*I do not own anything related to Grey's Anatomy or any music lyrics used in this story*
Chapter 2
A few days later the tensions were mounting at home with Doc. I'd left early for the hospital. Partly to avoid Izzy and George and having to make a decision. Partly because Derek was going to help me with some blood work for the Alzheimer's trial. They needed a full medical history. I sat in an empty gallery hiding. And then Cristina walked in.
"Hey. Why aren't you stealing all the good cases?" I asked her.
"Why aren't you stealing all the good cases?" She questioned sitting next to me.
"Mcdreamy is doing me a favor."
"Burke thinks I moved in with him. Wait a minute Mer. You're calling him Mcdreamy again?" She showed her disapproval clearly.
"What do you mean he thinks? Cristina you need to trust him a little. And I'm trying to stay away but every time I turn around he's there. How am I supposed to recover? He's still Mcdreamy." I sighed.
"So I kept my apartment so what? And I know." Cristina put her hand on my arm. And that was it. That's why she was my person. After Derek took my blood, I headed to the intern locker room. Izzy was there with George—and Doc. George gave me an ultimatum—the dog or him. In the past few weeks Doc had spent more time without us than with us. Izzy was right and I needed to accept that. By lunch time, Izzy and I had finally agreed on an ad to put up in the hospital. I insisted I be the contact. If I had to part with Doc I had to know he was going to someone who would care for him properly. Shortly after the ad went up I had a message.
Derek Shepherd: I love dogs.
Me: I know.
Derek Shepherd: I'm just saying. I love dogs. Doc should find a home with someone who will care for him properly.
Me: I know. You can't do this. You can't keep trying to fix everything. You. Are. Married.
Derek Shepherd: and you are my friend.
Me: right.
Derek Shepherd: I have the land. You could drop him off tonight. Think about it.
At the end of the day Derek unfortunately was the best option. So Izzy, George, and I went to the trailer. It was weird right? I was the dirty mistress and now here I was giving them my dog. Derek and Addison came outside as we approached. Addison reached down to pet Doc. In that moment I saw a glimpse of what our future might have been like. A future that I knew in so many ways was exactly what I wanted. I was jealous of Addison. I knew this pining was unhealthy. As she brought Doc inside, I couldn't make myself break Derek's gaze.
"You don't have to do this you know."
"Well I've got all this land going to waste." He said.
Silence filled the space between the four of us. I still couldn't tear my gaze away from Derek's mesmerizing blue eyes.
"Meredith, we should go." Izzy said gently, pulling me back to reality.
"Right. Goodnight Derek." I said a little breathlessly.
"Goodnight, Meredith." He said softly.
Letting Doc go meant I no longer could put off dealing with my feelings. In that moment I felt a certain amount of relief and sadness at that thought. As George drove us back, I sat in the back of the car. A single tear fell down my cheek.
The next day the nurse's strike had started and everyone was a little on edge. Dr. Bailey was out with her pregnancy nearing completion. Today we'd have a new resident. As Sydney Heron introduced herself in front of the nurse's station, I simultaneously wanted to vomit from her absurdly happy demeanor and laugh as she hugged Cristina. Seriously, who is that happy? I quickly said I had patients to check on not wanting to spend another minute near her. I took a moment to check my messages as I made my escape.
Derek Shepherd: Just wanted to let you know that Doc is doing well.
Me: Thank you.
I stopped myself from saying more. Derek and I needed at least I needed distance. As I put away my phone I heard her. Grace Bickham. With no one around to help, I made a quick decision to intubate her as she was having trouble breathing. I did this only to find out later that she may have a DNR order. Now I was being berated by her very gossipy friends as we waited for her daughter, Alice, to arrive. If she arrived and confirmed the DNR I would be forced to kill my patient. As Richard and I left the group and he confirmed my understanding, I let it slip that he was a bit of an old lady whisperer. Not only had he placated Grace's friends but he had also put a smile on my mother's face this morning. I had intended to visit her but seeing them laughing and holding hands I had left. I suspected that Richard may be mom's affair but I needed to know for sure. So I'd made small comments throughout the day like this. He wasn't owning to anything.
A few hours later Alice had arrived. As I removed Grace's tube, I found myself thinking about how all of her family including her husband had passed except her daughter. It hit close to home. Mom was alone. Except for me— and Derek and Richard evidently. How lonely that must be. In that moment I could understand their desire to let Grace go. I watched as her daughter kissed her for the last time. I felt the tears threatening to spill over but I had to hold it together until we called time of death. Richard approached.
"Two hours and seventeen minutes so far." I said.
Richard nodded. "Keep me posted. Need anything?"
J shook my head. Richard moved to walk away when I finally blurted what had been on my mind all day.
"I saw you. I saw you with her this morning." J said quickly."
"Oh." He said, the tension clear on his face.
"They say you come 3 times a week?"
"Whenever I can. Would you like me to stop?"
"I….do you think she's lonely?" I asked. Grace was still on my mind.
"Yes. I do." He admitted.
I nodded. Processing. Then stepped into Grace's room.
"Time of death 12:42." I said. Walking quickly out of the room I ran into a supply closet and fell to the floor, sobbing. I felt so broken. So utterly broken. I heard Wildermiss playing faintly from the nurse's station. I hadn't realized how close it was. I should have chosen my hiding place more carefully. Had I been seen?
"Keep it Simple" by Wildermiss
Running uphill, walking down it
Running uphill, walking down it
The waves are mountains our eyes
Cause everything we are has come to light
It's towering
But that's what we're waiting for…
Moments after I'd walked into the supply closet the door opened and shut. I didn't have to look up to know Derek was there. His familiar scent of sandalwood filled the room. I couldn't stop sobbing. Derek knelt down beside me. I felt his eyes on me but couldn't meet them.
Sometimes it's the way we say it
How we're honest but our hearts are closed
It's towering
But that's what we're waiting for…
I can't…..I….I don't want her to be alone." I choked out.
I couldn't breathe. My chest hurt. My soul hurt.
"I don't want her to die alone. I…" my voice cracked.
And we'll talk like we've forgotten
Cause we keep it simple, we keep it simple
Running uphill, walking down it
Running uphill, walking down it
Running uphill, walking down it
I thought I knew how I'd react
I found Those moments I thought were never coming back
It's towering
But that's what we're waiting for
Derek handed me a bag to breathe into. I was hyperventilating. I'm not sure which came first but at some point my head found its way onto Derek's shoulder. I leaned into the crook of his neck inhaling the scent of him. His arm wrapped around my shoulders protectively.
And we'll talk like we've forgotten
Cause we keep it simple, we keep it simple
Running uphill, walking down it
Running uphill, walking down it
Running uphill, walking down it
And we'll talk like we've forgotten
Cause we keep it simple, we keep it simple
I focused on my breathing. In. Out.
Running uphill, walking down it
Running uphill, walking down it
Running uphill, walking down it
Running uphill, walking down it
Running uphill, walking down it
Nearly half an hour later I managed to look at him.
"It's gonna be okay. I'm here." He said.
"Thank you." I managed.
His face was still mere inches from mine. I ached for him but kissing him wasn't an option.
"You….should go." I said, hardly trusting my own voice.
He paused. I could see in his eyes that he wanted to say something. Then his pager went off.
"Go. Really." I said once more.
Alone once again, I took another deep breath. Ready or not I couldn't hide when I still had several hours of work left. I knew now that I didn't want Richard to stop visiting her. As confusing and painful as it might be I loved my mother. After Grace I was sent to the pit. A young woman had a long gash in her arm. She'd been robbed and when she fought back her assailant had slashed her arm with a knife. She would be okay, but she needed stitches. After I finished with her arm I helped her to get in touch with the police. I sat with her while she waited for them to come take her statement. After that I tended to a little boy who had fallen from his horse and hit his head. No concussion. I was able to tell his very relieved mother she could take him home and let us know of any changes but that he should be fine. It was now around 6pm. There was a lull and I needed to re-group. As I went in search of food I saw the chief. I approached him still carrying my resolve from earlier.
"You should continue to visit her. She…..she lights up when you are around." I said smiling.
Richard nodded and flashed a small smile.
With that I found myself with a cup of coffee and a salad in the basement. Alex, Izzy, George, and Cristina were all there.
"Seriously, how can anyone be that happy? How? It makes me sick." Cristina said.
"Come on guys, I'm sure she has some good qualities." Izzy said. Ever our optimist.
"Don't tell me you are gonna start healing with love like Alex." Cristina scoffed.
"Hey, I just played the game okay. She's a nightmare but she's what we've got till Bailey comes back." Alex said in his defense.
"I gotta agree with Cristina. No one is that happy. It's just unnatural, but it's nice to see you open up to someone Cristina. That was some hug this morning." I said eyes lighting up with amusement.
"Shut the hell up Meredith." she grumbled, slugging my arm in the process.
"I never thought I'd miss the nazi." George said as his pager went off. Then Izzy's went off. Then Cris.
At one point in time sitting with Alex Karev alone might have been uncomfortable. As I got to know him though, I began to see there was more to him. He was an idiot. He'd hurt Izzy. Yet I knew he truly did care for her. He'd simply made a mistake.
"How's it hanging Grey?"
"I'm fine. It's fine. Everything is fine." I said.
"Are you sure? I could get Sydney down here. It sounded like you were jealous of Cristina's hug this morning."
"You wouldn't." I said with a glare.
"Oh, I would."
"I suddenly have patients to check on and paperwork before I go home." I said with a smirk.
"Sure you do." He said smugly.
"Night, Karev." I said with a small smile. "Thanks. I needed that."
"Anytime, Grey. I'm here to heal with love." He said dramatically.
I rolled my eyes and headed upstairs. In some ways Alex was a lot like Cristina. Not too emotional, but he knew when I needed to feel supported.
13 hours later and I was finally leaving Seattle Grace. All I wanted was a hot shower and my bed. I watched as the elevator doors shut. Five floors to the lobby and I'd be free. On four the doors opened and Derek stepped in. I felt so many conflicting emotions from the day that I remained silent. As more people boarded the elevator on three, Derek stepped behind me to make more room. He stood a little closer to me than he needed to, but not so close that it would raise any looks. I could feel his presence warm me. Finally the doors opened to the lobby. I was grateful Derek didn't press me for conversation. He had witnessed a very vulnerable moment for me. There was an intimacy today that in most circumstances I made it a point to avoid. Now that it was there I just didn't know how to handle it, and so there it was again. Avoidance.