*I do not own anything related to Grey's Anatomy or any music lyrics used in this story*
Chapter 1
Sometimes things have to fall apart to fall together. Or at least that's what I had been telling myself since Addison had shown up. Every night I longed for him. For Derek. I felt stuck. Apathetic. Just going through the motions.
Pick me. Choose me. Love me.
He chose her and it felt devastating. Yet….could I blame him? If he was unwilling to fight for his marriage then would he even be the Derek I fell for?
"Hey." He said sullenly. It pulled me out of my reverie.
"Hey, you okay? You seem…" I trailed off. Maybe now wasn't the time. Rounds were starting shortly.
"Yeah….you know….holidays." He said quietly.
"Oh….yeah. I do know." I said softly.
We shared a small smile. I took a deep breath and forced myself to focus. Tim Epstein had fallen stringing up Christmas lights, however I wasn't assigned to his case. I was assigned to the pit. Alex was worrying about passing his boards again. This was something in my power to help. With Bailey's permission I insisted Alex let me help him study. He was one of us and despite the drama with Izzy, I wouldn't stand by and let him fail again. They didn't know it yet, but we were all going to help. The day passed by in a blur. Most did to be honest. As I was walking out I spotted Derek out of the corner of my eye. I wanted to keep walking. I needed to keep walking. Yet his soft voice gave me pause as always. I found myself sharing my own sadness and wished him Merry Christmas. Then I went home and laid underneath the tree with Izzy and George. I stared at the Christmas lights. I thought if I stared hard enough maybe their light would fill me with the warmth I sought. He chose her. Why was it so hard for me to let him go? Maybe it was because despite not knowing him at all, I knew him. I knew the way his eyes sparkled when he was provoking me. I knew a minimalistic life in the woods was all Derek really craved. I knew he took his coffee black and that despite his desire to stay in bed as long as possible he also always made sure to eat a solid breakfast. I remembered fondly his judgement of my cold pizza and leftovers breakfasts. I knew he was persistent, kind, and cocky yet also very practical. I knew loyalty mattered deeply to him. When Addison slept with Mark, Derek ran. What I wanted to do now. I wanted to run. From him. From my mother. From my responsibility. It was so much harder to have to take accountability. How could I possibly think this would have a good outcome? I chose to become involved with my attending. Even before I knew of Addison this relationship was inappropriate.
A week later it was after New Years. The holidays were finally over— a small relief. I'd already hit the new 80 hour limit for the week and was heading home. As luck would have it Derek joined me in the elevator. His surgery had been postponed. Zedd's "Daisy" began to play. I listened in silence for a moment. I cursed silently when I couldn't take it.
Daisy, always climbing up the same tree
Finding love in all the wrong scenes, Daisy, you got me
Daisy, always walking down the wrong streets
Starting fires out of dead weeds, Daisy, you got me
Let me show you how a kiss should taste
Trust me, I won't give your heart away
Why you running, running when you got it right here?
Oh, I would love you if you let me
"It's a new year. I have a dog." I blurted.
"You have a dog. I love dogs." Derek said as he inched closer to me. Giving me his best Mcdreamy look.
Daisy, always dancing to the same beat
Broken records stuck on repeat, Daisy, you got me
Daisy, don't you know that you're amazing?
Broken heart just keeps on breaking, Daisy
And I would take the light out of the stars to help you see
Anything to guide you straight to me
"Don't give me that look."
"What look?"
"Our look. I'm over you. I've moved on." I said, taking a step away.
"Good. I'm over you too." He said closing the distance once again.
Let me show you how a kiss should taste
Trust me, I won't give your heart away
Why you running, running when you got it right here?
Oh, I would love you if you let me
Let me show you how a kiss should taste
Trust me, I won't give your heart away
Why you running, running when you got it right here?
Oh, I would love you if you let me
I won't give your heart away
Why you running, running when you got it right here?
"Really?" I asked raising an eyebrow.
"No." He smiled brightly.
"Well I really am over you."
"I'm over you too." He said into my ear. I felt his hot breath on my neck and had to suppress a shudder. I glanced at him, then, and a small smile formed on my lips. I rolled my eyes as the elevator stopped. Turning to leave I locked eyes with Addison. Instant guilt. I quickly made my exit. As hurt as I was I had no interest in hurting Addison. It didn't stop the knife twisting sharply in my chest though.
I stopped home to check on Doc. As much as sleep called to me, I found myself heading to the nursing facility my mother was in. I was tired of the guilt and pressure the staff constantly put on me. I was trying. I was all she had so it was a surprise to hear that visitors really cheer her up when I arrived. Who could be visiting her? Granted after her trip to the hospital, her Alzheimer's wasn't exactly a secret anymore; still Ellis Grey was a tough woman to get close to. As I approached the sitting room I felt my heart quicken. Why was he everywhere, always? Then I felt a deep anger settle over me. How dare he be here? My private life was not his to know.
Getting into his personal space, I said,
"What are you doing here?"
"There is a clinical trial to slow the progression of early onset Alzheimer's." He said as if it were the most logical thing in the world.
"Okay. Me, you can screw with. My mother? No. Not acceptable." I said darkly.
"There has been promising results for similar studies. Meredith, your mother is a prime candidate."
"That's not your concern! My mother is very sick. She has very few good days. I don't want her being poked and prodded in some experimental program."
"I'm just trying to help. You've been alone with this for so long…"
"Yes I have. And this? What you're doing, being dreamy? It doesn't help. It hurts me. It messes with my head."
"I know the feeling."
"I don't doubt that but you don't get to say that to me. You have a wife to go home to. A wife that likely has no idea where you are right now."
"No. She doesn't." He admitted sheepishly.
"Well I uh….I should go." He added reluctantly.
"Yes. You should. Get your stupid dreamy eyes and your stupid dreamy face out of my sight." I said as I walked away briskly. I couldn't let him see the tears that threatened to fall.
I sat down next to my mother. I smiled at her and took a moment to gather myself.
"You look tired. I was going at it all night in the on call room. What's your excuse?" She said as if to a colleague. I tried to contain my shock.
"I have a demon puppy. But he's so very cute." I managed.
"I have surgery in half an hour. The new neuro head Dr. Shepherd came in for a consult. He also told me about some intriguing Alzheimer's research. Wanted another opinion, I think. He said he's spent the last few weeks researching to help his friend's mother. I told him that sounds like a larger gesture than one you make for a friend. Smart man. Kind man. Attractive man, don't you think? If I didn't already have a lover making me purr like a kitten and growl like a tiger, I might be tempted. With all these hot doctors it's no wonder I've lost interest in my husband. I feel like a horny teenager. And Thatcher….well if he had any balls he'd leave. I came home with a hickey on my neck and he pretended to ignore it." Ellis' eyes sparkled.
I was mortified.
"I ummm….we should focus on work." I said awkwardly, blushing.
That seemed to finally pull her focus away from the one topic no one wants to discuss with a parent.
Losing a parent is hard. Having a parent that is simultaneously present and absent is harder. Sometimes I wished she would die. And then the guilt hits. What kind of person am I to wish my own mother dead? My childhood was tough to be sure, but I still wanted her to be proud of me deep down. I wanted her love. The Ellis Grey everyone else always saw. Tough to get to know and yet so very passionate. It was 4pm when I returned to the hospital. Chief Webber hunted me down shortly after and reminded me of Derek's good intentions. Maybe it was the weeks Derek had spent and my desire to have him nearby. Maybe it was the chief or my desire to have more good days. Whatever the reason I decided I would hear them out.
Around midnight I had finished checking on the cases I'd been assigned. Mcdreamy was at the nurses station.
"Hi" I said.
"Hey." He smiled.
"So. Tell me about the trial." I smiled weakly.
"What changed your mind?"
"Don't do that. Don't make it personal."
"We can be friends."
"Friends." I paused awkwardly. "Today changed my mind. My mother changed my mind. The chief changed my mind."
I could tell he wanted to ask more and I considered things carefully.
"There are some things Derek Shepherd that one does not enjoy discussing with a parent. Especially an unaware parent. That's all you get."
His eyes sparkled with contained curiosity.
"Let's go sit down and I'll give you some information to take home and mull over."
Around 2am I found myself running into the bathroom hands full of laundry as I slammed the door behind me. Doc was wild. I wasn't ready to admit defeat, but I had to admit his peeing in the house was frustrating. George and Izzy sat on the bathroom floor with a box of pizza between them and a disapproving look.
"Give me a slice." I said tossing my laundry aside and sliding to the floor.
"See Mer? The dog has got to go!" George yelled.
"He's cooped up. We need to be better at making sure someone comes home to walk him. Make a schedule." I said defensively.
"Mer...seriously he'd be better off with someone else. Somewhere he can run all the time. We are too busy. It was a good idea, it was, but we aren't home enough." Izzy said gently.
Deep down I knew she was right. Doc was my way of filling the void Derek had left. Wasn't it better than the parade of one night stands I'd had? Especially the fiasco at the hospital with Steve.
Despite the late hour I drew myself a bath. I loved that the master bedroom had a clawfoot bathtub attached. Sinking into the steaming hot water I felt my muscles relax. As I let it envelope me the weight of the day hit and a few tears slid their way down my cheeks and into the bath water.