Another "It's Always Sunny" inspired chapter.

My workload is lightening up, so the chapter-release rate might increase.

Or not.

Who really knows, you know?

Day 8/30

A week had passed, and the storms of spring had finally come to water the land. Water poured down the windows of the penthouse, the wet weather trapping everyone inside. Well, almost everyone. The Lieutenant had forgotten to bring Adam inside before the storm started; when he went out to get him, the wind had almost carried him away. Considering how bulky he was, he figured his boss would be safer locked away in his doghouse than being dragged inside where people who hated him were.

The house itself was fairly quiet. The sound of rain seemed to soothe the spirits of many, and put quite a few to sleep. With so many locked away in their rooms, others decided to take advantage of the empty house and do things they normally wouldn't do.

"I can't believe you're reading that out here."

Looking up from his nudie magazine's centerfold, Mercury shrugged at Sun. The Faunus had walked in on him 'reading' his pornography on the lounge couch where anybody could see. Sun wasn't sure to praise his boldness or condemn it.

"Free country, Sun," Mercury said, closing his book and tossing it beside him, "How's it any different than Blake reading her smut?"

"Hers have words, not big naked pictures of women in them. If the girls see you with that out in the open, they'll lose whatever little bit of respect they had left for you."

"Hold up there, buddy," Merc pushed himself up straight, turning around to face Sun, "You really think the women in this house hate me?"

"Dude. You never look any of them in the face."

"Well, of course not. They have boobs for a reason."

"You prove my point."

Mercury laughed heartily, slapping Sun on the shoulder. "You're so naïve, Wukong. So, so naïve. You gotta look at their chest to show you're interested. It's all part of The System."

Wukong raised an eyebrow. "What system?"

"Oh, that's right. None of you know about The System."

"I'm not sure I want to know."

Clapping his hands together, Merc patted Sun on the back to urge him to the stairs. "Go get the other guys and bring them down here. I'm gonna change the way you all live with this. Trust me."

About ten minutes passed, and Sun had gathered Jaune, Ren, and the Lieutenant on the couch. Roman had refused to join them, preferring not to have Mercury's voice worsen his sickening headache he was still suffering from after yesterday. The four of them watched as Mercury opened up a slideshow on his laptop and hooked it up to the TV. With one click, his computer screen was synced up with the flat screen in front of them.

"So, what is this exactly?" Ren raised his hand, cocking his head at the letters on the TV.

"This, my friend," Mercury grinned, presenting the screen like a game show model would a prize, "Is the MERC System: The surefire way to score with any woman you meet."

"Goddammit," Sun cringed, pinching his brow. He knew from the beginning this was going to be terrible. Ignoring him completely, Mercury continued.

"I have performed these four simple steps on every woman I have ever had the pleasure of sleeping with. And let me tell you, I have not once been turned down. Combined with my natural charms, women cannot resist me."

His gullibility getting the better of him, Jaune raised his hand. "How many girls have you done this with?"

"More than I can count, pal. Some take much longer than others to win over, and some are still in progress, but they will succumb to the rules of nature eventually."

"Does this work on non-humans of both genders?" the Lieutenant followed.

"Yeah, sure. Why not?"

"You guys are really buying this?!" Sun stood up, throwing his arms out, "This can't possibly work!"

"How can you judge what you haven't yet heard?"

Merc had him beat. The monkey sat down with folded arms. "Please then. Tell us your wisdom."

"I will," Black clicked once, and a large M projected onto the TV, "Our first step is M: Manipulate with Kindness. What you do is talk the girl up, make them feel good about themselves. Say something like, 'Those are nice shoes,' or 'Nice tits,' or something like that. Girls like it when you say they dress nice, even if they look like crap. That way, they'll see you as a kind, compassionate person who cares about other people's feelings."

"So lie to them?" Ren confirmed.

"There is nothing wrong with lying if it benefits yourself. Remember, you're trying to get in the girl's pants, not ask them to marry you. If you're looking for that, then you can be truthful or whatever. I don't recommended it."

"Not like any girl would want to spend their life with you."

"Shut up, Sun."

The M turned to an E as Merc moved onto the second step.

"Now we reach E: Emphasize Attributes. You told the girl how good they look, now show them how good you look. Flex your muscles, say something smart, just do anything that makes you look like a 5-star man. Be as direct as possible. If they refuse to touch your muscles, just grab them by the hand and make them. Women like to feel submissive."

Jaune scratched his head in confusion. "Are you sure about that last part? A lot of the girls I know don't seem like that type… Now that I think about it, none of the girls in this house seem like that type."

"You'd be surprised at what women secretly desire, Jaune. Once you slap handcuffs on them, they'll bend to your every command."

Ren and Sun shared a worried glance. Something about that lacked a sense of consensual agreement.

"And now we reach R: Reach Around. Once the girl has touched you, she will automatically want you to touch her back. She won't be able to resist your masculinity, and will succumb to your exploring hands."

"What if they asked you to never touch them?" The Lieutenant queried, with pencil and notebook in hand. He was making sure to record every last word that came out of Mercury's lips. Surprisingly, this whole conversation was not reminding him of Adam's own 'plan' to seduce Blake.

Perhaps it was Merc's charisma that blinded him. Or the fancy slideshow graphics. It was one or the other.

"Excellent question," Black snapped his fingers, "In that case, return to Step E. Continue to display yourself to them until they have no choice but to give in. And once this step is done, you will have reached the final stage…"

The final slide popped on screen, accompanied by some animated fireworks.

"C: Climax. You will have successfully led the girl into your domain, and will bang like rabbits until you get bored with her. And there you have it: The MERC System."

Sun looked at the guys beside him, and then to Black. "Dude. There is no way, and I mean no way, that a woman has, or ever will, fall for that."

"You still doubt my skills?" Mercury shook his head in disappointment, "Then I'll just prove it to you. Give me the name of any girl in this house – any girl – and I will show you this system is flawless. I'll be in bed with them by midnight. If I fail, which I won't, then I'll do all of you guys' laundry for a week."

The four guys thought about it, and came to a mutual agreement. "Works for us."

"Good. Now, who's gonna be sleeping with a 5-star man tonight?"