Author's Note: Hi everyone! This is my first fanfic, even though I've had this story brewing in my head for the better part of five years. I decided I just needed to get it OUT of my head and somewhere I could see it, be proud of it, and maybe intrigue others. I'm writing this work out of complete angst for my OTP-Kakasaku, not because I own Naruto. If you're feeling generous pls leave a review! Thanks!

The sun had yet to meet the sky as Sakura's shoes softly padded against the street. It had rained at some point in the night, the residual dew creating a light mist that danced through the village as she passed sleeping houses and closed businesses. It was early, but it always was when Sakura head to the hospital. She had come to be known as somewhat of a workaholic. Naruto and Shikamaru deduced it down to the fact that she didn't trust anyone else to lead the hospital, and while that was partially true, she found the only solace for heartbreak was distraction. And work was the ultimate distraction. If there wasn't civilians piling in for a myriad of insignificant ailments then it was life-saving medical work that needed to be performed for returning shinobi or ANBU. And after the quiet of the day, when nurses and the other staff went home to be with their families or sleep, Sakura holed up in her office to work through the piles of paperwork left behind from the day. She was quick and methodical and usually this only took her a few hours, the latest she'd ever leave was 1 am but she still found herself unable to sleep on some nights, her mind drifting back to a time where a certain person's body lay curled next to her. His breath coming out in heavy snores, something she never seemed to mind. His hair had grown almost white over time and would look like snow across her pillow. The memory tugged at her heart, but over the past year she had been able to learn to push it down. He had spent just over a year avoiding her and she in turn found herself keeping a routine so she wouldn't have to bump into him surprisingly. The hospital, her house, Naruto and Hinata's, Ino and Sai's, the flower shop, and the grocery store that Choji owned were the main places she'd stop by, subconsciously making her mark and Kakashi took that as a sign. If you're going to avoid me then I claim these spots. Find your own. And he had. She had caught glimpses of him at Ichiraku with the guys, he frequented Kunai the shinobi bar, and he stuck to the south part of town where the trees were bigger and the leaves more shady than the other parts so he could escape into Icha Icha instead of face his own issues. She sighed and shook her head for a second as she arrived to the hospital. Her office door was still closed, a sign that no one had needed her to overlook anything during the night or early morning shifts. The nurses were huddled at their station, some filling paperwork out while they listened to a coworker gab, one was on the phone with her husband giving him instructions about their son's school schedule for that day, and one was painting her nails-a sign that all their patients were stable and in good shape.

She peered over at the vitals board and looked over each patient's name and the nurse's scribbling of the time, looking down at her watch it read 5:47. Down the row each patients vitals were recent and within healthy guidelines-4:48, 4:18, 5:01, 3:42-before surgery, 4:57. She sighed, her nurses were more than capable and hard working meaning she rarely had to micromanage which used to make her happy, but now she felt herself feeling annoyance for not having something to do when she came in but she brushed it away, chiding herself for feeling so foolish. It was her choice to come in so early-she could've stayed home to sleep or relax or do the ever mounting piles of laundry that were slowly taking over her guest room but she found herself wanting the safety of her office. In her office she could bury herself in the millions of tasks the head of the hospital had to do, in her office she could ignore the world outside and pretend that she was fine, she could avoid the prying eyes of her friends and the useless conversation that would only irritate. So many people had tried to talk with her, comfort her, but they didn't even know the full story. But she couldn't exactly blame them for that.

In the quiet she found her eyes drifting to the pictures that hung on her lilac walls. Her and Ino with Ino's first child. Her and Tsunade when she was awarded The Bleeding Heart, the highest achievement a doctor could be granted, earning it after she had stayed up all night directing a group of individuals when two ANBU units came in on the brink of death. All ten of them survived against insane odds due to her quick thinking and innovative perspective. Tsunade said that was the moment she felt confident to step down and let Sakura take the reins of the hospital. She was 23 when that happened and she remembered the look of unadulterated pride in Tsunade's face, a woman who was hellbent on keeping a poker face had tears streaming down her cheeks. Next, her eyes roamed over to another picture, one of Hinata and her at Sakura's 25th birthday, both of them tipsy when it was shot, Naruto off to the side with his arms slung around Hinata's shoulders with his signature grin plastered on his face, holding up a peace sign to whomever was taking the picture. In the corner background Shikamaru, Ino, and Sai were peeking over Sakura's shoulder all of them making funny faces. She found herself smiling until she remembered who had taken that picture. Kakashi had been adamant about not being in the picture, he wasn't a fan of them but offered to take everyone else's. That was the night they kissed for the first time. Everyone had left Kunai's but her and Kakashi, he offered to walk her home and they bantered the whole way there. She had snuck his copy of Icha Icha from his pocket and persuaded him to take a birthday picture with her. He relented and she remembered pressing her chest flush against his as he arm extending out in front of them and clicked the pictures. After he lowered the camera she took it from him only to find his eyes still fixated on her. They had been dancing around their feelings for months at that point and all she remembered was the heat of the kiss, her desire swirling in her head as she was finally sated by him.

That was almost three years ago. Sighing, she opened the top drawer to her left to find the picture from that night tucked away. She didn't know why she tortured herself by keeping it, maybe because a part of her wanted to keep it to remind her that it was real. They loved each other and the two years between them had really happened. She ran her fingers over Kakashi's face on the glossy print, Sakura had pulled down his mask, his perfect teeth and dimples gracing the camera. Sakura was mid-laugh, her hand placed on his collarbone. Hurriedly placing the picture back in her drawer and shutting it with a little too much force, she willed herself to get on with her day and forget. The past year had wrecked her. At some point she stopped crying, grew bored with lying in bed all day. She had spent three months drinking her sorrow away before she grew sick of that too and traded her bottles for her seal and began storing her chakra away once again. She told herself she was healed, but Inner Sakura knew better. She wasn't healed, only numb but numb felt a hell of a lot better than heartbreak. Her 28th birthday was just around the corner, the first birthday she'd ever celebrate without Kakashi since she was 12-oh and her 18th and 19th when he had been away on diplomatic missions. Closing her eyes and leaning back in her desk chair she put the heels of her palms to her eyes,

Whatever god is listening up there, can you please send me something for my birthday? Just something to take my mind off Kakashi for fucking ONCE…

Thinking of how ironic whatever god was she quickly added,

Not a death though. That's not what I mean. No death. I can't take another one.. Please.

And with that she sighed and grabbed one of the folders on her desk to quality check it, pushing Kakashi out of her mind and burying herself in work. Numb.

It was karaoke night at Kunai. Kakashi hated karaoke night. But being here listening to morons belt out tunes was a hell of a lot better than holing up in his apartment all night by himself. Tenzou had been pestering him for the better part of the last year to sleep around, get over the tragedy the way he'd always done it before. Gimlets and girls. But Tenzou didn't understand, none of them understood because no one knew anything. That had been their mutual agreement when it had all began. No labels, no public declarations, no pressure. But Kakashi had known since before that night even that he committed to her. He had been head over heels in love for at least two years prior to the night of her 25th birthday but never acted on it for a variety of "very valid" reasons: there was the teacher/student thing. He was thirty-seven, fourteen years to her twenty-three, and it had only been a year since Sasuke had deserted the village yet again. They weren't together when he left, or even prior to that. There was a lot of "will they/won't they" speculated amongst multiple groups but Sakura had turned away from him, choosing to invest in her medic career, graduating from First Tier at the age of 22, a celebration that Kakashi had been apart of.

He remembered finding himself gazing at her more than once during her celebration party, drinks passed around and people clamoring to hug her and congratulate her. Her youthful exuberance lit up the entire room. Her hair had been pulled up in a loose knot fastened with one of those pick hangy things with some pearls that dangled off. Everything about her seemed to compliment who she was. She was dressed simply, almost too simply for a party centered around her but he couldn't take his eyes off her smile or her eyes that were crinkled in a smile or laugh majority of the night. That was probably the first time he felt attraction to her. She was long past the goofy, annoying twelve year old that tripped over Sasuke's every move. She had surpassed the insecure teenager who doubted her own strength and ability even though she had proved her worth during countless missions, many of which Kakashi witnessed first hand either has the person she saved or the leader of the platoon. No, she was a woman now confident in her abilities, mindful of the way men were around her, and doting on her loved ones, something Kakashi found himself feeling privileged to be counted as.

As the evening started winding down people began leaving to go home, some dragging their inebriated partners along, poor Hinata being one of them. Naruto had practically thrown himself over Kakashi with tears in his eyes, murmuring about how Jiraiya would always be his sensei, but Kakashi was there first-even if only for a year. He wasn't sure why, but something about that struck a nerve with him. He found himself subconsciously looking for Sakura but couldn't find her. He decided she probably slipped out with her friends to go hit up a bar with anyone feeling up to it afterwards and made his way out of the courtyard the party had been hosted in. On the steps to exit he caught a whiff of her shampoo, mingled with the undeniable scent of salty tears. He found her and Sasuke on a bench tucked away from the main walkway, the moon illuminating Sakura's hair so it looked a silky lavender. Sasuke's features were dark per usual, his face fixed in his typical scowl. He said something that made Sakura still for a moment before standing and replying. Sasuke looked away and nodded at her response. And Sakura only walked away, not sparing a second glance at him. Kakashi hid himself well in the shadows, unable to pull himself away from the snooping as he watched Sasuke stand and walk over to the stone wall opposite of him. The salty tears Kakashi smelled were his, not Sakura's. The young Uchiha stood in front of the wall for a long awhile before screaming out in anger and punching it with all his might, indenting it and causing cracks to web out.

Kakashi had later found out he had proposed marriage to Sakura and she had promptly denied. Her reasons unsaid and Sasuke left the village, in search for something to soothe his battered soul. And Sakura stayed in the town, happy, bubbly, working away at the hospital seemingly unbothered by his departure-which intrigued Kakashi for reasons still unknown to him. He found himself pulled to her aura. When he'd see her at the market, he made his way over to start a conversation, ask how she was doing, and at times carry the load for her back to her home. On some days she'd offer to make lunch for the two for the two of them, the first few times he accepted but then promptly began making his excuses. He found that he laughed too easily in her company sitting at her dining room table. He had fallen asleep after one particularly filling meal on her couch, her immaculately clean couch with TEN throw pillows. He was too comfortable and he was unsure why, but it set him on edge. But he couldn't help himself. More often than not he found himself at dinners with her at Ichiraku or her favorite restaurant, a new joint called "Roll" that served whimsical sushi dishes. On weekends they found a new routine where they'd meet for coffee and stroll through the park. On more than one occasion she had been the medic to receive him after a dangerous mission, and even when he returned from one uneventful he found himself knocking at her door where she'd meet him with a glass of water and her cooling hands roaming his body in search of injury. Those nights led to her dragging him to her guest room, tucking him into her sheets that smelled so much like her clothes-honeysuckle and cinnamon.

And so Kakashi found himself in a predicament after two years of feeling a constant need to be around her and finally admitted to himself begrudgingly that he had fallen in love with her. He had tried desperately to force space between them, but when duty would not push them back together, Sakura would find him-demanding why he was avoiding her, at first threatening him with her anger that only amused him and fueled the love he had recently realized he had. Towards the end of his struggle she admitted it hurt her, she felt like he was abandoning her and she cared about him too much to replace the hole he was forcing her to face in her life. After that it was no longer an issue. He stayed, placed his guilt and shame aside, and forced himself to act controlled. She was a tender twenty-three years old and did not need the burden of a broken man being infatuated with her. Nonetheless one that was her former teacher, no matter how little of time he had actually taught her.

He told himself that his own feelings were painting her actions towards him in a more romantic way then they really were. After dinner, when they'd sit on her couch or take a stroll to get Sakura some sweets from the street carts he thought she would press her body against him. On more than one occasion their hands had brushed but she never said anything, her face never giving way to the inner workings of her mind. And on one odd morning, Kakashi had leaned against her counter chopping vegetables while Sakura nursed a cup of tea. She had been absent from the hospital for four days, highly unlike her, and he had ventured over to find her nearly comatose with a bad bout of the flu. Her hair was mussy, her eyes swollen, lips chapped, and Kakashi felt nothing more than wanting to kiss her. He had said something funny, cracked some eggs into a pan of hers after sauteeing the vegetables to turn back to find her gazing up at him. She seemed to be studying him with a gaze so fierce and warm that it penetrated him. He wanted to look away but his body wouldn't let him. He was able to muster a small smile and ask what she was thinking to which she only replied,

"Thank you for coming to check on me."

In that moment, he realized she had always been the person to give more in every single one of her relationships. She quite literally gave away herself at the hospital on a daily basis and still found time to stop by Ino and Sai's to see her adopted niece at least once a week. She always found time to have a cup of coffee with Hinata or bring Naruto lunch so they could spend time together, even if it was just to eat and go over the budgets. Even with Sasuke, he had come back to Konoha a few times after he had left and he found her packing a bento or first aid kit, something the young man silently accepted. But was anyone checking on her? Did they think this capable and efficient young woman just had everything together? Even those who excelled needed some help or reassurance, Kakashi knew that all too well. Staring back into her jade eyes he knew all he wanted to do the rest of his life was take care of her.

Kakashi squeezed his eyes shut at the memories, signaling to the bartender for another gimlet. Most days it was easier to put his mind at ease, but the past few days he had been jittery and on edge and he knew it was because Sakura's birthday was only a couple days away. The first birthday he wouldn't be there to see her dance with her friends and walk her home, lay her down in her bed and kiss every single part of her body that he knew was only promised for him. He looked up to survey the room. Anko and Kurenai stood in the corner, talking about something light-heartedly judging by the smiles on their faces. Gai and Tenzou were drunk and getting ready to take their turns on the stage, signaling to Kakashi that it was time to leave.

The night air felt better than the bar but still held a heat that was too uncomfortable for being so late. Kakashi pulled at the collar of his shirt to relieve some of sweat and then began walking down the street opposite of his apartment. He needed a walk to clear his mind. She was too heavy on it today. Curving down familiar roads he was plagued with memories of the two of them in coffee shops and restaurants, her arm tucked into his, him putting in on the small of her back, her leaning into him when the streets were empty and they felt like there was no one else but the two of them in the whole world. Turning another corner he saw many businesses were closing up as eleven surged by. He must have been so entranced by his thoughts because he was surprised to see none other than Sakura herself standing at a late night food stand, her hands carrying a large paper boat stacked full of greasy chicken nachos, cheese dripping everywhere. He stood, frozen for a moment as he watched her laugh and attempt to curb the cheese back into the boat to no avail. She was with a man-a handsome one at that. He recognized him, the new director of dermatology, a civilian who moved here from Waterfall. He had thick black hair that parted on the side, his facial features handsome but Kakashi felt were forgettable. Whether or not he thought that because he envied him he wasn't sure. The man was sharing in Sakura's laugh and taking a napkin to wipe the side of the boat up before taking a chip, something that Sakura did not find acceptable because she swiped it out of his reach with a faux scowl on her face. He only laughed more and held his own meal out to her, a gyro, of which she took a bite off of without taking it from his hands.

Kakashi suddenly felt like he was barging in on something intimate, the same way he felt when he had seen her and Sasuke talking five years ago, but found himself so annoyed that she was so wrapped up in her conversation with Dermo Doc that she couldn't even feel his chakra signature even though he was definitely emitting it. Sighing, realizing how childish he was being he forced himself to walk across the street and away from Sakura and her date. He had been the one to end things after all, he had no right to be angry, selfish, or jealous. It had been a year and he couldn't expect her to just wait around forever. The very reason he had never acted on his feelings before was because he didn't want her wasting her youth on someone like him.

So he did what he felt was best and headed home. Unlocking the door to his modest apartment, setting his keys on the counter before drudging to the bathroom to shower. After he stepped out, he stood in the heat of the steam feeling somewhat depressed as he stared at himself in the mirror becoming plagued with images of Sakura once again. Her brushing her hair after an incredibly sensual night. Her brushing her teeth with her hair slicked up, just returning from doubles at the hospital about to crash. Her putting on makeup while she hummed to herself as they got ready for a night out. She was everywhere to him. She was everything to him. That had become apparent in this past year with her aching absence.

Her aching absence that YOU caused…

Kakashi turned from the mirror annoyed, he didn't need that voice within himself making him feel more shitty than he already did. He knew what he had done.

Sighing, he dried his hair the best he could with his towel, not bothering to get dressed or wait for his mop to dry before sliding into bed. Turning to his side he reached over to turn off his lamp before the picture on his nightstand caught his eye. Slowly he gripped the edge of the frame and brought it closer to his vision. She had been so drunk that night and adamant about them taking a picture together,

"Kakashi! We have NO pictures together. Just the two of us. ZERO. It's my birthday, I feel like you owe it to me to oblige."

Unable to stop himself, a small, sad smile crept across his face. Her eyes were crinkled as she laughed, her hand on his collarbone after she had slid down his mask. He loved that picture, and he loved coming home to it when she was away or too busy to come back to him in the evenings. He could've replaced It months ago, probably should've replaced it. The picture had caused two women to leave his apartment thinking that he was a cheater but at the end of the night, he found himself almost thankful. He hadn't wanted to fuck anyway, he just wanted to forget. And it wasn't fair to use someone just because he was in pain. And that's why he stayed away from skin and drowned himself in shots instead. He reached back over to the nightstand, carefully placing the picture of he and Sakura In its original place, turning off the light.

I'll replace it tomorrow.

He told himself. The same lie he soothed himself with every night for the past six months.