Angst 14 - "Am I not good enough?" / "I'm not good enough."

For timsleoni

This prompt covers miscarriage, if this is not for you then please don't read. I'm not sure that H/E have ever canon had a miscarriage however I remember reading one or two fics that covered them experiencing one.

This is also for every person that has experienced pregnancy loss. XxX

May 2000

The clock on the bedside cabinet flicked to 04:02am, the light from the analog clock barely illuminating the couple who were peacefully asleep. They were wrapped up in each other's arms, breathing deeply and completely at peace.

Elizabeth started to become aware of stomach cramps, adjusting her position to try and alleviate the pain that persisted. No position that she moved to helped and Henry soon became aware of her wriggling and sat up in bed, gently reaching out to her with his hand to rouse her from her fitful sleep.

"Babe, are you ok?" He said softly, his voice thick with concern. He gazed down at her, hair splayed across her face he noticed a slight grimace in her expression. His hand rubbed her arm, that was wrapped around her stomach, as he more forcefully said "Elizabeth, babe… what's going on?"

This roused her and her eyes flickered open and she searched for Henry. "Henry?" She called, her voice cracking as she felt another cramp ache through her stomach.

"I'm right here babe" he took her in his arms, holding her tight, hoping to shield her from whatever nightmare she was experiencing.

The movement caused Elizabeth to notice how warm and wet she felt in between her legs, her hand shot down under the covers as she hurriedly said "turn the light on Henry"

As the light illuminated the room, bathing the room in a warm glow, Elizabeth pulled her hand back out to find her fingers covered in blood. The bright red a stark contrast to their bed sheets.

Henry and Elizabeth both felt instantly sick, a heavy weight pulling them both down through a mix of emotions

"Oh my god, the baby?" They both whispered.

…..

Three weeks had passed and Elizabeth had started to feel a little better about everything. With two young children and work she didn't really have time to mourn the loss of their pregnancy. As she sat in the bathroom waiting for the pregnancy test to confirm she was no longer pregnant, she thought back over the Doctor appointment straight after the bleed.

"Miscarriage is very common in early pregnancy"

"It's nothing that you did"

"This happens all the time, most people don't realise that they have a miscarriage unless they were actively trying for a baby"

She once again tried to seek comfort in the Doctors words and failed to find it there. She understood how the doctor was just trying to reassure both Henry and herself however, it wasn't common for them. It must of been something I did, was it because we had sex? Again, Elizabeth tried to remember the doctor telling them that having sex in early pregnancy is absolutely fine and did not cause the miscarriage. Again, she couldn't find the comfort she needed. So, she sought Henry out, finding him in his office marking papers.

As soon as she entered his eyes met hers she felt herself let go. She let go of all the angst she was feeling in her body, she let all the tears fall freely and she finally felt as though she was beginning to mourn what had happened.

Henry shot up and gathered her in his arms, whispering words of love and reassurance to her. When Elizabeth's cries allowed her to speak she drew a breath in a allowed herself to wonder aloud

"Am I not good enough?"