Chapter Four: Nothing To Live For

Laying on her bed, she stared up at the white ceiling. The wooden fan above hummed as it spun around, cooling her already frozen body. The four blank walls surrounding her felt tight and suffocating. They encased her in a box that choked the life out of her. The walls kept pressing in, further and further till she couldn't breathe well. Hundreds of void black hands tickled her feet, their fingers scratching every section of her body. They moved up from her toes to her legs, tightening her muscles. Her chest pressed down on itself as the hands gathered around her torso, then around her neck. They strangled her till her throat was voiceless, then moved up towards her eyes and reached to gouge them out.

Liz sat up from her bed and looked down at her legs. The dark bags under her red eyes were deep and her cheeks were stained with tears. Her long white hair dropped down to her back and reached her thighs.

She looked to her right at the alarm clock sitting on the wooden counter. It's glass was shattered, but the hands kept ticking, and ticking, and ticking.

It was a few minutes before twelve in the morning.

All of the windows blocked out the sunlight with their shutters. Not a single ray reached her room; it was too blinding for her to bear.

The floor was a complete mess. Hundreds of crumpled clothes littered the ground. Several towels were tossed around to seemingly random places. They were all stained a strange hue of dark yellow, and each one was crusty and hard.

She swung her legs to the side of the bed and slowly stood up, her long white hair trailing her, and so were hundreds of shadowy limbs that grabbed onto her body. Taking the form of arms and hands, her shadow engulfed her backside and tried to pull her back into the bed. Seemingly effortlessly, she shrugged off the shadows and made her way out of her room.

Her thin body was clothed by a set of loose pink pajamas. They looked quite nice from the front, but the back was horrifying. All of the shadows connected behind her in sticky-like tentacles that attached to her clothes and skin. The shadows extended from her back and grabbed onto the walls around her, every inch of it palpitating and pulsating, as if it were alive. Uncomfortable sounds of goop mushing together would make anyone's spine tingle if they heard it, but Liz was used to the sound, the smell, and the weight of her guilt that tried to pull her back into her bed.

Liz resided in a cheap low-quality apartment. It had no air conditioners, no heaters, and had no room service. The only upside was that she didn't need to pay that much to stay. The landlord wasn't nice either. He was a jerk to everyone. He never sympathized with anyone and would never understand their condition, no matter how severe it would be.

Stepping through the trash and clothes littering the floor, she made her way to the fridge that was near the exit door. It was a small plain mini fridge that laid on the dirty carpet floor. She moved against the monstrosity that attempted to pull her away from one of her main sources of energy: food, but she resisted the powerful urge to rest for all eternity and grabbed onto the doors of the fridge, pulling it open.

Inside the nearly empty fridge was a single packet of saltine crackers. They sat there in the middle of the rackets, surrounded by empty containers of other foods.

Liz's eyes glossed over the fact that she didn't have any more ingredients except for a small snack that wouldn't do anything for her and grabbed the packet. Her fingers rubbed against the plastic casing, the sound of it cracking and folding onto itself tingled her ears. She lifted it up from the fridge and made her way towards the singular table that laid lopsided by the windows, which were also closed.

The shadowy hands grabbed at the packet in her hand and tried to pull them away from her, but she held onto it tightly, her eyes not even acknowledging them, as if they never existed in the first place.

Once she reached the small circular table, she pulled out the single chair that was underneath it, the sound of the legs scraping against the floor, slightly annoying her ears. Sitting down, she stretched her arms out across the table and stared at the picture frame that laid in the middle.

A small family of four; two adults and two children. All of their faces were scratched out except for the girl with orange hair. She smiled brightly at the camera. Not a single doubt of worry was etched onto her cheerful face.

Liz stared at it for a moment before adjusting it to where it faced the wall. Opening the packet, she took out the crackers and laid them on the table, the black glove on her left hand gathering crumbs. The slit on top of it exposed the bright red colors of her command seals, just barely. Two of them shone bright, while the third one was dark and scratched out from being used.

She looked away from her hand and picked up a cracker to eat. "I shouldn't call them back," she muttered to herself as she placed the cracker into her mouth.

Everybody she's known was angry with her. They judged her and saw her as a nuisance. Perhaps if she didn't yell at them or push them away, they would still love her.

While slowly crunching at the cracker in her mouth, she picked up her knees and laid her head in her thighs.

Fate was never on her side. After the end of the Holy Grail War, Liz constantly had nightmares from the vision she had. They would keep her up at night and worry her friends. Whenever they asked her if she was okay, she would reply with, "I'm fine. It's just a small migraine."

The nightmares she would have were vivid and repetitive. She would wake up in her parents home, walk up to her dad's room to find his bloodied corpse, slaughter her mother and little brother, then wake up. Over and over and over.

It made her think that it was a prophecy, that she would be the one to kill them some day.

And she did.

A few months after the War, her parents wanted her to come with them on a trip to Germany, her supposed homeland, but she refused to go for the worst of reasons.

Liz stood by the doorway in a sweater and jeans, looking down at her foster parents and little brother. They looked back at their daughter with their genual smile. "Elizabeth, come with us. It would be fun!" her mother said while tugging on her hand. "You get to see the culture and try out new foods! You like cheese, right? I heard the cheese there is really good."

Liz looked away shyly and rubbed her shoulder. "I'm not feeling so well mom. I feel like if I went, our trip wouldn't be as fun."

That was half of the truth. She really wasn't feeling well from the lack of sleep, but the other half was more of a secret for her.

She just wanted to be alone for a few days to think. In her mind, all that she thought of was that if she was with her parents, there was a chance that she would kill them. She didn't want that to happen. She wanted to protect them from herself.

Her mother pouted at her and sighed. "I guess we can't drag you along. You're an adult now, you can make your own choices."

"I'm sorry… I just need some time alone at home right now." She put her hand down and hugged her mom, then moved to her father and brother.

"That's fine," her mother said as she looked over her shoulder at her three people standing behind her. "And you three better take care of her while we're gone," she said while waving to them goodbye. Those three people…

She couldn't remember who they were.

Their faces were scratched out from her memories, and so were their voices. They stood there like thumb prints, text would zoom across their faces to state what they were saying. Just small little phrases like, "yes", "will do", "no worries". It was as if her brain scratched them out on purpose, but she couldn't tell if it was to help her, or to do more harm.

But it wouldn't matter anyways. She hasn't seen them for years. They've probably forgotten about her, just like she did for them. Just soulless figures hidden in the back of her mind.

They became even less than air two weeks later when Liz received the call that ruined her.

The caller was a doctor who identified the three bodies. "It was quick," they said with a non-sympathetic tone, "and it was painless. I'm sorry for your loss."

Then they hung up.

No counseling, no suggestions, just a "hello", then a "goodbye".

Liz sat on her bed in shock, her phone still in hand by her ear. She took a deep breath in and placed the phone down beside her. Her eyes stared down at the foot of the bed, silent and tired.

Walking into her room, an indescribable figure walked in. They stared at her and asked, "are you alright?" Their formless, disoriented, dark figure shifted ever so slightly vertically. They probably thought that she was weird and acting strange, most likely annoyed with her, didn't really care for her. What if she told them the news. Would they care? Or would they treat it like a threat, something to use to guilt trip them, to be clingy to them. They would hate and despise her. She wasn't perfect, she understands that, but if they were just going to constantly look at her "imperfections" and not her good side, then what was the point of having them there in the first place?

In a fit of rage, she screamed and threw her phone out the window, the glass shattering outside and surprising them both.

As her anger resided into sadness, tears started to pour down her cheeks and onto her blanket. With a loud frustrated yell, she covered her face with her hands and weeped, her cries resonating through the entire apartment complex.

Two more people, all of them were black smudges with no form whatsoever, surrounded her. Hundreds of text shot across their bodies too fast for her to read. They were probably scared of her, feared her, maybe even hated her.

Liz covered her ears and lowered her head onto her pillow. "Leave me alone!" she shouted angrily, but they kept on pushing, they kept on asking questions, they kept pressing more into her mind, until she decided that the best way to keep them safe, was to push them away.

Her parents were killed because of her. If she said, "yes", and joined them, maybe she could've saved them, or maybe she could've died with them in peace. Everyone she's around gets hurt, and she didn't want that. She couldn't lose her close friends.

Raising up her left arm, Liz's back hand glowed as one of her Command Seal ignited. "By the order of my Command Seal, I order you! Stay away from me!"

A powerful surge of energy filled the entire apartment building. A red aura enveloped their shadowy figures, forcing them to take a step back, then another.

One of them tried to resist and reached out to grab her. "But Liz—"

"No! Please…" Liz clutched the blanket in her hands, her nails digging past the soft cloth and into her palms, making her bleed. "Leave me alone…"

And just like the wind, they were gone. They disappeared without a trace of where they went.

Then a week later, Liz left her apartment, left her job, and left what little friends she had left, to go to a cheaper place to stay where she wouldn't bother anyone and where she wouldn't be bothered herself.

A much smaller apartment. There were three floors, and each floor contained four small rooms with the essentials: a bedroom, restroom, and a living room, which was mashed with the kitchen.

Without a job or anymore friends, it was hard to support herself. She only had the money she inherited from her deceased family. The only other way of earning income was to work independently by herself, so she did.

She liked creating small indie games as a hobby to get her mind off of things. It gave her satisfaction whenever she finished a project, but it also felt hollow. Nobody played her games, so she never knew if they were good or not.

But she understood though. Why would anyone like what she made anyways? She had no friends or family anymore. She was poor and lonely. No talent coursed through her veins. She wouldn't want to play a game created by that kind of person either—

Ding.

Liz lifted up her head from her thighs and looked around. She was still in her cruddy apartment. Nothing changed, except for the fact that her computer in the far right of the room lit up. She eyed it curiously, wondering what the notification could've been. Maybe it was an ad, or maybe it was hate-mail. Either way, it wasn't going to matter if she didn't look at it.

Liz pushed herself out of the chair and walked over to the computer. The bright blue screen blinded her slightly, so she turned down the lighting and squinted at the screen. It was one P.M. She was daydreaming for roughly an hour.

Her stomach rumbled as she clicked on her gmail and opened it up. Most of the emails she's received were just ads from different companies, so she never really bothered to read any in the first place.

"It's hate mail," the shadows whispered to her as they tried to tug her arm away from the mouse.

"It's an ad."

"It's a report."

"It's a glitch."

Liz paused from scrolling up and stopped where she was, but her eyes were still concentrated on the screen. At the edge of the very top of the screen was the email she received. She couldn't see what it said, but she saw the exclamation marks next to it.

"It's not going to matter anyways, so who cares," Liz muttered to herself as she clicked on the email. It opened up to reveal a huge block of text, the subject in all capitals and bold. She sighed and leaned back. "You're right… It's hate mail—"

The subject read: "I LOVE YOUR GAME!"

Liz stared at the title, unsure of what to do. Blinking a few more times to make sure that she wasn't hallucinating, she leaned forward, peering at the bolded letters. "There's no way… Maybe they've mistaken me for someone else, or is this just how they campaign their ads?" she asked herself as she read the large block of text that followed.

"Dear F46,

I am in love with the indie game you have created so far. It's unlike everything I've seen before.

I've been playing video games for quite some time now and have grown quite bored over the years, but what you have created has sparked something within me.

Usually, indies are short and quick, they're satisfying for a quick 30 min to an hour of gameplay, and that's cool and all, but I would rather stick to one game than constantly shift.

When I found this one, my expectations were quite low at first. 'It's an indie developer with no reputation', 'There's no ratings on this game nor reviews, so it's probably crappy,' and other thoughts.

All of my doubts were thrown out of the window from the first five minutes I was playing. I was completely hooked by the story and the mechanics of it. I've never seen this kind of gameplay nor storytelling before.

Each character felt so alive and warm. Each moment was endearing and action packed. No matter what corner I took, I was always taken by surprise by how amazing and breathtaking each scene was. It was challenging, but not merciless, a perfect balance.

Everyday after work, I always go to my computer to see if it has updated or not, anticipating the next amazing event you've made, and I hope you do keep creating and updating games. I love everything you've done so far. Keep up the amazing work.

-Sincerely,

GetThatAss44"

While Liz read the review she received, her sight became blurry over time and her hands felt sweaty. She blinked hard and wiped her eyes. Tears were flowing down from her cheeks and onto her hand.

The shadows grabbing onto her body, suffocating her and trying to pull her back into an eternal slumber, evaporated into dust and fell onto the floor.

Sniffling and wiping her face, Liz choked back on tears and happiness. "Why… Why do you like the stuff I create?" she asked rhetorically while silently groaning. "I don't deserve your time…"

After taking a deep breath and clearing her jumbled mind, she straightened her back and placed her hands on the keyboard. "Should I make a reply?" she asked herself, her fingers hovering over the keys. "Maybe I shouldn't, it would make me clingy… but what would happen if I don't reply? Would they think that I ignored them, and then they would think all of that effort in making this review would go to waste?"

Liz's foot tapped on the ground with a quick tempo, her hands still over the keys, and her eyes darting back and forth from the screen to the keyboard. "Come on Elizabeth. Just type something. Put your heart and soul into this reply," she told herself.

With the quick taps of her fingers, she entered some letters and clicked sent.

"Thanks", is what she replied with.

Liz stared at her stupid response and groaned from embarrassment while rubbing her temples. "Why…"

She looked up at the screen and waited for a few moments with anticipation. The shadows on her back slowly reformed and grew back. "He's disappointed in you," the tiny clump of darkness whispered. "He put all that hard work for you, and he gained dirt and dust."

Liz lowered her eyes towards the keyboard and sighed. "Well… at least dirt and dust is something… it's better than nothing."

Once more, her computer chimed. Another email was sent to her.

"No problem F46! I sincerely liked your game and can't wait for the next update that will come, and I have some suggestions as well as some comments, but it could be a bother to spam it all to you. Would it be okay if we met irl?"

Liz's foot tapped anxiously as she typed in another reply. "I would love to!"

"When are you free to meet up?"

"Any day is fine, but I can leave the choice up to you."

"Is today at two good enough for you?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

"I know a good cafe by the library near the shopping district. Want to meet there?"

"Sure."

"Alright then, I'll meet you there in an hour F46!"

"You too, GetThatAss44."

Just as she said goodbye, Liz immediately stood up and grabbed the sides of her head. "I need to get ready!" She ran to her bedroom and dug through her horrendously messy closet. Picking through the thick clumps of clothes, she grabbed whatever her fingertips felt was the nicest material, and pulled it out. A white tuxedo with black edges. Her other hand held a white pair of pants.

"No, this doesn't fit my style…" she paused and stared at the white clothing.

Her old style… It felt like a reminder of who she was now— someone who no longer had meaning in life. Someone who had nothing to live for anymore.

Her hands tightened around the white fabric. If this wasn't her style, then she would gladly accept it with open arms.

She took off her loose messy top and pants, then slipped on the white bottoms as well as the tuxedo. One by one, she pushed in the buttons and straightened out her shirt. It was a comfy yet tight fit. She was surprisingly the perfect size for it.

"One last thing," Liz muttered to herself as she rushed to the kitchen and grabbed a scissor, then walked back to the restroom. Her lifeless gaze reflected back at her from the restroom mirror. In her hands were the scissors. She raised it up to her neck and opened it up. With a swift movement of her wrist, she snipped her long hair. With each cut of the scissors, more strands of white hair fell to the floor.

Once she was done, she washed off the scissors and washed her hair. She looked back up at the mirror with her new appearance.

Short choppy white hair with some pieces too long, and others too short, a tuxedo that was meant for weddings and for men, and the sharp red eyes of an Ezinbern.

It was like looking at another person.

She lifted up her chin and looked at her neck, then down at her eyebrows. She sniffed her shoulder and nodded. "Not bad."

Searching through the drawers, she took out some perfume and sprayed it on herself before finally grabbing her toothbrush and hurriedly brushed her teeth. She spat into the sink and wiped her mouth with her sleeve before smiling at the mirror with her biggest smile.

"Alright, let's go."

Liz entered the living room and made her way to the exit while grabbing her purse and what little money it had left in it. She grabbed the keys from the coat hanger and opened the door to the outside.

The cold aura inside immediately froze her legs. She shivered and held her shoulders. "Yeah, I get it, I should grab a jacket." Taking a step back, she turned to her coat hanger and grabbed her white coat that was originally brown, but got stained from the overuse of bleach.

She slipped it on and tugged on the edges to make sure it was secure, then walked out into the hallway and made her way towards the exit.

Just as she placed her hand on the exit door that led to the outside of the building, a voice called out behind her. "Hey!" her landlord called as he stood up from his awfully messy desk, the intense smell of beer reeking from it. "Who are you and where do you think you're going, eh?"

His large and blubbery build made up most of his body, while his legs were like sticks. His meaty hands with their sausage fingers wiggled around and clenched into a fist that looked like it was formed by a enormous obese baby. His receding hairline exposed his balding head. The white tan-top that covered the horrendous beast, which was his stomach, was ripping near the center.

Liz tilted her head to the side and glared at him from the corners of her eyes. "It's me, Liz, and I'm heading out," she calmly answered.

Getting involved with the landlord would be a problem for her, but not because he was aggressive and hostile, but because he was a lazy bum who always asked the guest to do his chores.

"Ah, Liz," he said while scratching his bottom. "I didn't recognize you, well, I wouldn't have recognized you anyways since you never come out of your room, hehe." He squinted at her and took a step closer. "What changed? You never leave your room."

Liz hesitated to answer and pressed her shoulder against the door, slowly and silently pushing it open, inch by inch. "I just thought that it would be nice to go out every once in a while."

"Oh, you think so? Well, while you're at it, could you throw out the trash that's near the back?" he requested.

"I'm sorry, but I'm busy." She pushed open the door and took one step outside.

"Oh come on Elizabeth, there's only a few bags. Just do me a quick favor and that's all." He cautiously approached her to not aggravate her, but it wasn't working. Her annoyance was rising exponentially.

Behind her, the shadows grew from her back and slowly extended outwards while internally screaming in her mind. They wrapped around the door's handles and her hands.

Taking a deep breath, she calmed herself down and tried to keep her emotions in check. If she didn't, it could go out of control and hurt somebody, making her feel worse.

"I have to go, sorry," she said once more. The shadows growing on her back grew thick and wrapped around her finger tips, turning them a slight hue of red and purple. "Calm yourself, Liz," she told herself as she made her way towards the cafe.

From behind, the landlord grabbed her wrist forcefully. "Come on Elizabeth, it's just a small favor—"

Liz winced from the pain as the shadows within her body screamed in agony and anger. They morphed into claws and scratched his hand.

He jumped back from the sudden pain and yelled as he held his hand. "What the—"

"I'm sorry!" Liz said as she walked backwards towards the road. "I'm… I'm sorry…" She turned around and ran into the swarm of people.

Beads of sweat formed at her forehead as her eyes darted around at the hundreds of people surrounding her. They could be watching her, every step she took, every breath she breathed. They probably saw her harm her landlord. What did they think of her because of that? Would they hate her? Dislike her? Fear her?

"They are watching you."

"They've seen you."

"They hate you."

"Shut up," she mumbled to herself and pinched the back of her hand.

The cafe was only around half a mile away, if she remembered correctly. She couldn't recall what they served though, but it was probably coffee and cookies. Cookies didn't sound so bad at the moment. She needed something to munch on to push away all of the stress that was accumulating on her.

While mindlessly wandering through the streets towards the general direction of the cafe, her hands still tight around her purse, she already reached her destination obliviously. She paused for a moment as the scent of fresh coffee beans entered her nostrils. She took a quick whiff of the air and looked to her left. Lo and behold, there was the cafe.

Liz briskly entered the cafe and looked up at the menu. Maybe she should order something for the time being. It would look weird for her to be in a cafe without a drink.

Examining her surroundings, Liz realized that the cafe was somewhat empty with no one inside, except for one man who sat in the corner who was on his phone. A fan from above hummed as it spun around.

She approached the counter and awkwardly waved at the cashier. "Um… hi," she greeted nervously and extended her arm towards the cashier, but quickly retracted it back when she realized that that wasn't what people would normally do with a cashier.

The girl working as the cashier looked up at her and gave her the biggest and brightest smile Liz had seen in a long while. "Welcome consumer!" the cashier happily announced, as if introducing a baby into the world. Her bright short blond hair bounced up and down, the ahoge on top pointing upwards towards the ceiling. "What would you like to consume today?"

Her bright and cheerful smile was almost blinding to Liz. She's never seen someone so optimistic before. "Excuse me, but do you mean 'buy' instead of 'consume'?" Liz asked as she squinted at the girl's face.

"Oh! Was I not supposed to say that?" the girl replied, her clueless expression telling Liz that she was new to this job.

Liz nodded. "I don't work here, but I'm sure that you can just say, 'welcome, what would you like today?', or something like that."

"I see, I see." The girl placed her fingers on her chin and thought for a moment. "Mhm, I have an idea now." She flashed her brightest smile once more at Liz, but this time with a ferocious glint in her eyes. "White haired consumer, may you fulfill my wish?"

"It… it depends, I guess?"

"Good! Can you exit the door really quick and come back in, as if nothing has happened yet?" the blond girl requested.

"Sure…" Liz turned around and walked out of the cafe. While she was outside, she fixed her hair slightly and adjusted her coat. Once she was finished, she reentered the cafe and tried herself to give the best smile she could. All she could offer was a small grin.

With a loud booming voice, the blond girl shouted in a welcoming tune, "Welcome! What would you like to order today?!"

Her enthusiasm and brightness made Liz's spine tingle a bit, but it wasn't a bad tingle. Her goosebumps weren't from being afraid either. Her grin grew to a genuine smile as she walked towards the counter. "Yeah, that's better," she complimented.

"Oooh, it is?"

"Mhm. I liked it."

The blond girl's eyes shined with a brightness that made Liz's day even brighter than before. "Umu, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now… what was I doing again?"

"You were going to ask what I would like," Liz answered.

"Ah, yes, thank you." The girl cleared her throat and straightened her back. "What would you like today?"

"A simple black coffee will do."

"And what's your name?"

"My name is…" Liz paused and thought for a moment. Should she give her full name or her nickname? If she gave her nickname, wouldn't it be weird? They'd think that she was getting too close to them, and cause her to dislike her. She didn't want to ruin that beautiful smile. "My name is Elizabeth," she finally answered.

The girl nodded and took out a pen and a piece of paper. "Okay, your drink will come soon. You can take a seat if you want."

"Thank you." Liz walked over to the table near the exit and pulled out her chair. Before she had the chance to sit down, the voice of a man muffling their laughter stopped her in her tracks. She turned her head to the noise and spotted the man from the opposite corner.

The man looked up at her and shook his head. "I'm sorry, don't mind me," he said as he continued to look at his phone with a lopsided grin.

Liz sighed and sat in her seat. She looked down at the table, but her eyes kept drifting up towards him.

The man seemed like he was waiting for someone. Every so often, he would look up at the clock on the wall, then back at his phone. His foot tapped melodically on the wooden floor. It was a beat that Liz recognized, but she couldn't remember where it was from.

The shirt he wore attracted her sight even more. It was a complete failure of fashion—an abomination. She couldn't even look at it without her mind breaking, trying to decipher what was in front of her. She wanted to turn away from it, but it was too hideous to not stare at. It was an insane mixture of neon yellow and brown. No matter where she looked, it always stung her eyes. The rigid and imperfect patterns made her want to throw a book at his head for even wearing that. Even worse, he wore cargo shorts over jeans, as well as pink boots and a neon white frilly jacket with an inconsistent pattern of different brown flowers, one single flower being a painfully stained yellow on his shoulder. A denim cap laid on the table in front of him beside his drink.

He looked back up and their eyes made contact for a second.

Liz looked away, embarrassed that he caught her staring. "Please don't think I'm weird, please don't think I'm weird," she muttered silently.

"Hey, are you waiting for someone too?" the man asked, his posture straightening as he leaned back into his chair.

Liz raised her head slowly and nodded. "Yeah… you too?"

"Mhm…" He examined her for a moment with his deprived brown eyes. His messy brown hair shifted around as he rocked back and forth. "Say, are you possibly F46?" he asked.

"Yeah! I am! And you're that one user, um—"

"You can call me John if you want." He smiled at her and gestured for her to sit down in the seat across from him. "I guess we're both thirty minutes early for our meeting."

"Oh, we are?" Liz checked the clock above and saw that he was right. In a hasardly rush, she made it to the cafe thirty minutes before the actual meeting was set for.

"So your name is Elizabeth?" John asked as he placed his phone down.

"Yeah." Liz stood you from her seat and walked over to him. "I, uh, I really appreciate the email you sent me."

"No problem. I really did like the game you created."

"Thank you. So… what did you want to talk about?"