Theodore Nott watches my face carefully as he waits for my answer. I swallow hard as my stomach drops trying desperately to keep my face straight.
"...my...secret?" I can barely keep myself together. There's no way he knows. There's no way. My mental shields are completely up and I haven't felt anyone try to bombard them in months. Nott isn't a legilimens- he's eleven! He must be talking about something else. He must be! Nott smiles again and my unease only grows.
"Yes, your secret." I take a deep breath. "But I won't ask you about it here -it's too public. Besides, you haven't even agreed to our deal. It would be rude to pry now." I blink rapidly in confusion at the boy in front of me. "You probably need some time to make a decision. I'll be in touch. Nice meeting you." Without waiting for a response, Nott inclines his head, gets up, and walks away. I'm left dumb and mute, trying to figure out what just happened.
Did he… He manipulated me! He wanted to see if I had a secret so he tricked me into admitting that I did! Ugh, I hate Slytherins! And what eleven year old says they'll "be in touch"? These purebloods make me crazy!
Was he even being honest about tutoring me or did someone send him to suss me out? But who could be on to me? They obviously don't know what's really going on, whoever they are. I sigh and get up from my comfortable chair. There's no point in me staying in the library now- I'm way too anxious to sit and study.
….
A week goes by in which I try to find out more about Nott. As I thought, he doesn't hang out with Malfoy very much. Nott likes to be in the background more than the spotlight, which makes me wonder why he would bother with a social outcast like me, who could bring a lot of attention to him. Malfoy is too boisterous for Nott's tastes and currently he spends most of his time either by himself or with a group of Slytherins. I haven't witnessed him talk all that much, even amongst his peers. This, of course, could all change as he gets older (or entirely if this isn't the timeline I think it is) but he seems pretty similar to his older counterpart.
"If you keep following me around all the time you're going to give people the wrong impression."
I swear I jump at least three feet in the air at the sudden voice whispering in my ear. I spin around to find Nott, looking much more normal in his school robes than the all black I last met him in. I admit even in all black he dresses impeccably well, but the school robes make him look slightly less like a standoffish prick. Just slightly.
"What are you talking about?"
"You've been standing at the corner of this hallway for five minutes waiting for me to walk by."
"You don't know that!" Which of us is the adult here?! How does he know that?!
"You've been following me around and staring me down during class for the past week. If you wanted to know more about me you could have just asked instead of stalking me."
"I am not stalking you!"
"I think this is the dictionary definition of stalking," he gestures at our surroundings.
"Aren't you just assuming things? Getting a big head listening to all of Malfoy's "pureblood" nonsense?"
"You really do remind me of a cat, lashing out every time you get backed into a corner," Nott points out haughtily.
"I am not lashing out!" I growl. Nott just raises an eyebrow in response and I realize that he's totally right. I take a deep breath to relax myself. "I just wanted to know why you suddenly talked to me. Slytherins always want something."
"Ouch. Good to know you don't like Slytherins."
"That's not true!" I try to backpedal. "It's just, every time I talk to one of you, you clearly have some other agenda."
"Well of course. It's not like you don't have one too." I almost retort, but when I stop to think about it, I realize that he's right- I do have an agenda when I talk to people. Looking for friends is still an ulterior motive, even if it isn't a bad one. If I ever speak to the golden trio it will only be to get, or give, information under the guise of being friendly.
"Having an agenda doesn't make you a bad person," he continues. "If anything, it makes us more honest because you know what we're after most of the time. We're not faking it the way the rest of you are. I told you the first time we met that I wanted to know your secret."
"No, you were checking to see if I even had a secret!" I reply bitterly.
"Well, maybe that too," he smiles and winks, and that anxious feeling flutters in my stomach again. "So what do you say? Your secret for my potions knowledge?" He holds out a hand.
I oscillate between looking at his face and his hand. I still don't know what secret he's referring to. Can I make something up that will satisfy him? It would help if I knew what he thought he knew. Maybe it's nothing? Something ridiculous and childish like who I have a crush on? This could still be some elaborate prank as well… Unbidden, my grandmother's letter flashes through my mind.
I worried when you started school that you would shut yourself away and live in fear of things completely out of your control.
What Nott thinks of me isn't within my control nor is this whole situation, really, but what good would it do me to ignore his offer? I do need the potions help. Would I regret it more to have something bad happen or to have missed out on something good?
"Deal." I shake Nott's hand and finally return his smile.
….
Nott and I decide to meet at the start of December, with it now being late November. He hasn't mentioned my "secret" since we made our deal, so I don't know when he's going to ask me to pay up. In anxious anticipation of our first meeting, I've been throwing myself headlong into my extracurricular studies.
Nott and I have spoken once or twice since our deal, although they've been rather short conversations. Other than those talks, I've continued to be a loner. I can't say I mind, splitting my time evenly between the library and the room of requirement for practicing new spells.
One evening after dinner, as I head off to the room of requirement, I have the misfortune of running in to Harry Potter yet again. I still wonder how such a large castle can somehow shove the two of us together so often. We stare at one another awkwardly on opposite sides of the hall, but neither wants to start a conversation. Now that we've noticed each other, it seems weird not to say anything.
"Hi Harry," I try lamely.
"Hi Charlotte."
I start to go up the stairs, but Harry tries to go at the same time and we both end up stopped again.
"Oh um, you're headed this way?" Maybe I really will end up sending him down a flight of stairs.
"To the Gryffindor common room, yeah." We both start walking again, this time not letting the awkwardness stop us.
"So...how are things?" I decide to break the silence. After all, asking him about his day isn't going to kill him. Hopefully.
"Fine," he answers automatically, the way I would answer my mom when I don't want to tell her how things actually are.
"That good, huh?" I joke, but the punchline falls flat. Harry continues to stare at the ground ahead of him and avoids my gaze. Maybe this is good. I don't know what his deal is, but his awkward avoidance of me is perfect for making sure that I don't ruin his life accidentally. And yet, why does it bother me so much? "Did I...do something wrong?"
"What?" his head snaps up. "Oh no, I just, uhh…"
"So I did do something wrong."
"No, no. I just…" he pauses for a long moment. We continue walking past the third floor, where his attention is lost for a moment as he looks down the corridor. "I just thought you didn't like me."
"I can see why you'd think that." Harry looks at me again, confusion in his eyes. Clearly he didn't expect me to agree with him.
"I've sort of been trying to avoid you." I decide a version of the truth is the best way to explain this. "When we first met, my mom was being all boy crazy and wanted us to hang out so I could "fall in love" with you." Harry looks frightened. "I know, she's weird. So when she kept asking me how you were in her letters, I thought staying away from you would get her off my back."
"Did it work?" he asks after a few moments.
"A bit. I think it worked better that I started talking about another boy who doesn't exist." We both laugh at this.
"So you don't hate me?"
"Hate's a pretty strong word for someone I barely know." The irony of that statement is staggering. "Sorry for giving you the wrong impression." Why am I trying to make up with him? I should be avoiding him like the plague!
"Well...this is my stop." I was paying so little attention we made it all the way to the seventh floor. "Where were you headed?"
"Oh! I walked way too far! I didn't notice how high up we'd gone!" I turn around to head back.
"I'll see you in class?" Harry asks shyly.
"Uh, yeah! I'll see you!"
As I head back down the stairwell, I replay our conversation in my head. Why am I being so wishywashy? I cannot have any kind of relationship with Harry Potter- at all. Being rude to him is worth it if it means keeping him safe, so why do I feel so bad about it?
Finally arriving at the room of requirement, I abandon that train of thought to focus on the task at hand. I look around to make sure no one is nearby before thinking of the ideal room for today- a small, open space to focus on some dueling techniques. Obviously it isn't as beneficial to practice without a partner, but since I'm learning most of the spells for the first time, I figure it'd be better to practice on a dummy to start out.
Three pass-bys later and my room is ready for me. I walk inside to find it brightly lit by the setting sun with a human sized dummy planted in the middle. The dummy has a piece of wood clearly meant to be a wand shoved through the end of its arm, making me giggle at how ridiculous it looks.
"Have at you!" I shout playfully at the dummy. "Expelliarmus!" I call Harry's soon to be favourite spell and the dummy's "wand" moves slightly but doesn't fall. I picked this spell first because I thought it would be easy, but apparently I was wrong.
I check the back wall of my little room for the bookshelf I know should be there. It doesn't take me long to find the text I've been studying from. One of my future goals, maybe next year, is to make the charmed bags that Hermione made in sixth year for their Horcrux hunting escapade. In the meantime, since I don't have the skills for that yet, I've been forced to leave the books I'm reading in the library for fear of having people ask me what I'm studying. I could just charm them to look like something else, but that's not as safe as I would like.
For now I just make sure the room of requirement is stocked with the books I want so I can go to them as needed. Rereading the section on the disarming spell tells me that the stronger the spell for expelliarmus, the brighter the red light emanating from my wand will be. A very weak spell will only have a white light. My first try only left me with a small, white light.
"Let me try again," I mumble to myself. My second attempt isn't much better and I find myself falling down the rabbit hole of practicing the new spell for hours on end. "Who knew training would be so hard?" I moan, throwing myself on to the ground dramatically.
The spell is coming along well, at least the dummy is losing his grip on his "wand" now and a bright white light is coming from my wand. It still needs work, but for just a few hours of practice and study it's pretty good. I had hoped learning new spells would be as easy as playing some "Eye of the Tiger" and trying it out a few times, but it's much harder than I thought. When grandma taught me spells before the start of the school year, I assumed she was just teaching me very difficult spells, but now I know almost all spells are that hard to learn.
I groan and get up, stretching my, now sore, wand hand. Night has long since fallen and I'm definitely out past curfew.
"Oops," I murmur. I should care more about this, but I really can't bring myself to. I decide I would rather just stay here than try to make the trip back to my own bed. While I would probably make it back with no trouble, I don't want to deal with the possibility of trying to explain where I was to my bunkmates. If I stay here, I can run with the old lie that I had a migraine and stayed in the hospital wing, not that it's likely anyone will care to ask.
….
A week of anxiety and spellcasting later, Nott and I are meeting for our first tutoring session. We meet in the dungeons in an unused classroom that was apparently meant to be for potions at one point.
"How did you get this classroom and the ingredients?" I ask when I walk in.
"Nice to see you too, Ravenclaw."
"That seems like a mouthful of a nickname," I deadpan.
"Well if you stop acting like the paragon of your house, I wouldn't feel the need to call you that."
"You're tutoring me. Isn't that, like, the opposite of a proper Ravenclaw?" I sit myself on a stool across from Nott.
"You're seeking more knowledge about something you struggle to understand. That sounds like the perfect example of a Ravenclaw."
Damnit. He's got me there.
"I guess so," I acquiesce.
"Anyway, a hello is generally how to start a conversation instead of a question," Nott instructs.
"Oh, so this is an etiquette class now?"
"You clearly need it."
"Ouch, so rude," I laugh lightly.
"I told Professor Snape what we're doing and he gave me what we would need," Nott finally answers my original question.
"Wow, really? Just like that?"
"I am a good student and a Slytherin. Professor Snape generally helps those he deems worth helping."
"But he hates me. I thought his hatred of me would outweigh how much he likes you."
"You overestimate his hatred. You irk him, I'm sure, but if you try at all and your name isn't Harry Potter he doesn't usually despise his students."
"What about Neville?" Nott smirks unkindly.
"Our head of house needs a hobby too, you know. Neville gives him enough headaches that he deserves what's coming to him."
"I very highly doubt that," I glare. "Besides, I'm nearly as bad as he is."
"Oh I've touched a nerve, have I? Didn't know you had such a heart for Longbottom."
"Oh shut up! Just because it's entertaining for you doesn't mean you should be condoning Snape's childish behaviour."
"And what, exactly, do you expect me to do? Tell the head of Slytherin house to be nicer to a Gryffindor? That would certainly go over well."
"Well...no…" I unclench my fists and sigh. Nott makes a good point. It's not like he can do anything about Neville's situation, but "...you don't have to gloat about it though." Nott looks at me intensely for a few moments, as if determining something about me.
Finally he says, "Whatever. It's not like I care." I look at him as well after that comment, but his expression is carefully neutral. I am starting to think he might care more than he is letting on…
"So what are we doing today?" I decide to get back to the task at hand.
"Do you have any trouble with the written aspect of Potions?"
"No, I always get good grades on the paper exams."
"So you understand what you're doing?"
"No, I never said that," I flush with embarrassment. "I get good grades- I don't understand the information." Nott pauses, confusion changing his features.
"So...you don't understand, but you still pull high scores? I can't tell if that's the most Ravenclaw thing I've ever heard or the least."
"Well I hate potions," I shrug, "so I'm clearly never going to do anything with them in the future, so why bother really learning the information when I can just skate by?"
"That doesn't sound like your house," Nott decides.
"It's not like we're all exactly the same, mister don't-be-so-prejudiced-against-the-snakes! Don't lump us all together."
"Yeah, sure. I get it. Though I still think you're the perfect example of a Ravenclaw."
"As if!"
"Whatever, Raven."
"What did you just call me?" I stare at him incredulously.
"You said Ravenclaw was a mouthful, and I agree, so I decided to shorten it. Now I can always remind you of what a nerd you are," Nott shows me that dangerous smile and for the first time I can't help but laugh when I see it.
"The things you find funny are so strange," I giggle.
"You're the one laughing at what I said," he points out.
"No, I'm laughing at you!"
"I guess you don't need a potions tutor then…" he pretends to walk away.
"You're the one who asked me here, remember?" He pauses for a moment and turns back around.
"So today we're going to start with the forgetfulness potion-"
"Hey, don't change the subject!"
…
My first tutoring session with Nott is tough. I'm impressed with his understanding of the material, even as a first year it's obvious that he has an aptitude for the subject. That being said…
"Why would you put that in now?" Nott asks, unable to keep the exasperation out of his voice as he grabs my wrist. "It's no wonder you nearly blow yourself up every class. I thought you said you got good grades!"
"And I told you I don't understand the material!" I reply bitterly.
"What is another name for Wolfsbane?" Nott suddenly asks.
"Aconite or monkshood," I answer automatically. "Why?"
"Is aconite toxic?" Nott ignores my question to continue grilling me.
"Yes." I decide to see where he's going with this.
"How toxic?"
"Extremely. We have to wear gloves while handling it to make sure we don't accidentally ingest any."
"What potion are we making right now?"
"A forgetfulness potion."
"So does it make sense to put a highly toxic ingredient into a potion you plan to ingest?"
I pause.
"But it said…"
"And therein lies your fatal flaw in potions. You know all the material, you're just not applying the material." He holds up the ingredients list. "Where does it say to add aconite to this potion? And if it did, it would be prudent for you to think twice about that."
"What!? I swore it said that!" I grab the list from him and read it again. "Shit…" I mutter.
"Didn't take you for the cursing type," Nott seems taken aback.
"Oh, sorry," I blush. "It's a bad habit."
"A bit young for a habit like that, aren't you?" A long pause stretches between us.
"I, uh, yeah. I guess so," I laugh nervously. I'm violently reminded that Nott still wants to know what my secret is, and I still don't know what "secret" he is talking about. "I guess you're going to want to know-"
"Let's stay focused on potions, hmm?" He immediately shuts me down. How did he know what I was about to ask? Maybe it was about potions!
The rest of our lesson goes smoothly. Obviously Nott can't make me a potions master in one session, but I manage to brew a potion without setting anything ablaze.
"I would try what you've made, but even if you succeeded the results would be unpleasant," Nott says as he is looking over my completed project.
"You don't want to forget your obnoxious student?" I jest.
"I doubt I could forget you, little Raven."
"I'm the same age as you!" I lie. I technically lie? Ugh so confusing.
"Are you?" he asks with that same, frightening smile. I try to fight off the involuntary shiver that comes over me when he asks that.
"Yes! I'm eleven!"
"So we're not the same age then," Nott grins.
"What?" I ask, aghast. How could we not be the same age?
"I'm already twelve."
"Oh….duh."
"I think little Raven's head is fried. We're done for today."
"Whatever, Theo!" We both stop dead in our tracks. Nott may have picked out a nickname for me today, but that doesn't mean I had planned on returning the favor. It's obvious where the name comes from, Theodore Nott, but where did I get it from? He doesn't have a large role in the books, but that doesn't mean someone didn't call him that at some point. But why did it stick in my head? "I, umm, I mean…"
"It's fine. It's only fair, since I have a nickname for you. Though Theo is technically more cumbersome to say than Nott."
"...you sound so precocious sometimes," I laugh, happily feeling the tension I had caused myself fading away.
"I think we're about the same level of precocious," Theo deadpans. I continue to laugh as we start putting things away, and, for the first time in my life, I wonder if someone wants to spend as much time with me as I do with them.
….
"It's almost Christmas!" I shout as I bounce into the tutoring room. December is fast coming to a close, and that means we're days away from our finals and our well deserved break. We've been meeting twice a week for our tutoring sessions, seeing as we didn't give ourselves a lot of time to go through a semester's worth of material.
"Must you yell when you enter a room?" Theo sighs. I find him sitting at a stool in front of an empty cauldron and our materials for the day.
"Are we really going back to etiquette classes?" I pout, coming over to sit next to my friend.
"They seem so vital to you, I'm seriously considering dropping potions so we can focus on that."
"So rude!"
"That's rich, coming from you."
"Anyways~ Shouldn't we be focused on something more important?"
"Like what?" Theo lifts up our potions review.
"No, not that! What you want for Christmas! Maybe some new clothes?" I gesture to his current outfit, the same all black ensemble I always seem to catch him in.
"Are you mocking the high fashion of pure blood families?" Theo jokingly asks.
"In fact I think I am!" We laugh.
When we're not in public, Theo really lets down his guard. I don't take it personally that we barely speak outside these walls; I understand, probably more than almost anyone, how important it is for kids like him to be careful about who they associate with. It will only get worse as we get older, but I don't want to think about things like that right now. We've never spoken aloud about anything like that, but I can tell that he appreciates that I get it. Though sometimes I wonder what he thinks about me understanding his situation- as someone outside of that life, why would I know about his struggles?
"What I want for Christmas, huh? What do you want for Christmas?" he asks.
"You're not going to change the subject on me this time!"
"As if I ever get to."
"So?" I ask. Theo looks vaguely uncomfortable.
"I don't know. People don't usually ask me that."
"Your parents don't?"
"They just assume they know what I want."
"And do they?"
"I got a quill set last year," Theo eventually says.
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"It's fine. It's not like I care."
We may not have been friends for very long, but it didn't take long for me to learn Theo's signature catchphrase. It's not like a care, is his coping mechanism- his way of protecting the vulnerabilities that all eleven year old boys have. Unfortunately, having the family he does and then being thrown into the snake pit, Theo was quickly forced to hide his insecurities. Instead of covering himself with false bravado, as many boys do, he chose to hide behind a wall of apathy.
"Well, why don't you think about it and get back to me?" I smile gently. I never try to make him open up more than he already does for me and I don't dare acknowledge how much he does. Theo needs to be strong to get through everything he'll eventually have to- no need to try to soften him up emotionally.
"Sure," he agrees.
….
Theo never ends up telling me what he wants for Christmas. I already have an idea what I want to get him so it isn't a big deal. I decide I want to give my gifts before we all leave for the Hogwarts Express instead of sending them by owl to arrive on Christmas- I prefer to see the recipient open their gift.
As everyone else is feverishly studying for exams, I'm busy going through order catalogues to get what I need owled to me before the holiday arrives. Now that I've had so much tutoring, I'm not even concerned about my potions final!
In the end, everything arrives on time and I manage to get an Acceptable on my potion's practical. I could have done better, but brewing in front of Snape flustered me more than I thought it would.
…
"Merry Christmas!" I say as I plop two boxes down in front of my favorite redheads.
"Wait, did you give me the right one?" The twin on my right immediately asks, checking the name tag, which I've purposely left blank.
"I don't know, have I?"
The three of us are currently in the Great Hall. I invited myself over to the Gryffindor table and sat down across from the Weasley twins. I previously sent a note to Theo to meet me at our usual spot after breakfast so I won't miss him before we all head home at noon.
"These don't even say who they're from!" One twin whines.
"Oh gee, I wonder who it could possibly be?" I deadpan.
"I don't know, brother of mine, who do you think these mystery gifts came from?"
"Well if you can't figure it out maybe these will be too intellectual for the two of you!" I go to take them back, but the twins immediately stop me.
"Thank you, Charlotte!" They chorus as they dig into the wrapping paper remorselessly.
"I'm sorry I got you both the same thing," I immediately start rambling as they look at the books. "I know you're two different people, but I thought it'd be even worse if I only got you one to share and-" I'm suddenly being enveloped into a hug.
"It's perfect," one whispers into my ear softly. They pull back and examine the books again. Despite how well I know them, I am still continually impressed with their synchronicity.
"Where did you find this anyway? Potion Making for the Avid Prankster, doesn't even sound like a real book."
"It sounds like something we would write!" We all laugh. I may have asked Theo to look around for odd potion books. With his interest in the subject, I knew he could find some that I would never have been able to on my own.
"I have my ways," I wink. "Will I see you on the train later?"
"Sure thing! You can come sit with us! We'll give you your gifts then." They both wink back.
"Oh, okay." For some reason I never expected to receive something from them. "I'll see you then!"
….
After breakfast I head to Theo's and my usual place- the classroom we hold our tutoring sessions in. I open the door to find Theo sitting at a stool with his back to me.
"You're late," he says quietly.
"I said after breakfast, didn't I?"
"Breakfast ended ten minutes ago."
"Should you really start a conversation by arguing? Especially with the person who is about to give you a present?" Nott turns around, looking torn.
"You didn't have to do that."
"Friends don't get each other presents because they feel obligated. They do it because they want to."
"Friends?" Nott asks quietly.
"Are we not friends?" Shit, did I misunderstand something?
"I asked to tutor you so that I could get your secret. I didn't even hide that from you. Yet you still consider yourself friends with me?"
"In my defense, you still haven't asked for your payment. And so what? You're my friend, friends tell each other their secrets. You've told me things I'm sure you don't want me to repeat to other people." Nott winces slightly at this. "I won't tell anyone. Even if we aren't friends."
"You have a lot of faith in me."
"I don't think you're a bad person. I've generally got a good eye for that," I joke, not that he would understand the full implications of why that was funny.
"And what if you're wrong?"
"I could be," I admit honestly.
I don't actually remember if Theo fights for Tom or not. I think he was one of the Slytherins that ran from the fighting, but maybe he does pick up his wand in six years to fight against Harry. Just because I can't remember doesn't mean I'm going to assume that he's a bad person. It might be changing things to be friends with him, but I still can't even be sure I'm on the same timeline, so screw it.
"Why would you run the risk of being friends with someone like me?"
"Because human connection is worth risking yourself for." We both pause awkwardly. I sounded so much like an adult just then and that was way too honest! I need to be careful with letting my emotions get the better of me, even the positive ones.
"...I guess…" Theo eventually agrees.
"Here!" I shove Theo's gift into his hands. He slowly opens it. "Defensive Potion Making?"
"I know it's advanced but-"
"It's great," Theo stops me before I can ramble any further. He's staring at the book with an expression I can't quite read.
"You don't have to say that if you don't like it…"
"No, I like it. I'm impressed you managed to find something useful that I haven't come across," he smiles gently, in a way that I haven't seen before, and I am even more sure that I've made the right decision.
Theo and I seem to have been thinking about the same things recently, about whether or not he is someone I can trust. But the more I've thought about it, the more I've decided to trust him. It might not be the "right" decision or the smartest, but, even if he doesn't know it, this present is my way of showing him that I do trust him. He could use that book to turn against me one day, to attack all that I stand for, but I don't think he will. I think he'll use it to protect himself from all that's to come.