John & Friends
Save the World
Chapter 1: This Guy Fucks
It was back to school for the gang. On the Hogwarts express, Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, Hermione Granger, and John chatted about how they spent their summer breaks. As always, none of them did anything interesting or worthwhile, except John, of course.
John was a superb martial artist and an international superstar, who's every day was packed to the brim with adventure. On top of that, he was insanely attractive. Like, really attractive. Hermione totally had a thing for him.
When John wasn't sacrificing his precious free time to fight off invading eldritch abominations, or play basketball with the disadvantaged inner-city youth, he attended the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and helped everybody there too.
John effortlessly outed the Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers within the first month of every previous year, bettering the lives of every student who reveled in fear of dying due to the adult staff's remarkable negligence and incompetence. John wanted to nab Voldemort this year; he had been putting it off for far too long.
In the train compartment, John entertained his friends with wondrous tales of his past accomplishments, while simultaneously texting life advice to Oprah and Millie Bobby Brown.
"So yeah, I just made the Palestinians and Israelis sign that everlasting peace treaty," John said. "It turns out I just needed to make a new religion that combines the two. I haven't checked back in a while, but I'm sure everything's fine."
"Everything must seem so easy to you," Hermione admired John with twinkling eyes and a dreamy gaze.
John lifted up his patented platinum-rimmed aviators with red-tinted lenses and met Hermione's eyes.
"That's not true," he refuted her ignorant claim, "it's very hard to be this humble."
He winked at Hermione and she couldn't stop herself from blushing. Across from John and Hermione sat Harry and Ron, who had formed a…special…unspoken bond over the summer.
Due to John being the perpetual center of attention at Hogwarts, the two lonely wizards had nobody left in their social spheres to get intimate with…except themselves… Their relationship was tense and uneasy after certain uncomfortable events took place at Ron's house one late July evening.
Harry was the optimistic one. He tried to hold Ron's hand along the ride, but Ron kept pulling back. As this was a private matter, Harry whispered his concerns.
"We can't ignore what 'appened 'tween us Roneld."
"Don't call me Roneld, 'Arry. It was a mistake."
"Don't say that Roneld," Harry said softly, finally catching Ron's hand and caressing it with his thumb. "Nothing about you is a mistake."
Ron turned away to look out the window, not dropping any hints of shared feelings. Harry sighed and released his grip.
Just then, the sweet cart rolled by the group. They were gifted several pounds of complimentary candies thanks to John's immense popularity at Hogwarts. Like, seriously, he was the coolest kid there.
Everyone stared at the sweets, evaluating the viability of ever depleting such a large pile of candies in their lifetimes. John took out his wand and uttered, "Multiplificy," and the mountain of desserts tripled. Everyone clapped for John and proceeded to shove the goodies into their bags. All was well, until…
"Typical John, always the showoff!" a whiny voice from the corner shrilled. It was Draco Malfoy and his cronies.
Harry stood up to face the bully.
"Eh, you leave us alone Draco! John is our lord and savior, you understand?"
Draco shoved Harry back into his seat.
"Piss off, Potter!" Draco snickered. "I don't care about you! Chosen One or not, you're hardly worth my time!"
Harry slinked down into his seat and stayed quiet like the little bitch he is.
"These are the people you linger around, John?" Draco sneered. "You really aren't as tough as people say!"
John said nothing. He was above giving into Draco's fuckboi attitude.
"You scared to talk back to me, eh?" Draco got in his face. "Yeah, maybe you're not so cool-"
Suddenly, John pulled something out from one of his various pockets on his iconic black leather jacket. It was the Doomcaliber Knight, the rarest card in all of Yu-Gi-Oh! Many collectors have speculated it to be pure myth!
"That- that isn't possible!" Draco exclaimed. Shocked and confounded, he stumbled back a few steps.
John remained silent, twirling a Five-Headed Dragon through his fingers. Draco produced an angry venting noise in response.
"This isn't fair!" he yelled. "Nobody's supposed to have such a legendary deck!"
John slid a Black Luster Soldier onto the table, and left Draco with a complete loss for words.
John slouched back in his seat and grinned, "Are you sure you still want this fight, Draco?"
Draco fumed and pounded his foot on the ground in anger. He pointed a trembling finger at John.
"You win this round, but I'll come back with my deck stronger than you can imagine!"
Draco stormed off with his cronies. Everyone on the train either laughed at Draco or clapped for John. Most did both.
Suddenly, a spotted message owl flew through an open window in the group's cabin and perched itself on Harry's head. Hermione snatched the letter from its beak and excitedly read it out loud in hopes to gain John's affection.
"Wow! It's a message from Dumbledore! It says..." she recoiled from the crude language, "…heard about what you did to that little shit Draco. You're such a fucking baller my dude!"
"Guys…" Harry fretted, "…I think I 'eard this birdy drop somethin' on me head…isn't there some spell to make it fly away…?"
"Harry, could you not, please?" John rolled his eyes. "Not everything has to be solved by a spell or a potion, but apparently everything does have to be solved by me."
John grabbed a rolled-up newspaper and swatted at the owl. Its wings fluttered wildly and it clawed at Harry's forehead in a panic before escaping through the window.
"Ohhh…" Harry groaned in pain, "…why is there blood in my eyes…?"
"Such a fucking pessimist," John chided. "Now you don't have to feel so bad about that one little scar on your forehead…since there's so many new ones. Looks like I solved two problems with one bird," he chuckled.
"That's so clever," Hermione purred. "But can we get back to you?"
"If we must…" John sighed and tossed the letter over his shoulder.
"Dumbledore is my friend, but honestly I can't hold onto all the fan mail he sends me. It just piles up," John shook his head. "I'm just glad to put a stop to another bully like Draco, because bullying is wrong," he added.
"Yeah!" Harry chimed in, pressing the crumpled-up pages of a textbook to his forehead. "I stood up to him too! We did it together!"
John turned to Harry sternly and coldly.
"Hey, shut the fuck up Harry," John scowled. "I was having a conversation, if you hadn't fucking noticed."
Harry was taken aback. He sought Ron and Hermione's support, but Ron was still listlessly staring out the window, and Hermione was entranced by John's huge biceps.
"What a selfish asshole, right?" John continued his conversation that Harry so rudely interrupted. "Born the Chosen One but can't let anyone else have some fame. It's just so hard being me," he sighed.
Hermione fumbled a response anxiously, "Oh yeah, he's so awful, and you're like, so great."
A brief moment of silence passed. Hermione couldn't wait any longer- she had to know.
She squirmed, then stammered, "How are your biceps so big?!"
Hermione covered her mouth in shock. She couldn't believe she was stupid enough to say that out loud. John was unfazed, however.
"Well, my huge biceps are just a side-effect of my Vegan CrossFit lifestyle..."
Harry felt alone and unwelcome in the group. He shed a single tear and felt miserable for the remainder of the ride.
Chapter 2: John Asserts Himself as the Alpha
When the group arrived at Hogwarts, all the school's professors kneeled before John and rolled out the red carpet for him. At the communal welcoming dinner, John somehow managed to give his meal to starving African children and everyone in the dining hall clapped for him. Dumbledore gave John an obligatory toast. Afterwards, everyone went back to their dorms. Harry and Ron shared a bunk bed, much to Ron's distaste. John slept on the bare floor to enhance his chi. He believed it created rewarding life experiences.
In the women's dorms, Hermione struggled to fall asleep. The mental image of John doing CrossFit was etched into her mind...and it was just too much for her. Instead, she stayed up late and chatted with Luna Lovegood about him.
"I know I'm privileged just to be near him, but I need more than that, you know?" Hermione murmured, rubbing her hands anxiously.
"He is quite the specimen," Luna agreed. She was using her hands to sift through the air, as if she was playing an imaginary instrument.
"What are you doing?" Hermione asked.
"Strumming the strings of the universe," Luna replied in a soothing lofty tone.
"You seem really over-written sometimes," Hermione griped. "Like someone was trying really hard to make you interesting but you're just annoyingly eccentric and lack any real personality."
"Is that so?" Luna smiled aimlessly, continuing her gesturing. Hermione sighed.
Back in the men's dorms, Ron and Harry were wide awake, bickering with each other.
"Stop bein' such a bloody twit, 'Arry!" Ron snapped, desperately trying not to revisit the past. "It won't 'appen again, so jus' leave it alone!"
"I can't 'ide my feelins for ya Roneld!" Harry cried. The other Gryffindor roommates shushed them, tired and annoyed. They weren't prepared for a whole school year of this shit.
"Why can't ya just be a normal bloke, Arry? Go try to knob my sister or somethin'."
"If you didn't want me thinkin' of ya Roneld, you shouldn't have taken top bunk. There's nothin else to look at round here, 'cept the shape your fine buttocks leaves in the mattress."
"Oh, so are ya sayin' you want top bunk on top of your Chosen One status, you twit? Bugger off!"
Harry remained quiet the rest of the night. He shed a single tear.
The next day, the whole school was required to attend a ceremony in John's honor. Hermione rushed to get a front-row seat. Ron tried to put distance between himself and Harry. As the auditorium filled in, Harry had no choice but to sit to Neville Longbottom of all people. He shed a single tear.
Dumbledore walked out on stage with John following behind. He waited for the audience to settle down before speaking. He held and savored the silence for a long time before playfully punching John's shoulder.
"This fuckin' guy right here!" Dumbledore shouted. John blushed and reluctantly accepted the praise.
"Like, lemme get this straight. I'm a giant fucking idiot compared to this guy! I hire Quirrel and Lockhart, and oh, they could have done some serious damage, if it wasn't for this guy right here! He figures each of them out within a month!" he punched John on the shoulder again.
"Up high buddy!" Dumbledore raised his hand for a high-five. John obliged.
"Fuck yeah!" Dumbledore cheered. The students responded with rapturous applause. Dumbledore grabbed the mic and repeated again how great John was, in case it wasn't fucking clear by now.
"Like, this guy fucking stared at the basilisk...and the basilisk got paralyzed!" Dumbledore proceeded to do a chest bump with John.
"God I love this fuckin guy..." Dumbledore sniffled. He patted John on the back and began his speech detailing how John came to be his personal hero and AA sponsor. John rounded back behind the curtains, but not before the audience showered him with roses and panties.
"I'm gonna crack open a cold one with that fucker later!" Dumbledore wooed, catching a tear from his eye.
Everyone in the auditorium clapped.
"Alright…" Dumbledore moved on from his favorite subject, disdain building in his voice, "…let's wheel out the fuckin' twit now..."
Two students pushed a wooden cart onto the stage. It carried an oversized steel cage with Draco Malfoy trapped inside. He pushed against the metal bars fiercely and his face seared red with rage.
"This is barbaric!" Draco shrieked. "You can't do this!"
"Oh, just shut the fuck up you little twit!" Dumbledore sneered. "Your parents never wanted you!"
The school's abusive headmaster twirled his wand and materialized a venomous snake within the cage. Draco's eyes widened in fear. He stumbled and crawled around the cage frantically in a desperate bid for survival.
"Looks like all Draco wants to do is slither out, not Slytherin!" Dumbledore called out. The audience, grateful for the show, responded with hearty laughs.
"Students and staff," Dumbledore boomed, "you may now conjure up tomatoes to throw at Draco!"
Approximately four-hundred attendees did just that, including the professors and Draco's parents. It would be the fifth worst moment of his life. The first being that time John upstaged his Yu-Gi-Oh! collection.
Thousands of thrown tomatoes later, trails of dark fog suddenly flashed and wisped throughout the auditorium. The atmosphere was darker and more ominous within an instant. Panic spread out across the stands. Black smoke accumulated onto the stage and materialized into a shape that must not be named. It was Voldemort.
"Oh shit!" Dumbledore shouted and sprinted off the stage. The other adults quietly slipped away, leaving the Dark Lord alone with every single Hogwarts student.
"Let me just lock the doors..." Voldemort cackled as he flicked his wand. "Oh...looks like your school staff did that already..."
Voldemort laughed maniacally. Rows of terrified young children cowered in their seats.
"I seek my lifelong adversary!" Voldemort announced. "Where is he?"
Harry took a deep breath. This was his moment. He stood up among the masses and called out to Voldemort.
"I'm 'ere! And I won't let you hurt anyone!"
Voldemort's smile faded. A puzzled expression grew on his face.
"No…no, you're not who I'm looking for, young man..." Voldemort squinted.
"Yes I am!" Harry shouted, lifting up his hair. "You killed me parents and gave me this 'ere scar!"
"No- oh shit, I remember now," Voldemort reflected. "Biggest regret of my life honestly."
"You don't feel regret, you monster!"
"No- I mean, I came here looking for John. I just regret investing so much time in you as a nemesis. Huge mistake on my part, I admit."
"You can't just make a nemesis and then change your mind!"
"It was a long time ago..." he shrugged. "Before John attended Hogwarts…"
"You're despicable!" Harry yelled. He aimed his wand at Voldemort, trembling and sweating profusely.
"You wanna fight bro I'll fucking drop ya right here mate you're fucking nothin' to me runt."
Harry realized Voldemort could totally fucking drop him and he sat down quietly in shame. He shed a single tear.
"Sorry about that everyone," the Dark Lord apologized. "What a selfish asshole, right? But really, where is John?"
"Been here all along!" a voice resonated from behind. Voldemort immediately turned around and casted Avada Kedabra, but John was gone. Voldemort stood in place, stunned. Suddenly, John dropped down from the ceiling and threw his iconic shurikens at Voldemort. He blocked them all with a magical ward. John landed on the floor in a superhero pose and stood up, pacing in circles around Voldemort.
"Take out your wand boy," Voldemort hissed. "...no homo."
John slipped off his aviators.
"I didn't bring my wand," he grinned, "but I am packing heat."
John swiftly whipped out his gun and fired three clean shots through Voldemort's head before the villain could react. The Dark Lord keeled over, a puddle of blood oozing out from under his body.
John blew away the smoke coming off the muzzle and put his pistol back into its holster. "Looks like this Tom Riddle...is solved."
Everyone in the auditorium clapped. Dumbledore sprinted back on stage.
"Look what this fuckin' guy just did! He didn't even need all seven Horcruxes to kill Voldemort, somehow! Everyone give it up for John or else you're expelled!"
John took his bows and headed backstage once again. Meanwhile, Hermione's hormones had reached their limit. Undertaken by lust, she shoved past all the cheering students and followed John. When she found him, he was talking to a man with spiky grey hair and a white lab coat. The man gave John a sincere and drawn out hug, then took out some sort of device that spawned a green portal and stepped through it. As if he was expecting her, John spun around to face Hermione.
"Who was that?" she asked.
"Oh, he's just an interdimensional adventurer/traveler named Rick," John replied. "He asks for my advice and wisdom all the time. Understandable. He'd be the smartest man in the universe if it wasn't for me."
"Look, John...I need to tell you something."
John tilted his aviators down.
"Anything," he uttered. Hermione swooned.
She looked down anxiously. Then, in a surge of passion, she grasped John's shoulders and held a long, furious kiss with him. The kind that would make a possible reader or listener looking in really uncomfortable. She took her lips off of his and backed away, praying that John wouldn't be mad. He moved his lips around, analyzing and judging the quality of the kiss.
"6/10," he finally decided.
"What?!" Hermione cried out. "But it was so real!"
"Sorry," John shrugged. "You're not the first thot to randomly run up and kiss me. Besides, I already have someone close to my heart..."
John took out a dirty, torn polaroid of Asuna Yuuki, his dearest anime waifu from Sword Art Online.
"Asuna Yuuki?!" Hermione exclaimed. "But she's just a cartoon!"
John clutched the photo to his chest.
"I know she's a cartoon...yet she's the realest person I know."
Hermione tried to speak, but John raised his finger to her lips.
"Sorry, not sorry," he concluded.
Hermione began to cry. After a few awkward seconds of silence passed, John dabbed on her then sprinted away.
Chapter 3: John Kills Himself
One day, as John was walking along the outside courtyard, he noticed students congregating along the south wall. There was a precarious situation involving Harry at the top of the wall's spire that required the utmost sensitivity and empathy to deescalate. Dumbledore was working hard to ensure all the staff had beers ready.
"Nobody 'ere cares about me yeah?" Harry called out to the crowd. "I don't have anyone who cares about me! Even the bloody Hufflepuffs don't want me!"
The crowd collectively urged Harry to jump. He shivered with despair and accepted his fate. As he lifted his first foot into the air, a familiar voice rang out among the crowd.
"Stop!"
Ron pushed his way to the front of the crowd and cried out, "You 'ave me Harry! You 'ave me!"
Ron took out his broom and flew to the top of the spire.
"Are ya ready to climb aboard me' stick, 'Arry?" Ron smiled fondly as he extended his hand towards Harry.
Harry took Ron's hand and climbed aboard, shedding a single tear of joy. They flew to the ground together. Ron held Harry's hands and whispered, "Let's take this back to our place, yeah?"
And they did. A mere ten minutes later, students and professors walking the halls- no matter where they were in the enormous castle- could hear Ron shouting, "Slob on me knob 'Arry!"
Hogwarts eventually had to build a separate dorm for Gryffindor after disturbing student and staff complaints piled up about Ron and Harry's sweaty, relentless anal sex.
While construction was underway, all the male Gryffindor students had to bunk with the female students. Everyone was getting some action, except Hermione.
Dumbledore immediately granted John full access and control to his luxurious private quarters. John accepted Dumbledore's offer graciously, and in return, forced him to sleep in the dirty bathtub of Gryffindor's old dorm. Dumbledore heard Ron and Harry going at it each and every goddamn night. Making the best of a poor situation, he incorporated their moans into his masturbation routine. It was weird.
Weeks later, Hermione snuck out to John's new quarters to confront him on his awful behavior. She peeked around the doorframe to his room to see him pacing around in circles. Something was wrong.
Suddenly, John noticed Hermione being a total fucking stalker. She panicked and casted a spell.
"Stupify!"
John was successfully immobilized. She scurried up to him and apologized, "I'm sorry I had to do this John, but every time I approach you in the halls you either ignore me or dab on me!"
John's eyes glared at Hermione, waiting for a point. She struggled to find the right question.
"Why are you so mean?!" she exploded. "Why can't you just show me a modicum of human decency and- why are you smiling...?"
A grin slowly formed on John's face. A concussive energy blast knocked Hermione into his dresser. When she picked herself up, she saw John standing up and holding something in between his fingers.
"Looks like you just activated my trap card, Hermione," he chuckled.
Hermione took out her wand and fired spells at John in preemptive defense, but he dodged them effortlessly. Their epic wizard duel began. Draco peeked into the room and witnessed the commotion; he had also been stalking John for completely different reasons.
"Oh no!" Draco panicked. "If I intervene John will know I have a crush on him! And that I act mean towards him because I'm hoping he likes how I play hard to get!"
The very thought of John uncovering Draco's secret made him cringe. If he didn't act soon, Senpai might get hurt, but if he did, Senpai would definitely know Draco liked him! He took a deep breath and jumped in between John and Hermione.
"Exus Machinas!" he shouted, casting an immediate binding spell onto Hermione.
John instantly relaxed and walked up to Draco. Draco looked away from his dark, beautiful aviators.
"I didn't do it for you," Draco pouted. Suddenly, he felt John's arms wrap around him and all of his insecurities melted away. Senpai was hugging him?! Oh no...Draco was going to need a new set of trousers...
"I didn't need your help Draco, but thanks," John said as he released his hug. He hoisted Hermione's body over his shoulder and gave Draco one last thumbs up as he left. Draco whispered a single word when he was sure John was long gone.
"Baka..."
Hermione awoke to find herself paralyzed and propped up against a guardrail inside of the castle's tallest tower.
"What's happening?! Why are we up here?!"
"Oh, this?" John took his cigarette out and examined it. "It just makes me feel alive when nothing else can."
"No! I meant why am I tied up-"
"Yeah, that's the big question we're all asking ourselves nowadays..." John flicked the cigarette away.
Hermione tried to speak again but stopped when she noticed the intense, real melancholy on John's face. She felt so sad for him.
"I could help you!" she cried out. "Mend your tortured soul!"
"No," John said softly. "Only Asuna can do that..." He took out his dirty polaroid of his anime waifu and stroked its edge. "...and like you said, she isn't real."
"Please John, can't we start over? I'll let you be an uninformed, rampant misogynist towards me as much as you want, whenever you want!"
"You still don't understand, do you?" John struck a bitter chord, kneeling down before her. He fully removed his aviators- a privilege he bestowed upon few individuals in the multiverse- to reveal dark red irises underneath.
"I've been roaming this world for seven hundred years in search of feeling something," John confessed. "I'm a vampire."
He flashed his teeth. Hermione was astonished. She couldn't believe it.
"The only thing colder than reality...is my heart." He turned away once more and lit another cigarette.
Hermione finally understood. John was a dark creature defined by sorrow. She felt guilty. She had never tried to empathize with him- she only wanted that dick.
"Why am I up here?" she asked after a long moment of silence.
"You tried to fight me," John exhaled. "The world will need that type of bravery when he comes."
"When who comes?"
"My one and only equal in the multiverse. Shadow the Edgehog."
"But you're the strongest person ever! And you're incredibly attractive!"
"I'm not strong enough to face him," John dismissed her naiveté, "but you might be."
With that, John gave Hermione one last heartfelt wink and fell backwards off the tower railing.
"No!" Hermione screamed as she struggled against her invisible bonds. Suddenly, she felt the effect wear off. She rushed to the edge of the tower and witnessed John burn to ashes as he plummeted down, until there was nothing left. She couldn't hold back the tears. In the end, John did finally feel something: Death. '
Hogwarts held a vigil for John. Many attending students and celebrities would later go on to say it was the most emotional moment of their entire lives. Even more would say losing John was the equivalent of losing a child. John's death was so impactful that it actually got Harry and Ron to stop fucking for about hour or so and pay their respects. Everyone left roses and panties on his casket. Dumbledore was about to give his regards to the students, when suddenly a portal opened up behind him.
"Oh shit!" Dumbledore yelled and sprinted off the stage.
An orange humanoid fox with two tails emerged from the portal, decked out in heavy post-apocalyptic survival gear. It was Tails.
"My name is Tails," he announced, "and I'm here to stop a tyrant from my world. Where's John?"
There was silence. Tails glanced behind him and saw John's casket.
"No!" he shouted, dropping to his knees. "There's no hope now! Dammit!" he banged on the casket in anger.
Hermione stood up. "John wanted me to carry on his legacy!" she cried out.
"Lies!" Tails seethed. "What can you possibly do that John couldn't?"
"Well, I'm a decent wizard...and I have a smug sense of superiority over everyone else. I'm also pretty hot."
"Lies!" Tails repeated. "You're a 6/10 at best!"
"John said I could defeat Shadow!"
Everyone gasped, including Tails.
"How do you know the name of the destroyer?"
"Because I am John's successor! He said so! It would be like John to appoint a woman in his place, because he's such a woke feminist! Let me help you!"
Tails hesitated, then beckoned for Hermione to come stand alongside him on stage.
"My friends! Shadow is coming, and I need all the help I can get to face him! Who is with me?!"
Harry and Ron made their way up to the stage, holding hands along the way. Draco also volunteered, to everyone's surprise.
"What are you doing up here?!" Hermione hissed. "You couldn't care less about saving the world, that's for sure! And you're not doing this because of John, you hated him!"
"Yeah, well- it's not like I'm here to avenge the only man I've ever truly loved," Draco pouted, turning away. He whispered in the faintest voice he could muster, "Baka…"
Just then another portal opened up several feet above the stage and a trashy homemade spaceship crash-landed into the Whomping Willow's branches. From the wreckage stepped out the same man with spiky grey hair and a white lab coat that Hermione had seen earlier. He stumbled and lurched onto the stage drunkenly, swiping the mic away from Tails.
"My name is Rick Sanchez, and I want in on this (burp) redemption quest. John was my closest friend and a-" Rick paused, holding himself together, "...my personal hero."
"So it is settled!" Tails shouted. "It's up to us to defeat Shadow, once and for all!"
"Not so fast!" a voice called out from the back of the crowd. Students turned to see who it was and fainted on the spot. It was John.
He was draped in lavish white silk robes and emitted a heavenly glow. It's like how Obi-Wan came back in those Narnia movies.
"But how?!" Hermione gasped.
"God said I suffered long enough and resurrected me," John explained, taking off his aviators to reveal his new white irises. "I'm like Jesus...but better."
Everyone in the courtyard clapped and cheered. Draco and Hermione felt the lower halves of their bodies quiver with delight. Tails was not shaken.
"So, can you defeat Shadow?" he asked with a hopeful glimmer in his eyes.
John walked up and placed his hand on Tails' shoulder.
"No," he admitted. "By myself, I couldn't hope to stop him. But together...as John & Friends™️...we can."
Everyone cheered as Rick prepped his portal gun with the coordinates to Tails' home dimension.
Thus, John & Friends was born, and their first trademarked adventure had begun. Please buy the merch…
Chapter 4: A Very Scary, Harry Day
As the group stepped out from Rick's portal, they found themselves in a dark, desolate wasteland of what once was a proud, industrious metropolis. Avenues of abandoned buildings stretched out in every direction, coated with dust and adorned with tattered materials. On the outskirts of the city, it seemed there was a perpetual sandstorm. All in all, your typical post-apocalyptic environmental tropes.
"What 'appened 'ere?" Ron asked nervously, squeezing Harry's hand harder.
"That happened," Tails uttered, pointing down a barren street. The group saw a black floating orb with blades of sunlight attempting and failing to escape at the edges. It was gigantic; at least the size of a small moon, or your mom's left ass cheek. Got'em.
"That's where Shadow is," Tails grimaced. "He wanted to take away any hope the remaining survivors would hold onto, so he constructed a hovering super-lair that would blot out the sun."
"But wouldn't it only blot out the sun in this 'ere particular area?" Harry offered his unwanted thoughts. "What 'bout the people that lived right behind the orb? Wouldn't they-"
The group collectively told Harry to shut the fuck up. John, being the unofficial but naturally appointed leader, directed the group to move towards the orb and rest when nightfall came.
They eventually left the city's outskirts and journeyed into untouched desert. Soon enough they uncovered a cave large enough to shelter the whole group for the night and settled there.
Hermione was in the process of lighting a fire. The rest of the wizards magically constructed tents. John, Rick, and Tails trekked to the campsite's outer rim. Rick had some bleak news.
"What do you mean you can't portal us inside Shadow's Death Sphere?!" Tails fumed, trying to keep his voice down per John's advice, as to not lower morale. "That'd save us so much time!"
"Shadow has some (burp) serious tech at his disposal," Rick explained. "It's blocking every device I have. We'll have to (burp) walk there."
"That's not good enough! Every day that tyrant holds power, he ushers in more death and destruction!"
"Hey, I'm pretty sure you had more than enough time to take him out before begging (burp) John for help. Why didn't you do something then?"
"The resistance gave their lives to send me to John!" Tails growled, ready and hungry for a fight. Rick cautiously clutched the handle of a laser pistol from inside his lab coat.
"Hey!" John shouted, inserting himself between them. "This isn't why we're here!"
Tails and Rick calmed down and hesitantly sheathed their weapons. Tails turned away and started tearing up.
"He took everything from me...he took everything from me and I couldn't stop him!"
Tails pulled out a dirty, torn polaroid of himself and another short humanoid animal with their arms wrapped around each other.
"Shadow killed my gay lover, Sonic, before I could stop him. I just thought- he runs fast. He wouldn't have been able to get captured if he ran really fast, right? But Shadow dun' got him anyways...ever since then I've been seeking vengeance for his death...I haven't had a real chance until now…"
"Real nice exposition dump and cliched origin story, buddy," Rick jeered condescendingly. "Got anything real to contribute?"
Tails stormed off back to the campsite without another word. John turned to face Rick.
"Not cool bro," he scolded. "I guess even with that high IQ, you can't understand empathy..."
John ran after Tails and left Rick all by his lonesome. John's disapproval was the only thing in the multiverse that could break through Rick's nihilism and hurt him emotionally. He took out his flask and drank it dry.
"Oh, woe is me, why can't I (burp) not be an asshole?" Rick cried out into the indifferent wind. A soft acoustic rhythm played along with his tragic upset. This would only last five more seasons, tops.
Back at the campsite, Ron and Harry got to fucking like rabbits as soon as the tents were nailed down. Hermione had finally lit the campfire up with a spell right as Draco returned carrying a bundle of sticks and twigs.
"I brought some wood to keep the fire going through the night," Draco forced a cooperative smile, dropping his pile next to Hermione. Something was off with him…
"We're wizards," Hermione pointed out, "we don't need logs. I just ignited the campfire without them."
Draco grew more nervous and uneasy. He said nothing and stretched his smile out more unnaturally. That's when it hit her.
"You were trying to get John to notice you!" Hermione exclaimed. Draco was taken aback.
"Preposterous! I wasn't trying to get Senpai to notice my strong arms!"
He covered his mouth in embarrassment. Hermione smugly put her hands on her hips.
"You can't tell Senpai- I mean John!" Draco pleaded. "He's not ready! Please!"
Hermione wasn't listening. She was assessing how best to use this revelation to give her the edge in winning John's affection. She had an idea.
"I won't tell John you like him," Hermione decided. Draco let out a sigh of relief. "…we'll just force John to choose one of us!"
"Wha- what?! You like him too?!" Draco stammered.
"Of course I do. He's just so ridiculously attractive," Hermione wooed.
"And cool, don't forget how cool he is," Draco added.
"We'll have to pretend to be a couple, in order to make John jealous and choose one of us."
"But what if he doesn't choose me?!" Draco worried, biting his nails.
"It's not about us, it's about what John feels."
"You're right," he sighed. "But how do we make this fake relationship look convincing?"
Hermione and Draco both craned their necks towards Ron and Harry's tent, where various grunting and huffing noises were emerging from. They looked back at each other and gulped.
Five minutes later, Hermione and Draco sat back to back in one tent and held their knees, neither one of them willing to initiate anything. It was incredibly awkward.
Hermione broke the tension. "I'm just going to go to my own tent and..."
"Yeah," Draco agreed.
"We can say we did it," she tried to reassure him.
"Yeah," he repeated, looking away.
Everyone was asleep in their tents when a loud nasally howl echoed out across the desert sands. Everyone woke up, startled. They poked their heads out of the tent to investigate. Tails squinted into the horizon, and dread overcame his senses.
"Everyone get up!" he shouted. "We're in danger!"
John ran up to Tails.
"What's going on?"
"It's Shadow. He regularly travels across the multiverse recruiting anyone who's willing to help him in his plans..."
"Furries," John realized. "Dear God, every single willing individual?"
Tails nodded.
"That could be in the millions..." John gasped. He lifted Tails up by the scruff. "Why didn't you tell us this before?!"
"I thought they wouldn't be a problem!" Tails swore. "In my time between visits, Shadow's army of furries grew from a small cult to an army!"
John placed the fox down with a stern look.
"We need to prepare everyone," he declared.
Rick and Tails did so. The plan was this: hold down the fort until the furries stopped coming. John, Rick and Tails would form the frontline, giving it to those furries. Coming at and upon them furiously. Penetrating them from the front and then splitting them apart from the rear. The Hogwarts students would defend home camp, and if need be, abandon the mission to escape with their lives intact.
Rick used some science goggles or some shit to peer down the horizon. He tagged a few tan-colored moving smudges. Moments later he identified a pack of furries dressed in dog/fox costumes, then he witnessed the full, ghastly horde of furries dressed as all creatures from every corner of the animal kingdom, running straight for them.
"I could portal us out of here boss, it's not too late," Rick called out to John, a whiff of fear present in his voice.
John shook his head and rejected the smart move. They weren't cowards. They were going to give it to these furries. Hard, and ruff.
The first wave of furries was easy enough. Rick had erected various turrets and traps hidden in the dirt. Tails was mowing down several clusters with his rifle. But John was doing the brunt of the work, obviously. Each punch, kick, or shuriken John threw incapacitated at least three of the hairy fucks.
The second wave, however, was far less forgiving. Tails, Rick, and even John were having trouble holding the furries back due to their sheer strength in numbers. The group could kill degenerates, sure, but could they vanquish degeneracy incarnate?
Suddenly, a deafening, screeching sound reverberated across the battlefield. The sound of a motorcycle revving its engine. The furries instinctively kneeled. Their king was arriving.
"I've got a bad feelin' 'bout this," Ron shivered.
Rick performed recon on the mysterious driver from a nearby hill.
"There's a figure moving on the edge of the dunes, alm..." Rick's voice got scratchy and cut out.
"...almost like a shadow..." John finished. He and Tails stared at each other in immediate horror. Without warning, the motorcycle jumped over the alpha team, landing directly in between both teams.
"No..." Tails gasped.
"Yes, it is I, Shadow! The BEST OG Sonic villain. None of that Eggman or Chaos bullshit! Don't t me!"
"You killed the love of my life!" Tails screamed, flying towards Shadow. John reached out to grab one of Tails' tails, but it was too late.
"Lol, I killed Sonic cuz he was gay and ur gay too so you're dead now haha xD," Shadow cackled as he aimed his iconic shotgun at Tails.
"No!" Harry cried out. Ever since his suicide attempt, he couldn't stand by and let another gay man throw his life away. He jumped in between Tails and Shadow's shotgun, getting eviscerated in the process.
"Arry!" Ron screamed.
Bits and pieces of Harry rained down everywhere. It was a clean explosive shot to the head. Hermione had to pick Harry's meat chunks out of her hair. Draco had to spit some out of his mouth. Just really disgusting all around.
Shadow was startled by this sudden change in targets, but he kept his cool.
"It looks like he's the boy who didn't live," Shadow laughed.
He revved up his motorcycle and drove off giving everyone the middle finger. All the furries chased after him on all fours. The vicious encounter left the group only with the brains and blood and teeth of Harry's obliterated head. Ron cradled the dead body of his boyfriend in his arms, bawling his eyes out.
"We didn't even try ev'ry position out yet!" he sobbed.
Tails looked away in shame. Rick took a swig from his flask. Hermione and Draco never really gave a shit about Harry so they just tried to fake genuine sadness but didn't really care about that either. You know, like when a distant relative breaks down about their father who died from cancer or something recently and you're just a kid playing Fire Emblem on the couch and you don't know what to do or who these people are so you keep playing and hope it settles down but it doesn't and you'd wish your parents would give you a signal or something. Anyone?
Chapter 5: Daddy Shadow's Pleasure Chambers
Hours passed. The group trudged through the desert sands towards Shadow's evil lair, feeling wary and defeated. They created a bee line formation, mostly so that Ron, who was bursting into tears every five minutes, could be at the end and not hold everyone up.
Hermione and Draco tried to utilize this quiet time by making sure John noticed their intimate actions with each other. They would even go so far as to lightly touch the other's hand. It was entirely sickening to both them and their sexual orientations, but they both wanted John's love more badly than anything.
"We're pretty close," Rick confirmed with his science machine. "The only entrance to Shadow's Death Sphere that I can (burp) make out is on the bottom…"
"…in its shadow," John finished for him.
Everyone felt something sinister creep over them, but none would admit it. Soon enough they were standing directly underneath the Death Sphere. A small metal hatch automatically opened and a ladder dropped down.
As they each climbed up, the group held an unspoken respect and admiration for each other and how far they had come. John went first. After he entered the Death Sphere, the hatch behind him slammed shut.
"No!" he shouted. John pulled on the hatch, but even his godlike biceps weren't enough to force it open. He was alone and unprepared. It was pitch black, except for something shining in the distance. Having nothing better to do, John headed towards it.
"No," John uttered, his jaw hanging open. "It can't be!"
Asuna Yuuki hovered out from the darkness, beautiful and sparkly.
"What do you mean Johnny-San?" Asuna giggled. "I'm right here!"
"Sword Art Online didn't prepare me for this..." John mumbled, confused yet aroused.
"That's because this," Asuna smiled, ripping his shirt off, "is something special..."
John laid down and accepted his anime waifu's sweet touch. Soon enough, she moved down to his belt buckle…
After John climbed up the ladder, Tails was next. He was similarly met with complete darkness, and then…he was in bed with the sheets covering him. The door flung open and the light switch was frantically turned on and off. Someone really wanted him to wake up. Someone familiar. It was Tails' deceased husband, Sonic.
"Honey, get up!" Sonic called. "You know we can't miss our morning run!"
Tails jumped out of bed. Could it really be the man he loved?! He stumbled onto the outside patio in his pajamas. Sonic was in full sporting gear, stretching his legs.
"I was worried you would never get up!" Sonic smiled. "Are you ready honey?"
Tails' and Sonic's driveway suddenly sprawled into a fantastical extending forest path with a gleaming sunset rising in the horizon. Tails didn't know if this was real...but he didn't know if that mattered. He took Sonic's hand and smiled back, "I'm always ready."
Rick went after Tails. Suddenly, he was on stage at the Golden Globes in his finest suit, and stranger than that, he innately got the sense that this was a reality where the Golden Globes were actually respected by the public. He was being called up by the host to accept his award. Before he could think, Morty pushed him on stage.
"Rick," the host smiled, "you have managed to make every single season of Rick and Morty interesting somehow, by doing the same old tortured asshole routine for twenty-three seasons!"
"Twenty-three seasons?" Rick gasped. Even he was in disbelief.
"Yes, your show's fandom has grown so large that they are literally committing acts of domestic terrorism in your name!"
"Wow..." Rick trailed off, flattered.
Hermione and Draco went next. In a flash, both of them were shown an entire lifetime together. They went on dates, got married, settled down, had kids, and grew old together.
When they both died of old age on their porch, holding hands in their creaky rocking chairs, the simulation they were being kept in prematurely ended.
"What was that?!" Draco shuddered, grappling with the existentialism of having an entire lifetime torn away from him all at once without warning.
"I think it was meant to simulate our greatest desires..." Hermione presumed. "It imagined you and me living a whole life together!"
"But I'm gay," Draco yelled to the room.
"And I'm straight, but like, not for Draco," Hermione shouted.
A voice on an intercom answered back. It sounded like Shadow the Edgehog very poorly trying to disguise his own voice.
"So, just to be clear, what you just saw in the simulation wasn't your fantasies?"
"...No?" they both answered.
"...Shit," Shadow cursed. "Well, you're trapped there anyway. It would take an event of ridiculous proportions to ever upset me or this program so you're just gonna stay there forever. Get fucked."
"Dammit!" Draco frowned. "I can accept that I'll be imprisoned here until I starve, but now I don't even have my Yu-Gi-Oh! collection to comfort me!"
"Shut up, Draco," Hermione sighed.
Ron was last and tried to enter the hatch, but a sticky note materialized onto its surface which read, 'lol gays not allowed in Shadow's clubhouse'. Ron crumpled it up and wailed in anguish.
Shadow monitored his adversaries as they played out their basest dreams from a complex surveillance interface. He was able to isolate each of the would-be heroes and project their whatever their hearts desired. They wouldn't just be trapped in secure state-of-the-art prison cells…they would never want to leave! Except for Hermione and Draco, but oh well, fuck them.
Shadow checked in on John's fantasy. Things were getting steamy with Asuna. She had just finished removing his pants and- Shadow gasped, astonished.
"No way it's that big," Shadow muttered. "Absolutely no fucking way."
Shadow was only taking quick glances at it because he wasn't gay, of course, but it just was not believable in the slightest how massive it was. It must've been a trick!
Inadequacy and insecurity began to smother Shadow. He soothed himself with what he had learned from those one-on-one therapy sessions with Dr. Richard.
"You do great things everyday Shadow," he repeated to himself. "No reason to get hung up on something like this, you've won!"
But as Shadow said, 'hung up', it only reminded him just how hung John was. It wasn't fair!
Shadow hesitated, then succumbed to his jealousy and pushed the button that ended every simulation in every prison cell. After the initial confusion passed, every one of his 'inmates' noticed the security camera watching them.
"Alright," Shadow grabbed the intercom. "What in the actual fuck?"
Everyone stayed silent. They had no context for what was going on.
"How is it that big?!" Shadow furled his eyebrows. "That's just...ridiculous."
"How is what so big?" John asked, zipping his pants up.
"Your dick, man!" Shadow exploded. "It's huge!"
"Oh," John said, feeling uncomfortable. "No, I'm pretty confident I'm just above average."
"No! The size of yours compared to mine...it's fucking unbelievable!"
"Why were you looking at it man? ...That sounds pretty gay."
"I'm not gay! I just want to know how it's so big!" Shadow snapped. He paused, "I'm not gay!"
"I don't know, maybe yours is just abnormally small. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"No it's not! It's perfectly serviceable!"
"You've got issues, man."
"Fuck you!"
Shadow yanked a giant lever down on his control panel. Everyone teleported from their prison cells into an arena. Shadow was waiting for them, triggered and armed with his shotgun.
"Fucking one v. one me you assholes!" he snarled.
"Alright team, this is it," John took point. Everyone got into a defensive position. Shadow just stood there and grinned, his shotgun resting by his side.
"You can't win," Shadow laughed. "None of you can beat me in pure edge!"
John ran at Shadow, throwing shurikens as he imitated Jojo stances, but Shadow dodged them with ease. He hit John with the end of his shotgun and John tumbled to the ground.
"Even when you were a brooding vampire you weren't edgy enough to take me on!" he taunted.
"But I am!" Hermione stepped forward.
"You?" Shadow cackled. "The sweet little know-it-all from your oh-so privileged magic school? What could have possibly happened to you that would make you more edgy than me?!"
Hermione pointed her wand at herself. She muttered something under her breath. A red mist overtook her and when it faded away she flaunted a completely new style. White goth face makeup, nose and lip rings, spike collar, black hair with thin red highlights, skull t-shirt, dagger earrings, etc. Her transformation left everyone in shock.
"What makes me more edgy than you?" she began. "I'll tell you, Shadow. It's pretty simple: I got friendzoned by John multiple times!"
Shadow gasped. He dropped his shotgun and yeeted off towards his motorcycle.
Hermione flicked her wand and used her newfound Wiccan magic to levitate Shadow back to the group. He was powerless compared to her.
Hermione locked eyes intimately with John, then back to Shadow.
"I banish you," she smirked, "to the Shadow Realm!"
A violet portal opened up in front of her and Shadow was subsequently sucked into it, screaming desperately for help along the way.
It was over. The group heard a blood-curdling cry from outside the Death Sphere. The furries sensed that their master was lost. Their ranks would dissipate and thus no longer pose a threat to other dimensions. It was over.
John walked over to the new Hermione and kissed her passionately. Hermione gave herself up. He stepped back and judged the quality of their second kiss, keeping proper character development in mind.
"7/10" he winked, and turned away.
Hermione wiped away tears of joy. "I'll take it," she smiled.
Everyone hugged one another and prepared to go back to their respective home dimensions. A fairy tale ending, or was it…?
Chapter 6: The Real Treasure Was the John & Friends We Made Along the Way
Tails went to Hogwarts and after some time paired himself with Ron, and later Draco. They would continue to have wild, utterly revolting sex, and Harry would be forgotten by literally everyone.
Rick went back to his own dimension and continued to make a hit melodramatic animated series that would tease Evil Morty for five more fucking years, goddamn Harmon.
Hermione also went back to Hogwarts, but under her new persona: Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.
John returned to his McMansion on the Finnish coast, mourning for the rest of his life his lovely and virtuous Asuna Yuuki, who he would never get the chance to be with again. Until later retconned by the unnecessary sequel, that is...