knew. I thought it was cruel of the universe, though, to link you with me. So, I decided to love you from afar. If all I ever had of you was a few years of friendship, I'd still consider myself the luckiest man in the world. I'd always hoped, of course, that I could at least tell you how I felt.
But then life intervened and would threaten to take you away from me. Other men, maybe even good men, I don't know, would come by and as much as it pained me to see them with you, with the woman I knew even then that I was fated for, I also knew that at some point I'd have to let you go. I've cheated death more than once in my life and I thought that maybe this is how I had to pay the penance. Maybe that was my punishment- to watch you love someone else the way I love you. I'd have to let you be happy and- God, Donna, I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I want you to have everything good in this world. And I have, on several occasions, made my peace with the fact that that didn't include me.
I've always kept a flame burning though, and even during the darkest times in the last years its been able to guide me through. And that's not going to change. Ever. I'll always be here, Donna. I know I come with baggage- and more than a little bit. I know I'm asking a lot of you. And if you decide that you can't do this, that you have to go, I'll understand that too. And I'm not going to stop you. I'm not going to fight with you or have a big ugly scene because I don't want to hurt you. And I certainly don't want you to remember our time together on this Earth ending that way. And I've been relieved, in a sense, that we are finally in a place where I could tell you this. I could be honest with you, and myself, about all that you mean to me."
Josh cleared his throat. It had taken a lot for him to bare his soul like that to her and he was having a hard time controlling his emotions, but he was thankful that he'd gotten it out. He didn't have anything to hide with her.
She cupped his cheek and turned him to face her, resting her forehead against his.
"Josh, listen to me, please. I'm not leaving. Not now, not ever. I want you to remember that. Some days will be harder than others and yes, we're going to fight. But just because we disagree on things here and there doesn't mean that we're falling apart. It just means that we'll work through things together and come out stronger on the other side, right? We get through things together now. But I suppose, in a sense, we always have. My love for you and my commitment to this family didn't start a few months ago when our physical relationship began. Do you understand that? The day I came back to the Manchester campaign office I was coming back to you. And at the time I never imagined our lives actually evolving together to become what they are now, but I'm so glad they did. Being with you and Audrey, in whatever capacity I could have you, has been the only thing I've ever been certain of in my life."
"Oh Donna, you ARE our life." Then his brow furrowed a bit, "But you said something earlier. . . about Audrey . . ." He hesitated for a moment, not sure whether it was a good idea to go back to the fighting.
Donna's brow furrowed in duplication, she didn't remember saying anything about Audrey that would upset him. "What Josh? It's okay. If I said something that bothered you, we should talk about it."
"You said- "His daughter is out in the car."
At the way Josh stressed the word his, Donna immediately understood the point he was raising.
"Oh, Josh! You have to know I don't think about her like that." Donna felt a pang in her chest at the very implication.
"She IS yours, Donna. You are her mother. No matter what happens between us, I would never do anything to hurt the relationship you have with Audrey. I hope you know that."
"I know that Josh. But you're wrong, she's not my daughter. She's our daughter."
Donna reached out and grabbed his hand.
"Josh?" She watched him, completely unguarded, the expressions rolled across his face, a combination of serious contemplation and raw nerves, then settled into something peaceful.
"Donnatella, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You're the one I want to be with. You always have been. I never want you to doubt that." He spoke softly, staring intently at her. "Let's get married."
"Oh, Josh," she was completely blindsided.
"I- I don't have a ring and I should have gotten down on one knee or something but…" he shifted slightly and held her gently. "Will you, Donna? Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will," she gushed, her emotions taking over again as happy tears ran down her cheeks. She took his face gently in her hands and kissed him thoroughly.