Part 2
Kathryn felt the string of cobwebs fill her eyes as she began to emerge from the depths of sleep. She had slept hard, and as she tried to move her heavy head, she noticed how pleasant and thoroughly satisfied her entire body felt.
A smile filled her lips as she gradually became more aware of the warmth and soft weight that seemed to surround her. Then the sudden shift of smoothness and the slight edge of metal sliding into her thigh fell against her, and in that groggy moment she was not entirely sure where she was. All she knew for certain was that she had never felt more comfortable, and she was hesitant to open her eyes lest it disappear. She knew she was not alone, and she did not want to think about that right now.
"Mmmm, Kathryn."
That voice! Oh my god! Did I really? Her eyes snapped open and searched the immediate area, revealing that she and Seven were wrapped together. They were so close she could not determine where she began and the other woman ended. "No, tell me no," she voiced dazedly yet firmly.
"Kathryn," Seven sleepily murmured again, and the silky sound of her voice coming out of that mouth made the Captain's heart race faster. Seven's legs slid against Janeway's, and it caused the smaller woman's head to fall back against the softness of her makeshift pillow, which was Seven's arm. "Are you okay?"
"This…." Kathryn was finding it hard to find her voice in that moment. "We…." She swallowed tightly in a very dry throat.
Seven shifted again, the movement causing even more skin against skin friction, and it took all Janeway's strength to not let it unravel her completely.
"We?" she asked, her eyes full of concern.
"Um, let's get dressed, shall we?"
"If that is what you desire." Her voice sounded small and unsure, but she complied, moving away from the Captain until they were no longer touching.
Feeling the loss, Janeway immediately regretted it, yet knew it was what needed to be done. All she could do was watch as the blonde quickly put on her bio suit. She tried to move faster, but her movements were slow and heavy, and she felt as if she were not in her right mind. Finally, she managed to put her own clothes back on and blew out a long breath.
"Have I disappointed you, Kathryn?" Seven inquired, worried eyes narrowed in on the other woman.
The anxiety in the blonde's voice nearly tore Kathryn apart. She knew this was going to be a difficult conversation and she cursed herself at getting herself into this situation. She wished…. well, she wished for a lot of things, but she knew what she had to do. "Of course not," she blurted out, running a hand through disheveled hair. "You could never…." She trailed off, biting the inside of her lip to keep her emotions in check. "You see…. Seven…. This never should have…."
"Paris to Captain Janeway."
Both women flinched at the staticky interruption. "Was that…?" The Captain gasped as she frantically began to look for her com badge. After locating it, she quickly answered. "Janeway here."
"Oh tha-good-are-you….." The distressed signal was choppy and weak.
"Lieutenant, are you there?" Janeway asked firmly.
Radio silence fell heavy between them, and they both waited until the Captain's patience finally wore out. "Janeway to Paris, come in Paris." They were greeted with more silence, as Seven pinned her back into a bun, looking perfect as ever as she began to clean up the area.
Awkward silence lingered between them as they waited for a response. Kathryn watched as the other woman efficiently gathered up the little belongings they had with them. She clenched her fist, and re-clenched it, as the other hovered just above the com badge. She knew she needed to talk to Seven about them…what happened between them last night. She wanted to tell this woman how that was the best night of her life, and it both saddened and sickened her what she had to do instead.
She needed to do it now and get it over with, but she was being uncharacteristicly cowardly. Captain Kathryn Janeway never backed down from anything, ever, but she was absolutely terrified her to her core. Just tell her! Swallowing, she exhaled a large breath. "Seven, we need to…"
"Captain Janeway, come in." Tom's voice broke through and she had never been so thankful at being interrupted.
"I'm here, Lieutenant."
"Sorry, it's this storm. I'm having a hard time zeroing in on you," he replied. "My instrument panel is going haywire."
"Be careful; that's what happened to us just before our shuttle went down."
"I'm about 17 clicks away. One second," was all he said before the com went dead.
Seven's eyes narrowed in on Kathryn's for a long moment and then in the next instant they were on the Delta Flyer.
"And, I got you," Tom cocked off with a satisfied grin. "Now, let's get out of here."
Seven was still holding their gear, which included the water samples she had retrieved while the Captain was asleep. However, that was the furthest thing from her mind right now. All she really wanted was answers, and judging by the way Kathryn was acting, she calculated the probability of getting them to be almost zero.
….
Voyager became very chaotic the moment the two women came aboard. There was a bizarre mishap with Paris on the holodeck. Then they provided much needed assistance to a planet suffering from a nuclear winter. Both prevented Seven from having a moment alone with the Captain, a moment she desperately needed.
Finally, after regeneration, she used the computer to locate the elusive Captain, who was in her ready room. Squaring her shoulders, she gathered up her Borg persistence and determination and sounded the door, somewhat surprised that it opened right away.
She could sense the older woman's uneasiness the moment their eyes met. "Captain," she greeted formally.
"Seven," Kathryn acknowledged, her tone cracking slightly as she swallowed, trying desperately to keep her command mask in place.
"It is essential that we speak."
Janeway knew she was not going to be able to keep avoiding this, no matter how hard she tried. And oh, how she had tried to put it off. She signed inwardly and tried to muster up the bravado she used to fight the Borg Queen.
"You're right," she conceded. Standing from the desk, she slowly climbed the stairs to the sofa.
Puzzled, Seven followed her. Stopping just a few yards away, she waited in her customary pose, arms behind her back. She stood there waiting for a command as she watched the Captain settle back against the cushions and cross her legs. Growing impatient, she decided to speak.
"Would you at least acknowledge what happened on the surface of Ealora Vars?"
"What exactly should I acknowledge, Seven?" Kathryn inwardly flinched at the harshness in her tone, but she had to do this, no matter how much it was breaking her own heart.
Seven narrowed in sharply at the other woman, aware of exactly what the Captain was doing. "You are a woman of superior intelligence, yet you would have me believe you are oblivious?" she asked incredulously. "Do you require assistance with your vocabulary? Fine, if you choose not to speak of it, then I shall assist you. You and I engaged in sexual relations. Coitus. We copulated. Perhaps you prefer the term making lo…"
Kathryn growled as she forcefully held a hand up to interrupt the former Borg. "No, don't you dare say that," she bit. "What happened down there was a mistake. A HUGE mistake. It never should have happened," she huffed. "Do you understand?" Her eyes hardened as they practically dared the other woman to defy her.
Seven felt her heart twist painfully at the words coming out of the mouth she had come to know so intimately. It was just a few weeks ago that this exact same mouth smiled at her so radiantly, so tenderly…not to mention how that glorious mouth gave her such erotic pleasures, ones she never knew her body was capable of feeling.
"With all due respect, I can confirm that I understand you are being a coward, Captain."
Kathryn was unable to reprimand the woman for talking to her in such a manner, since deep down Seven was right. "I'm going to tell you one last time. It was a mistake. It never should have happened. I should never have allowed it to happen," she said tightly. "In fact, I would very much like you to forget it, forget everything. And we will not speak of this again." She knew she was being cruel towards Seven, when she really had been carrying so much anger and guilt towards herself for acting against the core principles she had based her entire career on.
"Is that a command, or a threat, Captain?" The blonde asked defiantly, her eyes like lasers as she gazed at Janeway with a look that reminded her of the Borg Queen herself.
Janeway hated this, absolutely loathed how this was playing out, but maybe if Seven hated her just a little, then this whole thing could blow over and become a non-issue. Who knows, maybe in time they could even be friends again. Friends? Who are you kidding, you have been distancing yourself from her long before you were stranded. "Take it as you will, but this conversation is over. We will not speak of this again. Understood?"
Seven stood tall, masking how her heart was shattering into a million tiny particles of matter. She inhaled deeply to keep her anxiety at bay, then nodded. "Understood," she responded, her voice neutral. Pivoting to leave, she hesitated. "You can reframe it however suits you, Captain, but I have an eidetic memory. I cannot and I will not ever forget what happened between us."
Janeway flinched at hearing that, and it took all her willpower not to throw herself at Seven's feet and beg for forgiveness. Instead, she shifted her gaze out the viewport.
"You're dismissed," she finally said, her tone cold and calculated. Her eyes remained hard until she heard the door hiss, and then her head fell into her hands. She gathered breath after breath until her chest burned less and less, and the sting of her tears eventually dissipated.
….
Days had passed, and Seven sat alone at her work station, contemplating everything that had happened. She regretted removing the fail-safe device. If she hadn't, then she wouldn't have a broken heart. The pain in her heart was excruciatingly painful, and she absolutely hated this human emotion, so much so that she could better comprehend why the Borg deemed humans to be an inferior species. Oh, how she longed for the time she found human emotions irrelevant.
Seven found herself stranded on another planet, this time with Chakotay, and after they were rescued and returned to the ship, she couldn't help notice the haunted look in the Captain's eyes. It stirred up a mixture of emotions in the former Borg, and she was at a loss in how to label them, much less cope with them.
The hissing of the doors snapped her back to reality, and she uncharacteristically smiled as she greeted her guest. Surprised, she flinched. Smiling was not something she did. Perhaps my damaged myocardium has caused me to malfunction
"Commander, state your purpose." They had been spending more time together as a result of getting to know one another better while stranded. What was it with her getting stuck on planets with superior officers? Of course, Chakotay was not Kathryn, but she had to admit that he was a nice distraction from her emotional pain, and the time they spent having dinner or engaging in something called "small talk" gave her a respite from ruminating on her Captain. Chakotay was polite and kind, and all of a sudden seemed to forget that he ever protested Seven of Nine being allowed to stay aboard Voyager.
"Welllllll," he drawled. "I have something planned, and I was wondering if you would care to join me?"
Seven raised a curious brow. "Oh?" she toyed with him. Her social skills were improving dramatically, despite the methods the doctor used to educate her.
"Is there a relay that requires realigning?" she said with a straight face. "Or does the warp core need recalibrated? If so, I believe that would be the responsibility of Lieutenant Torres."
Chakotay grinned. ", it's neither, so how about you meet me in Cargo Bay 2 after your shift? About 30 minutes?"
Seven couldn't help but smirk, knowing that Chakotay was the one who scheduled the shift rotations. "Fine, I will oblige you, but only because that is where I regenerate," she played.
"See you then," Chakotay beamed.
….
Kathryn had been a mess for the few days Seven was lost to her on that planet with the commander. She had been petrified and irritable, snapping at her crew, demanding they work around the clock to rescue her…. or rather them. She didn't sleep, which only lowered her tolerance for frustration. She had no idea how her mood was affecting others until little Naomi Wildman sought her out to reassure her. "Seven will be back, I just know it. You will rescue her just like you did with the Borg."
Am I that transparent? she thought, as she ran a hand over her face. She was on the verge of tears as her head fell at her desk. "Captain," Tuvok's voice broke out over the con.
Composing herself, she replied quickly. "We have something, report to the bridge."
"On my way."
Time almost stopped for Captain Janeway when she heard that Seven had been beamed back aboard Voyager, safe and sound. She literally ran to the medical bay without even bothering to excuse herself from the bridge. Only to find she couldn't go all the way inside. As soon she heard Seven's voice, she froze just inside the doors. All she could do was stand there and stare at the woman she loved with all her heart. Gathering in a deep breath, her eyes took her all in. The way her hair fell loosely down around her shoulders. The tiredness in her blue eyes. Bio suit dirty. Despite all that, she still took Kathryn's breath away. Like a magnet those same tired eyes sought her out, and Kathryn knew without a doubt she hadn't muttered one word, not moved an inch to indicate she was there.
They locked eyes and Kathryn felt her heart drop into her feet, and she was speechless once more. Just like on that planet. She felt weak and the room grew quiet as more of her crew became aware that she was in the room.
She finally got it together enough to step more into the room. Kathryn quickly averted her gaze to her commander. "Chakotay, glad to see you are still in one piece. I expect you to return to your duty as soon as possible." She told him. She did not speak to the former Borg and kept her gaze off her as well.
"Aye Captain." The Commander said, knowing that Janeway knew he would be back on his feet soon. He knew that she had to worried about them, he could see it in the worried lines that fell around her eyes.
She inhaled and nodded. "I'll be on the bridge." She turned and walked away leaving a perplexed expression on the rest of her crew. They shrugged it off, not noticing the pained expression on Seven's face, since it was masked behind that cold, steel Borg exterior.
….
The tension between her and Seven was killing Kathryn, and she knew she had to repair the hurt she had caused. Finally gathering the courage to face it, she pulled down on her tunic before entering Cargo Bay 2, stopping dead in her tracks at what she saw. Blindsided, it hit her harder than a gale force wind or a torpedo that could blow Voyageur into smithereens. She was overwhelmed with the unexpected sound of Seven's beautiful laugh, it was a laugh that could set her heart and soul on fire. It was a laugh that she had only had the pleasure of hearing it one other time, that magical night on the surface of Ealora Vars.
Her hand went immediately to her heart and she wobbled backwards as quietly as she could, inching to the side just enough to catch a glimpse. She blinked, shocked at what she was witnessing, and it just about brought her to her knees, and not in a good way. Right there, just a few feet away, Seven was sitting on the floor with Chakotay, having what appeared to be a friendly picnic.
Oh, who are you kidding, it's not just a picnic but a date. It's only obvious, look how he is looking at her. I should go over there and….
Nothing, I will do nothing. I have no right…what I did to her was unthinkable and so awful. Besides, look at her. She looks so happy. He makes her laugh.
Ignoring the tears that had sprung up in her eyes, she quietly left, going straight to her quarters to replicate a whiskey. She slammed it back, then replicated two more. Seven had moved on, and this was all her fault. Intrusive, unwanted thoughts looped in her head, and she was going to need more than three drinks to make them disappear, but in spite of her best efforts, torturous images flashed before her eyes, Chakotay kissing Seven, his rough hands sliding down a naked, silky back, his….his…Unable to finish the thought, Janeway felt a wave of nausea consume her and spent the next couple of hours replicating drink after drink until the images disappeared when she finally passed out.
…..
The next few days turned into weeks, and Seven was grateful to stay busy with her duties, as well as helping the doctor and spending more time with Chakotay. It kept her mind off thinking about the Captain. She had managed to avoid the woman who had shattered her heart, addressing her only as her duties required.
Seven found herself headed to the medical bay to face Janeway. She was going to have to face two Janeways, since Kathryn from the future had recently made an appearance. The older Janeway's appearance had set the crew abuzz, and all Seven knew was that she had come aboard with a mission and promise to bring them all home. Home…it was an unfamiliar concept to Seven, as Voyager had been the only home she had ever known. Her hard Borg exterior effectively masked the unease she felt inside, wondering what a future on Earth would look like for her.
Since leaving the Captain's ready room that day, Seven had done such a masterful job of distracting herself and avoiding thinking about what had happened on that planet. However, as soon as she laid eyes on the older version of the woman she loved, it all came washing over her again, like it had just happened. Her eyes met the older Kathryn's, and she felt a shiver up her spine as she tried to discern what she saw in the Admiral's eyes. It was difficult to ascertain if she hated her or wanted to devour her, but it almost looked like the older Janeway had just seen a ghost.
Swallowing the lump that had crept into her throat, she once again longed to be a drone so she didn't have to experience these human emotions. Hesitating briefly, she willed herself to maintain a professional demeanor in spite of how unnerving and heartbreaking this whole thing was. I am Borg, she told herself, then squared her shoulders as she tried to walk by the Admiral.
"Hello, Seven," the older woman greeted, and Seven could not help but look at her…. really look at her. This Janeway was indeed older, but she was just as beautiful as Seven's Janeway…. Captain Janeway! There was something distinctly different about this woman, something in her eyes, and she had no frame of reference to identify exactly what that was.
She managed a polite nod towards the older Janeway as she handed her PADD to the Captain. "The technology on the Admiral's ship is impressive. Much of it appears to have been designed to defend against the Borg," she informed.
Captain Janeway had not interacted much with Seven lately and being this close to her right now was tearing her up inside. It took every ounce of willpower to maintain her professionalism. "Could we install these systems on Voyager?" she asked, her voice strained.
"The stealth technology is incompatible, but I believe we can adapt the armor and weapons."
Their breaths mingled, as did their gazes. This was the closest they had been physically since the planet, and the energy between them was palpable.
"Well, Captain?" the Admiral interrupted the quietness between them, causing both women to immediately take a step back.
Breaking out of her resolve the Captain handed the PADD carefully back to Seven, making sure she didn't touch her. "Do it"
…
Once again, the Borg Queen attempted to interfere with Seven during her regeneration cycle. As much as she didn't want Kathryn to know, it was necessary for the doctor to relay this critical information to the Captain. Now she was in sickbay, surrounded by both Janeways. It was making her head hurt, which was unusual given her new cortical node.
Later, back in the comfort of her work station, she glanced up at the Commander as he approached her, a concerned look on his face.
"I heard what happened. Are you all right?" Chakotay asked, moving as close as he could to the blonde.
"I am adequate," she answered.
"Because if you need time to rest, I am in charge of the duty roster."
A soft smile graced her features. He had been very kind to her since they had become close. They had kissed, and she had to admit that although it was nice, her physiological response to him was neutral, not at all comparable to what a simple touch from Kathryn would trigger in her autonomic nervous system. "It would be inappropriate to allow our personal relationship to impact your command decisions."
The Commander playfully cleared his throat. "You're right. This is a time to keep things professional. Report."
Seven could do professional. After all, she had plenty of practice ignoring the ache inside of her every time the Captain walked into the room. "There is no sign of Borg activity within a ten light year radius."
"That's good news."
"Yes, Commander. However, it would be unwise to underestimate the Collective," she reminded.
"The Admiral seems confident we can make it past them," he pointed out.
"Captain," she almost faltered just saying her name. "Janeway is more prudent to be cautious."
Chakotay's voice softened. "Our chances would be good with one Kathryn Janeway on the bridge, but with two, I'd bet on this ship any day. If we do make it back to Earth, what are your plans?"
She could not disagree with his assessment about Janeway, but she would not voice it. As for returning to Earth, she had no idea what she was going to do. Although she was born there, it was foreign to her. Her anxiety about returning to the Alpha Quadrant had only increased as it became more and more of a reality. She felt lost and confused, and they weren't even there yet.
At one point she had dreamed about going home…home with Kathryn to Indiana, where she would finally get to meet Gretchen and Phoebe. That would never happen, it was no longer even an option for her. Inhaling deeply, she tried to keep the shakiness out of her voice.
"I assume Starfleet Command will want to debrief me upon our arrival," she told him. "I suppose I will attempt to secure a useful position somewhere. How about you?"
The look in his eyes was so kind, so loving and tender, and it was one she wished she still saw when Kathryn looked at her. She had seen it before when she and Kathryn had that magical night on the planet, but since they returned, those blue grey eyes only looked at her with contempt and coldness.
"I'm not sure where I will end up," he answered. "But wherever it is, I'm going to make sure I'm within transporter range of you," he said with a smile.
….
"Find a way to destroy that hub," Kathryn ordered, then glared at the Admiral. "Let's take a walk," she commanded.
Kathryn was all fired up with all the nonsense with the trans warp hub and felt like she was just going through the motions of arguing with this imposter, until she heard the words that rocked her to her very core.
"Seven of Nine is going to die."
"What?" she managed to squeak out, her eyes stinging with unshed tears.
"Three years from now. She'll be injured on an away mission. She'll make it back to Voyager and die in the arms of her husband."
No no no no….tell me I heard that wrong. "Her husband?" She felt the bile in the back of her throat just from saying those words.
"Chakotay. He'll never be the same after Seven's death, and neither will you."
It was too much. She couldn't deal with this, any of this. She inhaled a shaky breath, wondering if this was all just a bad dream that she could wake up from and find out none if it was real. Her stomach twisted in knots as it became more and more apparent that this was not a horrific nightmare. "If I know what is going to happen, then I can prevent it," she said sternly.
The Admiral continued to talk, but Janeway had a hard time focusing on what she was saying. Something about Tuvok, but all she could think about was Seven dying in Chakotay's arms.
….
Admiral Janeway found her way to Cargo Bay 2. She was on a mission, but not getting anywhere. "I have known you for a long time, Seven. Longer than you've known yourself. You are thinking that collapsing the network is an opportunity to atone for atrocities you participated in while you were a drone. It's time to let go of the past and start thinking about your future."
Seven's brow furrowed and she turned on the older woman. She only had one thing on her mind, and it had nothing to do with them getting home. "May I ask you a question?"
"Of course, Seven, what is it?"
"Think back to when we arrived to Chillion space, the FV sector, we went by it after the Q2 came on board. Do you recall any of that?"
Her brow furrowed as if deep in thought. "That was a long time ago."
"Not so long for me."
That drew a smile from the Admiral. "Yes, I believe I do. What about it?"
"Really?" Seven absorbed this. "Do you recall you and I getting stranded on a planet together?"
The Admiral thought back to that point in her life once more, but eventually shook her head "No, we went around that sector of space if I recall, something about an Ion storm. Why do you ask?"
Seven contemplated that, trying to determine if she was being truthful or if she was avoiding, but the look in this woman's eyes was not the same as the Captain's. "Because we did not go around; we landed on the surface of that planet."
"Okay," the Admiral drawled. "Do you want to tell me what happened, Seven?"
Seven contemplated telling her all of it…. how she had made love to her Kathryn until the rise of the three red suns began to drift above their naked bodies. How she loved Kathryn, given herself to her, and how much it broke her to hear the other woman tell her it was a mistake. She exhaled a long breath. What would be the point? She had been ordered to never speak of it, and she would comply.
"No, it is nothing relevant to our mission. I was just curious. I should resume my work."
The Admiral sighed, but before she left, she tried again. "You have friends, here. Voyager is your family. They love you. Imagine the impact your death would have on them," she told her, then exited the cargo bay.
Seven watched her leave then went back to work. There was only one person that Seven cared about, and she couldn't help but wonder if Captain Janeway would even care if she died.