Hey everyone. MAJOR MAJOR Apologies for being so late with this part I never imagined I would be so late. The only excuse I have was that I found a boyfriend and was having such a wonderful time that couldn't properly write the emotional turmoil correctly and was waiting for the right time to come back to it. We just broke up and work sucks so here is my turmoil once more. I'm still looking for work using my degree and crazy times here in Texas so far. I meant to get this out way sooner, but I have been having a hard time finding the time. Not to mention no internet – Yay! You guys keep me going so please review! AND AGAIN I'M SO SORRY!
Anyway! Thank you to everyone who favorited and followed! And a special thank you to reviewers. Every kind word is appreciated – and constructive criticism is welcome.
angel897, Guest(3)– Thank you for the kind words and I hope you like this part!
Guest (1) – What? What?
Guest (2) – I definitely understand not reading stories until their finished because sometimes they never finish, but I swear I will. I hope this update will satisfy you until the next one.
HorrorFan13 – While Tahna does have her own way of handling things I think the ponies are just safer in general. I don't think the goblins would have been kind. Also I am a major horror fan as well so thumbs up to you!
dragonegyptianblue – I'm glad that you loved it so much! I wish I had more to give, but this will have to do for now.
lilly042004 – So happy you love the story, but be sure to put lecture first; classes are always important, especially if you're paying for them.
Sexxy Vampire 16 – Tahna grabbed it. It was very quick, but she still has it on her belt. I hope you like this next part.
nemesisswan – To each their own. I'm sorry the perspective I chose didn't grab you, but hopefully you find something that does.
Jinx1223 – I'm so glad you took the time to read it. The first person perspective is a challenge I wanted to try. It's easy to do it in third person and second person is a little weird when using an OC (personally). I did have another reviewer tell me they were disappointed in the first person and would have read it otherwise, but I'm glad you tried it and liked it. Also I think most writers will agree with me when we want to include more Thorin, but there is an overwhelming fear of getting his personality and reactions wrong. Thank you for the love and I hope you like this part.
Megankittypooka – All really good questions you have and you might be surprised (possibly disappointed, but I hope not) by the answers. Just keep reading.
I've decided to do a story recommendations corner for my lovely friends here on FF. Since you're here for Thorin/OC I will only recommend those unless otherwise requested. I have actually run out of incompletes that have updated within the past two years so you're gonna be getting more completes instead!
Sajira: An Unexpected Guest. *Complete*
Lithuenne: Healing Hearts. (Both parts) *Complete*
TalvariSheElf: A Change of Fates. *Complete*
"It's going to be tonight, Tahna," my father said. I was silent, but followed him anyway.
My mother finally reached the end of her pregnancy, carrying the monster's baby these months of waiting. They way we could tell there was something amiss was the strange panic that had briefly erupted amongst the guards in her hall. Upon following we overheard a conversation, discovering my mother had gone into labor. Once the orcs found out what ailed my mother they resumed their natural patrols with one less guard, as one had been sent to find Azog.
Now my father would put his plan into action. He has been putting small amounts of blasting jelly throughout the lower levels of Gundabad since our arrival. It would badly decimate some of their stores and destroy certain halls altogether. It wouldn't hurt the overall structure of the stronghold, but that is fine; it's only a distraction we are looking for. My father has also been creating fake trails for the orcs to hunt while we ran in the other direction. Today we would find out if it really worked.
Even now I'm waiting outside my mother's prison; listening to her scream from the birthing pains. I didn't think much of it, but the muffled screaming didn't bother me as much as i should have. I hide in a darkened arch watching the guard shuffle around the door. Azog has yet to appear, but it wouldn't be too much longer now.
Even now my father is putting smaller distractions into action. It should be enough to call the rest of the guards away so I could slip in. As if by simply thinking it, two other orcs appeared talking about a squabble in the one of the practice yards. According to them four are already dead and if they wait too long the fight would have more severe casualties.
The orc standing at the door opened it and barked a command, bringing out another orcs from inside the room; there should only be one more inside. I waited until they were at the end of the hall before approaching the door. It is already open slightly so I look through the crack. I watched with baited breath as Azog's most trustworthy orc guards my mother. Each time he isn't looking I open the door a little more until I could slip in. When I did, I manage to crawl underneath a table that provided me with cover using my mother's…blanket I think. The first scream from my mother, not muffled by the stone walls, nearly makes me yelp; sometimes I hear it in my dream and it wakes me up when I'm on the road.
I don't think she saw me enter the room. Her eyes are squeezed shut; I don't think she was looking at anything really. I can see a small smear of blood between her legs along with a few other unnamable substances. She is very clearly in pain, but I have nothing I can do to stop it or ease it. So I remain still, my gut clenched the entire time and the anxiety causes me to shake. This went on for some hours; the orc just paced or nibbled at the plate of food that had been meant for Nirassi while she struggled hopelessly. Azog didn't appear for some time and when he did…
He stands over her, watching her writhe and gasp in pain, before kneeling down and touching her face as if it were meant to be tender. "Narnulubat," he whispered. The word is presented kindly, even his body indicates he means no harm, but everything within me is telling me something different. He's lying, he's going to-
He brings his other hand, a blade, to her belly and with one scream it is over. I almost scream as well, but I cover my mouth. I can't watch as the blood streams from my mother so I close my eyes. Tears flow past my eyelids before I can stop them. This has all been for nothing. Azog has beaten us once again; taken what little hope we had and cut it down. I could hear the squelching as he opens her up and pulls the twins out. I didn't even know there were two until he said something; all is silent for a moment and then they began wailing.
"Brusizg krul baur," says the orc proudly. "…Bolg…Gijak…" I finally manage to look at the two things he is holding. It's hard to believe that my mother was able to hold both of them, given how large they are. There is a chance she may not have survived the birth without Azog's interference, but now I would never know. With that he turns to leave and show off his new spawn to his followers, but before he leaves the other orc asks him:
"Paashizgu ha to?" At first I thought nothing could be worse than this, but then his words make my gut tighten further. Now there is a knot settled in the top of my stomach and I'm doing everything within my power to stop myself from vomiting.
The great orc pauses, giving my mother some thought. Only a few seconds pass, "Tala maturz. Skaatlatu!"
With that they leave the room for my mother to die alone, if she is not dead already. It's only when I can no longer hear them that I leave my hidden spot. My mother lies in a pool of her own blood and at first I do not think she can possibly be alive. Then her eyes flutter. I grab the blanket from the table and try to put pressure on her abdomen to stem the flow of the blood.
"Hold on, mother," I tell her, "Father will be here soon. We will leave this place."
At my words she opens her eyes and they land on me. I can see exhaustion and pain, but I wasn't ready for the anger and hatred in her eyes. Did she think I was an orc?
"You…are so…weak…Tahna," she says. My heart clenches as she says those words. "You are…pathetic. Instead of sparing me…the pain and shame…of carrying those little…beasts you've made me suffer…" She pauses only to catch her breath. "I regret the day you were conceived…I should have never let your father…convince me. I hope both of you…will feel some measure of torment…that I have experienced."
I can't find the words and even if I could my throat has closed up and they would be impossible. I knew she had violently disagreed with the choice my father made to wait the situation out, but I didn't think she would be cruel about it. I ignore the burning in my eyes and try to work around it. I know that my mother's death is inevitable, but I couldn't let it end like this. I grip my mother's ankles hoping that it would be less painful for her until my father could return to carry her. However, with one pull she shouts and I know this won't work. I stop entirely – and try to quiet her, but she shouts.
"IF YOU WILL NOT KILL ME AND SPARE ME MY OWN DESECRATION…THEN LEAVE ME ALONE!"
I struggle both with my wild emotions and trying to reasonably figure out what to do. My mother's words sting like barbs and I could feel my heart breaking into pieces, but I try to hold it together. I'm not sure what to do, but I won't leave my mother like this; I wish my father was here. This isn't going to plan…
I look over at my mother because, despite her words, my inexperience and fear drives me to seek out adult instruction. But I can see that she has passed out from the blood loss and pain once more. Panic and unease roll through me continuously with one thought after another. They are going to eat her though…I look around trying to find something, anything. There is nothing…there is nothing I can do. I can't wait for father they will be back in a minute – what can I do? The cycle of my thoughts repeats itself and I begin to sob. What should I do?
I know mother will not survive this…but should I give up? Should I just give in? I glance back at her, still unconscious, and then at my knife. I can't save her now, and I realize that our attempt had been futile. I knew this wasn't going to end well, but this is hardly what I had been expecting. I have a choice to make and if it's what she really wanted…I crawl over to her and try to put my small knife in her hand. I feel my heart clenching painfully in my chest. She can do it if she wanted, right?
"Mother?" I say trying to wake her. "Mother, here. I have a knife. You can use it if you want."
Her chest is still rising and falling, but it is becoming shallower with each second. She's not waking; so I try to shake her, but it only releases a groan from her throat. I tense when I hear a commotion at the end of the hall. They were coming for her, they are going to eat her alive. I couldn't leave her like this…
"Mother?" I whisper loudly. When she doesn't respond and the noise sounds again. I felt hot tears streaming down my face. With a shaking hand I pick up the knife and I look back down at my mother one more time. "Mama?"
Again there is nothing and her breathing becomes even shallower. So I turn her head to the back of her head is facing me. I know that a wound there makes death quick and painless; father explained this to me when he killed orcs so they wouldn't make a noise. A loud sob forces its way out of my throat as I try to stop my hands from trembling. I wrap my hand around the knife and swallow the lump in my throat. Another sound down the hall causes me to react and I plunge the knife into the back of my mother's neck. For a moment I didn't think I did it; my hands were so numb from the cold. She never wakes up or tries to say anything more; there is just a momentary gurgle in the back of her throat and all of her movement stops altogether. She has mostly bled out, but some drips onto my hands.
I could feel it in the back of my throat – the scream, but it wouldn't come out. I know there is still danger all around me, but the emotions are overwhelming. The sound that moved me to end her pain has silenced and when it doesn't sound again, I release a wail from my throat; the tears pouring down my face. Everything felt wrong, everything was wrong. My mother is dead; we failed and I killed her. I spared her the pain of possibly being eaten alive, but she still suffered from the choice my father and I made. For months she wished for us to end it, but we let it come to this.
My father doesn't even know. How could I face him? How could I tell him? I didn't cling to my mother's body though I sorely wish for comfort of some kind, but would receive none. I just sit there for a moment before my mind took off. Now the monsters would come back and eat her. An image enters my mind of Azog tearing the flesh off my mother's arm like his warg. I couldn't let that happen. So in another fit of panic I grip the pallet and drag my mother towards the open fire. The strength it took must have come from my fear…it does take a couple tries and some minor burns before I manage to push her on top of the fire.
I pause as the light of the fire creates a glowing halo back behind her head. It surprisingly reminds me of when she sat near the fire in our house on cold, winter nights. She always had intense focus on whatever it was she worked on: sewing, cooking, reading – everything. Right now she almost appears to be sleeping. It makes me cry harder, but a shaking in the floor draws me from my haze. My father just set off his explosives - it's time to go. I don't look back; my mother was gone, but the weight has settled in my heart.
I navigate the halls quickly trying to make it to a small unused hall on the back side of the fortress. We had been storing supplies there for our journey back. We would go as far as east would allow before heading south; heading west this far north would only spell trouble from the Witch King's old fortress. My father thought we could make it to Esgaroth within a week's time. I can hear screeching and shouts amongst the orcs and goblins as they scramble to find out what had happened. It is easy to slip past them now that everything is in chaos – in this regard my father's plan has worked well, but Azog would quickly realize there had been intruders. Father has made a couple dummy trails, one going south and another going west; he had been refreshing them while I went to get my mother.
Before long I reach the hall; the doorway is open to the light of the day and the reflective brightness of the snow. I reach the doorway, but there is no sign of my father. For a moment I stand in the doorway, confused. Then an arm reaches out – on instinct I grab the arm, planning to plunge my knife into their throat. However, my father stops me. He looks at me with a pleading look in his eyes, then behind me. I can't say it; the weight of it hangs on my shoulders. When he looks back at me I communicate with just a shake of my head and the tears on my cheeks. She's not there and she won't be coming with us. Father's eyes harden and his hand releases me. He won't look at me as he turns away. He walks away and leaves me standing there…He won't tell me what to do and he won't say anything. It's almost like mother…
"Papa?" I croak as I try to follow after him.
He doesn't respond, but stops without looking at me. A moment passes where nothing is said or done; I see the blood on my hands and with nothing else to do, I try to wipe it away with the snow. It partly works, leaving some pink pieces of snow against the rest of the untouched snow. The snow burns my hands and I lose feeling in my fingers. I look up to see Kalar still hasn't moved. I try walking up to him and grab his arm.
"Pa-"
He grabs my arm suddenly and says, "Move!" He says it with no real emotion; no fear or sadness. He doesn't look even look my way; I remember running for several minutes, looking up at him and hoping that he would look back at me at least, but he never did. I knew then that I had lost him forever; he probably knew without words what had happened and he couldn't even look at me. I gave up after a while and shifted my gaze forward so we could continue on. However, I caught his eyes once when scaling down a small hillside. His eyes are distant, no longer there; even though his eyes met mine, they did not change. I knew that he no longer had the will to live and my mother's death has broken him. Despite the dead look on his face, he didn't actually die until several hours later.
Azog caught up with us even with my father's distractions; when the horns sound my father hid me in a stone outcropping. It was tall enough that orcs would have had to climb to find me and it was relatively filled with snow to act as my camouflage. After he hid me away my father resumed running his course without a word to me. Perhaps he was running in hopes of leading them away, but that's just what I told myself. Several minutes later, they came sniffing around to pick up the scent before following after him; I remained silent and hidden. All was silent after their departure, but not an hour passed before the hunting horn sounded and on their return I saw Azog carrying Kalar's head back to Gundabad. His eyes were open and they looked just as dead as I had seen them before.
I remember crying on that ledge for what felt like hours, but it was probably only minutes. I had a hard time climbing down from my hiding place, especially from how numb my body became being curled up in the snow. I just remember landing in the snow, being cold, and trying to head in the direction my father had told me. I had never felt more alone than I did then. I didn't get far – maybe an hour or two, but the day was long and the stress made me oblivious to the world around me. I missed the crack in the ice…
I can no longer see properly, the world around me is nothing more than a bright and colorful blur. The tears are stinging as they travel down my cheeks. My throat has closed itself, unable to say anything more; not even to ask for Thorin's thoughts. My heart is once more lighter from the removal of the weight of these events, but it aches fiercely. There was a day during ranger training I broke my arm…if I could take the pain of the break and concentrate it that would be how I feel in my heart. It is not as raw as it once was, but even now it causes me great pain.
I move my legs into me, I'm getting ready to fold in on myself; to hold myself until the emotions pass, but a large hand stops me. I look at it resting against my knee, holding it away from my other leg. I follow it back to Thorin, who also appears to be a blurry figure. However, amongst the dark of his hair and the tan of his face, I manage to find his bright blue eyes. I couldn't truly see them, but I knew they were looking back at me. When his hand moves away from my knee and offers it up to me – I react without hesitation.
I grab his arm and pull him into me. My hands are trapped between his outer coat and this chainmail. I press my face into his chest and allow myself to weep. He sits with his knees between my legs. His arms are not long, but the largeness of them this close manages to wrap around my smaller torso with ease. I press my face in his chest, despite the unyielding nature of his armor.
Despite the time we spent in the sunlight, his armor feels cool against the heat in my cheeks and the hotness of my tears. I allow myself to cry and remain tucked against his chest. My height makes the angle a little awkward, but I refuse to move. There is a comfort in the solidness of his form; each of my encounters with the pale monster had taken something important from me, but this time all were spared. I confess it had all been luck, but I cannot deny that it is the best outcome I have ever received when facing the Defiler.
His form is a little stiff; I can feel it in his abdomen and arms tightening slightly. Perhaps he is unaccustomed to providing such comfort, but he is a comfort all the same. I could hear him say something, but he is so quiet I wonder if I heard him at all. Then he says it again – something in Khuzdul. I can hear from his tone it is mean to be consoling even if I cannot tell what he is saying. His soothing tone only makes me cry harder. I feel ridiculous, as though I were a child once more. Despite my shame, Thorin only holds me a little tighter and I allow myself a few more moments of selfish indulgence.
"I think she's cryin'," says Kili as he leans even closer to the window. "We should go out there and make sure she's alright."
All of the company, Bilbo included, was quite surprised to see Dwalin's return without the presence of Thorin and Tahna. As such the company sought a vantage point to watch the pair with the exception of Gandalf who decides to wander off on his own. Dwalin had warned them that they wished to speak privately, but leave it to the Company of Thorin Oakenshield to ignore any advice that may leave them without satisfaction of tempered curiosity. Luckily for them the pair chose to sit in view of a round window so they could watch with ease. Unfortunately for them, they couldn't hear what was said.
They quickly realized before long that most of what came to pass was talking. Many gave up after the first few minutes of Tahna's words, but Fili and Kili continue to watch diligently. Upon asking, they had explained to Bilbo that it is important they looked out for their sister as all dwarves cared deeply for their female relatives. It made the hobbit happy to see that her race didn't lessen her importance to the boys and gave him hope that his friendship with the dwarves would also be as cherished as it continues to grow. However, it didn't escape Bilbo's notice that Balin watches the princes with a grim expression on his face. It baffles the hobbit; after the praise and favoritism the elder dwarf had shown towards her it is a curious change in personality. Ever since she confessed her true self to them he has been behaving outlandishly.
Not wanting to pry Bilbo decides to invest his time in watching the others entertain themselves with music and the chess board on one side of the room. From time to time, he looks outside the window to catch a glimpse of the pair to see how they fared. At the time Kili spoke he notices Thorin is no longer sharpening his sword and watches their ranger with a look that could only be empathetic. Tahna appears tense as she begins to close up on herself, but she is stopped when Thorin pulls her towards him instead.
"Leave em be," says Dwalin. "They wanted to be left alone and unless you want to face your uncle's wrath you'll do as you're told." Some of the others move back towards the glass and survey them with keen interest, but none make a comment and keep their thoughts to themselves.
Kili has an indignant look on his face and from the way he turns towards Dwalin, all knew he would say something he would regret. Luckily, Fili cut in before his brother could make any such remark.
"Uncle is with her, Kee," says the elder brother in hopes of tempering Kili, "He will take care of her. Izlik iklaladran. If anyone can look after her, it's him." At that Kili becomes more quiet and contemplative, gradually accepts his brother's advice. Looking around, Bilbo could see on the faces of the company that they have become somewhat sullen; what could Fili have said in Khuzdul to garner such a reaction? As far as he knew nothing sounded strange about what said, but it clearly held some private significance to the dwarrow.
Seeing the pair together like this, Bilbo couldn't help, but think about how their relationship has changed throughout the course of the journey. Thorin has always been drawn to the ranger; that's always been obvious - even as far back as Bree in Bilbo's opinion. However, in recent days it has become far more close and intimate. Since they had escaped the goblins and orcs he had been more physical with her; helping her walk, settling near her when she slept, and ensuring she ate full meals to regain her strength. Initially, he kept his distance with one eye on her at all times. The hobbit is sure that the others are aware of it, but no one has said anything aloud as of yet. The only reason Bilbo hasn't brought it up yet is because of his manners, but he really is quite curious.
Kili resumes his vigil over the pair in the garden, but Fili leaves to rummage through a small satchel he managed to preserve during the escapades in the goblin tunnels. He finds whatever it is he is looking for; something so small that Bilbo cannot even see it in Fili's large hands. The hobbit manages to catch a glimpse of it when he holds it out to Kili. It's a small bead; the metal is silver in appearance. A second object falls delicately into Kili's hand and with a small wave of his hand, he calls Gloin over for assistance. Now Bilbo can't help himself…
"What are those?"
Gloin looks up from the boys, who don't even look away from their work to answer Bilbo.
"These are hair beads; it's a common practice among our people to gift them to those we hold dear. Every time a child is born into a family of dwarves it is important for the parents to provide them with a set of beads that show their family's love, affection, and acceptance. They are meant to be a symbol of comfort, fortitude, and belonging." Gloin's focus returns to overseeing the boys work, but continues explaining. "The boys are set on making some for the ranger…even if they aren't entirely proper."
At that Kili speaks up, "Waiting until we reach the mountain will take too long," he snaps. A couple dwarves chuckled at the prince's impatient tone, but no one made a comment. He passes a silent glare to those that laughed, but silently returns to his work. While it is a valid explanation, Bilbo is still intrigued.
"I'm no metal smith or jeweler, but what's wrong with the ones the boys are making? They look lovely and I know Tahna will love them," spurs the hobbit. The boys look up then, giving the burglar a prideful smile; they are glad that he thought the beads were beautiful and that their sister would love them.
Fili explains, "It's not that the beads are bad, but it's just the makeup of the beads that is considered improper for a first time set." He motions Bilbo over so he can see the piece more clearly. "The metal we're using is steel, it's a common metal and easy to shape, but the proper metal for these would be silver. However, there clearly there isn't a supply of silver available to us so it can't be helped."
"Girls always get silver first; I don't know why," chimes in Kili. "Tradition, I guess."
"Same for the stones too," adds Bofur suddenly. "They're usin' aegirine – a crystal meanin' acceptance and conviction. It means they are set on their choice for her bein' their sister and once she accepts em' it shows her recognition of them as family. If there is a special stone related to the family or clan that is what is typically used. That or garnets for first time beads; it symbolizes the devotion to family." All the others nod in agreement with Bofur's words as though it were sagely advice.
"Everyone wants us to wait until we reach the mountain to make them for her with proper materials because it's tradition, but…" Fili looks back out the window. "I know that this decision is rather sudden and it is strange for dwarrow to take someone in like this, but she needs us. We have no home and we are trying hard to make our way through this life with a weight on our backs, and in that way we are similar. But at least we have each other and she has no one." The others all look at the young dwarf prince in surprise, seeing a side of him they had not been expecting. Even Bilbo is startled a little by his serious tone.
"She has had no one for years. Tahna has been walking all these paths alone with no guidance, no protection, and no family. All of us have known these same feelings – the loss and pain and confusion. Now fate has seen it right to bring us together. She may have come on this quest because she thought to help herself, but even with her goal in sight…" he paused as all knew he meant the Defiler, "…she chose us. We may not have been the reason she was with us in the beginning, but there is no force in Arda that can tell me that she doesn't stay now because she loves us." All the dwarves are touched by Fili's words and even Bilbo could feel some tugging on his heartstrings. "None deserve to go through this life alone, least of all someone as true of heart as she is. Even if she doesn't accept these beads I will love her as a sister until the end of my days…khithzal."
"Khithzal…" murmurs Balin. "It's not as long as you think." The white-haired warrior's remark effectively ruins the endearing atmosphere Fili created. None are sure how to respond so all are silent – watching the wizened dwarrow as he looks out the window where Thorin and Tahna sit. The silence permeates for only a few moments before…
"Alright, I've had enough of this nonsense," proclaims Dwalin gruffly. "Who or what has put that dwarrow wind lance through your backside? If it has something to do with the lass just come out and say it. I for one have had enough of your moping around. Thorin does more than enough for the both of ya." He crosses his arms and stands in front of his older brother waiting for a response, but after a few moments of silence he goads him once more. "Well come on."
Balin is silent a moment more. "Do you remember, brother, when father and I would venture out of the mountain to act as an ambassador on Thror's behalf?"
"Aye," confirms Dwalin hesitantly, "Though I confess I was young at the time; jealous that you were able to leave the mountain and explore somewhat. I don't see how that's important now…"
"Some of those trips were to the city of Imelkane…" he says with a small smile on his face. "The lass' stories don't really do it justice to be honest. Before the burning and destruction, the city was vast and while did not shine in the way of Minas Tirith it has its own solidity and strength. The glass Citadel looked like a diamond perched in the middle of the city. The Centennial Tower, while it stood out entirely, was made to act as a beckon for all who journeyed north.
"I will never forget the first time I entered those gates. It was a warm city, despite its location. I remember everyone looked up to see who had arrived. All smiled and waved at us – like we were friends returning from a long journey," he voice wavers a little and there are tears forming in his eyes. "The children ran alongside our wagons with excited features and their mothers did not call them away from us. The men would pause their work to hail us to stop by and see them during our stay. Even the guards at the gates gave us grins and cheerful challenges at the tavern that evening. There was no distrust among them – only welcome. It was almost like being home…"
Balin's statements have suddenly made Bilbo aware of just how poorly dwarves were received throughout Middle Earth. He is already aware of the bad blood with the elves (though Elrond had been more than generous during their stay in Rivendell), but to imagine what Balin is describing as a rare occurrence for dwarves disheartened the hobbit. There is a sense of guilt, remembering what he thought of them when they first invaded his home that fateful night. His ignorance is disheartening, but is overjoyed that these dwarves have given him a better perspective and still considered him a friend.
It also gives him a greater understanding of their desperate struggle for their homeland. He knew that if he ever returned to the Shire, even if he wasn't the most loved hobbit, at least his relatives would welcome him back; especially the Tooks. If his grandfather were still alive he would have assuredly made Bilbo recite the tale of his adventure to all in Mid-Summer under the Party Tree. It brought a smile to his face imagining all of the wild relatives he had once thought too unruly; now undoubtedly being one of them. Gandalf was right about having a story to tell. The thought of his family brings his mother to mind…his heart tightens…he hopes she would be proud of him.
"It was my second trip to the city of men," he says with distant eyes. "I had been looking forward to our trip as I had made many friends there on my first venture. Father almost had to pry me out the first time – his threat of sending our mother after me was the only thing that did it." He releases a small chuckle at that memory.
"I don' mean to be rude, Master Balin, but what's that got to do with Tahna?" asks Kili genuinely. "She wasn't born yet."
Balin is silent for a moment, looking away from the young prince before returning his inquisitive gaze. "I met her there…and Tahna reminds me so much of her…"
"Who?" asks Dwalin agitatedly.
"Cirema…My one," Balin says finally. The others look on in a shocked state of awe, but none speak. Bilbo can see from the looks on their faces that something important has been said with those two words. He pauses on Dwalin who looks like he had been hit in the face; the warrior's entire stance is rigid.
"What?" whispers the younger son of Fundin.
Balin doesn't answer the question and quiet begins to permeate the air once more. Bilbo quickly finds himself confused and since none of their companions seem able to help.
"Forgive me," says the hobbit, "But what's a 'One'?"
All are silent for a few more seconds before Bofur finally answers their burglar. "When a dwarf is born their soul is broken into two pieces. One is our own, but the other belongs to our 'One'."
Soulmates, Bilbo thinks. He heard about them before from his mother's books and stories. Hobbits don't have soulmates the way dwarves do, but when hobbits marry it's for life, so in a way it's the same.
While it is uncommon for them to wait, Bilbo knew of some that did wait for marriage; his parents being the primary example. His bachelor status is quite strange for a hobbit his age, but he never found someone that he loved the way his parents did each other. Bilbo carried his parents' death with him every day. Time had made the burden easier to carry, but it is most painful memory. He wished that pain on no one…especially no child of his own…
"I see," says Bilbo. However, all continued to stare at Balin in a confused manner. "But is that a…a bad thing?" His eyes moving from face to face as he looks among the others for an explanation.
"We never find our One outside of our race," replies Ori. "Marriage outside of our race is entirely forbidden." The realization settles on Bilbo. There is a reason none of his closest friends, even his brother ever knew of her existence. He loved her, but they couldn't…or at least shouldn't be together according to dwarven law. Bilbo turns to look outside once more to see Thorin still holding Tahna tightly and starts to wonder…
"Why did you never tell me?" asks Dwalin. "Why…did father and mother know?"
"Father was with me when I met her," confirms Balin.
"But she was of men," says Dori abruptly. He doesn't seem affronted or insulting, just surprised. Apparently, everyone is finally collecting themselves and asking their respective questions.
"So is Tahna," comments Kili. "We know that she and Uncle have feelings towards one another. I don't think it so strange. Will they not…"
"These are very special circumstances, lad," soothes Gloin. "Very rarely do our races mix in such a way that it comes to marriage. But in this case the lass has proven herself time and again; she exhibits honor, loyalty, and valor in the journey we face. Also your Uncle will be King; in some respects that makes things easier and harder. Amongst ourselves, we respect your Uncle to make his own decisions and approve. But when the time comes it's the rest of our people he would have to convince…"
"But he loves her…"says Kili with desperation in his tone. "Doesn't that count for something?"
"Why did you say nothing?" demands Dwalin. Now he's angry; Bilbo suspects there has never been any secrets between these brothers…until now.
"Because in the eyes of our people it was nothing," he says coldly. "We are so sure that our One can only be found within our race…but I have always doubted our creator would leave so many us without love…"
"We have our craft!" responds Dwalin forcefully.
"Which I have performed splendidly since her death…" responds Balin bitterly.
At that his brother has no response. Bilbo doesn't understand the situation fully and he has the sense that even if someone explained it he still wouldn't. Hobbits also rarely found lovers or partners outside their own race. Tooks had supposedly interbred with fairies once, but marriage…Maybe it isn't so different, thinks Bilbo sadly. While it is not forbidden among hobbits he cannot think of any, except the Tooks that would approve of such unions.
The large warrior watches his elder brother for a moment in silence before shattering it with the skid of a chair. He pulls it up to Balin, leaving barely a foot of space between them. Balin watches his brother – they hold their gaze when Dwalin speaks again.
"What happened?"
Balin looks away for a moment before gathering his thoughts and look back at his brother. A small bump on Bilbo's shoulder makes him realize that everyone, including himself, has come in even closer to hear the sad dwarrow's tale.
"I remember that mornin' as though it were yesterday. I woke up late from drinkin' some other lads under the table the night before. My head felt like a cave troll had sat on it. Father was very displeased with me as we were due at the Sovereign's halls so he had to haul me out of bed. Just down the street where our escort was waitin', there was a knife throwin' competition goin' on in the main corral when we got there. It had already been narrowed down to a final three so we thought we'd see it through. Father started speaking with the head of the guard who had come to meet us as honored guests; but I was too busy trying to keep my head from falling right off my shoulders.
"Then the clam suddenly turned into an array of angry grumbles. As the crowd parted we could see a woman having out thrown each competitor; each of her slim daggers sticking out of the bull's-eye. The target must've been 15 yards out and all three of them made it too their mark. I remember that moment; when I saw her for the first time…Her hair was a living flame in the summer sun, tied back in a single thick braid. When she turned back to us her golden eyes stoked my heart like a forge; they were playful and inviting. Her face was painted in faint freckles like stars in the night sky. Her smile was better than striking gold…"
"I was so enamored immediately I could only watch as she turned to those of us watching with a smirk. Like a predator she approached the judge of the competition and snatched her winnings from his hands; the men grumbled loudly with their complaints, but they made no move to stop her. When she approached us I thought my heart was going to run out of my chest or my head was going to explode. Imagine my surprise when she tuned to the head of the guard we had been speaking with and planted a kiss on his cheek. I was irrationally jealous, but as they split her winnings I overheard him call her daughter. The daughter of the captain of the guard of Imelkane…what were the odds?
"He was obviously proud of her and loved her very dearly. I could only watch her as she left; my head could find no words, totally in awe of her. My eyes followed her until she disappeared from sight and was forced to return to my task as an ambassador. I was so turned around from that single encounter for two days after I couldn't have told you the difference between pyrite and gold. Then I saw her again – we shared a brunch with our fathers discussing trade with the Sovereign Lord. We were placed at the middle of the table near our fathers respectively. I knew should have been focused on the talks, but my eyes almost never left her. And the most amazing thing was that she watched me back; initially it was out of curiosity, but then she realized how much power she had. It was almost a game; trying to see if the other was looking at what they were doing. I had been worried she would think me being too forward, or worse a strange dwarf, but instead she smiled.
"We met again and again during my time there; in fact, it became the only thing I could think about. All of father's lessons were in one ear and out the other for a while; all I could think of was where and when to met her next. We would exchange notes every time a council was in session; I wrote more waxing poetry than I did tariff agreements…The only way father managed to snap me out of it was by threatening to send me home if I didn't pay attention," laughs Balin.
"Then father knew? What did he say?" asks Dwalin with bated breath.
"He didn't believe it at first. Always the traditionalist our father was; thought it was nothing more than infatuation, but when we went to leave I think he saw how much it ate away me to be separated from her. I remember that raw ache in my chest and the dullness of the days that passed. Mother noticed the difference and asked after it, but he didn't tell her. You might've noticed, but as I recall you were stirring up trouble with a regimen of soldiers visiting from the Iron Hills. However, Fundin was optimistic if I rode out the affair if we spent more time together so he would send me out for all errands pertaining to the city. I spent the best years of my life going back and forth between the mountain and Imelkane.
"Her father knew even before our mother did. Her mother had passed some years ago from an illness. Cirema was the light of her father's life and they told each other everything. Apparently, at the end of my second stay she announced to him our relationship. He wasn't surprised and I think he was rather fond of me actually. She was among the few women of her village that knew how to fight and she was always the first to volunteer to assist those in need; even though it sometimes worried me to no end. Since I did not treat his daughter like a delicate doll and I gave her respect as all dwarrow learn to give their dams, he gave us his blessing. It took our father five years before he realized I was serious; when he did his first instinct was to try and talk me down from it. He kept reminding me of what years of dwarrow tradition dictated…I told him I could no sooner give her up than I cease to breathe. I would not choose between her or our people."
Another round of silence passes through the dwarves, this time somber, but curious. Bilbo has the same question he knows all of them are thinking poised on his tongue.
"Mother did find out eventually," sighs Balin. "She didn't approve and while my father agreed with her he was willing to let it pass; she refused to have a human as a daughter in-law. So I continued going between the two cities; Erebor was bittersweet for a time. I so hated mother's disapproving looks when I would return home. That's why I never told her I married in secret."
There is a strange mixture of emotions in the room, but the surprise is obvious from the gasps around the room. They are rather overwhelming to Bilbo, but he doesn't have time to make much of it.
"We married in the ways of her people as none of the dwarrow would have sanctified it. I did make a few of my own vows before Mahal as we all do for our wives. Father was there and gave me his blessing, but that was all. None knew and none ever found out…The year following was a beautiful one, but not without struggle as my mother became more and more overbearing. I almost considered living with Cirema in Imelkane with how difficult being in Erebor was becoming…but then that spring…our second spring together…" Balin became distant and it is obvious what was coming next.
"It was a late snow that delayed my journey back to Imelkane and with the short days my father insisted I ride with a caravan for protection. It took us more days than we expected and by the time I made it I was already too late. She had gone to assist a small convoy from Ered Luin as they were being chased by bandits. However, it wasn't bandits; it was an orc raiding party. It took us two days to find all of the bodies. When they brought her back the world felt too quiet like everything had died with her. From the moment I saw her still form I knew the life I been unwilling to part with had been taken from me. The most painful thing about it all was that I couldn't have been there with her; I would have fought for her, even given my life, but there was no way…"
Tears have begun to fall down Balin's rosy cheeks. A gloved hand covers his eyes as his head hangs low. Dwalin has no words of comfort for his brother, but grips his shoulder tightly. The younger brother leans in, pressing his forehead to his Balin's while he weeps silently. Bilbo could feel his heart going out for the old warrior. He notices that the others have completely clamed up. Gloin in particular is clutching his locket with such force there is a small tremble in his hand. Fili and Kili look between each other in silent conversation, as though they were sharing their very thoughts without voice. Ori looks to be near tears with Dori, holding him in his embrace keeping the tears at bay. The room is somber and no one speaks until Balin regains his thoughts.
"I returned home that winter defeated…Nututze'…I was broken for a long time afterward, but I found myself again in my craft and tutoring the royal princes and princess of Erebor. If mother was pleased about the turn of events, she kindly never said anything about it. I became exceptionally close to father in those years. I eventually returned to ambassador duties, but I never set foot in the city of Imelkane again. The pain was too great…
"I do not hate the lass. She is one of the most charming and loyal people I've ever met it's just…She is just like my Cirema in so many ways…It is too painful for me…and I fear what it might mean for poor Thorin…"
"Why what might happen to Thorin?" asks Kili.
Balin doesn't reply instead returning to tears and leaning on his brother for support, which Dwalin readily supports; instead it is Gloin who responds.
"He is our king. If the union wasn't sanctioned for even a noble dwarf then any chance Thorin has with her will be an uphill battle. We dwarrow can be stubborn and set in our ways to the point of becoming stone itself," answers the emotional dwarf.
"And not only that," adds Oin. "She maybe long lived, but she is also human. Our race is sturdier than theirs in more than one way. She is more vulnerable to sickness and with her most recent condition bordering on disabled…
"And she's a ranger to top it off…She has dedicated her life to protecting the free peoples of this land and that means she will throw herself into danger. She will have to leave the mountain at some point to fulfill her duties," says Dwalin to the brothers. "I cannot say she is his One, but if Thorin believes it as my brother does and she was not to return…then he would forever be broken."
"We all know the truth of the matter, brother. It is too late to change it now. He will not be the same without her one way or another. Ever since we walked into that tavern they were doomed from the beginning," says Balin.
A brief silence passes over them. Before Kili gently says, "You make it sound like it's a bad thing that they found each other, but he's been different around her. He seems more lively…I've even seen him smile once or twice. He may have had us in the Blue Mountains, but his heart always belonged somewhere else. We thought it was always Erebor, but maybe it was her. He's never been so intent – aside from the quest of course, but if she makes him happy…then he should have the right to choose her."
"I don't know about the rest of you," adds Fili softly, "but I for one would like to see him happy; well and truly happy. Regardless of where this road ends, I will support him and her. Uncle has never had much room for love outside of his kin. He is our king and he has always put responsibility and our people first, but for him I would gladly give him this. Tahna has never had a place – no, a home – since her people faded and if she finds it in him and with us…I would gladly give her this."
Amongst the dwarves, many nod silently as though agreeing with them. Balin doesn't nod and says nothing either; he just watches the pair through the glass. Even Bilbo, though he isn't sure his opinion is wanted, believed that Thorin and Tahna deserve happiness; even if that means they found it in each other. Bilbo looks outside the window to see the couple holding each other close and hopes that they could find the same love that Balin did with Cirema…the same love his parents shared…
I finally manage to stop sobbing like a witless maid; I feel foolish now in how I let something that happened so long ago affect me so. Thorin has been ever patient with me and I am so thankful for him; probably even more than he realizes. As I draw away slightly to look up at him I see tears in his eyes as well. My gut clenches at the glittering sight.
"I'm sorry," I say with a voice hoarse from the crying. "I didn't mean to upset you or burden you. Please don't cry for me, Thorin."
He gives me a tender smile, "Birizibine, you have brought no burden upon my shoulders and the only pain I feel is an echo of my own. I recall the discovery of my brother's body at Mirrormere during the battle Azanulbizar. It felt like the world had gone out from under me and I fell into a pit where no light could reach. My grandfather dead, my father missing, and now my brother…I felt like I failed. I had hoped my brother would have made it out, but that was a false hope. Regardless of winning the day from the orcs I never felt lower; not even when Smaug came to Erebor. I knew I wasn't alone, there were many who mourned as I did, but the isolation I felt was overwhelming, and the shame. How was I supposed to face my sister knowing that I would only bring home myself?
I was never the same afterward. I have never said this aloud to any before, but I have not felt whole since. There have been moments of joy – Dis' wedding, Fili and Kili's birth – but still there is a weight. It is as though every decision since is in some way a failure and I am alone in carrying that weight…I know exactly how you feel about your mother and father, but I don't want you to feel like that because I care for you. I would see you unburdened and I am honored you see me worthy of such trust."
"I trust you with my life, Thorin Oakenshield, all of it," I breathe. "I am of the same mind. I wish you would not hold so tightly to things lost, but that would make me guilty of hypocrisy. You are right I do know of the hallowing pain of which you speak, but I would not have you feel like this. You are not a failure…not through anyone's eyes and I will help you claim this mountain just to prove it."
"I know you will, birizibine," he says.
He takes one of my hands and draws it towards his face. He places the open palm along his bearded cheek. He closes his eyes as he nuzzles it, sighing deeply. I blush a little, knowing full well what beards mean to dwarves and to touch it – or rather have them want you to touch it…I slowly lift me other hand and place it on the other side of his face. I'm cradling his face now and he makes a noise somewhere deep within his throat; it makes my stomach flutter dangerously. It feels nice, being so close to someone you could trust. It is special and private this intimacy we are sharing. I almost wish it could last forever. Instead I raise myself up and bring his head down until our foreheads touch. His hands come up to cup my face as well, his fingers interlaced in the hair framing my face. My eyes close, enjoying the warmth of his hands and focusing only on our breathing.
"I will bring us home," he declares. "I will make it a home worthy of my people and for you…"
"And I will be with you the entire way," I promise. "We will not fail, Thorin."
Black Speech Translations:
Narnulubat – Thank you (It also means "I'm not going to hurt you", but this is the only translation I could find for thank you, so ya)
Brusizg krul baur – I have two sons
Paashizgu ha to – Can we eat her?
Tala maturz. Skaatlatu! - After she's dead. Come!
Khuzdul Translations:
Izlik iklaladran- Remember that winter
Khithzal – Forever (properly it's: eternally)
Nututze' - The Last One (Dwarrow Scholar once posted a proper name for a widower, but I can't find it for the life of me so I made up a name to the best of my ability)
Birizibine – my golden gem
Next Time: Beorn confronts Tahna and Dwalin whips the ranger back into shape…