My name is Zwei Rose-Xiao Long, and today I had thrust upon me a mission of the upmost importance.

Upon my exploration of the nearby wooded area residing on the boundaries of our humble abode in search of a proper place to dispose of my 'poopie nuggets' (as Master Ruby fondly refers to them as), I decided to take a side course to check up on the amusing duo of Uncle Qrow and his comrade I now refer to as Wizard. I know not much of this bespectacled fellow, other than that he is the headmaster of Master Ruby and Master Yang's academy and that he has a serious addiction to caffeine. I must say, each time I catch a glimpse of him within that van he is drinking that brown substance. It is quite unnerving, to a degree. Perhaps the man should consult a therapist for his constant consumption of the liquid before he begins injecting it into his bloodstream.

Regardless of this, it is these two in whom my mission was centered around. It appeared that during that frightening storm that ravaged the landscape last night, a large deciduous tree had fallen in front of their vehicular shelter's sole door, trapping them inside with no means of evacuation. I could tell from their frantic gestures towards myself that they were in dire need of my assistance, and being the reliable – and devilishly adorable and fluffy – Corgi that I am, I knew I had to oblige their cries for help.

But I must say the events that led up to their escape from that metallic dungeon surely were quite eventful. Allow me to recollect this most harrowing tale to you now.

Moments after departing to find assistance, I heard cries coming from the pool located just behind the flank of the home. It seemed that the Lightning Viking was up to her usual antics once more, as I heard her ecstatic voice cheering in that direction. In hopes of finding human assistance there, I took it on myself to investigate.

Unfortunately, I would find none there. The Lightning Viking had submerged herself into the shimmering waters to remove mounds upon mounds of mud she had coated herself with, and had disrupted the cleaning process of the Jade Ninja. For a fleeting moment I believed it was going to be the end of the spritely redhead, as the Jade Ninja prepared to beat her with the blunt end of a net. Luckily…

Well, I am not sure I can say lucky would best describe the following event. The Jade Ninja surely did not appreciate the action.

I had been well aware of the deprivable actions of Mr. Candle recently. He has become quite a thorn in the side of many house members recently, the Crimson Bitch being the biggest victim. I felt it was only a matter of time before he chose his next target; in this case that new victim was the Jade Ninja. While she continued to jab and strike at an elusive Lightning Viking, he had snuck his way down from his rocky perch and undid her bikini top in one swift motion of the hand. It took the Jade Ninja a few moments to realize she had been exposed, and turned towards a cackling Mr. Candle with a burning rage.

Never before had I seen such a brutal use of a cleaning pole in my short life. It is a sight I wish not to retell here. I must apologize for this omission, but if I was to speak of it you would understand my reason for doing this.

However, I must commend Chef's ability to pull the Lightning Viking out of the pool while concealing his eyes from the Jade Ninja's indecency. Such a chivalrous gentleman he is. I believe he is in need of yet another present. Perhaps I shall find him a larger bird this time.

Realizing I would find no assistance outdoors, I made my way inside as Miss Ice Cream burst through the door to investigate the commotion and shrieks of Mr. Candle coming from the backyard. I bounded into the lounge hoping someone would catch sight of my charming smile, but the only one around was Steel Toe. The gray-haired young man was not too fond of me after discovering the experiment I had performed on his metallic legs, so I felt it was best to leave while I still could.

Once I was a good distance away from him, I paused to consider my options and to rule out those who would not be willing or able to assist me in my quest. Master Ruby had come down with the nastiest of colds, and Master Yang was treating her sickness. Oh, how I adore the sisterly love my masters share. It is almost as great as that they show to me when I amuse them with my special Corgi dance. I believe the humans call it 'twerking'; I for one find that it is a degrading term to the majestic movements of my fluffy behind. Eventually a word will be spoken that best describes my elegance.

The Pansy-Ass-Bitch, though the strongest resident of the home, would be unable to help either as he was busy caring for his precious Edgelord. I had to rule out the Crimson Bitch as well; even though she adores me I have a strange feeling she would be quite unwilling to help the Wizard out of his current predicament.

Having bound up the steps to the second floor, I was still pondering my options when I was greeted by Snow White and the Black Cat, the latter fleeing upon seeing my small presence. I barked in succession to let her know something was amiss outdoors, even gesturing with my snout to emphasize my point. Unfortunately, Snow White misunderstood my communication and believed I was hungry for my lunch instead. Cradling me in her arms, she took me to the kitchen and prepared me a delectable bowl of bacon filled Kibble-Bits.

It would have been rude of me not to indulge, and even ruder not to request seconds. A Corgi on a mission does need his nutrients.

After finishing my most satisfying snack, I caught Snow White's attention once more and ran off in hopes she would pursue. Just as I had hoped, she followed until she caught up with me as I reached the room of Vomit Boy and the Spartan Princess. Their door was opened slightly, just enough for me to slip inside.

What I saw was quite surprising. The two of them were sharing a bed, with the Spartan Princess's arm flung over his torso. Their spooning came to an end when Snow White burst into the room and gasped loudly. The two of them awoke quickly and frantically, with Vomit Boy completely unaware that the girl had been cradling him in his sleep. As the Spartan Princess confirmed with Snow White they had done nothing more than sleep side by side (what else could Snow White have thought they were doing, I wonder?), I felt the need to try and bring attention back to my mission by barking and hopping around on my tubby legs. My actions were successful and they all looked to me as I ran out of the room and to the front door. Still in their night wear they followed me out to the woods where Uncle Qrow and the Wizard were trapped in their van.

And thus, my mission was a success. The trio had gone back to the house to recruit more help, managing to persuade the Pansy-Ass-Bitch outside away from Edgelord to add more muscle into the moving of the massive tree trunk. It took almost seven people to move that tree; even I contributed by pulling on a branch with my mighty jaws. I feel they would not have succeeded if not for my part. I may be small, but my muscles are strong and well-toned.

Still, there seemed to be some mixed feelings from the housemates upon looking in the van. Something about the many monitors and camera feeds on them enraged certain individuals and disturbed others. The Crimson Bitch, having been dragged out here against her will, was quite forward with her opinion on the matter, and ordered that the Wizard come up with an explanation for this by tomorrow for the entirety of the house. For his sake, I feel it would be best to do so sooner than later.

All things aside, I was satisfied with my performance today. For my diligence, Uncle Qrow rewarded me with a bagful of BBQ potato chips, a delicacy I rarely have the chance to indulge on. The Crimson Bitch was also pleased with my actions and how I "revealed the truth" to her. I know not exactly what she meant by that, but she gave me a nice scratch behind the ears for it so I see no reason to question.

And so ends another day in my eventful life. I wish we could talk more, but I am beginning to feel drowsy all of a sudden. I fear Uncle Qrow may have spilled some of his favorite liquor onto those chips by accident. I was never a fan of that concoction brewed by a Mr. Jack Daniels.

Until next time, chaps.

~Zwei Rose-Xiao Long