The trick was to ignore it and keep moving forward, ignore that it ever happened and pretend that it didn't.

At least that had always been her plan, had always been what needed to happen. Her trauma was one that had always needed to be pushed to the side and away, needing to focus on other more important things.

She never had the privilege of facing her trauma headon, there was always something else that needed to be taken care of or something that required her attention and as a result once it was done there was something new. A new problem, a new adversary, a new trauma.

So she adapted, she forced everything down to the depths of her heart and mind and ignored herself. Ignored how she reacted to certain things, ignored how sometimes it felt like she couldn't breathe, ignored her trauma and everything else about it.

Doing so created a wall, created a block that kept her away from really facing her problems, helped her keep everything at bay, helped her to just pretend that those things had never happened.

Sweep everything under a rug protected with salt and silver, never prying it open, never acknowledging it.

It wasn't the most healthy way but add a few layers of whiskey and she had the Winchester method of dealing with things and prospering.

But this time it was different, it was completely different. If it had been any other time then Sam would've just done the same thing, swepted everything away and pretending that it never happened, didn't exist, nothing no thank you.

But this time...there was something she couldn't ignore, she didn't want to ignore it in the slightest.

Johnny. Her son. The living breathing existing proof of what had happened to her, her trauma sitting right in front of her with a smile.

It wasn't his fault, she could never fault him for his existence. It wasn't anywhere near his fault of how he came to being. She's experienced sins of the father suffer the child and there was no reason for it, Johnny was an innocent in this in every way.

But at the same time, he was right in front of her. He looked like what she would sometimes imagine she would look like as a guy, tall and hints of how broad he'll be, dimples, and handsome, his hair was long enough to frame his face, and he so curious about everything.

But then there was his eyes. The shape was hers, the type was hers, everything about it was hers.

Except the shade, the coloring. All of that belonged to Luci-.

To Luci-

To him.

And because of that, every time she looked at him in the eyes she just remembered everything. Remembered those six months, remembered the pain and the humiliation.

It wasn't his fault, even when she had been pregnant with him he had tried to help her as best as he could. He wasn't him, he wasn't anywhere near him, none of this was his fault and she couldn't hold it to him.

But it also meant that she couldn't ignore it, she couldn't ignore what had happened to her, can't sweep it under her own created rug, can't pretend that it never happened.

It was maddening.

They were on her bed once more, Dean had calmed her down from her panic attack. They were just laying there and her blanket over her. Dean was on one side, arm over her shoulders and just holding her close against his side. Johnny was on her other side, curled up close to her. All three of them were watching the movie plays on the tv but she could feel how each of them would sometimes look at her.

Sometimes she'd catch one of their eyes and she'd smile as reassuring as she could, mentally already pushing everything that she needed to the back of her mind as far as it went. Pushing everything back under the carpet where it belonged.

But every time she'd meet Johnny's eyes everything was pushed right back to the forefront and she couldn't ignore it.

Rinse and repeat, over and over again.

It wasn't going to work, doing what she used to before, she wasn't going to be able to live like this, constantly being reminded of what had happened to her in such a way. She was going to go insane if she kept having to face it again and again like this.

Making a decision, Sam burrows deeper into her blanket and bed, watching the movie unseeingly.

For the first time in her life…

She was going to have to face her trauma.

I do not own Supernatural.

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