A/N: Hope everyone is continuing to stay well and safe during these uncertain times. Thanks to everyone for their support as I update my works here.
Chapter Eight: A New Normal
"No. No. Please." She looked at the green liquid, shaking. She knew she had done the potion correctly, so it was not a mistake as much as she wanted it to be.
Lily slid to the floor and covered her face with her hands. She just wanted to pretend she didn't know now. She did not want to deal with this. Things were tense enough between her house and this was just going to make life harder. She had plans and this was not part of the plan. Finishing school, getting married and then having a baby was the plan, not getting pregnant, finishing school and maybe getting married. "It was just one night." Her eyes began to pool with tears, and she squeezed her robes at her chest where her breasts were still sore and took a deep breath. She closed her eyes, willing this to all just go away even though she knew that was impossible. She did not have any idea what would happen now. How easy would it be to keep it a secret? How soon before she would start to show? How could she afford a baby? How could she care for it? What about Severus? How would he handle this? How would they handle this?
She heard a knock at the door.
"Lily? Are you in there?"
She jumped to her feet and cleared her throat. "Um, yeah-Just a minute." She yelled back and put a cork in the potion and shoved it in her pocket quickly. She wiped her eyes and tried to make it look like she wasn't upset. There was no way she could tell anyone what was bothering her, and she had to talk to Severus as soon as she could. He had to know that she was expecting as this affected him.
Lily did not want anyone to know for fear of the backlash and getting Severus in serious trouble. As much as she didn't want to admit it, it was clear that between Severus and Peter, Peter was going to be believed more. She was afraid that even her account of what happened wouldn't get Peter in trouble A surge of anger washed over her. This was his fault. Peter was the reason she was pregnant. Yet, there was nothing she could do about it because Peter was not the one who got her pregnant physically so she couldn't even accuse him that way. Even with the bottles and with their word, she could not prove who did it, just that someone had.
She heard a knock again.
"Are you okay?"
Lily took another deep breath and left the bathroom, ignoring her roommate and hurrying out of the dorm and ran straight into one of the last person she wanted to see right now-James Potter. Being a head with James had been a nightmare since their break-up. They were barely communicating, and Lily stayed away from him lest he start berating her again, threatening to tell everyone who she cheated with. She never did admit to him that it was Severus when James accused her of cavorting inappropriately with him. Lily just got annoyed because he refused to even listen to her about Peter but expected her to listen to him accuse her of hating him and trying to hurt him.
"You are just trying to get back at me because I made Severus humiliate himself once?"
"Once?" Lily had snapped. "Just once? You humiliated him more than once!"
"So, you are cheating with Severus! He fancies you and you knew it and went with him. You had me and you chose him?"
"Why is it any of your damn business who likes whom? I never said I did anything with him and I never did anything on purpose regardless!"
"I still can't believe you broke it off with me to shag the Death Eater who has always had a creepy crush with the muggleborn! Bet Sirius was right-bet he was fancying to rape you with the potion since you wouldn't bother shagging him otherwise!"
That had ticked her off so much that she had to use all her strength to not slap him across the face and hex him on the spot for speaking that way. "You know what? I'm glad I broke it off with you. I thought you had changed, but you really haven't at all. You are still just the same arrogant toerag you were a couple years ago." She had stormed away because if she hadn't left right then, things would have gone bad.
"Lily? You look upset? Something wrong?"
"What's wrong with me isn't your concern."
"I thought you might be feeling some regret for cheating on me."
She folded her arms across her chest and looked him cold in the eyes. "No, but your pal should. I don't want to argue today, so just leave me alone."
James frowned. "Look. I am willing to overlook the fact that you apparently got yourself inebriated and cheated on me-"
"Inebriated?" Lily furled her eyebrow.
"Well, you were obviously drunk."
"I was not drunk." She huffed. "Except with potion, but I wasn't drunk." She turned to head towards the portrait, and he grabbed her arm.
"Ah, come on. You had to be wasted. Why else would you sleep with Snivellus?"
Lily pulled away from his grip and drew her fingers into her palms. "I never said I slept with Severus, so stop accusing people and don't touch me!"
"Well, it's rather obvious. Peter told me how cosy you two have been since that night."
"Funny how involved he is and how much he knows what happened, isn't it?" She snapped.
"You were my girlfriend. I am his best friend, so he was looking out for me and when he caught you two talking-"
"Is that right? Looking out for you?" Lily scoffed. "He was trying to save his own skin. He admitted what he did, so I am not having this bullshit about him caring about anyone. I'm not in the mood to fight about this. I have more important things to worry about." Lily started to walk past him.
"Lily, come on. Look, let's just forget this."
"I can't forget it, but I am done talking about it with you or Peter or Sirius because it's pointless. If I even see Peter today, I might punch him in that sorry little rat face of his."
"I forgive you."
Lily scoffed in disgust and shock. "You forgive me? You forgive me!"
"Well, you cheated on me. I didn't cheat on you!"
Lily narrowed her eyes at him, but before she could speak, he cut across her.
"I am willing to let you be my girlfriend again, okay?"
"You'll let me?" Her eyes were almost slits with anger.
"You know-I mean-I am forgiving, and I am willing to let it go."
"How nice. Aren't you just the little saint?" She huffed and unfolded her arms. "I have more important things to do right now." She turned and headed out of the portrait with a couple fourth year boys headed for breakfast.
Lily did not go to breakfast and instead went to the stairs that lead to the astrology room. She knew no one would be up there this time of the day as the professor only had afternoon classes. She collapsed on the winding stairs, choking back tears. This was going to ruin both of their lives. The backlash worried her as well and did make her consider leaving, but she didn't want to leave. She wanted to finish her education. She only had a few months left.
She wondered what Peter and Sirius would do if they found out she was pregnant? What would James do? What would the others in the dorm and in the school think if they found out? She was trapped with no real way out of this. Sure, she could try to find a way to get rid of the foetus, but the thoughts of what that would do to her and how well those sorts of potions and spells worked since they were of a dark nature, she didn't know and was afraid to find out. A part of her did not want to get rid of the foetus either and that confused her. She didn't want to have a child yet, but she did want a child one day so the thought of getting rid of the potential baby was just not something she could do. Lily figured that part of her was the bit where she was already accepting that this could happen despite the fears that plagued her because of this.
Lily put her hands over her face. "I just want to go back in time and fix all this, but to get a hold of a time turner and to change everything would get messy and I could cause more problems. I don't want to go back with James. Well, I could try and just fix the bottles from being drunk or from Peter trying to lace our drinks, but no-that won't work because I wouldn't be able to see what Peter could do and I would still be dating James and I wouldn't see that while he has grown a lot, he is still just an irritating git. And Severus and I would not be friends."
A large part of her, that despite how much she wanted to deny it, was happy to be friends with Severus again and even if they were not publicly speaking, she had missed her old friend. She hadn't realized just how much she had missed his friendship until they started studying and hanging out again some. She was tempted to tell Peter thanks when he tried to accuse her of cheating on James all on her own. Because of him, she and Severus had made up and were friends again. She was not sure if they hadn't been in such a close and intimate setting and situation that they would be speaking right now. She was certain they probably wouldn't be.
0o0o0o
Severus tried to eat breakfast that morning but noticed Lily hadn't shown up to eat and that concerned him. He had a rough night and was sure she did too. The fact that she was not here eating made him fear the worst-that she was pregnant. He abandoned his food and left the hall, deciding he ought to go look for her and see if she was okay. As he walked down the hall, he realized that he would not be able to get to see her unless he got someone to bring her down. As he started for the Gryffindor tower, he remembered where she usually went when she wanted to be alone and decided to see if she was there first before he went to the tower to wait.
As he went to the stairs up to the astrology room, he heard Lily's voice mumbling. He figured she was talking to herself and when he rounded the stairs, a step squeaked.
Lily gasped and pulled out her wand. "Who's there?"
Severus could hear nervousness in her voice he hadn't heard before. "Lily?"
Lily heard a familiar voice and looked up from her hands and saw Severus coming around the steps. She put her hand to her chest. "It's just you."
Her words were spoken with relief and not disgust. "I didn't forget your favourite alone spot."
She tried to give him a little smile but couldn't manage it.
"Everything okay?"
Lily shook her head. "No." She put her hands down and sniffed. "You may want to sit down."
Severus had a bad feeling about what she was going to tell him. "Okay." He sat beside her.
Lily reached into her robes and pulled out a bottle of green liquid. "This is our new hell."
"What is it?"
"The potion I brewed yesterday, remember?"
Severus remembered and his stomach churned the little bit of bacon he ate.
"If it turns orange-you are fine. If it turns green-"
Severus swallowed hard and his insides began to quake as he registered what she was confirming to him while looking at the green liquid, "You're pregnant." He whispered.
Severus noticed that she was suddenly calm for a second while she put the potion in her potion in her robes again. Then she burst into tears and he moved closer, hoping to calm her down. He put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it. "It'll be okay. We'll figure it out."
He wasn't so sure himself, but what else could he say to make her feel better? He knew there was a chance and he was up half of the night wondering if she was and how they would handle this. Still, he had pushed it out his thoughts reminding himself that there was not 100% proof just yet. Now, he had the proof and it was just starting to hit him a little that this was not a maybe anymore; Lily was pregnant and they were going to have a child together and somehow they were going to have to deal with this.
Lily nodded and had to fight a sob. She put the potion back in her robes and he put his arm over her shoulders. She was startled as to why he was rubbing her arm and telling her it would be okay until she realized she was all but crying. Her vision blurred with tears and sobs racking from her chest. "Our lives are over."
Severus didn't really know what to say because everything seemed so crazy right now and he didn't have any idea how this would affect them. "Not completely. They'll just change."
"Until people find out."
"They won't for a while. It'll be fine."
Lily shut her eyes for a moment and let out a deep breath. "We have about six months. We can do this. We can hide this-pretend I'm fine and that nothing has changed."
"We don't have much choice, do we?"
Lily sighed. "Not really. I'm due in mid-September. We'll be done and home by the first of July." She took his hand. His mouth twitched into a grin for a moment before going back to its normal position. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze of reassurance. They sat like that for several minutes, neither saying a word. He didn't make her move or mention that they might be late for class even though they were never late and prided themselves on that fact. She knew that he knew they were going to be late, but he still didn't say anything and didn't leave. He seemed to get that she was not ready to leave her comfort spot yet and she appreciated it.
16 January 1978
Severus sat alone in the common room. It was empty since everyone else had gone down to bed for the night. As he looked at the clock, he sighed. It was a quarter to four in the morning. He couldn't sleep though. He pressed his hand to his forehead and rubbed his temple. His mind was heavy, and his stomach ached with his churning nerves and empty belly. He had not eaten much that day. He hadn't eaten very well for the past couple of days. Ever since Lily had come to him with concerns of being pregnant and now that she was indeed that, he was torn and confused and did not know what he wanted.
"Lily's pregnant. Lily is pregnant and you are having a child with her-whether you like it or not." He said out loud, but to himself.
He watched the second hand of the old clock tick and ran his fingers over the open page of his Potions text. She was having a baby and that baby was fathered by him. He was having a very difficult time accepting that reality because the very thought of him as a father was a laugh. He was not the fatherly type at all.
"Dammit, Pettigrew. Damn you!" He wanted to rip one of the pillows open on the couch and pulling out all the stuffing because he was so ticked off right now.
Of course, even though he was upset about the notion of having a child, he was not upset about his night with her. If only the result hadn't been a child maybe it would have been better. He had loved every second of being that way with her and they had both enjoyed it quite intensely. If only he could have another night like that with her. He remembered the way she stroked him and the looks on her face when he had managed to pleasure her and how happy she was when he showed his own pleasure to her. Severus recalled how it felt to touch her and hold her and love her.
"Stop thinking about that." He had to stop thinking about it because it made him horny and right now was not the time to get hard over memories of them sleeping together.
He did not know how they would handle this or what they were going to do about it. Right now, neither a good solution worked out for what came next. He didn't want to force Lily to marry him even if that would be expected. With James, Lily could have everything. With him, she would not have anything, unless he could somehow convince her that the Death Eaters weren't so bad, and they could have a nice life that way. It was his only chance at being able to provide something.
Giving up on his ideas of being a Death Eater meant he would have a better relationship with Lily. He knew deep down he could never convince her to be a part of them. This baby was going to destroy everything they ever wanted. It wrecked Lily's chance at having a wealthy, athletic, handsome boyfriend. It wrecked her friendship with the Marauders and would wreck her friendship with her housemates too when they found out. He did not have any misgivings on that fact. He was the one they told her to stay away from and now she was pregnant with his baby. Severus could only begin to imagine their reaction.
This situation had wrecked his chances of becoming a Death Eater like he wanted. Becoming a Death Eater meant losing her and leaving her alone with their baby and he would be abandoning his responsibility and it was his responsibility. Even though he was not ready for child in any way, shape or form, it was still his responsibility and he would not forsake his duties in that matter.
It was ultimately a matter of what he wanted more: The Death Eaters or Lily. He couldn't have his cake and eat it too.
Severus slinked down to his dorm and crawled into his bed without waking his roommates. He awoke the next morning late and missed breakfast, barely making it to his first class in time. Lily was in his first class. She looked at him when he entered and gave a little smile. He could tell it was forced just like his back to her.
Severus wasn't looking and tripped on something. He caught himself before he hit the ground. Before he got back to his feet and turned around, he heard some laughing.
"Watch where you're going, Snivellus." James Potter said.
Severus gave James a murderous glare.
"What-no threats this time? Losing your touch!" James looked daggers at him.
"I have nothing to say to you." Severus turned away from Potter and Black.
"I have plenty to say to you!"
Severus turned back around to see James fuming. "Do you?"
"I know you did it. I'll make you pay."
"Did what?"
"Don't play dumb." James snapped quietly. "You slept with Lily. You got her drunk and shagged her!"
Severus grinned slightly. "Did I now? Drunk, you say?" He held his smirk firm as revealing in Potter's anguish made his current troubles disappear for a moment.
"I know it was you."
"How so?"
His eyes glared daggers at him, daring him to slip up and admit it, but Severus refused to cave. "Pettigrew told me all about your conversations with him and his conversations with Lily."
"Tell Pettigrew thanks for the failed attempts at curses, but he can hex me all he wants, and I will not confess to anything."
"She's my girlfriend." James spoke with bitterness on his tongue.
"Was your girlfriend. If she wants to let you know anything about herself or her personal life, she can tell you, but I will not do so. What she tells me is between the two of us. Get that through your alls thick, useless skulls." While he was tempted to hex Potter, he wouldn't do so lest he end up with detention.
The door opened and Severus glared once more at Potter before moving to his seat. He put his hand to his forehead as the Professor started class. His eyes were tired, and he was barely able to stay awake through that class or the next. He nibbled on the food at lunch, his stomach still in knots.
"Snape!" He heard someone yell into his ear and he lifted his head up and grumbled.
"What?"
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Nothing." He mumbled. "Tired."
"Yeah, because you're not going to bed until four. I'd be dog tired!" Rosier said.
Severus grumbled slightly and mumbled to himself, wishing they would all leave him alone. Mulciber poked him with his wand and Severus sucked in air. He was fucking tired and not feeling well due to lack of food and sleep and his life was royally screwed up forever and the idiot was attempting to poke him.
"Touch me with that again and I will take it, turn a few curses on you, snap your damn wand in pieces and toss it into the lake you fuckin' imbecile!" His acidulous tone caused his dormmates to raise their eyebrows.
"Damn, you're more grouchy than usual." Avery stated.
Severus huffed and looked over at Lily at her table. She was nibbling on her food too, looking at it like it was a pile of slugs. She didn't seem happy and he couldn't blame her.
He didn't know what he wanted anymore. He didn't know anything about anything anymore. All he ever wanted was to be successful and influential and to have Lily as his girlfriend. Now, he had slept with her and he didn't know where his life was going now or what to do. He guessed Potions apprenticeship would work. The reality of choosing her or the Death Eaters weighed heavy on his mind all the time. The reality that he was going to be a father in about eight months or so was something he just couldn't grasp at all. Lily was more excited than he was, but he could tell she was very frightened and nervous. He was too, but he didn't dare show or mention it. He wasn't a coward and refused to show anything that might make someone think it. He just didn't know how this would turn out and something told him this would not end well at all. All he wanted was for him to have his chance as a Death Eater, have Lily as his lover and for the potential baby to disappear because his life was pure hell right now.
"Who're you lookin' at?" Travers asked.
Severus shook his head, "No one. Staring into the room." He shut his eyes, rubbed his burning temple, and cursed to himself. There was no cake, let alone eating it too.
26 January 1978
Severus stood in the hallway reading the paper with Lily after lunch.
"Anything interesting?" Lily closed her eyes and folded her arms across her stomach and tried to push back the sudden nausea.
"Not really. There's apparently a blizzard in some parts of the US. That's probably the most interesting bit in the news. At least there's no new news about the war. Are you okay?" He raised his forehead seeing her breathing in and out.
"I don't feel so well." She admitted. "I shouldn't have eaten that food. It sounded really good. I should have known better."
"What part sounded really good?"
"The sauerkraut. I think I ate too much of it. Then I was afraid I'd feel sick, so I ate some bread-" She put the back of her hand to her mouth feeling the urge to gag. Bile started to rise up her throat. "Oh-I" she shook her head, "I gotta go." She rushed towards the bathroom trying to not start gagging and alerting those around that she was about to vomit. She ignored a couple fellow students in the bathroom and quieted the sound in the stall before she threw up, afraid of rousing suspicion. After a few minutes, she grabbed some toilet tissue to wipe her mouth and flushed the toilet a final time. "Fuck" she mumbled to herself as she wiped the tears that had fallen as a result and sniffed. After another minute and not feeling as though she was going to be sick again, she unmuted the stall and left.
At the sink, she slammed her hand on the side and gripped it tightly for a moment before she leaned over and splashed cold water on her face. Hiding constant puking was not going to be easy either. After she stuck a peppermint in her mouth, she finally left the bathroom. Severus was waiting outside the bathroom for her.
"Are you feeling any better?"
She nodded, "I'm okay. I'm just never eating sauerkraut again."
He gave her a slight side smile and held out his hand, "Come on, we have to get to our classes if you feel up to it."
She sighed, "No, I don't. I'd rather go back to bed, but I know I must pretend I'm fine, so off to classes I go."
He frowned and gulped. "Sorry. If I could make you feel better-"
"It's not your fault," she smiled at him. "Well, not all your fault."
"Well, I'll be sure to avoid sauerkraut should I ever get pregnant."
Lily rolled her eyes and tilted her head slightly to the right with her mouth twitched up in a closed and forced smile. "I could hex you right now."
"Except you won't. Guess you like me too much."
"Not yet, but don't push it." Her mouth twitched slightly into a smile. "Let's go try and get through the afternoon classes."
Later that day
"Are you up for eating?" Severus asked.
"I'm starving." She grabbed her stomach. "I basically threw up my entire lunch earlier."
He cringed, "Hope you don't your dinner too."
She grimaced, "I hope not."
He grinned, "I think I smell some roast chicken. Maybe potatoes."
"That sounds good. Maybe some veg too. Some green beans sound really good right now."
He smirked, "Hopefully not more sauerkraut."
She scrunched up her nose and frowned, "Ugh, no."
"What? Potatoes and sauerkraut don't sound delicious together?" He teased.
"No." She groaned. "Please never mention it again."
He put his hands up, "Okay, won't mention anymore. I don't want to make you sick again. Let's go see what they do have to eat."
30 January 1978
"Happy Birthday!" Several of her fellow Gryffindors bellowed as she exited the dorms. Lily jumped back with a gasp.
"You're 17!" Her dormmate Melody tossed some confetti at her.
"Uh-yeah." She tried to smile, but all she really wanted to do was get something to eat before she started to throw up again. "Thanks."
"You act so tired all the time anymore. You need to eat some more foods with iron or something-maybe you are anaemic?"
Lily knew she was not anaemic; the prenatal potions she was taking had lots of iron and folic acid in them. "I'm fine, really. Just a lot of homework lately."
"Well then, we got you some gifts." She pointed to the table near the fire. "And Karen made a cake and we have some ice cream for tonight."
Lily thanked them but wished she could just eat some breakfast and go back to bed. "Ice cream sounds great." To her surprise, cake sounded unappealing. The thought of eating it repulsed her though ice cream sounded delicious.
"You seem in a right mood, Evans. Who isn't happy with cake and ice cream?" Sirius spoke.
"Thanks for your concern, Black. I'm fine." She spoke through gritted teeth. "Now get lost. Don't need you to make this day worse, got it?"
"What? A bad day already? Considering how moody you've been, have to wonder. You on your period, Evans?" He chortled.
Her face went pale and she choked. "What?"
"Only teasing, sheesh."
"Real funny." She rolled her eyes and turned back to her friends. They began to hand her presents. While she opened her gifts and tried to sound enthusiastic, all she really wanted to do was go have breakfast and go back to bed. Pretending she felt great and everything was great was harder than she thought.