Trigger Warning: Lots of mention of past rape in this chapter.

Sam leaned back in her bed, staring at her laptop on her lap. Her fingers laid on the keyboard as she tried to figure out what to type in.

They had spent the entire day so far just relaxing. They chose her bedroom and her bed to spend the day in and they were introducing Johnny to Netflix and all the tv shows that were on there. He liked Star Wars a lot and Sam enjoyed teasing him a bit at that.

Dean was still hesitant to approach him completely. He started to but then pulled back, forcing himself to stop and Sam would either keep talking for him or smack his arm to keep him in place.

But it was getting better for the both of them. Johnny was still a bit skittish but at the same time he wanted to get as close as he could to Dean, all but clinging to him when he wasn't clinging to her.

The both of them had gone to get lunch. Dean was making something and Johnny had gone with him to watch and learn how to cook more things, so she took these few moments being alone to do something she...maybe wanted to do.

Sam sighed, rubbing at her eyes as she moved her finger over the mousepad, making the screen lit up again. She went to google and just stared at it.

Slowly she started to type words out, immediately deleting it, and closing her eyes, shaking her head. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes once more, trying to at the very least type it out.

'How to get over rape.'

Sam shook her head and immediately deleted it, glancing up at the doorway as if either Dean or Johnny was about to appear there and ask what she was doing.

She looked back at the search engine, fingers hesitating.

'Pregnancy by rape.'

That didn't feel right either and she deleted it, leaning back against the headboard and trying to swallow the lump in her throat.

Could she even call it that? Was that what it had been? It hadn't even been about the sexual part, Luci- he didn't care about that. He wanted the power to be held over her, hold her life in his hands, mock her in that she was helpless in what he was doing to her.

The only reason it hadn't happened in the cage was because he lacked a body there, otherwise he would've done it there too.

'Is it rape if its not about sex?'

She deleted it again, noting that her fingers were shaking slightly and she curled them into a fist to try to steady them or at least hide what was happening.

What was she even looking for? She couldn't go to any support groups, her entire life had no place in a support group, let alone the last few months the last time she had been alive.

Maybe she was looking for advice? Advice of some sort of how to deal with everything?

But how could she deal with seeing those red eyes at the edges of her vision? How could she deal with the burning grace that seared her skin when he gripped at her back when she had been pregnant? How could she deal with those times he would throw holy water at her and just by having his child inside of her making her burn, laughing when she screamed?

The baby in the end always healed her. Always wiped all the pain away and healed her completely and that much gave her a bit of hope for the child. Despite being in pain she was still properly incubating the baby and therefore there had been no reason for it to heal her but...it still did. It healed her completely and entirely and at night when it was the worst, when the loneliness and fear overcame her entirely she was filled with a warmth and knowledge that she was not alone.

That was what made her have hope the most. The knowledge that the baby was healing her and trying to help as best as it could. It wasn't strong enough to kill Lucifer or do anything to him. But the child protected her from another yellow eyed demon, Daigon, that had tried to hurt her.

Towards the end Lucifer was the only one that had been able to call the child's power, growing more and more angry each time that he had to fight for it and would always try to take it out on her in any way that he could.

And when the time had come to give birth? Grace coursing through the air? By herself on the ground of an abandoned cabin with Lucifer staring at her?

Well...there aren't really any words for it truth be told.

But then Dean, Mary, and Cas had broken down the door, bursting in and armed to the tee. They had dragged Lucifer out and Dean had gone to her side, just holding her and whispering reassurances into her ear.

She remembered the pain. She remembered the feeling of being cracked into two.

She remembered hearing Mary scream outside and how Dean had hesitated and she had told him to go, check on them to make sure Lucifer hadn't killed them.

He hadn't wanted to but she pushed him, needing to know that they were alright. He had promised her that he'd be right back, running to make sure that they were fine.

But almost like a lever had been pulled. The moment Dean was gone the contractions had gone from bad to worse and before she knew it, it was time to give birth.

And she did. She gave birth on the floor of an abandoned cabin all alone in the worst pain since her time in the cage.

And then she died.

Sam closed her eyes, trying to maintain her breathing, tried to keep a rhythm in an attempt to not hyperventilate. When she opened her eyes again she was staring at the blank google search screen.

'How to get over rape'

She had already typed that she realized. She hadn't really looked at anything under that or any of that search so it didn't matter if she had typed it before, she wasn't actually getting anything.

Finally she retyped it and before she thought about it anymore she clicked enter and watched the articles appear on the screen. She forced herself to move down the page, yet yet opening any of them but reading the small excerpts that was there.

On the bottom were other possible searches and she looked those over too.

'Rape crisis center'

'Abortion after rape'

'Sex after rape'

'Why was I raped?'

Sam stared at the last one, that was something that had been ripping into her again and again, ever since Lucifer had taken her.

Where had he gotten the idea? He had never even mentioned a possibility at all in the past of nephilim. The beginning had been a blur, something she didn't want to remember.

Shaking her head, she looked at the last recommended search, feeling her chest tighten at it.

'How do I move on from being raped?'

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