Johnny remembered Lucifer.
He remembered hearing his voice. Remembering feeling his grace all but suffocating him.
The worst thing he remembered was feeling moms fear surrounding him. He remembered how her heart raced and how her body would react, reaching a point in which her entire body was close to shutting down.
He tried to help, he remembered that. He tried to calm her down and tried to steady her body back into balance.
Looking back, he was sure that his manipulations made things worse for her but he didn't know that at the time. He had just wanted to help.
He remembered hearing his mom's voice talking to him. He remembered curling up as close as he could to her. He tried to not hurt her, tried to keep her safe, tried to help in any way that he could.
But it didn't matter. Nothing he did mattered. Because in the end...
In the end his very existence destroyed her inside and out. Him being where he was given Lucifer the advantage to hurt her and he did so a lot.
She screamed a lot back then. Whenever he did decide to go to sleep he heard her screams and well...
He didn't decide to go to sleep that often.
And when he was born, he remembered that too. He remembered his own grace and soul coursing, being pressed down and forced into a shape he didn't want.
Instinctively he knew that he couldn't be born a child, he was in danger out there and he needed to be prepared.
But he tried to stop it, tried to force himself to not listen to instinct. Tried to hold himself together as small as possible to not hurt her.
To not kill her.
But it didn't work. No matter what he tried. He still hurt her.
And then he killed her.
He didn't understand why Lucifer would've thought that he would side with him. Why he thought that Johnny would even want to be in the same room as him.
Why would he have wanted to be with the person that was responsible for inflicting so much pain on his mother?
Why would he want to have anything to do with Lucifer after he tortured his mother?
Why would he want to have anything to do with the being that had ensured that his mother would die painfully?
After what seemed like forever mom had finally calmed down and fell asleep, drained and exhausted. He couldn't get the image out of his mind. Seeing her gasping for air, sobbing and barely able to calm herself down.
He couldn't get the image of her nail marks on her skin, self inflicted and just a bit too deep.
Dean didn't want to let her go. He didn't want to put her down onto the bed. He had a stricken look on his face that Johnny couldn't look at anymore, he had to leave the room and slowly walk back towards the kitchen.
He knew that Lucifer was alive, he could feel a part of him being pulled towards Lucifer, a part that knew that he was still in existence. And truth be told, he wanted to go and follow that line, follow the path to find Lucifer.
And use every last bit of his power to make the former angel be in as much pain as possible, as much pain as he had put his mother in.
Before killing him for good.
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