It was easier said than done.

She wasn't quite sure how to do this, she wasn't sure how to take that first step. So she did what she did best, she did her research.

She went back to her previous searches and reread those articles, opening a word document to keep track of her notes.

The majority of the notes were all the same, giving the same advice no matter where she looked. Some she was able to do, some she wasn't.

One of the biggest pieces was to join a support group, find other people to talk about this and she knew that that was not a possibility before she even finished reading the sentence.

She couldn't explain this to anyone outside of their, very, small group. That option was out immediately.

The second was that she shouldn't isolate herself, that she shouldn't close herself off and ignore it, she was trying to do that. Trying and mostly failing at it had to mean something that she was trying, right?

The only person, the only being who she could talk to was Dean. And she knew that he would listen, she knew he would do whatever he needed to do to help her feel better and help her get over what had happened.

But he was also going to blame himself for allowing it to happen. He already felt the guilt tenfold, she didn't want to increase it.

But it was also a start somewhere, she needed to talk to him about it and maybe it would help the both of them. The question was how would she approach and start it? Neither of them were big on talking things out, or talking about things that bothered them. And when it came to a head, when neither of them were able to hide it anymore?

Fists flew just as fast as insults. They had physically fought twice against one another. The first time had been after she had escaped from Bobby's panic room and met up with Ruby hours before she killed Lilith and the second time had been when they were both possessed after Dean had come back from purgatory.

But to the point of the matter, they were both older and wiser now and maybe it was time to stop hiding things and start talking about them instead.

He was her brother, the only family she had left other than her son, he was her everything. They went through literal heaven and hell together and quite frankly, she was tired of it all and just...wanted to be able to talk to him.

A knock at her door got her attention and she quickly minimize all her windows until just her email was being shown. She looked up at the door and called out, "Come in."

Johnny opened the door, staring at her for a moment before he smiled. "You okay mom?" he asked softly, closing the door behind him as he came into her room.

Sam moved a bit on the bed to make room for him and at the movement he crossed the room to sit on the edge of her bed. "I'm fine." she said with a smile. "Where's Dean?"

"He's on the phone, he's talking to someone named Jody." Johnny told her, fidgeting with his fingers on his lap. She smiled at the motion, remembering how she would play with the skin around her nails as well. "I just...wanted to check on you."

"I'm alright." she assured him, patting to the side of her. Johnny hesitated but then climbed onto the bed completely, curling up against her side as she wrapped her arm around him.

"I think you got something on your mind kiddo." Sam said softly, it was easier to focus on him and his problems than it was to focus on hers. She knew that it was another avoidance tactic but she couldn't help it.

Besides, this was her son and she wanted to help him.

The thought was still kinda jarring to be honest. Her son, she had a son. She had given birth to a nephilim, the act killed her and he brought her back to life.

Back in the past she did sometimes think about having children, mainly when she had been at Stanford and was thinking about her normal life and everything that it would entail.

Of course due to the fact that she had been dating Jessica Moore it meant that their options on children were a bit more limited but Jess had always wanted to have kids one way or the other and back then, Sam was willing to do anything for her.

But once she got back into hunting, back to just having her brother by her side, all that was put to the side and pushed firmly away. She had lived as a child in the hunting life and she had no desire to put another child through that, especially not her own.

So she ignored the pangs and the thoughts, she ignored the call of a normal life and she ignored how some people would whisper about it.

Not to mention the thought of having another man in her life, a husband or boyfriend of some sort, was...not what she wanted. Not in the slightest. She had dated men before, she knew she was attracted to them on a physical and emotional level, she just...could never have them be on the same level as Dean.

She also knew that that was just as fucked up and another level of weird to their lives but it was the truth. In her most secretive moments that she allowed herself to daydream about having a normal life and a child and a dog...there was no husband. There was no wife. It had just been her, the child, and Dean. She never needed anyone else to be intruding in their lives.

Mainly because no one else would ever come close to understanding their relationship, at times she didn't understand it, but that was alright. No one had the right to try to butt their heads into their business.

Well Johnny had the right, he was her son and Deans nephew so he had the right to slide into their lives and be a part of it. She tightened her arms around him and held him closer.

But...at the same time...there was something bothering her.

"Johnny?" she said softly, immediately getting his attention on her.

"Can you tell me a bit more about what happened while it was just you and Dean?"

I do not own Supernatural.

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I am debating to make this Wincest, how would you guys feel about that?