Interview #10: Mercury Black

"Could you please put your shirt on?" Qrow groaned, rubbing his temples in frustration as the next session began. Things were off to a rough start already when Black entered and popped his shirt off before flexing in front of the camera.

"Nope," Merc smirked, "Ladies are watching. Gotta give them some good visuals."

"Right… You been enjoying your stay here or not?"

"Well, I haven't banged anyone yet so it could be better. Saw my boss's tits though. Can't complain there."

"Douchebag."

"You say something?"

"Nothing," Qrow lied, thinking of a way to end this interview quickly.

"Anyways, who do you think I should hit?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Hit sexually, just to clarify. Not physically, unless they're into that. I'm not a douchebag like Taurus."

"Keep telling yourself that…" Qrow muttered under his breath, "Why would I help you with-

"Which of your nieces do you think is hotter? Yang or Ruby?"

"…Excuse me?!"

"Nah, on second thought not them. Blondie hates me, and the little one's denser than Arc. Nikos is pretty hot, but then again so is…" Mercury trailed off, distracted by something on the floor in front of him. "Oh. I see what you're trying to do."

"Come again?"

Black reached down and picked up a dirty pen, holding it up to Qrow. "You just dropped this down here so I could see it and think 'Oh man, that looks like a penis'."

"…Come again?" Yeah, this kid was definitely mental. Qrow was too dumbfounded to stop Mercury from taking the camera and holding it close to his face as he talked sternly at it.

"Those magazines were the Lieutenants, not mine! I ain't gay, ladies. I'm a 5-star man looking for a good time. With a woman. Not a man. Here, I'll give you a taste of what you could get with…"

Only when Mercury reached down to undo his belt did Qrow snap out of his daze to end the interview with a nice, solid right hook. Hey, Ozpin never said he couldn't get a little rough with anyone. It wasn't even abuse of a minor, since he was pretty sure Black was eighteen or so.

Even if he was underage, Branwen probably still wouldn't care.

Interview #11: Roman Torchwick

"I'm gonna be honest with you," Roman said, adjusting his hat, "This hasn't been the worst of experiences. Sure, I've been drunk for about half the time I've been here but I've only gotten seriously hurt once. That talkin' dog was pretty scary, though. I didn't like that very much."

"…How?"

"Hey, don't ask me Uncle Red," Roman shrugged, "I guess some dogs are born different than others-

"No, not that," Qrow shook his head no, beckoning the crook to rewind his words, "How did you get drunk?"

"Look pal, I only got the kids drunk once. Not happening again."

"I don't care about them. I've been sober for too many days then I'm comfortable with, and I need another fix. NOW."

Torchwick grinned from ear to ear as opportunity presented itself. "It's gonna cost you. How much you got?"

"Just this." One thing Roman learned today was that he wasn't the only person in the house with a weapon. He froze up as he felt the blade of Qrow's sword poke his Adam's apple. He didn't even have time to ask where Branwen had been hiding it before the interviewer poked him again. "Is this enough?"

"…I'll make you twenty bottles."

"Make it fifty."

Interview #12: Neopolitan

"So... Are you going to talk, or am I just gonna have to make up a voice for you?"

Neo was completely ignoring Qrow, sitting cross-legged on the stool as she filed her nails. Figuring he wasn't going to get an answer, Qrow decided to just check the fan mail. "Well I'll be. You've got a lot of messages here lady. For someone who doesn't say anything and plays on their phone all day, you've got a pretty big fan base."

The little assassin raised an intrigued eyebrow at that. More fans meant more money. She quickly typed up a text on her phone and showed it to Qrow.

"What do they say?" Qrow squinted as he read the tiny words, "Let's see here. Lot of 'em wanna hear you talk, but I doubt you'll do that."

Neo nodded her head yes.

"Figured. This one's asking about your…cup size…"

Now that one resonated with her. If there was one good thing she learned from Mercury (the only thing, to be exact), it was that fanservice sells. Winking at the camera, she would let her fans deduce her size for themselves as she began unbuttoning her shirt.

"Wait! No! This is supposed to be PG-13! PG-13!"

Interview #13: Adam Taurus

If you looked up awkward in a dictionary, then an interview between Qrow Branwen and Adam Taurus would be the definition. Might even be a little picture of it too. It wouldn't be too exciting of an image, since the two men had just been sitting there silently glaring at each other the whole time. Unfortunate, Qrow realized he had no choice but to break the ice.

"…Do like it here or not?"

"I fell into a coma, was shoved in a doghouse, knocked out once again by my subordinate, and I'm currently wearing a shock collar. What do you fucking think?"

"…I'll take that as a no."

"This interview is over."

"And a good day to you too, jackass."

Interview #14: Emerald Sustrai

"Lemme guess," Qrow yawned, sensing predictability with this interview, "You hate everything about this experience and still wanna go home. Am I right?"

"Not...completely," Emerald answered as she looked through Qrow's empty wallet, "Cameras still bug me, but everything else has been fine. Any money on this credit card?"

"No, and give it back."

Emerald rolled her eyes and tossed the wallet back. "These goody-goody kids aren't all that bad, once you try to get to know them instead of killing them. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Cinder's even warming up to them I think. She's always trying to play with Ruby's dog. I never knew she liked animals so much. Her softer side isn't so bad. I think I like it more than her normal side. Not that I don't like her normal side! I like all sides of her! Good side, soft side, hot side, back side…"

"Uh-huh…" Qrow scratched his head as Emerald's thoughts went elsewhere, "Care to talk about something else?"

"Like what?"

"Like how you snuck into Cinder's room and stole her panties late last night?"

"I-I didn't-!"

"Night vision cameras say otherwise."

"…I really hate those goddamn cameras…"

Interview #15: Cinder Fall

Surprisingly, out of all the interviews Qrow had to conduct today, it was the one with Cinder Fall that he was most eager to conduct. To be able to talk with someone who hated Ozpin nearly as much as he did right now and rant with them about the Headmaster was a godsend.

"And you said he beat him in front of porn?" Qrow asked, resting his chin on his fist as Cinder retold Ironwood's 'visit' to the van that Ozpin refused to speak of to him.

"Oh, indeed," Cinder nodded, brushing her hair back, "I have pictures of the whole thing."

"Send them to me. Those'll be good blackmail one day."

"I must say, Mr Branwen. I thought you'd be as insufferable as Ozpin to speak with. I regret not taking those times I brushed you off so carelessly to speak with you about his ineptitude."

"Ditto. Shame you're on the side of that witch instead of ours. You seem level-headed enough, unlike the rest of your gang."

"Level headedness does not necessarily mean I have any intention of keeping peace in the world, Mr. Branwen. If there's one thing I learned in life, it's that power doesn't come to those who refuse to rise up and take control."

"So power's what yer after, eh? Care to elaborate on that?"

"Oh, please," Cinder chuckled, "Don't think that just because we had a friendly chat about a mutual hatred that I will confide my life story to you."

"Hey, worth a shot. Still, you've seemed pretty happy not having absolute power."

Cinder folded her arms. "And what makes you think that?"

"You're pretty fond of Zwei. Can't even count how many times I've seen you playin' with the little guy when no one's around."

"I'm merely entertaining him, that's all," Cinder lied, turning her nose up at Qrow, "If I didn't he'd constantly bark at me."

"So you gonna lie about your singing too?"

"Wh-Wha-?!" Fall's eyes widened; how did he know about that?! "I do not-

"There's a camera in the shed. Ozpin ain't good at a lot of things, but hiding stuff is one of 'em. You're not a bad singer, you know? If you weren't butting heads with little Miss Schnee, then I bet she'd be glad to help polish your high note delivery."

"I'd never ask that entitled brat for anything. People like that are below me."

"I ain't a fan of the Schnees either, but that one is Ruby's friend. That kid is good at a lot of things, but one of them is picking good people to be her friends. There's probably something good in her you could find and appreciate."

"I didn't come in here for a therapy session..." Cinder mumbled. While she wasn't lying this time, she couldn't deny that Qrow's words made some sense. To say her quest for power had weakened lately would be slightly true, as well as that she had been doubting some of the words Salem had told her about these people. Before, she had seen many of these people, including her subordinates, as just pawns in a game that had to be removed. Seeing the bonds between these friends continue to grow and pull others in (even Neo was working side by side with them!) was more than intriguing. At times, it was even beckoning…

But disobeying Salem would lead to severe punishments. And if that was to happen, she may never live to fulfill her own desires.

But were those desires still going to remain for the rest of her time here?

"Pretty tough shell you got there, miss," Qrow said, "Got some big cracks in it though… I'd think about things, if I were you. Anyways, you're good to go. Got one more guy to interview."

"No fan mail?" Cinder asked as she stood up, "I heard there was fan mail. I didn't get any?"

"Yeah, but I don't feel like searching for it. It's all lost in this guy's part of it."

"He has fans? How much does he have?"

Interview #16: Lieutenant... Um…

"Ten pages?" the Lieutenant questioned Qrow, "That's a lot, right?"

"It's nearly half the mail we got. Do you want me to read you- Okay, can you stop stroking the pen please? It's… unsettling."

"Huh? Oh man, I didn't realize I was even doing that," the big guy said, studying the pen, "Kind of looks like a penis, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, someone said that earlier. Didn't really want that pointed out again."

"Is it yours? Do you want it back?"

"No no, I don't. Just keep it."

"Neat. I can add it to the collection."

Not wanting to hear anything about this collection, Qrow changed the subject completely. "I'm gonna ask you something that apparently everyone wants to know."

"Is it about which brand of baby oil I use when I work out? It's Plum Island Premium, by the way.

"…No. Your name."

"My name?"

"What is it? I don't know, Ozpin doesn't know, none of the viewers know, nobody in the house knows, and I bet you your psycho boss doesn't even know. Do you even know yourself?"

"Well, of course! My name is-

*THUD - CRASH – WHAM!*

Qrow shielded his eyes as the ceiling shattered above him, plaster and wood raining down on him. As the dust cleared around him, he saw a figure rise abruptly from the rubble bouncing back and forth on their heels, completely unaware that they were standing on the Lieutenant's spine.

"Who the hell are you?!" Qrow shouted, throwing his arms out in emphasis. The ginger haired girl looked over her shoulder for the source of the voice, and grinned widely as she waved at her potential new friend.

"Sal-u-tations!"