Author's Note: Hi again! Thanks for the couple of reviews I've received. I apologize for the structuring on the last couple chapters, I'm going to go back and fix it. I didn't realize that it was so different from Word to uploading here, whenever I read on the site I guess I'm too wrapped up in the story. Anyway, a little bit of a background chapter but things will be picking up next chapter. Thanks!

It had been the summer after Sakura had turned twenty- two. Kakashi had been given a break from missions, why he wasn't sure but it had been a nice change of pace. He was able to get his apartment cleaned up, spent some free time reading Icha Icha, and on nights where he visited the memorial and couldn't sleep, he found himself at Sakura's who was almost always awake working through files or her laundry with a pot of tea and a smile. Their relationship had blossomed into something he found himself not entirely sure of or comfortable talking about, but he knew that he had spent every day he was in the village with her for some period of time for the past two years.

On that particular day he had been walking back from the grocery store with a few things he was going to "casually" drop off at Sakura's when he swung by that evening but ran into one of the nurses he knew from the hospital,

"Oh, good evening Hamura-san."

Hamura was an older woman with pretty black hair that was beginning to grey. She looked at him with eyes mixed with concern,

"Kakashi-san, I'm so glad I ran into you…I don't know if this is something I should be sharing but Sakura was charge to a pair of ANBU and, well, she lost one of them."

Kakashi stilled,

"Thank you for telling me, that is something I would want to know."

He was already heading to Sakura's house but he picked up speed, knowing that she was probably beating herself over the head for the loss of her patient. And after he thought of it for a moment, he realized this was the first shinobi patient she had lost since being in the hospital.

Zooming around a corner he bumped into none other than the Hokage herself who sported a set of tired eyes and purple bags to match,

"Hatake, watch where you're going."

She said in her usual brash way but lacking the aggressive tone. Th day had been rough on both of them it seemed. She noticed the bags of groceries in his arms, Sakura's favorite brand of tea peeking out of the top and raised a brow,

"Good luck."

And then she was whizzing past him, making way to her favorite liquor store.

He remembered feeling weird walking to Sakura's, not because he was going but because he felt anxious to get there quickly. He knew Sakura was capable, she had been for a long time now. She hadn't let Sasuke's rejection or his and Naruto's finesse as shinobi deter her from being the best that she could be. She wasn't from a famous bloodline; she didn't have a tailed beast locked up in her. But she was an excellent healer, she could control her chakra with precision that was rivaled only by Tsunade herself. And that was because Tsunade had been the girl's TRUE teacher. She stopped caring if anyone saw her as overpowered and became confident in the things she could do well.

Kakashi knew that he had been the world's worst teacher and that's why Sakura felt she had to cut her losses and move on to someone who would be there, someone who was not Kakashi. And now, ten years later he was stalking across the village trying to be by his ex-students side and for what? Future him knew it was because he obviously had feelings for her, even if he wasn't consciously aware. When you're with someone for so long, when they become such an instrumental part of your life and being, do you really remember when the love switched from platonic to romantic? Or did they just start interweaving because it feels natural?

When he made it to Sakura's street the sun was dipping into the horizon, welcoming a canvas of deep indigo to spread across the sky. Sakura's house was void of any lights as he crossed through her fence and knocked at the door.

"Sakura-chan?"

No answer. He tapped a bit harder,

"Sakura? Come open the door it's Kakashi."

He had heard shuffling in her living room but no answer,

"Sakura if you don't open up this fucking door I'm going to kick it down."

Quiet footsteps pattered behind her bright orange door,

"You wouldn't dare.."

Kakashi had only chuckled before he heard the clicking of the lock with the door swinging wide open.

She stood there, in green sweats and grey tank, her long pink hair thrown carelessly into a bun on the top of her head. Her posture was slumped and she looked beyond tired-she looked completely consumed in grief and failure. Her eyes had been swollen, her nose red from constantly wiping it,

"Why are you here, Kakashi?"

He hadn't known how to answer that in the moment. He was never good with words or emotion, especially when Sakura had been younger. But he found that as she grew and became a force to be reckoned he grew to respect her in ways he never thought possible. Her anger, her ability to still cry after seeing so many hard things caused deep admiration for her ability to stay connected to her feelings.

He was different, weaker, he felt than her. Rather than process he just shut up and shut off. Being friends with her had made him think that maybe the stronger of the two was embracing it all, rather than becoming hardened. He stared back at her blankly before managing to stutter out,

"I bought you that ginger peach tea you like. I took the last tea bag remember?"

Eyeing him up and down she opened the door wider and gestured into her home and he stepped through the door. He spent most of the evening letting her tell what she could of the story.

Two ANBU had been dispatched earlier that month and had returned, one barely breathing and the other pretty banged up but savable. Tsunade had expended much of her chakra trying to knit together one of their chests that had been all but completely ripped open,

"I was holding his heart in my hands. I thought if I could strengthen the heart, the areas around it that I could work my way backwards somehow."

She explained to him. They had sat at her kitchen table for hours, each of them nursing cups of black coffee. Kakashi felt for the first time that he found common ground with her, other than their bonding during the war. He told her about Rin and how he felt her heart stop when his fist went through her chest. How sometimes he could still feel the warm, squished organ in the crevices of his hand at the oddest moments. She had stared at him, burrowing into his soul with those incredibly green eyes.

She had gotten up to get creamer out of the fridge but stilled once it was open. She stood there for an abnormally long period of time before she uttered out so quietly that anyone other than Kakashi wouldn't have been able to decipher what she said,

"Does the guilt ever go away?"

Kakashi sighed and suddenly felt very warm. His mask was pooled around his neck and he had removed his normal green jacket, but sweat still beaded at his neckline and on his forehead,

"No. But you learn to live with it."

WAM! Her coffee cup went sailing from her hand into the opposite wall completely shattering, leaving a large hole,

"How the FUCK am I sitting here having coffee?! I've been through war! I've seen people die before!"

Within seconds, Kakashi was next to her as she struggled to stand. He maneuvered her out of the way of her fridge door and unthinkingly pulled her close. She had her arms wrapped so tightly around his middle that any civilian would've been overwhelmed by her strength, but he said nothing as she clung to him, using him as an anchor too scared that her grief would drown her,

"I couldn't save him Kakashi. It was supposed to be different," she inhaled sharply, her breath stuttering as she struggled to do the simple task, "I didn't have an excuse. I wasn't in the field. I had an entire HOSPITAL at my disposal and I COULDN'T SAVE HIM!"

Her sobs finally took over her body and Kakashi just held her as she exhausted herself. He knew she needed the release. He had never given himself the time for Rin or Obito and it came out in so many destructive ways…alcohol, women he avoided later, suicide missions he'd somehow survived. After she got through the bulk of the sobbing he steered her off to her room and helped her climb into bed. He sat at the edge for a bit, watching her stare off into space before she whispered,

"Thank you for telling me about Rin…I'm sorry that you had that experience. I'm sorry that she died."

His gut wrenched as he remembered his chidori and her terrified, thankful eyes,

"It happened a long time ago."

Sakura reached out for his hand that was close to her hip over the blanket,

"That doesn't make the hurt any less real or painful, Kakashi."

He could only stare back at her,

"I know."

He and Sakura stayed in her room for nearly an hour, not saying anything. There was no pressure to do anything but stare off into space, Kakashi felt so comfortable and Sakura was slowly drifting off to sleep. He had peered over to her clock that read it was nearly two in the morning. He remembered feeling torn, he knew he should leave but didn't want to go,

"You can stay here tonight…if you want to."

She muttered sleepily. She'd been reading him like a book for a while now and could sense his hesitance to leave. He decided not to argue with the side of him that didn't want to leave and obliged her. Pulling off his socks, mask, and headband he had climbed into bed careful to leave an "appropriate" amount of space-although, there really wasn't anything appropriate about sharing a bed. Lines were being crossed and he wouldn't even face that for a few more years. Sakura laid on her side facing him and reached for his right hand at his side, intertwining her fingers with his and was fast asleep within seconds. Kakashi had laid in bed glancing at her every few minutes before he felt his own eyes becoming too heavy to keep open and he drifted into a blissful, dreamless slumber….

Kakashi's eyes slowly opened to filtered light that was pouring through a window he could tell wasn't his. He had black out curtains hung up in every space of his apartment so he would never run into a situation like waking to the sun blazing in his face. He sighed as he took in his surroundings and thought of that night six years ago, if he focused hard enough he could still smell her detergent on the sheets and hear her soft breathing as she laid on his chest that entire evening. Lately, his dreams had been a cycling of memories of him and Sakura, or Obito and Rin talking to him. He wasn't sure which one was worse, when his mind drew up memories of he and Sakura he was left with an ache that lasted for the entire day. But when he dreamt of Obito and Rin they never said much but wore faces marred with sadness and disappointment.

Why won't you let them in? Obito would ask.

You need to forgive, Kakashi. Ghost Rin would say admonishingly

He began to force himself to rouse from his position and face the mess he had created the night before. Looking over, he felt relieved to see the bed he was in devoid of any another sleeping body. The room was decorated tastefully with a chestnut brown wood platform frame holding the mattress that he was laying on, with a matching chest of drawers opposite the room. A feminine rug that was cream and blue lay on the floor creating a homey vibe, and houseplants littered every area that the sun could reach. The view of all the little terracotta pots punched him in the gut as he remembered Sakura's house filled with all the same viney plants clogging up windowsills and counterspace. Another memory bombarded him before he could stop it:

Can you run to my house and water the plants for me?

You can't be serious. You have at least 50 plants.

It's 42, and please Kakashi? Here take my key and just keep it. I need to go into surgery. The watering can is in the laundry room!

So, it was going to be like one of those days hm? He had them once every few weeks where the day was just memory after memory plaguing him. He knew it was probably due to the fact that he ran from processing anything at all for eight months and then still refused to face anything when he had gotten back. And the fact that it was Sakura's birthday, the first they were spending apart, was definitely adding to all the angst. But little moments brought back so many images of things that been imprinted in his brain. Prime example being his dream, or memory rather, was when he started realizing he had feelings for Sakura. He had left her house the next morning feeling somewhat ashamed but being unable to stay away from her. He had been too worried about her and he had showed up at the hospital with lunch and later to walk her home where they shared a greasy take out dinner and watched trash tv.

It irritated him that even small things like some fucking leaves could surface things he was trying so hard to repress. That had been the day he got a key to her house, the unspoken boundary they crossed that led to others being completely pummeled through. Fuck me…he thought to himself as he rubbed his hands a little too roughly over his face. He had kept his shirt and mask on but he was naked from the waist down. He had been pressured into going on a date with one of Kurenai's civilian friends and now he couldn't remember why he had even agreed to go. Maybe he was sad with what today was and wanted the distraction, or maybe he was a glutton for punishment and wanted to feel even more like shit than he already did. He figured it was the latter, the easiest choice of the two.

She had been a nice enough girl and held conversation well even if they had nothing in common. She didn't press about his line of work and he didn't mind listening to her talk about her job as an accountant. She had a very normal life, was kind, independent, and pretty. To anyone else but him she would've been a dream girl. But even after they paid their separate tabs, even after she invited him to her place, even as they were having sex on her living room floor…and her bathroom…and in her bed, all he could think about was how much he hated himself and how much he missed the feel of Sakura's skin. Deciding to face the consequences of his actions, he gathered his clothing he prayed to whatever god was listening that she wasn't in the kitchen cooking him breakfast or some shit, that was always so awkward.

When he came out of her room he found the apartment quiet, thank god. A note was left on the counter for him however,

Went for my run! Be back in a few!

He sighed and stood there for a moment. He felt bad just leaving her apartment in shambles so he cleaned up the living room the best he could but left her bedding alone. She could handle that how she wanted and then booked out of there. He was determined to be long gone before she returned from that run.

Kakashi's days weren't filled with much now. Things had slowed down significantly unless he directly asked Tsunade for a mission and they were always high ranking and took him away for a while. After he split from Sakura he took one that kept him away for five months thinking it would help him keep his mind off of her, but it didn't. He just found himself feeling anxious and depressed. He had always been quiet in the company of people not in his inner circle, hell he was even quiet with them. But this group of jounin were relatively new and they didn't know Kakashi well, and even they could tell he was just brooding the whole time.

When he returned to the village after that first extended mission and had delivered his report to Tsunade, he started walking home until he saw none other than Sakura across the street with a bag of groceries and a handsome fellow he'd never seen before. She didn't look overjoyed per se, but a small smile was creeping on her face and she seemed to be comfortable in his presence. He hadn't been back home an hour before he was walking back to Hokage Tower, freshly showered, new clothes stuffed in his pack. Tsunade raised a brow at him when he stood in front of her,

"You know…missions aren't going to solve whatever problem it is you're running from."

Kakashi's brow furrowed and he couldn't stop the hasty remark that left his mouth,

"A sake bottle won't either. So why don't we just let the other cope how we can."

The only sign that Tsunade was shocked was her mouth hardening into a thin line and her leaning back, tapping her fingers on her desk dangerously,

"Fine, here."

Kakashi wrapped his hand around the thick black scroll and began striding out, Tsunade cleared her throat,

"Being a complete asshole won't help you either, Hatake."

He had only stopped momentarily before he left the tower and was gone for another three months.

He had been back since November and he was itching to bolt again. Because that's how he handled things-isolation and running. But Tsunade had refused him every single time he had asked telling him to stop coming to her and she'd call him when she wanted. He sulked through the holidays feeling the ache of not being at Sakura's house watching her bake cookies and hum annoying Christmas tunes. Now it was March and he still felt empty as ever but had learned to compartmentalize his grief with Sakura the same way he did with everyone else. The only difference now was that he was lonely and had all the time in the world to stew. And that's how he found himself in a situation where he was bolting from Kurenai's really nice, simple friend's apartment.

As he got closer to his apartment he noticed Naruto and Sai walking towards him, waving their arms,

"Oi! Kakashi! We were looking for you."

Kakashi shoved his hands in his pockets but didn't reply. Sai eyed the silver haired man before stating,

"Sakura's birthday celebration is tonight. The girls are at brunch now but the rest of us are meeting up around eight to go out. You in?"

The mention of his pink haired ex stung and sent a pang of guilt running through his stomach once again. Oh yeah, you fucked some other girl on Sakura's birthday, way to go. Kakashi thought to himself, full of self-loathing,

"I'll see what I'm doing."

Not giving them an opportunity to respond he walked to his apartment, feeling comforted by the darkness of his space as he sunk down on the couch for a day of wallowing.