Elmer Fudd did not want to leave his house.
He wasn't entirely sure exactly WHEN he decided he didn't want to leave, he just knew that now he didn't. After all it was much safer staying inside than going outside.
It worked for about two days [which was pretty good going to be honest] until Elmyra called:
"Are you okay?" She asked.
"Yes fine." [He's not. It's a lie]
"It's just Monty-Wonty says he hasn't seen you recently…"
'Monty-Wonty' lives two streets away, Elmer pointed out. How would he even see him anyway?
Elmyra says that's a point. She takes a breath like she's going to ask something else, but Elmer gets in first and asks her if she's seen Rhoda recently. The question about her 'best friend' [Elmer has concerns about that part] seems to cheer her up and she happily talks to him for forty-five minutes about Rhoda's new hairstyle, Rhoda's new dress, Rhoda's new car…
He's sorry he asked.
Eventually she hangs up and he gets back to his life. Not that there's very much of that happening at the moment.
The next toon is Porky. Good old Porky Pig.
"S-so E-elmer, are you c-, are you com-, are you com- heading over any time soon?"
Elmer rolls his eyes, thankful that Porky can't see him and fibs. "Sowwy Powky, but I've been so busy wecentwy-"
"R-really? Because E-elmyra mentioned to H-Ha-Hampton that you hadn't been – hadn't been up – hadn't been doing anything recently."
Damn Elmyra.
"S-she said she's worried about you, Elmer."
DAMN Elmyra.
He laughed. "Oh, don't wowwy, I'm fine. Why wouwdn't I be?"
A beat and then a serious. "T-that's what I'm try to f- to fi – to fin – to suss out."
Oh, you've got to be kidding. Now Elmyra's setting spies on him! And one of his oldest friends at that! She might as well have set Bugs on him and called it a day!
"…E-elmer are you there?"
He slams the phone down on him and lets out a frustrated groan. Why can't the world just leave him alone?
He get's his wish for another three days. By that point he's nearly run out of food, he's grown a long grey beard and his eyes are tired. He just wants to sleep…
Knock knock.
Oh, you have GOT to be kidding!
He brings his knees in tight to his chest and waits. If he waits long enough the toon will get bored and go away-
"Elmer, are ya dere?"
Unless it's Bugs Bunny. Damn. Damn, damn, damn. Well, it could be worse. It could be-
"Yoo-hooo! Old Fuddsthey! Fuddsthey-Pal!"
Never mind.
"I'm not home!" He yells before he could stop himself.
There was a silence that was just long enough for Fudd to kid himself that they had actually listened to him for once and were going away again. Leaving him to…whatever this was-
A rattle of the door-handle rid him off that notion. "C'mon Fuddsey, let us in!" Bugs called.
He stuck his fingers in his ears and willed them to go away. Maybe if he concentrated really hard…made a wish like that stupid Disney song. How did it go again? When you wish-
A hand landed gently on his shoulder. Elmer screeched and shot into the air, going head-first through the ceiling. He blinked groggily, looking around the room. Where was he? It was dark. He didn't like it.
"Oh well done, Bugsth! Now we're gonna have to pay the renovation fee!"
A spider crawled towards him. Elmer hated spiders.
"GET ME DOWN FROM HEWE!"
There was a pause. Elmer could hear vague mumblings coming from underneath him.
The spider was getting closer.
"NOW!" He screeched.
Two sets of hands grabbed his ankles and pulled. Hard.
Elmer came back through the ceiling – taking more of the plaster with him – and landed on the cold hard floor. He blinked and looked up and Bugs and Daffy who were looking at him with expressions he couldn't quite identify.
Daffy got a file and quickly did his nails, while snarking. "You know you could have said pleaseth"
Elmer burst into tears.
He wasn't sure how long he spent crying, but the next thing he knew a tissue was being pressed into his nose and he heard a soft. "Here. Blow."
He blew. The tissue was taken away from him and he heard a:
"Eew, grosth." Followed by the bin opening then shutting.
He gave a little laugh.
"So…" Said a voice he now recognised to be Bugs. "Not to be corny or anything but…what's up Doc?"
Another little laugh that turned into a bigger laugh, that turned into a slightly hysterical laugh-
SLAP
Daffy had hit him.
He'd always been sensible in a crisis.
"…Thanks."
"No problem." Bugs edged closer, sitting next to him, looking at him warily, like one might to a wounded animal.
How ironic.
"…So? What's up?"
Elmer opened his mouth, then closed it again. He closed his eyes, trying to think, trying to put the words in some sort of order.
Bugs and Daffy patiently waited.
After quite a long while Elmer croaked. "I-I don't know…"
"You don't know!?" Daffy echoed. "We waited two lines for that!? What a rip-off!"
"Daff-" Bugs said and his tone was sharp.
Elmer licked his lips. "I don't know what I'm meant to say…"
"Why have ya not been going outside for the past few weeks?" Bugs asked.
He shrugged.
"Okay, why have ya been avoidin' people for the past few weeks?"
He shrugged.
"Okay, why have you been avoiding ELMYRA of all toons for the past few weeks?"
He shrugged.
Bugs threw his hands in the air. "Are ya gonna do anythin' but shrug!?"
He shrugged.
Bugs leaned forward – probably trying to strangle him – but Daffy suddenly appears in-between them, holding his arms out to separate them.
"Okay." He says. "Letsh jush cut to the good stuff, because I want my lunch. What are you scared off?"
Elmer opens his mouth. He closes it again.
What is he scared of? When did this start? He doesn't know.
"…I don't know." He whispers.
"I don't know." He said again, slightly louder.
"I don't know!" He yells.
A hand was flung across his mouth. "We heard ya the foirst time, Doc, sheesh…" Bugs says, while cleaning out his ear.
Daffy nodded slowly. "Okey. Letsh shee what you're working with here…" He got up, headed to Elmer's cupboards and riffled through them. "Lame, lame, lame…" He said, throwing tins over his shoulder. "What? Is that it!? Where's the good stuff? The bread? The milk? The clam-juice?"
Clam-juice?
"This won't do." The next thing he's aware of, he's being pulled to his feet. "C'mon Fuddsey. We're going shopping."
Elmer stops immediately. Clings to the door-handle. "What? In a maww?"
Daffy rolls his eyes. "No. In a china shop. Yesh! A mall! C'mon!"
"No! No! I can – I can't! T-thewe's toons thewe! A-anything could happen!"
"Anything can happen anywhere." Bugs said, logically. "That's part of the thing about being anywhere, stuff tends to happen-"
"-But not inside." Elmer says, desperately. "Things don't happen inside!"
Bugs and Daffy looked at each other.
"Elmer, are you scared about going outside?" Bugs asks.
"No! Er…yes, but no. I-I can't expwain -but pwease. Pwease don't make me. Pwease…"
Another pause. The Bugs gently, cautiously puts his arms round him and gives him a hug. "Maybe not the mall." He says, softly. "Not for the foist outing. How about de end of the street? We'll walk there and back again. Ten minutes tops. Have you been out anywhere lately?"
"J-just the back gawden and the end of the dwiveway…"
Bugs nodded. "Think you can manage the end of the street? We'll walk there and back with you. Five minutes tops."
Five minutes. He should be able to manage five minutes, surely?
Daffy opens the door.
Elmer steps, gingerly, to the step. The world looks so far away. He feels sick.
A hand on his shoulder. "We'll walk with you." Bugs says, again.
He nods, unable to speak properly.
"One step at a time. C'mon, step down…"
With some coaxing he manages to make the end of the driveway.
Daffy looks at his watch. "Well, that took a minute and a half." He said.
Bugs glared. "That's fine." He said.
"FINE!? How is that 'fine'!?"
Bugs growls softly. "One moment Elmer…" He grabs Daffy's arm and hisses something in his ear.
Daffy nods and runs off.
"W-whewe's he going?"
"He's gone to the mall to get some food for you."
That's very nice of Daffy. He must do something to repay him. Something he'd appreciate. That's it! He wouldn't shoot him for a whole week! That'd be good…
"Well Doc? Are we going?"
Elmer looked at the tarmac, swallowed, and stepped onto it.
It didn't swallow him up. Lightning did not strike him. He did not collapse.
He took a few steps with Bugs towards the end of the street.
Bugs talks with him about what some of the other looney tunes have been up to. Some of it he knew. The other 95 percent he didn't.
"I'm back!" Daffy skids to a halt in front of them. "They were out of clam juice, but I managed to get some milk and bread and some other stuff as well. Do you like chilli?"
"Er…"
"Never mind, I'll give it to Speedy. Well. Here you go." Daffy dumps the stuff in his arms. "That'll be 128 dollars 38 cents. I'll take a cheque."
Elmer staggers with the stuff. "Suppose we better get back then…" He said, trying not to sound to relieved.
Bugs nodded. "Yeah. Besides. It was five minutes five minutes ago. Congratulations Elmer – you did double time."
Elmer blinked. "Did I?"
"Yeah, ya did. I didn't tell ya 'cos I wanted ta see if you'd notice. But yeah. We could do this again next week, if you'd like?"
Elmer opened his mouth ready to say no. Then he closed it again. This outing had been quite nice after all and he did like spending time with Bugs and Daffy – when they weren't being annoying…
"Elmer?"
"…Yes. I think I'd wike that."